


Suffocating in Stardust

by Chibirini1



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dominant Kylo Ren, F/M, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, I Don't Even Know, Kidnapping, Lemon, Loss of Virginity, Oral Sex, POV Kylo Ren, POV Rey (Star Wars), Pregnancy, Reylo - Freeform, Romance, Rough Sex, Slow Burn, Smut, Star-crossed, Teasing, That's Not How The Force Works, Twins, Unplanned Pregnancy, return to jakku
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-15
Updated: 2018-02-22
Packaged: 2018-07-24 03:23:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 47
Words: 166,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7491471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chibirini1/pseuds/Chibirini1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo Ren stops Rey from her escape after the interrogation and realizes he is the only one who can keep her imprisoned. Both refuse to give in to each other, but soon enough both are conflicted by the unexpected feelings they have for each other. As Kylo battles his pull to the light and Rey desperately tries to find what she's been looking for, the two are inexplicably drawn together regardless of the war. Slowburn Reylo; smut.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

This fic starts right after the interrogation scene in TFA.

**Kylo**

How could she have resisted him? That small, scrap of a girl, her body weak but her mind so strong. She had looked into his mind—how dare she. How could she? Only one had ever done that before, but he was the one they were searching for.

Kylo retreated to his master quickly, trying to make sense of it all. Her mind had been so easy to invade at first, her loneliness and ferocity so tangible. But he hadn't even touched what he wanted, not even a glimpse after that first time in the forest, when it had popped up in her mind.

He wanted answers.

Snoke, however, gave him none.

"A mere scavenger bested you? Are you so weak?"

Kylo grit his teeth. "She is untrained, but powerful with the force! Even she does not know how strong she really is."

Beside him, Hux made a noise of disbelief. "You are weak. And now we are left with no information."

Snoke's image flickered and his eyes narrowed. "What of the droid? Was it not taken?"

Kylo could barely contain himself as Hux replied. "He thought it's retrieval unnecessary since he had the girl."

Kylo spoke up quickly. "She can lead us to Skywalker! She saw the map. I can retrieve it from her!"

Snoke made a sound of disapproval and sank back into the stone. "Bring her to me. I will deal with her myself."

Kylo knew what that meant. He had seen it before. Snoke tortured his victims easily, he sat comfortably within the dark side, had all control with his power. How Kylo envied his master. He was constantly reminded of his own weakness when he held back or lost control. Like he did with the girl.

As he approached her cell, he immediately noticed something amiss: "Where is the other one? Why are there only five?" He asked one of the Stormtroopers standing guard. But it was confused. Irritated, he burst into the cell.

A naked storm trooper stood there, looking dazed. She was gone.

**Rey**

Rey raced through the halls, trying to find her way. This place was a complete maze, everything looked the same. Although she was geared as a Stormtrooper and armed with her newfound abilities, she felt incredibly out of place and anxious. Surely she'd be found out any minute.

As she raced through the halls, she finally felt like there was a difference; she was somewhere new. She passed a window that led to the beginnings of a hanger, and her heart leapt. Now she had a chance.

She found her way to a nearby fighter, still attached to the wall where it was fed fuel and electricity. Many Stormtroopers milled around, so she tried to be leisurely as she ducked by it. Forcing the entrance door, she leapt inside.

She immediately began taking stock of everything within, making a mental list of the different controls. She sat down in the pilot's chair and began trying to figure out how to detach herself from the wall before she blasted this thing into hyperdrive. She didn't know where this base even was, really, but if she could get away from it, she could find her way back to her friends.

A loud crash suddenly distracted her. There was shouting, angry shouting. She leapt up to look out of the plane and spied the dark figure among the white, pushing through. Straight for her ship.

How the hell did he find her? She looked around erratically at the controls, but was caught by the helmet beside her. Inside the back was a small, metal chip.

A tracking chip. Of course. Wouldn't want to lose track of a soldier.

It was too late to destroy it now, he knew where she was. She just had to get this thing out.

She punched at the controls as the switchboard sprang to life, trying anything that looked familiar, but to little avail. It began beeping wildly at her, and she felt it begin to roll backwards, away from the wall. But it suddenly stopped, the brakes hitting the wheels and a scraping sound was at the entrance portal. He was trying to get in.

Luck would have it, she had somehow hit the locks. He couldn't force the door like she had. She grinned a little, satisfied with her defiance. But when the scraping disappeared, she felt uneasy.

Kylo leapt up onto the nose, right in front of the glass. She gasped and pulled the handle of one of the controls, and the plane leapt back, pulling against its restraints. Kylo lurched but stayed on, and his lightsaber flared to life and split the glass separating her from him.

Her arm flew up to shield her eyes from the shattered glass and let go of the control. She felt herself be grabbed and immediately began fighting against them.

"You…you never stop fighting me."

She looked up at the dark mask, trying to remember what lay beneath. "Why wouldn't I?"

He didn't answer her, but she felt his anger. She had humiliated him, and he was distraught. Torn.

As he dragged her away from her one means of escape, a trooper captain in the shiniest armor Rey had ever seen called, "This is on your head, Ren. Your prisoner has ruined one of my ships."

"Don't bother me now, Phasma," Kylo yelled at her but she remained unfazed, calmly watching him go.

A Stormtrooper ran up to them as Kylo tugged her through the hangar.

"Sir, General Hux wants to see you-"

"I'm busy!" He roared, his metallic voice ringing throughout the hanger. Rey gasped as he forced her through the exit, shocked by his anger. It was violent.

Her arms were beginning to ache before he finally led her to a room behind triple doors. Was this some kind of prison? It was much more secured than anywhere else she had been. But all that lay behind the last door was what appeared to be a few dark rooms. An apartment. What?

**Kylo**

He threw her away from him, against the wall so that she fell to the ground. Within a moment, he brought his fists down onto a nearby metal table, denting it with a hollow bang.

"You think you can defy me?" He yelled at her, this slip of a girl who had cost him his pride. Who had almost slithered out of his grasp. Who had dared to leave.

He threw the table against the wall, just missing her. He saw her wide eyes and how she shrunk back, but it gave him no pleasure today. "You cannot escape me, you cannot defy me, I won't let you!" He roared.

She was silent, but he felt her fear. Yet there was also her anger. She dared to be angry at him for ruining her escape. Even now she did not cower or bend to him. Would nothing break her? So distracted was he by this that his own anger suddenly began to subside and he managed to rip off his helmet.

He grabbed her, and she struggled. She tried to push back against him with the force, but he distracted her by pulling her close. So close that she was pressed against his front, feeling the hard curves of his body, with his face mere inches from her.

"Feel strong, gravel maggot? Or do you just like being so close to power?" He hissed. She bared her teeth and tried to push away from him.

"You're disgusting."

Somehow her words stung.

"I am your keeper, I am the one who chooses whether you live or die. You will obey me," he snarled before pushing her away, watching her coldly as she fell by his feet, her dark hair beginning to come loose and curl around her cheeks.

"You don't own me." She finally spit out, scrambling to her feet. Her eyes blazed like amber fire and although she had no weapon but looked prepared to fight, her face was so severe.

"You learn one trick and think you can escape? I underestimated you, but you will not get that chance again. If I must become your constant captor, then I will." And he would deal with her himself. Snoke would see his strength when he presented the location and the girl to him.

**Rey**

Rey hated this, hated him. After his little tantrum, he locked her hands and feet to a chair that a droid had fused to a heavy metal plate that she probably weighed more than she did. Kylo had no trouble moving it with his powers, but when Rey tried, she couldn't budge it.

He wouldn't let her out of his sight. When she tried to sleep, he woke her. When he ate, he made her watch him.

"You want to eat, you can tell me the location," he told her. Luckily, she was used to going without.

He kept trying to push her mind, and she kept pushing him out. He refused to let her leave the chair to sleep, and did not lay down to sleep either.

When she asked him if he ever slept, he just laughed.

"You think I will sleep before you do, leaving you to try and figure your way out? No, I can wait."

"Well, you will," she replied hotly. She had to have a chance to escape, or at least think without his eyes on her.

"You're angry," he said, smiling cockily at her from a more comfortable chair.

She didn't like him.

"I'm frustrated," she countered.

"You are desperate. To return to Han Solo? To your rebel friends?" He asked. "They have abandoned you here. They only care for themselves."

She hated him.

"Leave me alone. You know nothing about my friends," she replied.

He was silent, his dark eyes watching her. He got up and leaned over her, placing his hands on the arms of her chair.

"I know more than you," he replied lowly. "I can take what I want, and I have already seen inside your mind. You're nothing but another piece of scrap on Jakku, unwanted and nothing but junk on a graveyard of a planet." She glared back at him defiantly, refusing to shrink. He saw the hate in her eyes, and it excited him.

"Give into your hate, and you will be much more powerful," he told her.

Her gaze did not weaken. "But then I would be just like you," she retorted.

Neither got sleep that night. Kylo left her alone, in the room next to what she assumed was his bedroom. In the chair.

But he let her know he was awake many times. A large crash or bang against the door that would make her jump and then shake from the adrenaline pumping through her veins. Once, she had managed to sleep through his interruption only to have ice cold water thrown in her face. She stopped trying to sleep after that.

But that wasn't the worst of it. Shortly after she was recaptured and put into her new prison, he had circled her, eyes bright.

"Comfortable?" He asked.

She scoffed.

He leaned in close. "You're not having a good time? I am."

"Of course you are," she snapped back. "You enjoy nothing but others pain."

He swung around to stare directly at her. "Is that all you think of me?"

She swallowed hard. "Why wouldn't I?"

"Then I wouldn't want to disappoint you," he replied, voice somehow harsher than before.

Her breath caught in her throat as his hand suddenly came to rest on her arm. His thumb brushed against her wrappings and a cruel smile toyed on his lips.

"Why do you wear these?" He asked, his voice causing a shiver to run up her spine.

"Stop," she ordered, eyes locked on his.

"Are you hiding something?"

He was either incredibly stupid, or simply toying with her. They were for protection against the sun and the sand. She wore the same on her legs.

Kylo's hand did leave her, and for a moment she breathed easy. But the electric sound of his saber igniting made her tense completely. He leered over her, and her heart picked up pace twofold.

"Don't move," he whispered, as if she could. His saber lowered down to her arm, closer and closer until her wraps began scorching. Only a few moments later they caught fire, and she winced as they fell away, the flames brushed against her skin.

His face was eager as he did the other arm, but then as he stepped back and saw her burn-marked and scarred skin, it changed. His dark eyes met hers, a question. She felt a curious push at her mind, but she practically threw him away from her mind. Jakku was a dangerous place and as a child wandering the desert planet, she had to learn from experience.

Kylo's right hand still laid on her arm, and she looked at it and then back at him, leaning a little closer to meet his gaze.

"Get your hand off my goddamn arm," she said slowly, venom laced throughout her voice.

Something flickered in his eyes, and then his lips curled up in a snarl.

"How dare you try to give me an order," Kylo hissed. "I'll show you who's in charge here."

His saber was raised again and held close to her skin, so close that it began to blister and burn. Rey grit her teeth and thrashed her head back and to the side. She held in the sound of her pain, but her eyes were screwed shut as he burned her. He stopped when she began to shake all over, but it wasn't the last time he would do it. He mocked her when she wouldn't scream or tell him what he wanted to know, and never burned the same place twice. He sometimes applied bacta patches to her arms, letting them heal before repeating the torture. Her tan skin now almost constantly bore his marks. And he wouldn't let her forget it.

But it was nothing she hadn't heard of. She'd heard tales of torture from passer-bys on Jakku, people missing an eye or disfigured by sagging and scarred skin. She'd heard of terrible, terrible things and feared herself made victim of any one of them. But if it came down to it, she thought, she could still grit her teeth and live without an eye. What was one if you still had the other? Han and Finn and Chewbacca, they were all more important.

Would they come back for her? She didn't know. Maybe it was too risky. But she was certain that it would be really hard to get out on her own. Not impossible, but definitely hard. Especially as she was now, thirsty and exhausted. If only she could break free.

BANG!

Another goddamn noise from Kylo to deprive her of sleep. If she wasn't locked to the chair, she surely would have jumped out of her skin.

"Too scared to come in and chat?" She shouted, perhaps a little too arrogantly, for the door slid open with a hiss.

"Didn't think you wanted company," Kylo remarked as he entered. Without his helmet again. "Thank you for the invitation."

She scoffed quietly and rolled her eyes, looking away in an effort to hold her tongue. But a firm grasp on her chin soon forced her to look back at him.

"Playing shy?" Kylo asked. Her eyes widened and she quickly did as she had done before in times like these on Jakku. She bit him, hard.

"Fuck!" Kylo stumbled back once she released him. She licked her lips, tasting blood. He looked up at her through his dark hair with fury. "You dirty desert scum!"

She spat her bloody spit towards him but then felt her throat constrict. Kylo's hand was outreached towards her and a dangerous smile played on his lips. In the back of her mind, she felt a bit of satisfaction at seeing the mark she had left on his arm. Finally, a little payback. But as the air she needed escaped her, she fought against his hold.

"I don't like it when my guests are rude," Kylo hissed, coming closer. Rey choked and struggled, her mind quickly building up to a panic.

"Not so powerful now, hm?" His brow furrowed and she felt him press again to her mind. She had to fight back, for breath and for control!

She concentrated, hard, trying to harness whatever ability she'd had before. Somehow a wall kept Kylo out for now, but that was only for when she was conscious enough to focus.

"Tell me where the droid is," Kylo seethed. "Show me the map, girl. I'm done waiting!"

Push, push! It was harder and harder with each moment. Finally, just as dark spots began to dot her vision, she was released.

She gasped for air and Kylo roared. Her head spun and she collapsed back onto the chair. Kylo came back and forced his face close to hers.

"You think you are better? Stronger? All you are is a rat who's been blessed with a crumb. You don't measure up to me, or anyone else on this ship. You're no pilot, no jedi, no leader. All you are and all you will ever be is nothing."

"Shut up!" She screamed right back in his face, her gaze blind with fury. If only her hands were free, she would choke him and claw him for his words.

"You still want to kill me," he said, drawing back with that filthy little smile on his lips. "As if you could."

"Let me out and we'll see who's right," she fumed.

"Anger is not pretty on you," Kylo taunted, as if he already knew it would irritate her.

"Foolishness is not attractive on you, but that doesn't stop you!" She bit back.

For a moment he looked genuinely startled, then curious. After a moment of silence, he waved his hand and the shackles released.

Rey looked down, completely shocked. After a moment of disbelief, she scrambled out of them, rubbing her wrists.

"Better?" He asked. She looked up and then flew at him, reaching for his face. If he wanted to torture her, she'd take a bit of him down with her.

He caught her wrists before her stubbed nails could even land. "Easy there, kitten. Anger me again and you'll lose what I'm about to offer you."

Voice thick with distress, and eyes alert, she scanned his dark gaze and asked, "What could you have to offer me?"

Kylo looked down and then up as if it should be obvious. "Why don't we start with a change of clothes?"

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Rey**

An hour or so later she had given in to a trip to the refresher, some water and newer clothes in tan and black, strangely similar to the ones she had worn before. Close fitting but surprisingly soft, the tan shirt's neck was cut in a V and had thicker shoulders. The pants were standard and cut at the knee, the same kind she had before. However, the boots were higher and tighter than the ones she had before, lacing up to the very bottom of her pants. The dark jacket she was given wasn't even really a jacket, it was merely a long sleeveless vest without buttons that went underneath the thin black leather belt and trailed down to her knees. All the clothes were very lightweight and comfortable, but it made Rey uncomfortable that Kylo had them on hand, like he had planned this out a while ago. Even more so, when she left the refresher in her new garb, a strange look had flicked past his face that made her stomach clench for some reason. But maybe that was just the hunger.

He had not yet offered her food, but it was what she so craved after her other demands. It felt like her stomach was digesting itself. Not unfamiliar, but unwanted.

"Did you like my gifts?" Kylo asked, watching her drink her third glass of water as they stood in his small sort of kitchen. She bit her tongue and simply nodded.

"Good. Then you will realize how generous I am."

Those words were dangerous. Rey looked up at him, wary. He tilted his head.

"I'm sure you're hungry. Would you like to earn some food?"

At the word earn, she bristled. As a child, a man once tried to convince her to earn a meal by letting him touch her small, prepubescent chest and hips. Just the memory of his rough claws on her skin made her nauseous.

"What do you want?" She finally ground out.

He smiled. "I want you to do as I say."

Her eyes narrowed and he chuckled. "Easy. Why don't you see what I request before you deny?"

She didn't reply, so he leaned forward from his seat at the table and settled his dark, haunting eyes on her.

"Kneel."

Every part of her screamed not to. Her hesitation must have made him impatient, because he urged, "I'm not making you do it, like I could."

Her stomach was killing her, distracting her and making her light headed. She knew the signs; she needed food. So carefully setting her glass down, she slowly knelt to the ground.

"Look at me."

Worse. She had avoided his pointed gaze until now, and the moment she met his eyes she regretted it. His smugness radiated from him.

"Good."

She detested him.

"Say my name."

She hated him.

"Kylo Ren."

She hated herself.

All this was was humiliation. It was almost the worst thing he could do.

He stood and her heart skipped a beat. "If only I could keep you here, just like this. Such a pleasing picture."

She ground her teeth, fighting every instinct she had.

"Are you hungry, Rey?" He asked, standing above her. Her name on his lips gave her a start as she realized that it was probably the first time he said it in her presence.

"Yes."

"Are you tired?"

"…Yes."

He circled her like a predator. "I like seeing you at my mercy, knowing that I can take whatever I want."

"If you could, then you'd know where the map was."

Her hair was grabbed from behind and her head was tilted back.

"Speak like that to me again and you will suffer."

She already was.

**Kylo**

"Let's come to a little understanding."

She was at his whim now, and she understood it. She knelt before him like a slave, but still dared to defy him. She was strong in power and mind.

He let go of her hair and came to face her again. She gazed at him, mouth tensed as if holding back remark.

"From this day onward, you are mine. You will make yourself useful to me, and you will be trained. Someday, if you ever amount to anything, you may become my apprentice. Overall, you will behave."

Her mouth opened to argue but he cut her off.

"In return, I will not kill you. You will be confined only to this apartment, unless you are with me. With that you will have water, food, clothes. All that you need. And, of course, my excellent tutorage."

"Don't flatter yourself. I don't want to be trained in the dark ways."

"You will be trained as I see fit." He let her remark slide, because he knew that this deal was a bitter pill for her to swallow. Her plush lips pressed together and her eyebrows furrowed in agitation. But finally, she replied.

"Fine."

He cupped her chin in his hand and she stiffened. "Good. And stop planning your escape, it's futile and annoying."

She shook off his grasp but gazed up at him searchingly. He laughed.

"You're such a little earworm," he taunted. "Your emotions, when strong, cause a disturbance in the force. Like ripples on water, I feel them radiate from you."

She looked down, the concept obviously rolling around her mind. He pressed a few buttons and waited until food popped out for her.

"Sleep here," he told her. "Tomorrow you shall meet our Supreme Leader."

He left before she woke; Snoke had summoned him. What was worse, Hux was there as well, waiting.

"Finally, the elusive Kylo Ren."

Kylo stared down Hux, trying to quell the fires of his anger. Snoke could surely sense his efforts to control his emotions.

"Hux, how are the preparations for the Killer Star Base shaping up?" Snoke said.

"I must return to the base soon; it is almost operational. Not completed, but operational."

"Good. Our Strategy must change now that it is functioning. I want you to use it to destroy the Republic's main force."

Kylo looked up at his master, surprised but not concerned. He wondered which planet he would choose.

"Where exactly?" Hux asked promptly, his stance erect and faultless. "We have pinpointed more than a few of their arsenal bases."

Snoke reached up and rubbed his chin for a moment, keeping the two men in anticipation.

"No. This must be a more drastic hit," Snoke said slowly. "Choose wisely, Hux."

The general nodded. "The Hosnian system. It is the center of the New Republic's government."

Snoke leaned forward, eager now. "Excellent. You may move forward with this plan."

Hux nodded again and suddenly Kylo felt the weight of his master's gaze upon him.

"And the girl, Kylo?"

He looked up into Snoke's ice blue eyes. "Despite the initial resistance, she has submitted herself to me and will be trained. With time, I will convince her of the dark side's power and will be able to locate the droid."

"Hmm. You may move forward with this, Ren. But time is essential, and you must not get distracted by this, or the girl."

Snoke's focus grew pointed and he leaned back. "You feel compassion for her."

Kylo's brow furrowed and his breathing immediately grew erratic. "I do not!"

He could feel Hux's smugness. The heaviness of Snoke's force grew stronger.

"It will make you weak," Snoke reminded. "And you should know that the droid you seek is now with your father, in his old ship. I have seen it."

"He means nothing to me. His presence changes nothing."

Snoke gazed at him in silence.

"Master, I will not be seduced by the light. With your training I will become stronger!" Kylo persuaded. Finally, his master nodded.

"We shall see how this all plays out in our hand. For now, carry out your missions."

**Rey**

When she woke up, Kylo was gone.

Having some degree of freedom now let her explore the apartment. First she tried every door she could find, but every one that led outside were tightly bolted. There was the room she was kept in before, a small kitchen off a sitting area, and the bedroom with an attached refresher. There were no personal items, and the entire apartment was dark and filled with shades of grey. There were a few large windows looking out, not onto a hangar, but into the void of space. It was dark, but strangely beautiful. Jakku was full of light and heat, and the darkness was such a contrast.

She looked around and wondered if she had enough time to take a sanisteam. She did not feel safe doing that while he was here.

Deciding to take the plunge, she locked the door behind her, satisfied with the secure click. She stripped down and turned to the sanisteam. Unfortunately, this one was unnecessarily complicated. On Jakku, water was incredibly scarce, so there was one set of public sanisteams that everyone used. You had five minutes of lukewarm water and the danger of being harassed or attacked. There was never a chance to enjoy the water, and there was only one button to press.

Now, Kylo's had tons. And there were no symbols. Afraid of what would happen, Rey closed the glass most way and stuck her hand in far enough to press one of the buttons. Water shot out, ice cold. She pressed another, and suddenly the water stopped and soap coated her arm, slick and slimy. Another button dispensed hot water, another dispensed a small amount of a greasy substance onto the floor. Was that for hair? For her body? After all kinds of experimentation, Rey finally got in and got clean. She was really enthralled that the water never stopped, and the complete privacy she had. It was a first. She spread the greasy stuff on her hair and her body for good measure at the end.

Once clean and dry, she put on the same clothes she had before and ate some food. She was delighted to discover that the button Kylo had pressed for the food was unlimited. She ate and ate until she couldn't anymore. This place was full of incredible luxuries she had never expected to experience, especially not here. Was it betrayal to enjoy the things of the First Order?

After a while, she got bored. Her hair dried and she put it up. But there was nothing to do. She sat at the window in Kylo's bedroom to gaze out at the view.

A small beep interrupted her boredom. A small cleaning droid shot out from under the large bed, stopping just short of the wall. It looked like a large disc, with two small sensors like eyes. It spun on wheels, but seemed like it was limping because one was severely dented, like it had been kicked. It made a small whirring sound and began methodically pacing the room, searching for dirt.

Rey stepped into its path and crouched down. "Hello," she greeted. It paused, beeped, then went around her feet.

"Wait!" She said and gently picked it up. It squawked its objections and whirled its wheels helplessly. She hushed it and placed it in her lap. It seemed to speak a very basic version of binary. Easy to understand, but hinted that it didn't have very much awareness.

"Easy there," she told it. "Your wheel's all messed up. Didn't you notice?"

It beeped sadly, admitting that it did.

She patted it sympathetically. "Perhaps I can fix it." She smiled at its energetic approval.

Finding a fork and a knife, she turned it over. It let out a weak beep, but otherwise didn't object. She tinkered around with it for a while, but soon became frustrated at her lack of tools. There's was so little she could do with a stupid knife and fork. It was clumsy and strange without her tools, and she accidentally severed a wire while trying to disconnect it.

In the end, she might have done more damage than help. It moved from side to side now, and often spun round and round. Still, it beeped sweetly and thanked her.

She was happily having a little conversation with it when the unmistakable sound of the door opened. Kylo stepped in the room and the droid beeped and attempted to resume cleaning.

Kylo looked at her as she sat up and tilted his head at the droid. "Were you…speaking with it?"

Her cheeks warmed and she frowned. "Yes, I know binary." She stood, feeling uneasy on the floor.

He gazed at her for a moment too long and then back at the droid, which spun lazily as it traveled from side to side. It looked as if it had had one too many sips of Banka Juice.

"What did you do to it?" He asked her mockingly. "Are your skills so weak that you cannot even fix this droid?"

"It was a mistake, you blinking idiot," she snapped. "I don't have a lot of experience with droids, only ships and some weapons. Besides, if I had the right tools maybe I could actually fix it."

"Tools, hm…?" He nudged the little thing into the wall, where it ricocheted, hard. Luckily for it, Rey caught it with one hand. She glared at him.

"Must you harm every little thing you come across?" She set the droid free and turned away. "Now leave me be."

He took off his helmet and sat. She looked over to him, startled. The heavy sound of the helmet being placed down did not make her flinch, but inwardly she cringed. Seeing his face made him look so much less like the monster he was.

"Our leader wants to see you," he told her. She frowned and went to straighten the droid's wheel.

"I doubt I have a choice, but if your supreme leader wants to try and probe my mind like you did, then I decline."

"You will do as I wish." He told her. "You will show us the map."

This was ignored, but he kept watching her. Glancing at the helmet briefly, she ventured, "Why do you wear that thing anyways? You don't think your terrible personality isn't intimidating enough?"

He raised his hand and immediately her lips closed. She fought against it, and was released.

"I tire of your silly remarks. And I have no need to answer your questions."

She glanced up at him furtively, and a moment after he released her she asked, "It's because of him, isn't it? Darth Vader? You want to be like him."

Kylo practically growled, pushing up from his chair. "You know nothing."

She shook her head and pushed outwards with the force, trying to reach his mind like before. He was too strong for her, but he was slipping because of his anger.

"You don't want to be like him…you want to be him," she pressed. "But you know you never can."

Kylo strode across the room and with one foot, smashed the little droid. Rey gasped and tears sprang to her eyes at his cruelty. His wicked smile was directed at her heart.

"Don't need you making friends," Kylo jeered. "Focus only on me. Do not forget whose mercy you are at."

She grit her teeth and forced her tears back. "You are a monster, and you will never, ever rule over the galaxy. You're nothing like your grandfather. You are childish and weak, and you will only destroy everything you touch."

He turned to her, eyes bright and his lightsaber was drawn, crackling to life. She edged back, breathing in sharply.

"You know nothing of him or my power. Do you wish for me to show you? Are you so stupid that you invite my wrath?" he yelled.

Trembling slightly, she swallowed. "You will fall as he did…he was drawn back to the light because of his family…because of Luke and Leia Skywalker. Your ties, your family will call you back too."

He smiled a terrible smile, full of bitterness and anger. "I would kill them all to release myself from the pain they cause me. Soon I will no longer have to worry about them."

Red light from his lightsaber lit up her light eyes as she gaped at him. "You would kill your own family?" her mind flashed to the ever so distant family she once had, and then to Han Solo. The man who she had felt so akin to, like a father, who had been the first person to treat her with worth. How could he destroy anything like that?

He brought the blade closer to her neck, his face an emotionless mask. "I would kill anyone," he replied coldly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, thanks so much for all the bookmarks, kudos, and comments! Y'all rock and are the best motivation!


	3. Chapter 3

**Rey**

Her palms began to sweat before they even entered the room. Humiliatingly, he had placed her hands in handcuffs and attached a chain to them for him to hold. Like a leash. Mortifying.

Kylo was taking her to see the "Supreme Leader." The man who was his master, who commanded the First Order. She had no idea how powerful or how dangerous this guy was. Kylo was no help, like he would protect her. If his leader was anything like Kylo, he'd probably kill her over her first sentence.

They arrived, and Rey clenched her fists, wishing she could at least be free of these chains. Just in case. Kylo looked over, unreadable in his mask. She swallowed, and the door slid open. Kylo turned his gaze forward.

The room was large and tall. Probably the biggest room she'd ever seen. And one of the darkest. Very little light illuminated the room, but as far as Rey could see, there was no one else here but she and Kylo. They paused in the middle of the room, and Rey turned to Kylo.

"Where-?"

"Hush." Both their voices echoed. Rey went quiet as a hologram suddenly flickered to life. A huge hologram.

It was as tall as the room and wasn't any species Rey had ever seen. Old, pale, hairless, and scarred. Huge, haunting eyes. A giant corpse sitting on a throne, looking down at them. Disfigured and decrepit, it wasn't the man's appearance that truly frightened her. It was his eyes, the dead soullessness that resided there. Even the calculation and power that the man conveyed was not enough to fill the emptiness she saw, which was only magnified by the size of the hologram.

While she went completely cold, Kylo looked up with what seemed like reverence.

"Master, I have brought the girl to you as you have asked."

The creature focused on Rey, but directed his words to Kylo.

"And where is General Hux?"

Kylo stiffened. "I did not ask him to come."

Snoke tipped his head back ever so slightly. "Your jealousy of him only weakens you, Ren."

Kylo dipped his head down, but Rey was captured by the creature's gaze.

"So you're the force-sensitive little scavenger. What is your name?"

Her lips trembled but then pushed them together firmly.

"Rey."

"Just Rey?"

She nodded and the figure leaned forward. "Your origins are unknown. But I have foreseen your future. Your potential."

She looked over to Kylo, who did not glance towards her at all. Licking her lips, she stepped forward.

"I don't care what you have to say. I want no part of the dark side. I have resisted Kylo's attempts on my mind again and again. I will never tell you where the map is. So either kill me or let me go."

The chain that she was connected to was yanked, causing her to stumble back. Kylo's mechanical voice filled her ears.

"She is as resistant as I have told you. She has abilities but refuses to comply."

The figure's skeletal figure straightened in its seat and tightened its grip on the edges of its chair.

"You have failed the task I gave you, Ren," it boomed. "But your personal mission must be put aside for now. We have bigger priorities that you must focus on. Concentrate your efforts on the suppression of the rebels, and train this girl. She will be useful in the future if you succeed."

Rey's head shot up and her heart beat erratically. "No! I will not be trained in your demented ways! I-"

Her body mouth froze and nothing more came out. Kylo looked to her for a moment, but then away.

"Yes, Supreme Leader Snoke."

The creature leaned its disfigured head back, his marred flesh illuminated and terrifying. "Do not fail me, Ren."

The hologram flickered and then died, as did the man's hold on Rey. She gasped and looked to Kylo, who stood still and silent, staring at where the figure had been.

"I will not be trained, Kylo!" Panic and fury rose in her. "Tell him! Call him back and tell him!"

"Master's word is final."

Her throat was thick and adrenaline rushed through her veins. Despite her words, she wanted to live. But she knew from the legends that the dark side was one that would taint the body and the mind. And she had seen this, with Kylo…and with Snoke.

Kylo, seemingly inspired by his Master's words, was even more intolerable than before. He ordered her to sleep on the floor, not the couch, and refused her food unless she begged for it. Having a full stomach from earlier and a stronger will than before, she rebuffed this and went to sleep without a meal. Her dreams were haunting and full of terrible images that made her wake up on the floor in the dark, cold with sweat. By morning, she was exhausted.

"You are less irritating today," Kylo said to her as he ate. From the floor, she closed her eyes, trying to resist the urge to jump up and claw his eyes out.

"You aren't."

This only amused him, and he got up and delivered a plate of food to her with derision.

"Eat, you'll need your strength. You begin training today."

She ate quickly and ignored him. But when she glanced up, mid mouthful, she was startled by the look in his eye. Almost gentle.

His quick shift to standing broke her concentration and she resumed eating as he left the room. But still, it bugged her. Or rather, the memory his look evoked. It had reminded her of Finn.

The training was grueling. Unforgiving. And draining. But to her relief, there was no dark edge. So far, there was no emphasis on anger or hatred or detachment, as she'd expected. All there was was feeling and focusing and repeated physical exercises. She failed on many occasions and couldn't meet Kylo's demands. But somehow, she did feel her skills sharpening, strengthening. Little by little.

He never let her quit, but he did contain his rages. Sometimes he even seemed detached, like he wasn't affected by her mistakes or angered by them. Every night she'd sleep deeply, without dreams. She never let Kylo see how much her body ached or how much it scared her to be trained by him. Still, as the days passed, she found herself worrying more and more about her position. Where was Han? Where was Finn? She didn't expect them to risk everything to come and save her; Han knew more than anyone that she could handle herself. But she was up against a serious threat and realized that the more time she spent here, the more she felt used to these circumstances.

She couldn't get away from Kylo. Sometimes she caught him gazing at her with that strange expression. Even worse, sometimes she caught herself watching him with curiosity.

He was a brute and nothing else.

"You have improved. Master Snoke will be pleased," he told her one evening.

"I would rather eat my own toe than please him."

Kylo seemed amused, his lips quirking up ever so slightly. "You repay the First Order's generosity so kindly."

She shook her head and toyed with her fork, irritated. "I am neither grateful nor forgiving of you keeping me here."

Kylo walked around the table to lean in close to her. "And here I am, doing so much for nothing. I must be the most giving man you've ever met."

Her defiant look was met with a feral hunger in his eyes that clenched her stomach. The dark, waved hair the framed his face looked soft and smooth, a sharp contrast to the sharp jaw and cheekbones. Her finger twitched and she looked away without responding. Yes, the less time she spent here the safer she was. He was not the only thing that scared her.

**Kylo**

As she grew stronger, she grew more defiant. Despite the time that passed, she never wavered. She wanted to leave, and she never let him forget it.

It was amazing; she seemed to have an endless supply of strength and will. Always swinging back with a word or a swipe, the brown in her eyes flickering with the green like sunlight through a tree's leaves. Nothing could truly sway or weaken her. No matter how angry he made her, she never seemed to really lose control. How he envied her. Her strength…he craved it. He had power, but it wasn't the same, somehow. She was indeed like a desert flower, surviving and even thriving no matter what.

Now, however, he had a problem. Or rather, more of an annoyance. Hux.

He always avoided Hux, for he was snide and annoying. Hux was the opposite of Kylo, always emotionless yet still powerful, cool and sneaky. Hux was in the running for the person Kylo hated most, only losing perhaps to Han Solo.

"You've holed her up nicely," Hux commented as they looked over plans for the Killer Star Base. "I suppose your apartment is now a little love nest."

Prickles ran up and down Kylo's neck as he made a true effort to suppress his rage. "As if I would ever sink that low and defy Master's teachings."

Hux lifted his chin defiantly and only looked slightly amused. "You're weak. She's made you even more pathetic."

Hux only dared to speak this way because of the uneasy truce Snoke had ordered between the two. Neither could work against the other or get in the other's way. Because Kylo was the one with true power, it often gave him leverage and rank over Hux. But now, it seemed that the general had found a button to push.

"I am carrying out my master's orders. No one else can even control her. She'd twist your mind in a moment," Kylo growled.

"Your denial is extraordinary. Our Supreme Leader knows exactly what he is doing, for you are just another pawn." Hux's blue eyes flashed with conceit.

Kylo brought his fist down on the control panel in front of them, destroying it. "I have no feeling for the girl, and I couldn't care less if our Supreme Leader sentenced her to death this moment!"

Hux smirked, his slick copper hair faultless. "Then let me conduct a little experiment."

Kylo's heart beat a little faster as he looked at the general, trying to imagine what he had in mind. Hux liked "experiments," in fact, he was one the main minds behind the cloneless trooper army as it was now. They were on the same side, he and Hux, but there was a thin line that the latter seemed to tread. although it was very rare, sometimes Kylo walked away from a conversation with Hux feeling almost uneasy.

He was thankful that his helmet hid his expression as he answered. "Fine."

**Rey**

Kylo hadn't said much. He had been somewhat irritated and had indicated that they were meeting the creepy copper general that Rey had seen a few times in passing to go and see something "inspiring." So she was automatically suspicious. Outfitted with the usual chains she wore on any outings, Kylo angrily tugged her through the halls until the general joined them.

"Hux," Kylo barked. The man looked over the two of them coolly.

"Ren," he said. A small smile appeared on Hux's lips as he turned his icy gaze on Rey. "And you must be Rey. Glad to finally be introduced."

She considered replying, but something about this man felt slimy. Slick. She had dealt with many just like him. Kylo at least was transparent. So she only gazed back at him indignantly.

Hux raised his head and haughtily said, "I see she's taken a page from your book, Ren."

Rey could have sworn Kylo was smiling underneath that mask.

Hux explained in a clipped tone that they'd be looking at some children from the storm trooper program. Even though she had questioned why she was being shown this at all, Hux had only smiled a strange little smirk.

Rey remembered Finn's admission clearly How he'd been so upset, his voice breaking with emotion as he described being raised to be a killing machine. And those words that she could have said herself:

_"I was taken from a family I'll never know."_

All she knew was that whatever this program was, it was inhumane and cruel. It was part of the First Order, after all. She silently prepared herself for the robotic dehumanization she was sure to witness. What she didn't expect though, was that she wouldn't be shown adults, like Finn. No, she had been brought to see kids.

When they first arrived, the children were acting quite normally. They were each assembling a number of metal pieces into what appeared to be a replica of a blaster. Preparing them for use of the real thing. However, they did so while speaking quietly to one another. However, after a moment, the sallow teacher noticed Kylo, Hux, and Rey watching and immediately began shouting at the class.

Rey frowned as all the children shrank back and intently focused on their task. They all appeared like robots then, and she felt unsettled. As a child, she had been victim to many people who thought they owned her or could control her. She had had a few scavengers who had been kind to her, but before she had set off to scavenge alone she had been victim to a few scum who forced her to scavenge for nothing. Until she had learned to defend herself, serving others had been her only means of survival. Looking at these nameless children being trained to kill, it was like watching her own childhood slip away.

"The rigorous training makes you strong," General Hux said. "Teaches discipline." He eyed Rey. "Perhaps something you need to focus on."

Kyle said nothing, but his head turned slightly towards the general. Rey observed how his feelings spiked a bit, almost objectively.

A sudden sound within the classroom refocused Rey on the scene before her. The teacher had apparently caught one child helping another and was angry. Startled, Rey leaned in to the cool glass, confused.

"We're training soldiers, not friendships. Bonds make you weak," Kylo's robotic voice cut in through her thoughts. She looked at him, and he nodded toward the window. "It is discouraged."

Rey watched as the little girl who had assisted was given a slim steel bar and directed to the boy she had helped, who was now holding out his hands. She watched in horror as the girl began to strike the boy's pale palm as he held back tears. The girl also looked upset, but the rest of the children looked on blankly, without emotion.

Furious, she turned to Kylo. "This is barbaric. Stop them!" He stared at her, and incredously she glanced from him to Hux, who only looked smug.

"They're only children," she seethed, and banged her hands on the glass. She only got to once before she was restrained by a storm trooper.

"They're being disciplined," Kylo told her, but she shook her head in distressed dismay.

"By each other? For helping? That's just cruelty!" She fought hard against her bonds, all while Kylo's dark mask stared.

**Kylo**

He could feel her fury, and her distress. Kylo reached out to her mind, and in her anguish she was unable to focus and push him out. He saw flashes of her childhood, of cruelty imposed. Slavery and brutality she had witnessed. Bruises and hunger, even children pitted against each other for money. This did not faze him. Only the slightest twinge of emotion remained in the darkness he surrounded himself in. What caught him was the intensity of her emotion, and how memories and the act in front of her upset her. She had been degraded, deprived, hurt, taunted, but never did she falter. Always her determination won. But here, she was exposed and weak, so distraught that he was able to get inside her head. But experiencing what she felt was too much, was too overpowering. He fought against the desire, the thoughts he was suddenly afflicted with, but in the end, he reached up and knocked on the glass.

The teacher, seeing Kylo do so, hurried to stop the upset children, separating them and returning them to their seats. But Kylo didn't watch them, he watched her. She pressed close against the glass, the light from the classroom illuminating the tear that slid down her cheek.

Hux laughed.

Immediately Kylo was seized with fury. He had given in, and had done so in front of the general he so despised. All because of that stupid girl. She was eroding him, stripping him of his strength, and it made him furious. He yanked on Rey's chain and began storming away down the hallway to somewhere he could safely release his rage without Hux's eyes on him.

"You better be careful, Kylo," Hux called after him. "Your little soft spot will be the end of you."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy extra chapter day! May the odds be ever in your favor.


	4. Chapter 4

**Rey**

She didn't know why, but he had done it. He had stopped those children from being forced to hurt each other. Now, he was angry, most likely because of how that general had mocked him. She knew he hated to be viewed or even think of himself as weak. Maybe there was something more to him. Perhaps, she could convince him that his…kindness…was not weakness.

He led her to his apartment, where the wall still bore marks of his last fit. Her chain was released as the door closed, and she swiftly pressed against a wall as he picked up a chair and threw it.

"Stop it!" She yelled. Before, she had been so afraid of him and his rage. Now he just seemed like a child throwing a tantrum.

He tore off his helmet and threw it, causing it to bounce off the wall where he had burnt it last time.

"Silence!" He yelled as he drew up close to her, causing her to press even more towards the wall. "You have manipulated me with your mind and humiliated me. No more! I am the one in control here, I am your superior! You are nothing but a desert rat! I see what's in your mind, I see how you seek to overpower me with your plays of emotion!"

"You're wrong!" She shouted right back. "I didn't make you stop those children, you did!"

He was breathing heavy, seething. His hand came to grab her chin and forced her to look at him, a threat. His breath was hot on her cheek and his dark hair swept in front of his wild eyes. His other hand pinned her arm firmly, not painfully, but held her from escape. "You think I would let myself be swayed? You think I am so weak as to feel sorry for a few brats?"

Her eyes narrowed. "I felt you enter my mind, I know what you saw."

He laughed in her face. "I have no sympathy for your sad little childhood. If you used your pain and harnessed it, you would actually be of some use," he snarled.

She reached up and grabbed onto his arm with her free hand, glaring. "It was no trick. You felt something for a reason. You cared."

They stood equal, one hand on each others arm, both glaring and tense. It felt as if they were hard, stubborn walls that just kept clashing into each other again and again, trying to see who would crumble first. His hand tightened for a moment in anger on her jaw. "I did not."

"Admit it," Rey managed, almost gasping as pain shot up her flushed cheeks. "You cannot deny your feelings. You are drawn to the light." Her hand tightened on his arm as she struggled, but suddenly his hand drew back and formed a fist. A moment later, it crashed into the wall beside her.

"I am not drawn to the light!" He screamed, and then there was silence.

Rey had sucked in a sharp breath, and stood with teeth bared and muscles tense ad poised to fight. Kylo stared silently at where he had dented the wall. She laid a hand to her throat and moved away from him in one quick moment, wondering if this was just the calm before another storm.

After a moment, he flew out of the room, locking it behind him. She sank to the floor, grateful that he was gone.

Rey had felt a moment of fear that he would kill her in his anger, but she had seen the conflict in his eyes. Had felt it through his skin. She knew she should take the opportunity of his absence to work on her escape, but she was drained. She was unsettled by what she had seen-really, just unsettled by him in general. He confused her, and she kept finding herself feeling pity or compassion for the angry man.

Unwilling to sleep on the floor, she crawled onto the couch and fell asleep there, praying she wouldn't be tormented by memories in her dreams. Or by the image of him.

**Kylo**

When he returned, he did not bother removing her from the couch. Somehow, he just didn't care to torture her anymore. It was pointless, and was more uncomfortable than anything since they were constantly in each other's presence. Killing was swift, easy, and almost painless. But he had almost always left the actual torture to others. There was simply no desire to torment those he cared nothing about. Although he had never been "right" as a child according to his parents, it was not his nature to do as some did, killing pets and taking them apart. Kylo was more apt to deliver cruel and harmful punishments to those who had wronged him rather than to pointlessly slay. They only brought him in to extract information the interrorgators could not glean from their torture. Like with that pilot. He was beaten bloody, but none could get anything out of him. Except for Kylo. As for Rey though, Kylo had not let any of them touch her. Only he had dealt with her. And he had only harmed her when she had successfully resisted him. And part of that torture had been out of spite for her rejection of him from her mind.

Now he had sat for hours, staring at his grandfather's mask. Thinking forever about the dark and the light. The way he somehow was drawn to the light, like he was unconsciously wired to fight back against the dark. Even when he sought so hard to embrace it.

He had to return the galaxy to its rightful state, fulfill the dream his grandfather had. All would know the power of the force. But the mask gave him no answers, and he would not admit his weakness to his master again, although Hux had probably already informed him, the snake.

Rey frustrated him. If he was drawn to the light, it must be because it emulated from her. Her stubbornness and blind belief was the characteristics of a fool, just like his parents and Luke. Yet he would not call her that. As she tempted him into the light, it was as if she did hold a power over him, yet it was a force he could not dispel. However she had done it, he hated her for making him so pathetic.

For now, she could feel his wrath. She would see the power of the dark. He did not sleep that night, only gazed into the darkness of his room, listening to the silence of space.

**Rey**

How she hated this "training." Although so far she had not been forced into anything that seemed malicious, she hated how she was attacked again and again in order to "hone her skills." She had thought that training would focus more on her mind, not her reflexes.

The day after the disgusting display of the First Order's cruelty and her altercation with Kylo, he had appeared calm when he emerged to take her to train. But something was off, she could feel it. And it appeared so when he took her to a new place to train instead of the small room they usually used. She sometimes sparred with a storm trooper or two, but the room couldn't hold any more than them, her, and Kylo.

Kylo seemed to love watching. He would circle her and her attackers as if he was a predator waiting for her to weaken enough so he could go for the kill. She was never allowed to use a real weapon so there would be no chance of escape, instead she was given a rod that was shorter than her old one. It was more difficult, but not by much. She theorized that it was supposed to act as a makeshift lightsaber.

Luckily for Rey, she was well practiced in holding her own, even against the stormtroopers. Within a week, she could fight off a good number of them with the rod alone. Sweat dripped down her temple and her lungs would burn, but she knew it was a success. She had been able to hold her own against a number of attackers with her old staff on Jakku, and now she was even better. It was a thrill and an accomplishment, being stronger. She even found herself smiling after the latest bout. She thought that this would satisfy Kylo, but instead that day he took it further.

"Blindfold her."

Standing in the large room he had taken her to, which was already filled with Stormtroopers, she stared at him with shock. How would she be able to fight? Was he merely looking for her to be slaughtered?

Noticing her alarm, his voice remarked snidely, "No blows to the head, of course."

She shook her head wildly in disbelief, gripping her practice rod a little tighter. Maker, did he want her dead, or was he just a few starships short of a fleet?

"You're crazy."

Kylo tilted his head at her. "You will use the force to detect your opponent and their movements."

A trooper took a step towards her and she reflexively swung her rod before being frozen by Kylo's power, one his most annoying features.

"Put it on."

Aghast and frozen, she was blinded, cruelly robbed of her sight and still immobile. Kylo's voice came, closer than ever.

"Tear the blindfold off and I will deal with you using my own weapon. Now, defend yourself."

She was released and she gasped in both surprise and fear. "You're a monster-" she managed before her arm was hit, hard. She swung her rod blindly, only making contact a few times. She was hit again and again, each blow hard enough to bruise. She struggled and bit her lip from crying out, but found herself unable to concentrate past that.

"Use the force. Feel their presence." Kylo called, but she might as well have been deaf as well as blind to his words. She felt angrier with each blow, and after a particularly hard hit, she lost hold of her rod.

The beating continued, and she fell to the ground in an attempt to retrieve her only weapon and to defend herself. She reached around, but it was gone. Out of desperation she reached out with both her mind and her body, and was startled to find that she knew where it was, as if she had seen it without her eyes. She reached out again experimentally, still trying to shield herself with her arms, and felt it roll ever so slightly.

With this discovery she thrust out her energy properly, and within a moment it was back into her grasp. Using her new "sight" she blocked more than a few blows and regained her stance. She began to strike back and could tell when she was about to be hit. It was like driving a new machine without knowing the controls, but she still managed to keep herself upright. her entire body was damp from exertion and her chest heaved with every breath and blow, but she felt the change in her ability like she had before when she had reached into Kylo's mind.

In pain, she grit her teeth into a small smile. She'd show Kylo he could never beat her down and destroy her will. She would triumph.

**Kylo**

She learned so quickly. He had thought she was done for when she lost her rod, but she had used the force to regain it; and, it seemed, opened up new skills since she was now holding her own. He felt something like admiration as he watched her fight. Rey was strong with the force, just like he was. She was rough, unpolished and unpracticed, but her power was as raw and potent as his. It thrilled him even though a part of him was conflicted and envious. She was a threat if she became more powerful than he. But if she stayed here, where he could watch and control her…

He stood still and watched the scene unfold as these thoughts flipped through his mind, so much so that he was almost too distracted to notice what was happening. A particularly aggressive trooper was battling hard with Rey, swinging wider, harder. For a moment Kylo was merely interested; would she be able to continue and block him? But then, a moment before it happened, he realized that the trooper's swing was too wide, too high. She managed to block a few close blows, but eventually his weapon fell straight onto her temple. Exactly where Kylo had instructed the soldiers not to do.

She crumpled to the floor and everyone paused, confused and fearful. Kylo's heart seemed to stop, and for a moment he felt like he would be sick. A surge of absolute terror ran through him, followed by rage. The people around tensed. Kylo's animosity could be felt even before he roared, pushing past them all to Rey's lifeless body.

"Call a medic immediately," he hissed to the crowd before drawing out his lightsaber. It sputtered to life and the red flashed as he cut off the aggressive trooper's head in one swipe. The helmet and head spun away as the trooper's body became the second to hit the floor, and the rest of them backed away, two running to find a medic.

Kylo stood over Rey, lightsaber in hand and shoulder's heaving. Emotion swirled and rage consumed him. He managed to redraw his saber and put it back before clutching his head with his hands.

"Grandfather…" he mumbled, the sound barely audible from the mask. He couldn't control himself or make sense of the situation. No clarity or calm came to him, only pain. He glanced back to Rey only to feel a sharp surge as he saw her, still and bleeding. Without thinking, he scooped her up into his arms off the cold, metal floor and strode fast towards his own chambers.

**Rey**

Rey dreamed for a long time. Running through darkness, trying to reach the light. Being caught there, unable to continue. She heard children's voices, both a girl and a boy. Both cried out as if in pain. There was an island, and the taste of salt. She felt as if she was swimming through a blur of memories, feeling the rock of a mother's arms and the hot sun of Jakku. Three children, running down a sunlit path. Searing hot pain as well as love so strong it brought tears. She never thought she was asleep, forgetting the reality of wakefulness.

When she did finally wake, it was because her head hurt. It throbbed badly and her vision swam. The light hurt her eyes and head badly, so she groaned and turned her head.

It was then that she realized she was surrounded by softness. The bed that she was on was warm and she was swathed in a large blanket that felt so soft it was almost silky. She couldn't remember the last time she laid on something like this, if ever. But her body ached and felt strange, as if she had been sleeping a long time. Remembering the blur of dreams, the thought occurred to her that she probably had been.

She eased her eyes to the light gradually, and when she could see better she looked around. It was startling to realize that she recognized the place that she was in: Kylo Ren's apartment-in his bedroom. In his bed. She was in his bed.

Luckily, she was alone in this bed. But near the wall opposite the bed was the man himself, sans helmet, dozing in a chair. Staring in disbelief, Rey tried to make sense of this scene. Perhaps Kylo sat there to guard, in fear that she would wake up and take advantage of the situation to escape. Seeing Kylo brought back what had happened while she was "training," or at least what she remembered. She had been struck on her head, she thought, and this was proved by the bandages she felt on her forehead.

She tried to sit up and groaned unwillingly, which woke up the only other person in the room. Seeing her awake, Kylo hurried to his feet.

"You're awake," he said, staring at her intensely. She managed a small nod. "How do you feel?"

"My head hurts, thanks to you," she retorted weakly.

"I had nothing to do with it," he told her, eyes narrowing. "I clearly instructed them not to go for your head. That trooper disobeyed."

"It was quite a barbaric method of training and you know it," she snapped weakly.

"If you had used your abilities correctly it wouldn't have happened!" He barked.

"You're impossible," Rey countered and glared at him. "Leave me alone, you're hurting my head."

He immediately drew back, brow furrowed and emotion checked. A moment of silence passed as she leaned her head back against the pillow.

"Now that you're awake, the medic will want to examine you," he said quietly, turning quickly and leaving. Left in the quiet bedroom, Rey exhaled a held breath.

Kylo had left her alone, just as she had wanted. Had something shifted? She sank back into the pillows and stared off blankly. She was in Kylo's bed, with Kylo watching over her, and he had listened to her. As if he cared. But that was the most irreconcilable idea she had ever thought. She turned over and closed her eyes to shut off the light and her mind.

After a through exam with Kylo hovering the entire time, the medic turned to him.

"A concussion, moderate to severe."

"How long will it take to recover?"

"Could be days or even a couple of weeks. She-"

Rey gripped the blanket between her hands tightly. "I'm the one with the concussion. Why don't you tell me, not him?"

The medic looked at her swiftly then nervously cleared his throat. Kylo raised an eyebrow. "Ignore her. She has forgotten exactly where she is."

She understood perfectly. Under his thumb, on his leash. Ass.

"She should be monitored…No amnesia, but could lapse into sleep again if not woken up regularly…susceptible to further injury…" Rey could only catch pieces because the doctor had lowered his voice. His hands had been gentle but his eyes were cold and methodical. She wasn't a person, just a broken being that needed fixing, like a machine. It seemed that no one here had a bit of kindness in them.

The doctor soon left and Kylo returned to his chair, staring at her like he always did.

"No more training for you for a while."

"What a pity."

"It will take a while for you to recover. We must treat you gently," he said, a sarcastic edge in his voice.

"I'm sure you will, just like before."

His look could kill a Bantha.

"Do you feel like eating?"

"No."

"You should eat."

"I don't want anything except for you to leave me alone."

She was harsh, but she refused for him to take advantage of her physical weakness. Rot her concussion! She had never let anything stop her before. Always she would push herself further, doing what she could until she was back to normal.

"I can play nice. I am a good host after all," Kylo replied. He got up and returned with a glass of water and set it down by the bed.

"Drink."

It seemed like a surrender, but Rey wasn't stupid. Water was essential and on Jakku, precious. She picked it up and drank it rather swiftly, which for her was not unusual. She set the glass back down and lay back, refusing to look at him.

"Are you in pain?"

He actually sounded a little human this time.

"You're the biggest pain here," she retorted.

He got up and began to pace around the bed, clearly stinging from her barb. "You are not made out of steel, I see. Certainly that depresses your ego, since you like to appear so tough. But you're just a little scavenger, and with your claws removed you don't have much left."

Rey closed her eyes and let her head fall back again. All she could do was try and use her small amount of control she had over him. "I'll never recover if I am forced to get up and strangle you. Stop. Talking."

She was starting to feel sick just hearing his hateful words. Or rather, the water was hitting her empty stomach and was making her nauseous. Very nauseous.

Kylo was saying something, but she wasn't focused on him at all. In fact, she was trying very hard not to vomit. But slowly the realization hit her that it was going to happen, so she pushed herself up and slowly slid her feet to the floor.

"What are you doing?" Kylo sounded a little amused, as if he thought she really was going to try and fight him. Rey didn't answer him, instead trying to focus her dizzied vision on the refresher door. So far…if only her feet would work properly!

She had made it around the corner of the bed and was rounding the other when she stepped right into it and fell forward. Lucky for her poor bruised head, Kylo's leather clad arms caught her.

"Where are you going?" He asked, a little more concerned. She shook her head and clamped a hand over her mouth, which Kylo immediately understood.

"Shit," he cursed, and dragged her straight into the refresher. She pushed him away then and went directly for the toilet, retching up the little that was in her stomach. Becoming aware that Kylo's boot was touching her foot, she kicked it. Could he not give her a second of privacy?

If he felt it, he didn't acknowledge it. Instead there was the sound of water running and she suddenly felt something cool touch her brow. She had nothing left in her stomach, but felt so terrible that she didn't even glance up until she heard his voice.

"Damn you," he muttered. He was holding a wet cloth across her forehead and frowning as if concerned. Seeing her watching him, his face changed to a hard expression and he grabbed her arm.

"Come on." When she tried to shrug him off, he only clutched her closer. "As if you could walk perfectly fine on your own."

As he did, she became aware that she was wearing some kind of absurd nightdress. Mid thigh, soft, and sleeveless. But it was not something she felt comfortable wearing. She hadn't worn a dress in many, many years. It was hard to kick someone in the face without giving them a show as well.

Kylo actually helped her back into bed and made sure her water glass was refilled. She took a small sip of it and then laid back, frustrated and exhausted. She let her eyes loll to the side and was again surprised to see a worried expression on Kylo's face.

"Vomiting…is normal," she told him. He frowned again.

"Go to sleep," he ordered. She rolled her eyes.

"I can't. I've been sleeping for ages."

"Try."

"No."

The pair stared at each other, unwilling to bow. Kylo crossed his arms and leaned back, as if he had no care. They sat in silence for a long time which felt even longer to Rey.

"Why must you watch me like that? Am I too dangerous to be left alone, even like this?"

He scoffed. "I can do what I want, this is my dwelling."

She narrowed her eyes. "You are incorrigible. Leave me be."

"Sorry little desert rat, but I do not take orders from the likes of you."

She pushed herself up and felt his eyes inspect her. "Then talk if you insist on being here. I cannot stand your silent scrutiny."

He gave a short laugh. "I'd rather hear you talk. I want answers."

"You know I won't."

His head tilted. "Come now, is a pleasant conversation so difficult?"

She lifted an eyebrow. "Answer one of my questions, and maybe I'll answer yours."

He leaned forward, black hair rushing his high cheekbones, his expression exposing his interest. "All right. Begin, little rat."

"It's Rey, and nothing else," she said sharply. "Why do you wear that mask?"

His eyes bored into hers. "To honor someone and to incite fear." He paused, scanning her blank expression for any sign of reaction. "How long have you known Han Solo?"

"Not long at all. Only a few days."

Kylo couldn't keep the surprise off his face, and she grinned.

"Then how-"

"It's my turn," Rey taunted. "Where do you come from?"

Kylo's face turned dark even at the slightest inquiry to his past. "Nowhere."

"Liar."

"I'm not lying. I was born on a ship and raised in many different locations."

This at least was interesting. Not all mothers would fly far while heavily pregnant. Most wanted their child born on their home planet, or at least a space station. But Rey knew better than to ask another question so soon.

"Where did you get the droid?"

"On Jakku. I found it."

He nodded slowly.

"Why do you want to find Luke Skywalker?" She asked.

Kylo's eyes narrowed and his gaze left her. He seemed to look beyond her. "To eradicate him. All Jedi must be disposed of."

"And what of me?"

His eyes shifted, and to her surprise he answered.

"You could be trained. But if not…"

She suppressed a shiver.

"Where is your family?" He suddenly asked. She blinked, confused at the personal question.

"I don't know." She replied. He said nothing, as if waiting. "They…they left. They are gone. I don't know where, if they even are still alive."

She swallowed another sip of water to avoid thinking. She wanted so badly to be in a family, in a home again. Almost all she could remember was loneliness.

"Will you get me some pants?"

He leaned back, complete surprise over his features that made her want to laugh.

"You want pants?"

"Is that your question? Because you didn't answer mine."

He shook his head as if trying to dispel whatever emotion he had stumbled upon. "Yes, I'll order you some pants." His eyes slid to her with curiosity. "Do you dislike skirts?"

She rolled her eyes. That definitely counted as his question. "They aren't practical, and I don't need to share anything of mine with anyone I don't want to."

"Like your legs?"

She grit her teeth."My turn to ask," she growled. Luckily, she knew how to change the subject.

"Where is _your_ family?" She asked.

Displeased, Kylo hesitated. "I don't know either. My mother is surely on some base somewhere, and my father is probably still running around the outer rim, hiding among the filth of the galaxy."

"But they're still alive?" This was even more interesting.

Kylo ignored her second question. "Who else was with you when you saw the map?"

What a stupid question. He knew she wouldn't answer. "How did you turn to the dark side?" She countered. Both stared.

Finally, she asked a different question. "Is your father Luke Skywalker?"

Kylo laughed bitterly. "No."

She brushed her hair back behind her ears and leaned forward. "But your grandfather…He was Darth Vader. Then Leia is…?"

Kylo did not reply, only stared at her. "Who are your parents?" He asked.

Her head began to hurt and she grit her teeth into a frown. "I…I don't remember. It was…" She couldn't continue. Did she even have their faces in her mind? All she could remember were voices, and feelings.

"Your family is still alive," she said. "What did they do that would make you abandon them this way?"

He gazed past her at the dark, star studded view. "They held me back…They don't understand the legacy of my grandfather. They try to destroy it."

His eyes refocused on her. "I would like to know who your parents are. Surely someone so force sensitive…"

"What?"

"Nothing. Who knew that a small pest from the outer rim would possess so much potential."

Her brow furrowed and she turned her head away from him. "My parents weren't even from Jakku. I don't remember them much…only small flashes. I don't know them, but…I'm sure they would be parents I'd be proud of. That I am proud of."

His features intensified as he gazed upon her. "They abandoned you, and you still love them?"

Her eyes flashed and her head whipped around to stare at him. "They didn't abandon me!"

"You don't know that. You don't even remember them."

Her hands clutched the blanket. "They were coming back for me. And you abandoned yours to worship the mask of a dead man."

He stood, chair clattering against the wall from his sudden stand. "You know nothing of him!"

"And you know nothing of my parents!" She hissed. "Darth Vader returned to the light because of Luke, yet you refuse to acknowledge this!"

Kylo's veins stood out in his temple and his gloved hand made a fist. "He built a legacy of power that I will inherit!" He yelled gutturally, his deep voice breaking. "Luke Skywalker used his power to influence his mind into abandoning it!"

She sat up on her knees and pointed at him. "You will never be as powerful because Darth Vader, no, _Anakin Skywalker_ , walked back to the path of the light! He didn't let himself be controlled by his anger!"

Suddenly her throat seized and she grasped it, choking. Kylo's hand was reached out, but he dropped it after a second. She gasped for air and cried out as she was released, her head screaming with pain from the fright. She looked up at him through loose pieces of her hair, chest heaving as she regained her breath.

"You're a monster," she said hoarsely. An odd expression came across his face, and he looked down at his hand.

"I'm sorry," he replied, his voice strange. She reached out tentatively with the force, trying to understand the conflict that seemed to make up his every cell.

She watched as his eyes traveled up to hers, then his hand reached out. She flinched, eyes closing, expecting to feel the force of his powers once again. But instead there was a simple touch on her cheek, and her eyes flew open, shocked at the warmth of his skin.

"I wish you didn't exist," he said quietly. "All you do is complicate things."

He moved away and left the room quickly, too quickly for her to fully comprehend what had happened.

She let herself fall into a deep sleep soon after to relieve the pain she felt and to avoid thinking about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for everything guys! Your comments and everything is awesome! For those who thought Hux and his little "experiment" was creepy, I tried to draw some disgusting inspiration from the Nazis since Lucasfilms drew elements of the Nazis for the Empire and the First Order. Creepy. Anyways, extra long chapter today for all the love you've shown me!


	5. Chapter 5

**Kylo**

He hated her, that was for sure.

Kylo wished she was nothing, insignificant, something he could detest easily and without thought. He hated how he always caught himself watching her, as if she was entertaining. He felt caught like a moth in her trap. Was this what his grandfather had felt at the end of his life? Like the light was so bright that it could not be avoided and instead drew him in so he could burn? He wished he was strong enough to truly dive into the dark side and cut ties with all that was light. But instead he was always conflicted, in pain from the unavoidable thoughts and feelings. Oh, but how he tried.

He hadn't understood, at first. He thought his strength and devotion were all that he needed to fully encase himself in the power of the dark side. But somehow, he could not improve. Finally, Snoke told him that it was his inability to detach himself enough from his emotions that made him unable to grasp the power of the dark side. Kylo's anger and hatred were what made him strong enough to kill every Jedi-to-be that Luke had so carefully trained, but it was not enough. He was not like his grandfather, who harnessed and controlled his despair into steel and strength. Kylo was never cold, he was hot, red hot. Angry, confused, depressed. Every time he lashed out it was another failure. His master told him that he would never improve until he learned control. So Kylo knew what he had to do: seek out and kill Luke Skywalker, and rid himself of every bond he had left of his old life. He would destroy the ties that bound him to the anger he felt against his former family and release himself into the sea of darkness that beckoned. No more pain, no more confusion. Just like his grandfather, he had to lose everything.

But there she was, worming and clawing her way into his mind. It was her power that caught his attention at first, the possibilities she held unknowingly inside her. It was raw and striking. And a threat. Snoke encouraged him to retain her and bring her to the dark side, under their control. But once again, Kylo was not strong enough. He kept her too close, always watching and listening and waiting. Her resistance, her strength, her ability, it stunned him, fascinated him. She was what he could never be—as bright as the desert planet's sun. He craved her strength, but it was turning. Now he wanted more.

Deep inside, he had thoughts of possessing her. Rey, in his arms. Her approval, her strength added to his. A raging fire that consumed him but dulled his senses into a strange peace. He had seen her smile, how her eyes lit up. She craved life, adventure, like his father. But she stood rigid and passionate for her cause, like Luke. And her wit—like his mother. She brought up thoughts that he had been almost successful in burying—thoughts of regret and loneliness. A dream of something different.

Damn her.

He quickly sent a droid to her in case she needed something. Hopefully she wouldn't be feisty enough to try and escape while she was gone. But that would be just like her to try and finagle a droid and escape his locked apartment while injured. Stupid.

But he couldn't worry about that now. No, he needed answers, guidance.

"Master," he began to the large figure before him. The room was empty except for him and Snoke this time, no Hux to see his embarrassment.

"Master, I need your help. I'm losing control, even more so than before."

"I heard about the girl's mishap. I am disappointed. Perhaps she is not as strong as I thought."

Kylo looked up, shocked. Did Snoke not see what he did? Hadn't he foreseen her becoming even more powerful? "She is strong, and she learns fast. I…I pushed too hard."

Snoke did not answer, instead only staring at his apprentice. Kylo felt his desperation rising. "I feel conflicted again. She is weakening me!"

"No!" Snoke's shout was loud and echoed deeply. "You are attached to this girl. You have let yourself feel compassion for her, and therefore are making yourself weak."

Biting his tongue, Kylo bowed his head. "Forgive me," he said. "She also still refuses to reveal the map."

"Hmm…" Snoke tapped his fingers. "I think we may be able to use your…fixation. I foresee that she will return your little infatuation. You must build her trust and bring her to our side. Forget about the map; do not let our plans be clouded by your own feelings. Do not fail me, Ren."

"Yes, master," Kylo echoed. A part of that had clawed at him. _Return your little infatuation…_

He felt cold and stunned and then Hux's voice echoed in his head.

_"A pawn…"_

Snoke disappeared and left Kylo alone in the dark chamber feeling nothing but confusion.

Snoke hadn't given him any solutions, only an order that made him feel even more unstable. There's was only one place left to go.

"Grandfather." Kylo ripped off his mask as soon as he was alone. He sat down in the chair and put his head into his hands. His head ached and he wanted to scream.

"I'm conflicted again. I don't know what to do, grandfather," he told the melted mask. It stared back without a sound. He tried to explain.

"She draws me to the light even more than before. Master Snoke says I have become attached to her. I hate this feeling." Kylo grabbed his hair and shut his eyes. "I'm being torn apart. And master wants me to pursue a…relationship. With her. But…it may destroy me. How am I to devote myself to the dark side when she is maddeningly close to breaking my will?"

Kylo wrestled with his emotions, seeking the calm he sometimes achieved during these moments, which he thought was evidence of his grandfather's presence. But it did not come.

"Grandfather, please…Show me the way." His dark voice echoed within the walls of the room, but it was the only company he had.

Kylo closed his eyes and tried to focus, but the voice of his mother kept intruding into his thoughts.

_Your grandfather met your grandmother when he was very young…assigned to protect her…a field of nothing but flowers…she named me Leia, your uncle, Luke._

Silly, childish tales. Yet they had always stuck with him. Stories Leia had heard from Luke, who had learned them from spirits beyond the grave. Tales his mother had told him because he was so interested in Vader; tales of his grandfather, but ones that didn't particularly interest him at the time.

_He called her an angel…defied the Jedi law and married…wanted to save her, and let the dark powers coerce him…_

It wasn't until he was older that his mother told him the truth about how his grandmother died; it was not in childbirth, but after, from a broken heart and lack of will to live. Because his grandfather had lost control. He had hurt her in anger.

Just like Kylo had. Just like Kylo would.

His grandfather had risen to become the champion of the galaxy without her. But had it been because of her?

He was confused, torn. Luke had preached a life of abstaining, of detachment, of solitude. The older he had gotten, the less time he had spent with his family, retreating instead into a life of what he described as the traditional Jedi way. Not like his grandfather lived, but was his affection his downfall or his strength?

Kylo walked back to his apartments, unable to reach any kind of peace. The image of her, asleep and sprawled across his bed, did not help. He slept on the couch.

**Rey**

Rey awoke with a much clearer head. She wasn't dizzied by sitting up, so she slowly took herself to the refresher without incident. Afterwards, she brushed her hair and set it in her usual style, which was comforting and calming. However, once she had done that, there was nothing left to do but to go back to bed. She didn't have any other clothes than the night clothes she was wearing, and the long hem kept brushing her ankles and annoying her. He had not yet brought her pants.

Kylo had not come in as far as she knew, and she wondered if he had already left for the day. She dared enough to walk out into the rest of the apartment in search of food. She had only taken a few steps in when she spotted him, asleep. But he must have sensed her, for his dark eyes flew open after she paused.

"Rey," he said, sitting up. Her eyes swept over him quickly as the strange sound of his voice saying her name rang in her ears. "Clearly you're feeling better."

She crossed her arms over her chest and her lips pressed together. "I told you I was fine."

He didn't respond, just watched her in his strange way as he walked up to her. She never backed down, but her heart quickened as she was forced to look up at him when he came close. Something strange was in the air, and she felt like she was in danger.

"Hungry?" he asked.

Lost for words, she nodded. After a moment, he turned away to go and punch in the order to the control panel.

She swallowed and retreated back into the bedroom. Uneasy, she went to the large glass wall and leaned against the bar, fingers tapping. The darkness of space was no view, but from here she could see the elegant aircrafts flying to and from the base, like shooting stars.

"Get back in bed."

Anger spiked in her at the sound of his gratingly deep voice. She let her eyes roll upwards in frustration as the lids slowly closed. "I'm perfectly capable of deciding what I can and can't do."

"Get back in bed, or I'll drag you there."

She whipped around, a little too fast for her head not to smart. But she ignored it. "You're repulsive. I'm not one of your slaves that you can order around."

Her hands tightened into fists, but then her body froze in a way that was too familiar. Kylo, expression guarded, slowly strode over to her and raised an eyebrow cockily at her motionless stance before scooping her up and releasing his hold on her body.

"Let me go!" She seethed, but he only pressed her close to him as he carried her back to the bed. Her cheek was pressed to the synthetic fabric of his shirt, which smelt of leather and dry grass. Her struggles were kept weak by his hold and her sense, for she knew her indignity wasn't worth risking worsening her injuries. The faster she was well again, the faster she could escape from this miserable place.

Still, his touch was again surprisingly gentle and not repellent, which was unusual because an unfamiliar touch usually deterred her. She sat up in bed after he placed her there and gathered the blankets around her, wishing he wouldn't see her in such a vulnerable state. It felt weak.

He stood by the edge of the bed.

"Going to watch me again?" She asked, still angry, tossing her head angrily.

"If it'll keep you there," he replied emotionlessly, clearly guarded. "If you have moved by the time I get back, I'll make you watch me eat your food."

Her lips parted, a protest ready. But she closed them as he left, realizing that he was taking care of her. He could have had a droid do it. But it was him watching over her, bringing her food and forcing her to rest.

She was still confused when he returned.

"Why are you doing this?" She blurted out as he set the tray in front of her. His brow lifted, dark gaze inquisitive as he sat back into the chair by the bed.

"Why are you acting like this?" she clarified. "Why aren't I strapped back in your little torture room?

His face didn't change. "It's a room for storage."

He hadn't answered the question. "Why are you being nice?"

Kylo seemed to consider her question before asking his own. "Why do you care?"

Rey licked her lips. Perhaps this was like their little game before. If she answered, maybe he would.

"I wondered if perhaps you'd gone soft," she replied honestly. Had he perhaps developed a liking for her? Or sympathy? Guilt?

His eyes bored into hers through the fringe of dark hair. "You think you've made me weak. Beguiled me."

Rey's cheeks warmed. "I said no such thing. It's not weak to treat another person like a human being."

He scoffed and she turned her attention to the meal before her. It looked better than anything she had seen before. She cast a curious glance up, hazel eyes wide and searching, but quickly looked back down. Another kindness?

She began to eat in silence. He did not watch her, instead sat tapping his foot by the bed, gazing far off at a wall.

How long would this go on? There was a strange tension in the room that she didn't understand. There was a pull at her that seemed to have come alive, but she hadn't even realized that it had laid dormant. She was almost finished with the most delicious food she had ever eaten, and she honestly hadn't been paying it the slightest notice. She had been too busy watching him.

He got up, suddenly, and began pacing like a caged animal. "You asked me who my mother was. Are you also curious about my father?"

She nodded, feeling cautious. He was closer now, and she saw no connection between this and what they had been talking about before she began eating.

"Why do you wonder? Do you wonder how someone, descended from the powerful Skywalkers, could turn to the dark side?"

She shook her head slowly. Her lack of verbal response seemed to upset him.

"You ask me about…kindness." His voice twisted the word, made it sound ugly. "Have you forgotten what I did to you when you arrived here? Have you already forgiven me for the injury you are recovering from already?"

Immediately she drew back into herself. But it was strange, she noted, that he would suddenly claim fault for her concussion. "No," she replied darkly, tensed as if she was about to move, to run. As if there was someplace to run to.

"Yet still you think me capable of kindness?"

She blinked and brushed her hair back behind her ear, for it was already coming loose from her buns. "I…I think so." This was dangerous territory. "I already told you." Had he forgotten their conversation after seeing those children?

"Do you want that from me?"

Kindness? Now she was uncomfortable. Did she? She supposed so…but...didn't anyone want that? Or did she desire it as proof of his buried light? Why was she so eager to pull it out of him and shove it in his face? "I…yes."

His eyes bored into her and she felt her breath catch. "You hate me, yet you are curious."

She found her voice. "I don't hate you."

Her heart fluttered as he stared at her in silence, for way too long. He sat on the bed and leaned close to her, but his face was not intimidating this time. Still, she instinctively moved back into the pillow.

Something in eyes was hungry. "I will answer your question if you let me."

She glared. "Let you do what?"

His gaze was intense and he was so close that she could count every birth mark on his face. An alarm went off in her mind as she realized that she wanted to touch him, skim her fingers over his cheek.

"Don't be dense. You know what I am speaking of," he said, his tone urgent.

Her expression was hard as stone as she tried to understand. But suddenly, his breath on her lips brought clarity. God, he couldn't be speaking of…She had never let anyone touch her like that. "I will not make any such bargain with you."

"Reason with me, Rey." He somehow came closer.

"…Just tell me, Kylo."

A moment passed between them.

"My mother _is_ Luke's twin sister, Leia. My father, Han Solo."

Her eyes widened, expression slacked. But then his lips were on hers and the information was forgotten.

It was like she had been shocked with a jolt of a feeling she had never felt before. Waves of emotion flowed off of him that blinded her. What she felt touched her greatly—touched a sore, aching part of her that longed for someone to love her. Someone had loved her, once, and once one is loved they never forget it. She would have believed this a cruel joke, a ruse, a tactic if she didn't feel what she felt from him. Somehow she slipped into his mind, wading in his feelings. It was overwhelming because it was strong, but also because the emotion she felt from him was true. There wasn't anything false about it, no fault or motive to be seen. It was like warmth spreading through her, like glimpsing the sea of emotion she had heard for so long. It had been in his eyes, his touch, and even a few of his actions. And now she knew it to be true, she saw it, felt it. He cared for her, and to her own shock, she was not repulsed. No, she was almost…reciprocating.

Lips kneaded hers, a cold hand held her cheek. Her eyes had closed at some time and all she knew was that his lips were warm and persistent. This was the first time Rey had been kissed, and it was the first time she had felt anything like this.

And she did. She felt something.

She pulled back with a startled gasp and shot her hands forward, propelling him back a few feet before he caught himself. Scrambling to her feet to escape such vulnerability, she swayed unsteadily.

Rey looked sideways, lips stinging from the separation. Fear and anger rose in her as she realized what had happened, what she had let happen. What she had done.

Kylo crashed the chair by the bed against the wall, causing Rey to look up.

"Push me again like that and—" he admonished, but she quickly cut him off.

"You touch me like that again and I'll rip your hands off!" She said, shaking.

She felt it now, felt the small stretch of her prison. How could she forget herself? How could she forget that this man had captured her, imprisoned her, manipulated her, hurt her? Kylo was no man, he was a monster.

His gaze was dark, eyes angry. "You don't get to give me orders."

That was the wrong thing to say to her. Her heart beat fast and she wished for her staff with great ire. She had felled off many attacks before and had rarely been touched because of her excellent defense. She took that kind of stance now, shoulders hunched and eyes narrowed.

"You are the lowest kind of scum," Rey snarled. How could she have thought he had anything other than selfish feelings? "You prey on others like a buzzard."

For a moment, Kylo looked shocked, which unnerved Rey for a moment. He scoffed at her. "Get back in bed, you're ridiculous. If I wanted you, I'd have you."

"You're disgusting. The Force was never meant to be used with such evil intent."

His patience was thin from her insults. "You assume too much, desert rat," he snapped. "I don't need to use force to get what I want from a woman."

"I'm not your toy!" Rey seethed. "You seek to manipulate me."

"Do I?" He replied nastily. His eyes glittered with resentment. "There would be no other reason then?"

She paused and looked up, her wide eyes searching his face. Despite what she had felt from him, there was no way he could have possibly kissed her because he genuinely wanted to. Like a normal person. "You have no care or concern for anyone."

He laughed, bitterly. "Monsters have no feelings."

His use of the phrase she had just thought of him as frightened her, but then he reached out his hand. "Come. Search my mind. See if what you believe is true."

Her eyes narrowed. But she sensed this was no trick. She refused his hand but came closer. He looked straight at her, daring. She hesitated, and then focused hard on his mind, pushing in with full force.

It was darkness. She thought it'd be familiar, but it really wasn't. It was flashes of sound and smell and pictures and strong, strong emotions. And there was the feeling of being watched. Rey felt like she was drowning. Focus, she had to focus. She concentrated hard on her own memory of earlier, and within a few moments she saw Kylo's recollection of it.

She saw her own face, watching him with apprehension as he leaned in. She felt what he had felt, which was excitement, fear…and a strange feeling of tenderness. Longing. It built and built, overwhelmingly, until Rey shoved herself out of his mind.

"Enough," she said. She turned away from him, heart in her throat.

"Convincing?" Kylo asked.

Rey didn't answer. She bit her lip and tried to kill the rising feeling inside. For the first time since she had gotten here, she felt like she was really losing it. She felt tears threatening to spill.

"Leave me alone," she told him. He didn't move.

A tear rolled down her cheek. "Please," she asked. "For once, be decent."

When he didn't answer, she turned and looked at him as another tear slid down her cheek.

**Kylo**

He hadn't ever seen her cry. Not even when she was in pain or when he taunted her. Was she upset by what she had seen?

He hated having her there, in his head. He had hated it the first time, and he hated it even more the second time. It made him feel powerless and weak. He knew he disgusted her, why let her explore the darkest recesses of his mind?

He wished that he could reach back into her mind and understand her. Her face was often an open book, but she rarely voiced her feelings unless provoked. So he watched her, always. Silent, he stared at the tear that slipped down her cheek and wondered why.

Maddening.

Turning away from her, he cast a backwards glance. He felt a turmoil of emotions, some his, some hers. Like he could hear them. She was in pain, like he was. How did he tell her?

"You're not the only one suffering," he said, voice harsh. "You are infuriating; how am I supposed to know what you're feeling? If I disgust you, say so. I have no desire to…have anything to do with someone who thinks so little of me."

Her lips were parted, eyes slightly wide as he ranted. But then her entire face crumpled and she buried her head in her hands.

"I don't know, alright? This is…simply crazy." She shook her head. "I loathed you. I might still. All you do is terrorize and hurt. I can barely believe you have any care for anyone else."

Rejection. He had tried, goddamn it, and now he was filled to bursting with darkness. His eyes narrowed and focused on her. "And you do? You're reckless. Uncultured. Who has ever loved you? You were abandoned on a wasteland to die, yet you criticize me."

The wave of her anger came over him, her eyes narrowed and fierce. "I have never murdered anyone for power! You know nothing of my family, how-how dare you!" She yelled, coming closer. She was not scared of him. "You are a heartless barve, and I could never forgive you, never less care about you after what you've done to me, to anyone."

A sharp inhale burned his lungs like fire. He shook with emotion, all his efforts restraining him from striking out. But the words slipped out of him.

"Unlovable vermin."

She slapped him, hard. He didn't stop her. He stared at her for a moment, something shattering within him, then turned and left.

**Rey**

Relieved that he was gone, she cried. Not for very long, but hard enough to wrack her lithe body with sobs. She feared he'd return and see her pathetic scene, so after a while she forced it to the back of her mind and got up to sanisteam.

Sanisteaming was a luxury, so much water was impressive. She would have cherished it on Jakku, when she returned every day from her scavenge soaked in sweat and crusted in dust and sand. Now she sat in an endless stream of water for a long time, imagining it as rain. She had heard of rain from the Wookies who described thick, lush forests plagued by constant waterfall. It was a fantasy she often went to, but it was difficult to imagine. She imagined most zipping through the rain on a speeder, water whipping in her face with the wind. Freedom. She sank into these daydreams to comfort herself, as she had many times before.

She felt better afterward and was toweling off her hair when she reentered the bedroom and almost peed herself when she spied Kylo sitting on the bed. He was absolutely still, and her heart pounded.

"What are you doing?" She asked. He ignored her and did not respond, not meeting her eyes.

"I…apologize," he finally voiced. She waited, processing. Clutching her towel to her, she suddenly noticed the fresh clothes next to him, a pair of pants on top.

"For what?" she replied bitterly, swallowing hard as she stared at those stupid cream pants.

"For what I said."

She stood awkwardly in the doorway, wanting to retreat. "…Fine."

He stood rapidly and caught her eyes. "Tell me one thing."

She swallowed. "What?"

He took a step forward. "Is it impossible?"

Were _they_ impossible? God. Why did he have to ask her? She didn't know, and honestly, she didn't want to know! She hated what she felt and wanted to bury it deep inside, just as she buried the fact that her family was gone. Yet his expression, his eyes gave off a vulnerability she had so rarely seen from him. And it somehow caused an ache in her.

Her head fell and her eyes closed. Her tongue felt incredibly heavy and her heart pounded. But still the words came out. "No."

Something eased in his face, while something tightened within her. It was a betrayal. It was inevitably doomed. Yet it was not impossible.

"Rey," Kylo said, coming nearer so that she had to look up at him. His voice was deep and detached, but she saw and felt his true feelings. "Tell me what I need to do."

She shook her head. "This is so foolish."

"Tell me."

"I don't know, Kylo."

His eyes were piercing. "I don't…want you to be…unhappy."

"Then let me go."

He sighed and reached out to stroke back a piece of her hair, but she leaned away. Realizing what she had automatically done, her cheeks flushed lightly.

"I-"

"I understand," he said and turned away.

The thought of him bringing her those pants was stuck in her mind. And how he had looked at her when she woke after the injury. The way he had held her so gently when she had been sick in the 'fresher. She gritted her teeth then took a step forward, stopping his turn. After a moment of avoiding his eyes, she leaned against him, head resting on his chest. He hesitated, then carefully laid a hand on her back.

"Why is it you?" She whispered. How could it be him who made her feel this way? Out of anyone, why this cruel, cold man?

He didn't answer, but a small sigh echoed in his chest. For a long moment, they stood like that, connected.

A surrender.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey loves, thanks for all the kudos and everything! You guys are the best. Sorry this is a bit late, my laptop has broken :( Leave me comments, they fuel my soul!


	6. Chapter 6

**Rey**

They didn't speak much that night. One could even say they avoided each other. Rey tinkered with the cleaning droid's navigation system, and Kylo fiddled around with his datapad of messages and reports. They even ate dinner in silence. At the table. It was strange, the feeling in the apartment.

"You can have the bed, you know. I'm fine with sleeping on the couch," she told him. She'd slept on much worse. He gave her a dirty look, as if she had insulted him.

"I know. It's my bed," he said. She scowled. "But I prefer you sleep there."

Maybe Leia had hammered some kind of silly, distant chivalry into him. She merely shrugged and then retreated to the room, no good night. She lay in bed a long time, going over and over the events of the day in her head. She wondered what Kylo was thinking.

The next morning she awoke to the loud, grating sound of metal on metal. She discovered it was coming from the wall of the bedroom. Maybe they were doing maintenance? It was annoying, and Kylo was nowhere to be found. She was so bored and restless. Her days had always been filled with work. Now all she did was lay around and have intense, stupid conversations with her moody captor.

The sound stopped a little after midday. Kylo strode in about an hour after.

"Stay in the living room," he instructed. She frowned at him and he gave her a strange smile. One with only a small amount of conceit. Suspicious, she still did as asked.

The sound resumed and she walked around aimlessly, trailing her fingers along the black and grey furniture. What the brix were they doing in there? The sound was much louder. She heard Kylo's deep voice and the higher pitched mechanical sound of a droid. All this noise was giving her a headache, so she leaned back on the couch and closed her eyes.

After a while the noise ceased again. A few minutes passed before she felt cool fingers on her cheek.

That smile again. She stared back, perfectly serious. He cocked his head.

"I have something to show you."

She followed him back into the bedroom and was surprised to find a narrow hallway interjecting the wall. It led to a door, which Kylo opened without a passcode.

Inside was a workshop filled with small shiny tools and a few tables. Shelves held various parts and machines. Nothing from a speeder, but a few droids and engines. A small cot sat in the corner, and a large window looked out at the dark, star studded sky.

She looked back, with shock clearly written all over her face. Kylo's face was serious.

"Do you like it?"

A workshop, for her. She was overwhelmed. Excitement, gratitude, affection, and a slow, creeping sense of fear. Did Kylo see her here indefinitely? Surely, surely he wouldn't keep her captive if they…well, if they were something. But she pushed it away. This was a kind thing, and he was true to his word. He had actually wanted to make her happy.

"Yes. It's incredible," she replied, a small smile growing on her lips.

She was torn, wanting to display her affection but disgusted at herself for wanting that. But she surrendered once more and went to him to awkwardly lean against him once more, her hand sliding around him. He reciprocated, and she felt his lips on her hair. She suppressed a shiver.

"Good," he murmured.

She leaned away and looked at him and was struck by the look in his eyes. Adoration, but a little tortured. Her mouth was dry and her chest swelled. They gazed at each other for a moment, and then before she realized it she reached up to guide him down to kiss her.

They kissed him lightly, cautiously, but soon enough his hands pressed into her back. His lips were eager and she was swept away, completely overwhelmed again by the rise of emotion from him. Or was it hers? But she didn't let it last long, and his disappointment showed.

"I'm going to work some now," she told him. She expected him to go, but he went to the small bed and sat down.

"May I watch?" He asked. She glanced at him doubtfully but nodded before turning away. She didn't want him to see her flushing cheeks.

**Kylo**

She was always apprehensive. Her joy had been genuine at his gift, but with him she was hesitant. She didn't trust him very much. And she didn't seem like she was sure of this. He suspected she felt guilty.

Still, Kylo wanted more. He knew he shouldn't push, and he knew his gift extravagant. But the power he had was large, and he wished to show it to her in a positive way. He had major control in the First Order and strived to impress her. He'd win her over, and she'd never want to leave.

He liked watching her work. She always had a small furrow in her brow from concentration, but a small smile played on her lips as well. He wanted to kiss them.

They ate together in silence again until he asked her about her previous mechanical work on Jakku. He was only semi-interested, but the way she lit up was almost enchanting. She made it interesting.

Still, she was incredibly guarded. If he touched her unexpectedly, she jumped or swung back automatically in defense. He rarely was able to instigate anything, everything had to be her choice. She seemed embarrassed and conflicted every time he tried to touch her. He wanted her, and he could feel the draw she felt towards him, but she was stubbornly trying not to act on it. But gradually…it seemed like she was wearing down.

"Don't you have any flight simulators?" She asked him one evening while they both sat in the sitting area, he on the couch and she on a large chair. He glanced up from the reports he was reading and scoffed.

"Only for first order ships. Looking for a wild ride?"

She frowned and crossed her arms before coming over to sit on the other end of the couch he was in.

"I used to do them all the time on Jakku." She leaned down to scratch her leg, and Kylo caught a glimpse of a few stray brown curls brushing the pale skin of her neck. Something stirred within him.

"I won't give you a better opportunity to steal one of our fighters."

She smiled cockily. "I could fly it regardless."

He shook his head, but felt his lips tug up. Ridiculous girl.

She shifted and edged closer to him, immediately catching his full attention.

"Are you afraid?" She asked, her eyes boring into his.

"No."

"Then why can't I?"

Gods, she leaned in closer. Her skin brushed his.

"Because I said so."

She glared at him, but he was too focused on the warmth of her skin

"That's not a real reason."

He could just lean down and kiss her, right here, right now. Pull her onto his lap and just press her close. A long moment went by before he realized he hadn't answered.

"…Fine."

Her wide smile beamed at him and his breath caught in his throat. She had no idea the thoughts he had, nor how absolutely…beautiful...she was.

"Tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow."

She turned her head and rested it on his arm. Trying to hold back his impulsivity, he took his arm away only to slide it around her. She jumped a little when his fingers touched her arm, but stayed where she was. After a moment, she relaxed onto his shoulder.

The closer he got to her, the more intoxicated he was. The draw was stronger, harder to resist. Like falling.

Her head on his shoulder, his arm around her. They were small rewards. But somehow they were so worthwhile.

It was exciting, the small shifts. The way conversation got easier, the goodnight she told him before retreating to his room. It was excruciating and maddening to wait for her to let him touch her, show her what he felt. He never had the words for it. He didn't know what else to do but to pursue her.

Once when she shirked from his grasp, he had grabbed her wrist lightly, forcing her to look at him.

"Why won't you let me touch you?" He asked, frustrated. All the softness in her face hardened.

"I do." She snapped her arm back, trying to get rid of him. "Let me go."

"Do I repulse you?" He asked demandingly. Anger encompassed her features.

"Stop it. I'm not a piece of meat for you to fondle," she snapped. "Let me go or I'll make you."

"I know you feel it too."

Her nails dug into his arm. "I don't like to be touched all the time," she growled, her stare intense.

"Why?" He asked, shaking his head. What was wrong with her?

"Because I never have been!"

He stared, then dropped her arm. Suddenly he understood. Of course she hadn't, unless it was for someone to try and hurt her or take her. His pursuit may have even scared her.

"I'm sorry," he said suddenly, but her face didn't change. He was struggling, struggling to find the right words and the ability to say them.

"I wouldn't…" He couldn't do it. "I didn't mean to…I don't know how else to..."

She stared back at him, face hard and impassive. He felt her conflict, her anger and apprehension. He decided to try again.

"I won't push you again," he finally managed, feeling the tips of his ears grow warm with heat. Luckily, they were hidden by his hair. He was wrong, always wrong. Never in control. She looked up at him, searching his eyes. Finally she sighed and grabbed his hand. She wound it around her waist and leaned against him.

He closed his eyes and exhaled deeply, relieved. But after his relief came a wave of frustration. Why did she make him feel this why? Why was he so weak? Why did he care so much?

She moved and pressed her eyes into his arm, as if hiding. A new surge of tenderness overtook his self-hatred, washing it away.

"I don't want to hurt you," he told her. She shrugged and moved away, pulling back.

"Doesn't mean you won't," she replied.

**Rey**

Kylo felt strange when he returned that evening. Rey suspected he was up to something. Sometimes, he'd return with a different attitude after he visited Darth Vader's helmet, but this didn't feel like that. Although she hated to admit it, she was always glad when he returned and she knew he felt it. She missed the company since she was stuck in the same place, day after day. She had been fine living alone on Jakku, but when BB-8 joined her it was unexpectedly nice. She missed that little droid. The sweet beeps and precociousness, the curiosity of the little BB unit. It almost felt like having a pet. Or a friend. BB-8 had always been so loyal and lovable. Caring about him felt safe. Droids like BB-8 never hurt you like people did.

None of this she voiced to Kylo. She knew he'd ask more, wanting info about the map. Luckily he didn't realize that BB-8 only had a portion of the map. But still, she felt lonely. She'd been around people too long. She dreaded sleeping alone again.

Kylo was restless that day, playing around with various parts she had lying out. It was annoying and distracting.

"What do you want?" She finally said. He put down the part as one of his strange little smiles played on his lips.

"We are leaving here. For a base."

She stared for a moment, but then went back to the wires she was fixing. "How exciting, another apartment."

He growled, "A place where you can go outside, like you wanted."

Her eyes met his as his fingers tapped impatiently. "Aren't you afraid I'll run away?" She taunted.

He shook his head slowly. "I'll be with you, so don't expect that chance. I'll only be away when I meet with the Knights of Ren."

A frown and troubled look flitted across her face, but she decided she'd ask her question later.

Slowly, she asked, "You're not lying?" He shook his head.

A smile broke out. He smiled in return and moved around the table. He leaned down and kissed her, and she was so happy that she reached up and wound her arms around his neck. Still, she felt a small stab. How could she be so happy because he granted her a small sliver of freedom? Had her will really been so diminished?

Still, she knew that in his head it was a gift, and she wasn't about to look this horse in the mouth. Perhaps she could convince him to set her free on their little trip.

**Kylo**

It was lucky that they left the next day, because Kylo didn't think he could answer any more questions. What was it like there? Had he been there before? Would she meet the knights? Where could they go? Did he decide or did someone else? Would General Hux accompany them? It was charming at first, but quickly wore on his patience. Still, he was glad she was excited, even if she didn't say so.

The trip wasn't long; it wasn't like they were going to the outer rim. The planet was a lush one that he knew she'd enjoy, and even better, it was heavily paroled by the First Order. Rey'd have a hard time escaping there. She grew more and more fidgety the closer they approached their destination. Because Kylo didn't pilot the small ship, he sat with Rey and watched her with amusement.

"I could have piloted us," She said, shifting in her seat. Kylo scoffed, the sound coming out mechanical from his helmet.

"And have us end up on Akiva? No."

She focused her wide eyes on him for a moment. "I'd like to see the cockpit. I've never been in this kind of ship."

Kylo wavered, suspecting a plot. But he knew she was probably genuinely curious. "Fine. No touching anything."

Her smile was a nice reward.

In the cockpit, she walked around in wonder. She was obviously dying to touch and explore, but Kylo kept a close eye on her. The trooper pilot mostly ignored her. After a while she gazed out at the as the planet neared, it's color a blurred blue-green. A small sigh escaped her lips as if in awe.

"Preparing to land sir," the pilot said.

"Good," he replied before gesturing to Rey. "Let's go strap in." As they began their descent, Rey let Kylo hold her hand.

They landed smoothly, and as they left the ship Rey looked around, almost completely disregarding Kylo. The trees were green and heavy, and parted for a large lake that reflected the blue sky. The colors were almost too saturated, but luckily his view from the helmet did not force its entirety on him. The trees scattered to make way for a large green and yellow field to their left, the grasses clean and glossy in the sun.

"What planet is this?" She asked faintly as he came up to stand near her. Her hazel eyes seemed bigger in her wonder.

"Naboo," he replied. It was his grandmother's planet, and the one his grandparents married on.

She smiled and finally looked up at him. "It's beautiful. Almost like Takodana." Her smile was wide and her face so different in her happiness. Almost like it held a child's innocent joy.

A swift memory of that planet and his taking of Rey flashed in his mind. His lips curled up as he recalled his first impression of her.

"Come on," he said, voice deep. She lingered a moment in the sunshine, then followed him towards the large base.

**Rey**

The apartment they were in was larger than the others. By request, they got one with an extra room for Rey's workroom. It was lovely, and the difference between his quarters and this room were stark. The furniture was not all metal, some crafted from deep ebony wood, which Rey marveled at. Furniture like that had been almost nonexistent on Jakku, which had no natural source of wood. But as she ran her hand over the natural silkiness of the polished wood, she felt her memory flicker, like she had done it before. She could have tried to grab on to the memory and hold on to it, but Rey knew better. All she had were small, tiny scraps of herself from before. If she fought too hard to remember it was harder to recall again.

The darkest color in the room was a dove grey, and there were touches of green and blue in the furnishing. The bed was large and had large posts sticking up from each corner for some reason that she couldn't fathom. The bed cover was grey, but underneath the sheets were a dark green and smoother than any fabric she had ever felt. Although this place was luxurious to her, she didn't revel in it. It was all so unfamiliar that she felt like it was someone else's room.

The best part was the large windows overlooking a lake so calm it looked like glass, and even better—a balcony. A place where she could step outside and feel the sun and the wind. She noted how their place was very high off the ground, but if he thought that could stop her from shimming down from the balcony, he'd thought wrong. Yet as she considered all the ways she could escape, she didn't feel the same as before. Of course, she wanted to, but somehow she felt…content. The thought of this made her stomach turn as she reminded herself that she was a prisoner of the First Order.

Still, the view was beautiful. Dark patches of green trees huddled together until they spread out into a patch of forest from the lake, which was a dark, brown blue. Long, grasses, dotted with tiny yellow flowers, waved in the gentle, warm wind. In the far distance, purple and grey buildings blended into the blue sky. A city.

As she marveled at the view, Kylo came behind her and put his hands on her waist. She jumped at his touch, then shied away. He watched her silently, clearly resisting his irritation.

"It's beautiful," she said awkwardly. Lips softening and curling up hinted that he had wanted her approval.

"I'm glad you like it," he replied. "This is one of my favorite planets."

"Really?" Gods, why did every bit of information from him feel like a gift? Why did it enthuse her? "Have you spent a lot of time here?"

He nodded, eyes on the view. She let her fingers drift over to his arm, brushing against the dark fabric.

"You don't match this place," she noted, a bit slyly. It would be interesting to see him in something other than black.

He saw her contriving and replied, "Don't hold your breath."

She had never asked why he wore so much black, because she suspected that she already knew the answer. It was probably the same reason why he didn't ask about the scars on her body—and she was grateful.

So she instead slid her fingers under his on the balcony edge and did not pull away when he lifted their joined hands to kiss her fingers.

**Kylo**

That night sRey didn't fall asleep right away like she usually did, instead she laid facing him. Letting him stroke her hair, her eyes were startlingly intense as she stared back at him.

"What do you do when you aren't here, in the apartment?" She asked.

This surprised him. He usually got the sense that she tried not to think about what he did.

Cocking an eyebrow at her, he replied, "I supervise plans, deal with personnel. Train."

"Interrogate?"

It would have been a low blow if it wasn't true.

"Yes."

Silence. "Killed anyone?"

His fingers paused. "Not lately."

"Why?"

This time he was the one hesitating. "I haven't had those orders. And I'm not as angry as I was."

She sat up and his hand fell away. Her hair was down, and in the moonlight that reflected off the lake her eyes glimmered. "Do you enjoy killing?"

He sat up as well. "Why are you asking me this?"

Her expression grew sharper. "Because it's wrong. Because someone who slaughters others is…" She didn't finish.

"What?"

"Just answer the question."

He refused, staying quiet.

"Tell me the truth, Kylo." Her voice was raw.

"Yes."

He heard her take a breath and he waited for her to pull away.

"You said ordered…your job is to kill people?"

He ran a hand through his hair. "It's more than that."

"Who?" Her voice was small.

His throat was thick, but he knew she wanted an answer. "I…seek out those who are force-sensitive."

A sharp inhale made his stomach turn.

"Like me?"

He didn't answer.

"You knew I killed," he said, a weak defense.

But she didn't reply, only moving as if to get away. He sat up, rejection thudding in his temples and quickening his heart.

"Rey—"

"Don't," she interrupted. "Give me some space."

She left and went into her workroom, the door closing with a quiet click. Instantly Kylo felt the same desperation he had so many times, building inside into rage. He knew it would only make things worse, but just as always, he couldn't control himself. He grabbed the lamp beside the bed and threw it against the wall, happy to hear it shatter into pieces. His heart felt small and mean. He laid down and tried again to control himself, barely succeeding.

About an hour later Rey returned. She looked at where the lamp pieces were scattered across the floor.

"You're such a child," she said emotionlessly.

He stood up. "Will you let me explain?"

"Don't you dare try and rationalize massacre to me," she snapped, and he recoiled a bit inwardly at her anger.

"I have a hard time controlling myself," he said anyways. "It makes me feel powerful."

In the darkness her arms tightened around herself. "You're disgusting. You've killed children, women, men, just for being force-sensitive?"

He grabbed his hair and groaned. "How do I make you understand?"

She flung her arms out, exasperated. "You can't!"

"It's orders. And things are different now," he argued, head snapping up. "With you here I don't feel the need. I have better control in those situations."

She barked a laugh. "Congratulations on not killing anyone recently, Kylo. What an achievement. I'm sure that makes your master very proud."

"You know nothing about this."

"Then tell me."

"I can't."

Her voice dropped, quiet and low. "You don't trust me."

They stared at each other. "You don't trust me," he replied.

"Which is why this is crazy," she said quietly, and he could have sworn his heart stopped.

But he didn't know how to convince her otherwise.

"It could have been me," she said quietly, and his heart dropped. She was right.

"Yes," he admitted.

He heard the tears in her voice. "You were on Jakku, weren't you? You murdered that village to the east."

He swallowed hard. "Yes."

"If I had known, if I had been able to use the Force…you would have found me," she paused. "Killed me."

How he wanted to comfort her, but he had no words that could. "I'm sorry."

She shook her head. "It's not enough."

**Rey**

They slept apart, and didn't say anything to each other before Kylo left the next morning. Rey, alone again, began to feel as she did before. This was practically the same as it had been on the ship.

After an hour though, she heard a small click. But the sound of Kylo's boots was absent. Curious but cautious, she walked from her workshop down into the bedroom, where a small blue and green droid was making the bed. It rolled on two wheels, had a smooth cylindrical body, and a swiveling head.

Seeing her, it beeped politely and then went on with its task. But Rey was relieved and eager to converse.

"Hello," she said. "Did you come through the door?"

It beeped back at her, but continued its task as if it didn't expect an answer. _"Through the small door."_

Rey suddenly realized that the small panel near the floor was a door. "Oh! I didn't realize that was there." A flash of the little droid she had interacted with before flashed before her mind, and her excitement dropped. Kylo the monster had destroyed it.

It paused. _"Do you understand binary?"_

She knelt down next to it. "Yes, I have for a long time. I suppose you don't come across many humans that do."

_"No, I don't. How interesting."_

"What's your name?"

_"CT-21. What is yours?"_

"Rey."

_"Are you living here now? I have not seen you before."_

Rey frowned. "I don't know. Maybe. I'm not really the one who decides."

 _"Oh my."_ CT-21 swiveled her head. _"Are you a prisoner?"_

Rey looked away. "Kind of. It's a long story." CT made a low sound of sympathy.

Rey smiled. "You remind me of another droid I know, BB-8."

_"A BB unit? We are very different. I have never been on a ship, except to come here."_

"No, I mean to talk to. BB-8 was my friend."

CT's head tilted, as if she didn't understand. Rey sighed. "I guess, living here, you've never had a human friend."

CT shook her head and rolled back on her wheels.

Rey tucked her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. "Will you be in trouble if you stay and talk to me?"

_"No. I deactivate after this line of rooms, and there are no other visitors today."_

"Then will you tell me about your days here? I want to know what it's like to be a droid."

That's how Kylo found her an hour later, tucked beside the bleeping droid, who's story ended abruptly when he entered.

"Rey? What are you doing?"

_"Oh dear! Kylo Ren! I must go, I apologize."_

CT sped out of the room, the little door whipping open when it detected her sensor chip.

Rey glared at him. "She's afraid of you."

Kylo's look of confusion irritated her.

"Will you destroy her like you did the other?"

His face wiped clear and he frowned. "No. Were you talking to it?"

Rey stood. "It's a her. She has a name. And she is the first conversation I've had in a long time that wasn't with you."

Kylo shook his head in disbelief. "What could a droid say that could possibly interest you?"

Rey's eyes snapped in the light. "More than you know. Haven't you ever imagined you were a droid? They have opinions and personalities just like we do."

Kylo gazed at Rey for a long moment. "No, I haven't."

She shrugged and made to leave the room to go to her workshop.

"Wait. Wouldn't you like to go for a walk?"

She cocked an eyebrow. "Outside?"

"Yes." He ran a hand through his hair, and she was somehow reminded of a nervous teenage boy asking a girl to go for a drink. It amused her.

"Fine."

Rey's thoughts cleared as soon as they stepped outside. The air was heavier than Rey ever had felt, and somehow fragrant. She was caught again by the green that she saw, just like before. There were more trees than she ever imagined, yet it was so familiar, just like in her dreams. The grass and leaves shone like they had been washed clean by the morning dew.

Kylo let her go ahead of him, and she touched the smooth, vibrant leaves as he directed her towards a path. It was all so perfect and ethereal, if not for the sound of Kylo's breathing through his mask.

"Could you take that off?" She asked.

After a moment of his glassy stare, he removed his mask and tucked it under his arm. His dark hair fell out around his head. For a moment her heartrate increased and she only focused on him. But her eye caught the shine of his helmet, and she turned away.

They walked side by side down a worn path that became less so as they went deeper into the forest. Rey made him stop so she could run her hands through a stream, letting little fishes nibble on her fingers. She heard but didn't see many birds, but the ones she saw were small and dainty, not like the large buzzards on Jakku. Kylo said little, just watched her as always. But his eyes were calm and his movements careful.

She could have trekked for hours, but Kylo made her stop after a while. "We shouldn't get lost." When she made a face, a faint smile appeared on his face. "There's the walk back as well."

She stuck her chin out and frowned. "Let's stay here for a while."

"Fine."

They sat on a few rocks, and she laid back, watching the small patches of sky appear and disappear through the leaves.

"Rey."

She rolled her head over to look at him, but he wasn't looking at her.

"I'm fearful of inadequacy. Just as you told me. I want to be powerful. I want to carry my grandfather's legacy and surpass it. But I have no control. I am drawn to the dark side, but I can't control myself to hone my power." His eyes closed. "My emotions rule me. I only enjoy the kills because it makes me feel as powerful as I want to be. As powerful as I would be if I could master my emotions like my grandfather. Even like Luke."

She didn't know what to say. She felt even more conflicted than before. His words revealed the darkness within him, but it didn't repulse her like it should have.

"I'd like to say I wouldn't have killed you. But I know that I…I would have. And I have killed many others. But…" he seemed at a loss. "It is the way to peace throughout the galaxy. It is the Jedi who rose to take over in the first place."

He seemed to be ready to argue with her, but she wouldn't do that again. As much as she liked the passionate, caring man she so often saw, she knew that his mind was twisted. She had seen it, she had felt it. She suspected he was being manipulated, but it ran too deep for her to do anything about it. She couldn't change that or make him see any differently.

"You weren't born like this," she said. But he shook his head.

"I've always been torn apart like this."

"You're drawn to the light."

Silence.

"You are torn between them?" He still didn't reply. "You can't immerse yourself in one. That's why you can't control your emotions."

_There's good in him._

"No." His face was severe. "I have too many attachments. Like Vader, once they are gone, I will have no need for the feelings that control me."

"Then why have you been less angry? Why did you say that?" She sat up and looked closer at him. "You'd just kill your family? Anyone you cared about? For power?"

"You're…an exception."

She shook her head.

"Rey," he said. "I need you."

She nodded. He did. He was torn, and there was still hope for him. He thought that these extreme displays of cruelty drew him closer to the dark side, but it only made him more conflicted. She couldn't change him, but she could help him. She could help him see the light. And she could feel the way she felt without hating herself for it.

"Not for the reason you think," she replied. She turned her clear, hazel eyes to meet his dark ones. "There's good in you, Kylo. I know it."

She expected him to scoff or become angry, but he didn't. He didn't say a word.

**Kylo**

She hadn't run away. She thought she could bring him to the light, but she didn't understand. Still, it gave him the chance to keep her, and to fulfill his master's order.

Rey stood and looked down on him until he stood with her. When he leaned down to kiss her, she didn't shy away.

Adrenaline rushed through his body, following the chill of relief. She let him pull her close and their kiss deepened. Her hands cupped his cheeks, traced his jaw. Only when they parted for breath did his thoughts return.

They stayed close, eyes locked until she placed her head on his shoulder and sighed. For a moment, he wrapped his arms around her and kept her as close as he could. She was so much smaller than he thought. She was always a statue of strength and defiance, but in his arms she was his and protected. If she knew what he was thinking, she'd hate it. He knew she was more than able to protect herself. But he could fantasize all he wanted.

**Rey**

Days passed with ease. Kylo was never away for long and when he was, Rey chatted with CT-21. Kylo took her wherever she felt like, and one day while they were strolling by the lake she remarked that she had never swam before.

"Never?" He asked. When she nodded, a mischievous smile appeared. He had her dress in a cream top that had no straps and flowed down to her stomach. Black shorts as well, but she wore this outfit under her clothes, not wanting anyone to see her dressed so. Kylo seemed to approve of this, which she bristled at. She didn't like how possessive he was.

He led her to a secluded, shallow area of the lakeside and stripped off his cloak.

When she stood there, awkward and wary, he gestured to her.

"We're going swimming."

After he removed his shirt and she her outward layers, they waded in. It wasn't too cold, but she shivered at the foreign feeling of being surrounded by water. Still, it was like nothing she had ever experienced before.

"It's terrific. It's marvelous," she told him.

He took her hand to lead her in deeper but she tugged it away.

"I can do it. I saw a rat do it once in a pail." Grinning at his expression, she pushed herself forward and began to paddle and kick just as she had seen.

Swimming up to her with ease, he remarked, "You're a natural. Are you sure you didn't practice in the sand?"

She smiled and tried to practice floating on her back. "I'm sure. But I imagined it millions of times."

His hands appeared to help lift her up onto her back. She stared at the turquoise sky.

"I thought it'd feel like sinking in the sand, like I was heavy. But it's not. It's like I'm lighter. That's why we can float, right?"

He removed his hands and smiled at her. "I suppose."

She turned her head and let herself bob back up to vertical. She swam towards him but passed him by, and before he could turn around she had latched himself to his back.

He laughed, a rare sound, and she pressed a kiss to his shoulder. His long, strong arms pulled them further into the water and she began to hum.

"What is that?" He asked.

"A song I know from somewhere. I've known it since I was little. I used to sing it to my doll."

"Your doll?"

"I made it. From a flight suit."

Kylo didn't reply, so Rey rested her head on him, remembering. She wished she still had it. Surely it was sitting back in her pod, waiting for her. The only thing that ever did on Jakku.

"I had a Mooka when I was small," Kylo remarked. Rey cocked her head, not understanding. "They are small, furry. Large ears and clawed feet. From Yavin."

"A pet?"

He nodded. "It slept on my bed. But it was killed shortly after I was sent away to train. My parents didn't watch him."

"I'm sorry." She clutched him a little closer.

He didn't reply for a while and swam in silence for a while.

"Let's go underwater," Kylo suddenly said.

Rey slid off his back and reached for the mud with her toes. "Water will go up my nose."

He smiled at her ignorance. "Stop breathing and open your eyes only after you're underwater."

She took a deep breath and nodded. Grabbing his hand, she ducked underwater.

He was right, she didn't choke on the water. Once she was sure she was under, she opened her eyes and almost laughed.

Kylo was just across from her, staring right back. She tried looking around, but the water blurred into green after a few meters. She glanced back at Kylo, and a smile broke out across her face. She was completely surrounded by water!

He smiled too, his dark hair floating around his face like a dark halo. She pushed herself forward and latched onto him, and he brought them both up, gasping.

"That was insane!" She gasped, completely thrilled. Kylo pushed his wet hair back and laughed before leaning down to kiss her. After they parted she began to say something, but was interrupted.

"Wait," Kylo said, his face turning serious. She let go of him and saw the concentration on his face.

"We have to go back now," he said, eyes absent of emotion. "I'm needed."

Rey nodded but still watched him carefully. So quickly did he turn right back to the darkness.

After putting the rest of their clothes back on, Kylo shoved his helmet back on over his wet hair and led them back to the base. He didn't say goodbye, only dropped her off at the apartment, completely focused on whatever he sensed.

When she arrived CT-21 was gathering dirt from the corner. She beeped happily when Rey entered, but tilted her head searchingly to see if Kylo was with her. CT never stayed if Kylo was there.

 _"You're wet,"_ she noted. Rey smiled half-heartedly.

"I went swimming."

CT made an alarmed sound. _"How terrible!"_

Rey laughed at that and went to the closet to change.

"Maybe for you. I don't have compartments for water to get stuck in."

CT sped over to Rey to dust the inside of the closet.

_"I wouldn't like it. Were you alone?"_

Rey turned away and pulled on a new shirt. "I'm never alone."

CT beeped sympathetically. _"But what about here?"_

Rey shook her head. "I can't leave this room alone. The door locks."

The droid made a meaningless sound of understand, but said nothing else.

Rey knelt down and rubbed a spot off CT's top. "Would you tell me something?"

CT turned her glass eyes to the woman. _"What thing?"_

"Why are you so afraid of Kylo?"

CT backed up and her noises were low. _"Don't bother yourself with the qualms of droids."_

"Tell me."

A pause, but then CT replied, _"He has been here many times. We all have heard tales of his anger. He has destroyed more than a few droids. I fear for myself, and for you. Are you safe here?"_

Rey nodded slowly, heart sinking. "I'm sorry. I wouldn't ever let him hurt you." She placed a reassuring hand on her friend. "I can protect myself, and he…he won't hurt me."

The droid said nothing but focused her lens on Rey.

Rey pressed her lips together. "Could you do me a favor?"

_"If I can."_

"Would you tell me if you see anything like that? If he hurts someone, even a droid?"

_"I don't see him outside of here. But I will ask others. You won't tell him, will you?"_

She shook her head. "Of course not."

_"Thank you. Be careful, Rey."_

Having finished her task, the droid sped out through her little door. Rey finished changing and flopped down on the bed, thinking. She could see in her mind Kylo destroying the little droid she had spoken to after she was captured. She remembered the glint in his eye as he had controlled her. Shivering, she buried her face into the pillow. How could she care about such a ruthless creature?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Darlings, you are the best. The comments, kudos, follows! SUCH motivation. Thank you!! Long chapter for y'all for being so awesome. I know Kylo has been a bit of a dick, but honestly, could you expect anything less? I hope to keep their original characteristics prevalent, but even I get caught up in it all sometimes!


	7. Chapter 7

**Kylo**

That night, Kylo couldn't sleep, too distracted by his thoughts. The rebels had attacked a base not too far, planet wise. Were they looking for Rey? Snoke had been irritated at their actions and had given him his next order.

Starkiller. They didn't have more than a few days left on Naboo.

He dreaded telling her. He could see how even here, her thoughts were often with others. She wanted her freedom. She wanted to be with that traitor. And Han Solo. But Kylo wanted her with him so badly. No matter what, he had to keep her with him.

He thought Rey had fallen asleep, but she shifted on his arm and turned her back to him as if restless. Suddenly drawn out of his thoughts, he admired the curve of her cheek and prominent cheekbones. Her skin, although lighter than his, was still tan from Jakku's sun. At night, she usually wore loose pants, wide at the bottom and stopping at the knee, and a simple undershirt. He'd touched the bare skin of her back a few times, and it had been thrilling until she had pulled away.

He knew that letting him sleep with her was a gesture on her part, and knew better than to push it. She didn't like surprises like that. Her first instinct was always to pull away.

But now he was gutted and empty, and even with her right beside him he felt desolate. Something inside him whispered that he didn't have much longer with her-she wasn't free, and that made her unhappy. If he could have, he would have reached out to her, tried to ask or explain. But he didn't know what to say without sounding brusque. He didn't like their little quarrels; they were opposites in so many ways. Occasionally he caught her looking at him, bemused as if she couldn't figure out why she was attracted to him.

Slowly he turned towards her and slipped his arm around her. She seemed to expect it and didn't move. But when he tried curling their fingers together she sat up.

"What are you doing?"

He blinked. "Holding your hand."

Her face contorted and he almost laughed.

"I don't like to hold hands," she said sternly. He did laugh then, but it was a little hollow.

"Alright."

She nodded once then laid back down. After a moment he asked, curious, "You'll kiss me, but you won't hold hands?"

She rolled over to look at him with a guarded expression. "It's strange. Too…sentimental." She paused. "Are you offended?"

"No," he replied. "I just-I felt-" He couldn't answer, the dark feeling overcoming him again.

She seemed to focus and he felt a press of the force against his mind. It was somehow gentle, and he knew she was trying to understand his feelings, so he didn't stop her.

When her face cleared with understanding her eyes were gentle. She sighed and pulled herself close to him.

"Will you tell me what's wrong?"

His answer was curt. "No."

Another sigh. For an apology, he stroked her cheek. He knew how she'd react if he told her. It was deceitful, but he wouldn't risk losing her.

Her hand pressed on his bare chest and she lifted herself up to kiss him. He was surprised at her move, and quickly rose to meet her gesture and deepen their kiss. Once sitting, he tried to pull her close and to his surprise she moved to his lap and ran a hand through his hair. Excitement rose in him; the only other time he felt this way was when he took out his anger on others. Almost a relief.

Daring now, he slipped his hand underneath her shirt to touch her bare back. Her skin was soft and warm, and he was able to caress the span of her lower back freely. She tugged his long hair and pursued his lips fervently. Thoughts gone, he let him sink into sensation.

Minutes passed slowly but passionately with Kylo only minimally trying to suppress his actions. But in a moment of catching their breaths, she moved her lips breathlessly to his neck. Within seconds, he was on top of her, lost. Completely lost, his own lips pursued the wide arc of her own neck as he ground against her. Only when she gasped his name did he pause.

"Stop!" She panted, grabbing his arms hard. He looked down at her with a flash of irritation, but when he saw the urgency in her eyes it fell away and he pulled back.

She crossed her arms and clutched her own forearms as if hugging herself after she sat up. He ran a hand through his hair, stunned. He must have gone too far.

She breathed a long breath out and then let go of herself to tuck the loose tendrils of her hair behind her ears.

"I'm sorry?" He said, the words coming out as more of a question than he meant. The intensity of her eyes worried him.

"It's fine. I just-" She paused. "I don't want that. Right now."

"Alright," he replied. Right now? Did that mean later? She was so hard to read.

She laid back down and tugged him down with her to his relief, tucking his arm beneath her head.

"Have you ever…?" Her voice was unsure. For a moment, he didn't know what she was talking about, but then, embarrassingly, he got it. They hadn't spoken about this before, not really.

"Yes," he replied. When she didn't reply, he grew concerned. "Have you?"

"No," she answered. Kylo remembered a careless teenage tryst in which he had first had sex. The girl hadn't interested him; he did then and still thought of her as only a toy.

"What are you thinking?" He asked, knowing better than to try and read her mind.

"I just never considered it. I knew it would happen, sometime, when I found someone, but I thought…"

"What?"

"I thought it'd be another scavenger, on Jakku. Someone…different."

Someone not like him, she meant. Bitterly he ground his teeth and thought of this imaginary man. He'd be boring and simple and…nice.

Unlike him.

Rey pushed him lightly and he snapped out of his thoughts. "Stop, Kylo."

"What?" Kylo growled.

"You're wrong, and it's really silly. I can tell how you feel."

Kylo went over her words a few times and looked over at her. She gazed up at him with those damn eyes of hers, and he leaned over and kissed her softly.

"Just go to sleep." She said, and placed her head on his chest. He tried not to think about their conversation, but ended up analyzing it in his mind over and over.

**Rey**

Her heart was lighter in those days. She breathed easier. It was easier to lose herself in her life here, not constantly penned in or reminded that she was a prisoner. Kylo didn't treat her like one. Well, not anymore.

They felt like a pair. A couple. He held her at night and fixed her whatever she desired to eat. Together, alone, was almost always good. Only when they were around others did she feel unease. The sound of his robotic voice, filtered through the mask, making her skin crawl. They weren't the same person, it seemed. He wouldn't outwardly harm anyone in front of her, but she wasn't so vapid to think it's didn't happen. It kept her awake at night. CT-21 hadn't reported anything to her yet, but she knew that his dark side was alive and active.

Still, it was so easy to forget sometimes, to lose herself in the happiness she felt, being able to explore the new place and be with Kylo.

She awoke one night to a strange sound, like a drum. On alert, she had tensed and searched for the sound, which seemed to come from everywhere.

Kylo almost immediately seemed to sense her absence and struggled to sit up.

"What is it?"

She looked at him, hand fisted in the blanket. "You don't hear it?"

He listened and then gave a small chuckle. "It's just the rain, Rey."

She hadn't thought of that. She knew of rain, had heard of it and was quite aware how it worked. But it didn't rain on Jakku, so this was the first time she had ever experienced it.

A crack of thunder made her jump, and his hand rubbed her back soothingly.

"Come, go back to sleep," he said, laying down beside her. But she hesitated.

"Hold on."

She crept out of bed to the window, but not much could be seen. It was too dark. Frustrated, she rested her head against the glass. Caged again.

**Kylo**

He couldn't see her very well, but what he could see was her lithe form leaning against the glass, her hair loose and waved down her shoulders to her back. She was like a white spot in the dark with her pale sleeveless shirt and light pants. He got up, intending to coax her back to bed, but she caught the reflected expression on her face—disappointment.

Rey, just like a butterfly in a glass jar.

He kissed her bare shoulder and murmured, "Come on. Let's go outside."

She turned, eyes wide with disbelief. "What?"

He leaned closer. "Let's go outside. So you can see the rain."

Her face bloomed; a wide smile lighting her up in the dark. Automatically, he gave her a rare smile back.

Without thinking, he took her hand. He pulled her to the door and opened the door with his fingerprint. He checked outside for troopers and felt ridiculous—he was sneaking out of his own base. Still, he didn't need any questions.

When they reached the outside, there were too many troopers to ignore, so he merely waved his hand and focused the use of the force on their minds. Hand in hand they ran from the light of the base into the darkness, into the rain. He heard a small, breathless laugh from her as the rain hit her face. They continued until they were far enough, but not so much that they couldn't see each other. She let go of his hand and held her arms out, the biggest smile on her face. She spun slowly, her face upturned to feel the water on her face.

Kylo stood, arms limp at his sides as he watched her, something strange and tight in his chest. She was so exquisitely beautiful. Her clothes were turned dark and heavy by the rain, only emphasizing her agile form and making her skin glow. He didn't hunger for her, he yearned for her. He didn't know what he wanted. He just wanted her, to be a part of everything she was. A piece of pure light, harnessed by her mortal body. How could she feel anything for him? How could she ever understand him?

"Kylo!"

He focused on her again instead of his thoughts. She was beaming at him, beckoning him closer as the faint light coming through the slivers of the trees cast shadows on her skin, turning her into an image of dark and light. Calling him in. Into her light.

He came closer and she laughed.

"Look at it!" She cried. "So much water!"

He cracked a smile at her as she beamed at him. She twirled around slowly again, drifting a bit back from him. "I'm so glad I could see this," she said. "I never could have dreamed this."

"I'm happy you can. I'm happy to see it first," he replied.

She looked at him and then ran to him, only stopping short to throw her arms around his neck and kiss him, deeply. Her lips and tongue were wet and her clothes a mere second skin when soaked, allowing him to feel the curves of her body. As his hand ran down the length of her back, she suddenly jumped up, wrapping her legs around his hips. Her legs were strong enough to hold herself up, but he held her close and secure so she wouldn't fall.

Their wet hair clung to each other's chilled cheeks as they pressed their lips together again and again, diving deeper each time. She was pressed against him, in his arms, and did not want to let her go. His possessiveness grew as his mind traveled fast with his desire, imaging taking her, right here in the rain.

"Kylo…" She murmured, and it snapped him out of the darkness that tried to fasten itself to this moment. She pressed kisses to his jaw, but he felt her body shaking, and it wasn't with desire. She was cold, not clad well or used to the cold.

"Let's go inside," he told her, but she frowned at him and shook her head.

"No, I want to stay."

He frowned right back, not wanting to force her like she was a prisoner. "You're cold."

She scoffed. "I'm fine."

He rolled his eyes and pushed her wet hair back from her neck so he could kiss it.

"I don't want you to be cold," he murmured against her neck, and she shivered—this time not from the cold.

"Mmm…" She said, obviously thinking. She searched his eyes and then appeared to come to some conclusion.

"Alright," she said, too willing to be convincing. But he said nothing, not wanting to ruin what they had.

She pushed off him and took off running, which made him smile. She was always surprising him. He caught up to her easily, for his legs were longer, and scooped her up from behind.

She barked out a breathless laugh before he kissed her, but it only lasted a few moments before she swatted him away and scrambled down. "Stop fooling around. We have to sneak back in."

Kylo didn't want to focus. He wanted to just stare at her, smiling in the rain. But he still nodded, and was surprised when she slipped her hand into his. He looked at her incredulously, but she merely shrugged. Perhaps if she wasn't ice cold, she would be blushing.

She tugged him forward, and he waved his hands again, slipping back into the hall. They trailed water in, but when he looked back he saw she had already dispersed it with the force so it wasn't a trail. They reached his rooms quickly, she first and he second. As soon as the door clothes, he had her back in his arms again, picking her up so that her legs wrapped around him as before. They kissed and kissed until she began tugging off his sodden shirt.

"You want it off?" He asked, trying not to sound surprised. She nodded, and this time he clearly saw the pink in her cheeks.

"Wet clothes aren't good," she said, the small furrow of her brow doing nothing to hide her feelings. He set her down on her feet, staring directly at her before stripping off the black shirt and flinging it onto the floor. She came close and placed her palms on his slick, firm chest and kissed it. But he stopped, suddenly concerned.

"You should change," He said. "If you're cold-"

"No."

He tilted his head at her in confusion until she moved to take off her own shirt. He watched, engrossed, as she removed it and then the bindings she wore around her breasts. When he saw her perfect, round breasts for the first time, he inhaled sharply, trying to control himself. She looked at him and he stared right back until she began unbuttoning her pants.

"Rey," he said, catching her wrist. "Don't."

She glared at him, tugging her wrist away. "I want to."

He was silent for a moment but then nodded. He watched as her slim legs emerged, and tried not to stare at her almost bare body. Still, he was surprised again when she reached for him, removing his pants as well. He could have brushed her away and done it faster, but he was too captivated by her. When both were equally bare, he reached for her and kissed her, running his hand down the sides of her stomach and hips. He could feel himself hardening despite the control he had learned to exhibit.

It was too much. He felt a pain in his chest, tightening, and his head thrummed with a mixture of thoughts. The darkness beckoned, and he tried to convince himself that this desire did not make him weak. No…not desire…adoration, perhaps. Worship of her perfect body, perfect smile, perfect light. He fought against it, but kept being pulled away by what she was doing, where she was touching.

Suddenly he became aware of her fingers on his underwear band, slipping down. He broke their kiss and realized where she seemed to be going and grabbed her hands.

"No."

She looked at him, confused. "Why?"

He shook his head. "You don't want this."

A small frown appeared. "Yes, I do. Don't tell me what I want."

She didn't understand. Frustration built in his chest and the thoughts were loud. _Would you taint her so? Trap her here? Will you show that you are as weak as your father, succumbing to desire and attachment? You know this is different than before; she is different. You want her, not her body. You have compassion for her. You are weak._

"Don't you…want this?" She asked, and he glanced at her, able to discern himself from the darkness for a moment.

"Don't be stupid," he retorted.

Her face creased into anger. "Blast it, Kylo. Why do you have to be such an asshole?"

He shook his head, silent. She waited, then touched his arm, her slim fingers resting on his skin. After a moment, they slipped to his chest.

"Don't do this, Rey," Kylo warned, turning away from her in order to remove himself from the intoxicating touch of her, but she took a hold of his arm.

"Stop shutting me out," She argued. "I know you feel it."

"These feelings…they hurt," he admitted quietly, eyes averted. "I can't stand it. I'm...afraid."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey lovelies! You all are amazing, and I bet you see where this is going... ;) however, no fluff is without angst here, so BE PREPARED!


	8. Chapter 8

**Rey**

Why was he being this way? She had seen how he looked at her when they woke up in the morning, the way he brushed his fingers across her cheeks and was gentle. He had changed somehow; even CT had noticed his lack of violence outside of her presence. She wanted him. She cared about him. He felt the same, she had sensed it.

She looked up at him intensely. "Then let them out, stop denying it. You know you care."

He didn't respond, and she gripped his arm tighter. "Don't you? Stop fighting it for once."

"I could say the same to you."

She grimaced, trying to quell her anger. Yes, she had been afraid. But she had never experienced this before, not in any sense. At first, even his touch was foreign. And he had hurt her, made a part of her fear him. Yes, it was different now, but was she supposed to be able to forget?

"That's not fair, Kylo."

She saw his lips press together. Finally, he said, "I'm sorry."

She squeezed his arm, gently this time. "Show me that you care. Let me show you that I do."

He did not turn towards her, and after a moment of silence her heart sunk. She let her arm fall away, but he caught it before it could even hit her side. She turned back to him, and his lips were on hers in a moment. He had decided.

She grabbed onto him, letting their bodies be close, and his arm snaked around her waist. His lips pressed against hers so fervently, even more so than before. It was not so much as a clashing as a strong give and take, back and forth like the waves of an ocean Rey saw in her dreams. Yet what really startled her was the hand he brought up to cup her cheek-it was such a gentle gesture. They parted for breath and she looked up into his eyes.

"Kylo…" She whispered. He pressed his lips to hers again, and she reached up to run a hand through his hair. He pulled away from her ever so slightly, turning away again.

"Rey…I don't want you to wake up and regret this. I'm afraid I'll...hurt you." He whispered. Confused, she reached out to his mind, and after initial hesitation, he let her in, just a bit.

_He had such little control over himself when he was overcome with emotion. What if she changed her mind midway, but he wouldn't stop? What if he was too rough, too demanding? It could not be that way, not for her. He'd rather never be with her than to hurt her like that and ruin what they had._

She felt calmer, seeing that, feeling how much he cared. He was on the edge, trying to control his emotions, like she had always wanted from him. For her.

"You won't. I want…you. I know we will be fine."

He stared her down, eyes narrowed and jaw tight. His hand lifted and touched her hair. Their eyes locked and she reached out and took his hand, pulling him to the bed. He sat, and she stood before him before she slowly lowered her underwear, kicking them away.

An unfamiliar expression bloomed on his face and made her feel warm. Her stomach fluttered and a strange hunger gnawed at her as she watched his dark eyes take her in.

Not wanting all the focus on her any longer, she moved closer and touched the band of his underwear again with trembling hands, glancing up at him to see if it was alright. She hoped he didn't see how scared she was. But his eyes were peaceful, and he helped her remove them from his body.

Rey stared at his naked body, trying not focus on his tall, erect member. But he was beautiful, hard and lean, a smattering of black hair trailing down from his stomach to his groin. His thighs and arms were strong, his stomach muscled. She drank the image of him in, the excitement and longing heady. After a moment, he reached for her and she straddled him, trying not to hesitate or let embarrassment take over. He stared into her eyes, boring into her, and reached again to touch her loose, damp hair. She cocked an eyebrow at him and he leaned down to kiss her.

It was different than before, more careful. He pressed hot kisses to her throat, slowly. She closed her eyes and tried to just hold onto him to settle her nerves. Different parts of her brain screamed fear, fear from the vulnerability and unfamiliarity. But it was him, it was _just him._ The man who looked at her like he was revered by her, who quelled her fears in the dark of the night. There was something about his gaze that made her feel special, or perhaps it was merely the fact that she was the only one he seemed to care about in the galaxy. And how, strangely, despite the fact that she had been protecting herself since she was small, it was in his arms that she felt the most safe.

They parted and she smiled at him. "I never thought someone could make me feel the way you do," she murmured. He gave a small smile before leaning forward to capture her lips again, but this time with ferocity. His hands threaded through her hair, keeping her close to him. She placed her hands on his chest, but after a moment Kylo broke away from her, leaving her wanting.

Surprised, she looked up at Kylo and frowned, but her expression changed to shock when he grabbed her firmly and held her as he flipped them on the bed so that he hovered above her. His face was calm but his eyes hungry. She expected that she probably looked even less composed. For a moment, she was worried. The position made her edgy, but it was slowly easing away as he kissed her jaw.

"I never expected that a little scavenger from Jakku would make me want her like this," he murmured against her skin, and Rey rolled her eyes.

"You're a fool, Kylo," she told him sternly, but she didn't mean it. He leaned back to gaze at her, but he wasn't staring at her eyes. She somehow felt even more naked when he looked at her like that. She ached for him, her core tightening just from watching him. She wanted. It was almost primal, how she much she craved him. She had never done this, but somehow she knew that it would be the one thing that would satisfy the ache.

"Don't stare," she chided, distracting him with a kiss and lifting her legs to wrap around his hips. He chuckled into their embrace.

"Am I not allowed to look at my prize?"

Her heels dug into his back and she glared. "Shut up." Her hands twisted in his hair, pulling. "I'm no one's prize."

His lips pressed to her throat. "Whatever you wish," he murmured.

She wished he wasn't so stupid and cocky. She wished he wasn't a member of the First Order. She wished they weren't here, in this stupid base. She wanted more than this for them. She wanted everything for them. She didn't want this to be their lives, on opposite sides. They could never truly be together that way, and she feared for the future. Deep, deep inside, she feared that if they parted he would disregard her, that his feelings would change. She had felt them before, and now, but how would she know in the future?

As she felt impatience from Kylo's lips on her, Finn and Han's faces flashed across her mind. Troubled, she swallowed hard. Was she betraying them? Even though she hadn't told Kylo anything? Was giving herself and her...affection for him a betrayal?

"Promise me something," she said.

"What?" he replied, voice muffled.

She clung to him, wanting to dispel her anxiety. "Promise me you'll let me go. Not today or even tomorrow, but that you will. Soon."

He bent back to look at her, his dark eyes cold. "Is that all this is, then?"

Her nails dug into his flesh and she snapped, "You should know it's not. But I don'[t want to be your captive. And I don't want _this_...to be...tainted...by that. I need to know that this isn't your way of trying to get me to stay. That you understand where I stand."

A bitter reply obviously was on the tip of his tongue by the look in his eyes, but he took a deep breath and replied, "I promise. This has nothing to do with… _that._ "

She nodded and pressed her forehead against his. "I'm glad it doesn't," she replied.

He thawed and kissed her cheek gently, his warm breath mingling. "Just you and me, then."

She liked that. "Just you and me," she echoed.

They kissed again, but Rey's mind was flying by now. Dark vs light, betrayal, fear. What had Han said? Fear made you weak? Now, thinking about this, she did feel fear again. Something inside screamed; _Don't leave me! Don't hate me!_

"Stop." Kylo's voice snapped her out of her thoughts, and her eyes opened to stare back at him. Her lips parted, but she didn't speak.

"Stop thinking." He continued. "Why are you afraid?"

Rey licked her lips for a moment before speaking. "I feel like I'm betraying something. I hate that I feel…scared. It felt right, and then…" Her eyes trailed away.

Kylo stroked her cheek and ducked to look into her eyes. "Then what?'

"Then I began to think about this. How…we are so different, down to the core. No future, no nothing. We aren't even on the same side. Why are we doing this? Isn't this crazy?"

"Rey," he said, his voice deep. "I'm betraying something too. I can't mingle with the light, and I especially shouldn't promise you that this has nothing to do with Snoke or the rebellion. But I am. We are doing this because we want to, and because…we know it won't change each other. Why not be as close as we can to each other when we are so distant on everything else?"

Stupid theoretical talk. It felt so stupid. All her life, Rey dealt with harsh realities and facts. You couldn't stay home and cry because you were sad, because then you wouldn't eat. Doing the opposite of what made sense was well, senseless. This, this _feeling_ between her and Kylo made no sense. Her family, her home, all of it meant so little when she was lost within the emotion Kylo evoked. She would hate it, distrust it, if she hadn't felt the same thing in him.

"Don't you ever follow your feelings, Rey?"

She didn't too often. Jumping on the _Falcon_ with Finn was one of the first times, and she still had wanted to return to Jakku. And Rey was nothing like Kylo, who only did follow his feelings. They were such opposites. It made this so strange.

When she didn't reply, he stroked her cheek. "Do you want to stop?"

Startled, she shook her head. Her face grew warm as she said, "No. I want…you."

He smiled wide, uncharacteristically, and moved down to her breasts, touching and kissing them, palming the mounds lovingly. It was strange to feel someone touch her there, even stranger that she liked it. His hands skimmed the sides of her, causing delightful tremors to course through her. She wriggled at his ministrations and felt that longing grow. She was wet between her legs, her core pulsing. Yet it was not all carnal...she felt tenderness from him, that he was happy to be able to give her this. To make her feel good. He was giving her more than affection...something she didn't dare to want to think about.

"Good?" He asked, eyes flashing to hers and she nodded. Too good. Wonderful.

"Let me touch you," she asked, taking a breath. How desperately she wanted to make him feel the way he did her, to have him feel warmth all through him from the intimacy. He moved up so they were level and guided her hand down to wrap around his hot flesh. He was so hard that it almost startled her, and as she moved her hand up and down she felt him throb in her hand, like a beating heart. She swallowed and glanced at him only to find him staring at her hungrily, his face completely exposing his yearning. His hands gripped her back and moved down to her ass, squeezing. Rey moved her hand a little faster in her own excitement, the skin like silk over steel, enjoying his expressions and the loud breaths he took.

He however, didn't seem to like to show her how much he enjoyed it. He leaned forward to kiss her deeply, and as she felt his muscles tighten he pushed her hand away.

She looked up, eyes wide with confusion.

"Not yet," he told her. She bit her lip and nodded, and he kissed her softly a few times.

"Rey..." he breathed. "Please...may I touch you?" He asked. She hesitated, trying to see if she was afraid. But still, she nodded.

His long fingers found her immediately, but he went slow with touching her. He parted her folds gently, rubbing softly. She turned her head and pressed her lips together, unwilling to voice the pleasure she felt. If he could hide it, so could she. He kissed her neck though and found her opening. Teasing her, he did no more than touch until she squirmed.

He chuckled darkly against her neck, and she punished him by digging her nails into him. He slowly eased one digit into her, as if testing the waters. She exhaled loudly, having never been touched so deeply before. His hand, his touch, was so different yet so delicious.

"Still good?" He asked, voice betraying his lust. The stupid man was probably imagining being inside her by the way that his cock twitched against her leg. But then again, she was as well.

"Yes," she replied. "I just…"

"Hm?" He looked up at her, kissing her breast while she tried to speak her mind.

"I want…more."

She expected him to smile, but he seemed to grow quite serious.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

Pressing a last kiss to her breast, he moved up again, his fingers leaving her wanting. They kissed deeply for a moment, his tongue dancing with hers. He seemed hesitant, wary, so she pulled back and made him look her in the eye.

"I'm ready," she told him.

**Kylo**

Kylo nodded, but saw that she was steeling herself for this. She needed to relax. He didn't want her to hurt.

"Don't be afraid," he whispered. She smiled a little.

"I'm not."

He leant down and kissed her, gently. Trying not to devour her whole as a part of him wanted. He had never been so hard, his member seeping out proof of his desire. He pulled back to position himself at her entrance, the sensitive skin of his cock jumping at the touch of her wet, warm skin, but then glanced down at her to see her biting her lip. Waiting for the pain.

His chest tightened and he reached to tuck her hair back.

"Smile," he murmured. "Please."

Her wide eyes searched his face and must have seen the anxiety there. Although he wanted to push into her again and again, somehow he wanted her pleasure much more. This was sacred between them, and this was her first time. He had to give her everything, had to make it perfect for her. She was the most important thing in the entire universe, and as he looked at her he felt like he was looking straight into the sun. Her head tilted slightly and she did smile, transforming her face entirely.

"You're so beautiful," he told her breathlessly. She laughed and lifted her head to kiss him. Feeling better, Kylo's heart rate doubled as he readied himself. Finally, finally, finally. All of his passionate imaginings and desires were now his reality. With great care, he pushed himself into her, shuddering as she engulfed him in her tight, scorching heat. Just like it had been described to him once long ago, they really were one.

Her lips paused and a small, strangled sound came out of her. His dark eyes scanned hers nervously, but she turned her head to the side as if to hide the pain.

"Rey?"

"It's ok," her voice was surprisingly calm. "Just a second."

She shifted and Kylo's eyes closed. God damn, she felt good.

She was insanely tight and warm, her walls like velvet. Any movement felt good, but it was only like a hint towards much better pleasure. He wanted so much to simply go and slam his hips against hers in a frenzy. But this was Rey, this was more than that. She was not just a body, like the others. This coupling gave him a type of pleasure he didn't understand, nor had even known existed. Just the sight of her naked had given him a surge of unexpected thrill, because it was a gift. She was beautiful, and even if she had looked different she would still be beautiful.

Her fingers tightened in his hair and his eyes opened to meet her intense, hazel stare. He moved again, slowly. But her expression tensed and she sucked in a breath. She tried to turn her head away again, but a tear escaped.

"Rey," He murmured, and pressed kiss after kiss to her face. Guilt ran through him as she clutched him to her neck and gave a small whimper. Suddenly the world was dark and he was panicked. Had he done something wrong? A deep rumbling sound, almost like a growl threatened to leave his throat in self loathing. But she buried her face in his hair and took a deep breath before releasing him, calmer than before.

"I'm alright," she said, almost embarrassed. He tucked her hair back and let his lips ghost over her cheek.

"I'm sorry," he replied quietly, but she let out a breathless little laugh and shifted a little around him.

"Hush up and move," she ordered, and the tension in his shoulders eased.

He began again, but was still unsure. _It had to be perfect. It had to be perfect._ "Tell me what feels good," he told her, trying to focus on the slow, careful thrusts. Her expression again broke into a wide smile that swept away a large part of his anxiety.

"You can go a little faster," she said. "It's better now."

He nodded, focusing too hard to reply. He watched her raptly as he began to move at a decent pace, but saw no pain there. He stroked one of her thighs and sighed as she moved her hips in response to hers.

"Kylo…"

"What?"

She looked at him, lips pressed together. "I want…more."

A bit of a cocky smile crept up onto his lips and he pushed into her even faster, deeper. Finally some relief to his aching member, wave after wave of pleasure that he hoped she felt as well. But he couldn't help himself, so he said, "How's this? Is that what you wanted?"

Her cheeks turned a little pinker. "Yes."

"Feels good?" He prompted.

"Mmhm." Her lips were pressed firmly together now, and he found he was biting his own tongue.

"Don't hold it back," he ordered as his breathing grew harder. "I want to hear you."

A small frown appeared on her brow as she clutched his wide back, as if to pull him closer. "You're doing it too."

Damn it. "Fine, fine."

She clutched him but remained silent until he hissed "Goddamn it, you feel so good," into her ear, his hips going even faster. His hand stroked her perfect, strong stomach, and his lips constantly kissed her; her lips, cheeks, throat, breasts, everything.

Her eyes closed and a small breathy moan escaped her lips.

"So do you…Oh, there."

He frowned in concentration, pushing into her at that exact angle, hitting her hard.

"There," she gasped, "Right fucking there." She moved her hips up for more but he held her steady. His forehead touched hers and their breaths mingled. Her eyes were closed from ecstasy and he called her name so he could look into her eyes and see the pleasure there, see how she wanted him just as much. He had never felt something like this, like a different kind of power surged through him.

"Rey."

Her hazel eyes opened and he smiled at her. After a moment, she smiled back and pressed on his back to lower him for a kiss. His hand slid underneath her in order to place it directly under the small of her back, pressing so their bodies could mingle closer. Her legs tightened and hips lifted and tensed. She was close.

Every time he drew back they both inhaled as if fearful of a possible separation. They kissed even while trying to breathe, unwilling to separate their lips from each other's. Her hand tangled into his hair and grasped it firmly, enabling her arm to fully cradle his head and neck. Her slim, strong legs kept the two firmly connected, so that even when he lifted she went with him only to have her back dropped back onto the bed so he could push deeper.

His eyes opened mid kiss and he was struck by her beauty in the dim light. Perhaps someone could think her ordinary, but his ridiculous adoration made him fascinated with every feature. Her thin, slightly tipped up nose; her serious brow; the small freckles scattered across her flawless skin like stars. She was exquisitely beautiful, and for that moment it was so easy to forget everything but this.

He touched her passionately, and she sighed and gripped his back, digging her fingernails into his flesh. They parted lips but hers found his neck; there he was able to still feel her every breath. All that was left in his mind was emotion and desire; no more games, no more teasing. Just this.

"Kylo…" she whispered, but he didn't understand the word at first. It sounded awkward and foreign to his ears, and his next words were out of his mouth before he could even realize what he was saying.

"Don't call me…that…Call me…Ben…"

She was surprised into a brief moment of silence, but somehow seemed to understand the significance. She pulled back to look up at him and her expression was curious, but then her arms tightened around him and her features became softer. He looked away then, embarrassed and instead focused on his movements.

"Ah…Ben…!" At this gasp of his name he groaned and his thrusts became deeper and more purposeful. They locked eyes and then lips, brutally. She nipped at his lip and he further encircled her in his arms as he began to sense that they were both coming to their high.

"Oh gods...it feels like..." Her voice grew a little higher with his well timed thrust, "It's like...being...whole!"

"Yes!" He hissed, barely able to keep himself from spilling into her, only the thought of her coming apart in his arms kept him together. Her words rang true, for it did feel like that. It felt like being swathed in her, just her, and every good feeling there was crowding out anything else. Almost with complete disregard, he crushed her even closer and slammed his hips into her, finally pushing them over the edge.

"Ben!" She came first, finally feeling the release throb through her body. He followed closely and stilled, his body stiff and wracked with pleasure as he growled her name. Eventually their slick bodies relaxed into each other as they reveled in the afterglow, him trying to keep from falling onto her slim body. She caught his eyes and kissed him softly, sighing when he smoothed her hair back. The tender gesture came so easy to him now, with her.

He moved to carefully ease out of her, but he caught her grimace and froze.

"Are you hurt?"

Her cheeks flushed slightly and her brows narrowed. "No! It's nothing."

In the last moments of his rapture he had forgotten. Darkness swiftly flooded him as he cursed himself for forgetting and being so rough. Kylo laid down beside her but hesitated before reaching out for her. She let herself curve to his body, resting her head on his chest. It was quiet.

"Do you regret it?" She asked him suddenly. He lifted his head to try and look at her. Did she sense something from him? True, his head had been filled with regrets of his thoughtlessness, but not because of the act itself.

"…No. Do you?"

She did not reply for a few moments. "I don't think so."

She pressed her cheek into his skin, and he gently placed his hand on the small of her back. "You're uncertain," he said roughly, feeling betrayed. She shook her head.

"I never thought this would happen. I'm just so confused."

He knew the feeling. Torn. Rey looked up and he felt the confusion she felt fly away to be replaced by a much stronger emotion he didn't understand. But he must have reflected whatever she felt, because she smiled.

"Regardless, I'm happy," she whispered to him. He nuzzled her close.

"I'm happy too," he replied. He wished he could say more, say what he had been trying to express to her with his body. He loved her.

He loved her.

She was the center of his world.

Reeling, he finally grasped what he had been circling around for some time now.

When he finally snapped out of his reverie, her body was relaxed and he felt her fall asleep as he held her. He wanted to keep the moment, keep looking at her, confess to her of his feelings, but he wanted to let her sleep. She had told him she was happy, and that was all that mattered.

**Rey**

She awoke sore, but filled with a lazy peace. She was content to lay snuggled in Ben's arms, warm and safe. If there was an opposite of loneliness, this was it.

They had slept together many times before at that point, but this was a little different. They were skin to skin, bonded now by invisible ties they made their closeness feel even more intimate. She had been overwhelmed last night, first by her fear, and then by the sweet tenderness and passion he had displayed that had washed everything away. He had filled an emptiness, an ache that she hadn't even known existed until they were connected. After the initial pain and anxiety, she had never felt so complete...and so loved. But that, she refused to linger on.

She might have fallen back asleep if she had not felt him stir and then stretch. After flexing his muscles, his arm came back to hold her even closer, if that was possible. She hoped he'd think her asleep, just to prolong the haze of happiness she felt.

"Good morning, Rey," he said softly into her ear, his deep voice so enthralling that she didn't mind being found out after all.

"Morning," she replied as she felt his lips on the back of her neck.

"Are you…alright?"

She tried not to show the tinge of embarrassment she felt. "I'm fine," she dismissed.

His fingers languidly stoked her skin, the sensation so good. She rolled over to be able to look him in the eye, and was dazzled by the beautiful, genuine smile on his face. She had seen it many times last night, but had been a bit preoccupied to truly appreciate it. Her heart was in her throat at that moment, for all she could see was the loving, gentle, ardent man who had made love to her so perfectly. And she knew that she had indeed fallen, had left her reservations behind. She was all in, and she wanted him to know.

"Ben," she whispered. "I-"

His face suddenly contorted and his anger was palatable. "Don't say that name to me," he barked, jerking his head back.

The tenderness she had felt snapped, stinging.

She drew back too, shocked, her face drawing into a frown. "You're the one who-"

"I know what I said. It was an idiotic moment. Don't ever say it again."

**Kylo**

Anger flashed in her eyes and she pushed back from him. The skin she had touched was left cold, mourning the warmth of her body.

She gathered the sheet around her and leaned towards him, curiosity mingling in her expression.

"It's your real name, isn't it?"

Silence. Panic rose in him. _No he's dead that weak, weak boy is dead. He's not me, not me, not me, I'm better, stronger. I am not weak I am not weak..._

"Isn't it?" She pressed, placing her hand on his chest.

He sat up, brushing off her hand on his chest and tightening his fists in anger. She couldn't say that name to him, she wouldn't let it drop, he wasn't that man anymore. _If Snoke knew, if his grandfather knew he had been so weak, letting the boy of the past emerge, weak and pathetic, they would know how frail his will really was. 'Throw him away, Ren. He will only hold you back,' Grandfather had said. 'If you become him again, you will be nothing but a failure, unable to become powerful in either side of the force. There is no grey area in the Force.'_

"Hush. Don't press this!"

Eyes bright, she stared him down and his temples throbbed. "You wanted me to call you Ben. Your real name."

"That man is dead!" He shouted. She could never leave well enough alone! _A FAILURE A FAILURE A FAILURE WEAK WEAK WEAK_

"No, he's not!" She replied just as hotly. "You're Ben! You still-"

Without a thought, his hand reached out and slapped her, only hatred flowing through him. The snap against her skin shook something in him, and dazed, his hatred began to dwindle.

Rey's hand flew up to cradle her red cheek as his shoulders heaved and his body shook with anger. Then his eyes focused on hers, and he saw the betrayal she felt and horror washed over him.

He reached out for her. "Rey-"

Her hands shot out and the force smacked him right into bedframe. His head hit the back with a crack, but he barely felt it next to the horrible panic settling over him. "You're right," she said, shaking, and she glared at the bed to avoid his gaze. "He is dead."

She got up, keeping the sheet wrapped around her. He was going to lose her, he had gone too far. _He had hurt her._ His love. The woman he had made love to only hours before. She had trusted him, let him in, and...

"Rey, I-"

"This was a mistake," She bit back, taking off down the hall to her workroom. He scrambled up to try and follow her, but he heard the unmistakable sound of the lock. It was easily breakable, but she would hate him if he did that, leaving him no choice but to stay outside. A roar of fury ripped out of him and he smashed a panel near the hallway. He hit it again and again until all he was left with was a pounding ache in his chest.

"Rey!" He thundered, the sound ending in a plead. "Please!"

He heard nothing from her, but vowed not to skulk off to his grandfather's mask this time. He would not hear the words that would tell him of his weakness when the only weakness he could focus on was his loss of temper. He had to wait for her, he would wait until she finally emerged. Sitting down on the bed with defeat, his thoughts were filled with self-hatred.

She had laid there with him in the most sacred way possible. They had been bonded like never before. He had experienced the most powerful feeling he had never even dreamed of. And then, with one, stupid, horrible action, he had ruined it all. He had lost her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff is never complete without angst, my darlings. Sorry I'm such a sadist. I hope to be forgiven! I'm sorry if this upset anyone, I take domestic violence very seriously. I'm also sorry about the quality of the smut, it still feels awkward to me, but that's kind of what first times are for! I don't know anyone who thought losing their virginity was a piece of cake XD But I promise there is better, more inspired bits out there...
> 
> Thank you so much for all your comments and everything, they are life. Sorry this is a bit late!


	9. Chapter 9

**Ren**

The next morning came and she still hadn't left the room. Kylo had waved away every message, every droid that came looking for him. He didn't sleep, he didn't eat. He just waited.

But he was an impatient man. He couldn't bear every second he was left waiting. It was scorching him, burning him alive.

_Rey, Rey, Rey._

He couldn't lose her. Just the thought brought such intense pain that it made him want to snap his own neck just to make it stop. It made him want to destroy, to put the pain anywhere but inside himself.

Finally he was desperate enough to try the door. To his surprise, it was unlocked. She must have unlocked it during the night while he was distracted by his own misery. How could he have not noticed? Had she been waiting? Did she want to talk to him?

The door slid open and he entered the room quietly, trying to display some kind of caution despite his taught nerves and racing thoughts. She was lying on the cot in the corner, still but awake. Her feelings were unreadable; she was guarded heavily from him.

"Rey?" He approached her and touched her shoulder, but she still laid motionless. "I'm sorry. I never-I didn't mean to hit you."

"Don't lie."

He paused, trying harder to reach out to her mind. She flung him back immediately and his heart beat faster.

"Rey, I'm sorry I didn't control myself. I hate that I hurt you. It won't happen again."

She said nothing, so he swallowed hard.

"Rey, I'm so, so sorry. Please, please forgive me."

She sat up, but did not turn towards him.

"You are not sorry," she said, spitting out the last word. "You don't even understand!"

He felt like he was grasping at straws, flailing. "I do, I do!" He had hurt her deeply, and he wanted her to know how much he regretted it.

When she did turn to him, his heart sunk. Her eyes blazed with what only could be hatred.

"You aren't sorry you did it, just like you aren't sorry that you tortured me!"

Aghast, he pulled back from her, frustration building. "Why would you say that? Have you not felt my regret?" He argued, voice raising to meet hers.

She came closer, but only to glare more fiercely into him. "You are sorry it was me, Kylo. That's all. If it was anyone else, you wouldn't care."

He was stunned for a moment and then tried to regain himself. "So? I only care about you?"

She pulled back, but this time sorrow had settled into her anger. "Why can't you understand?" She asked, voice breaking. "It's not right. It isn't right to hate everyone else, to just disregard them like trash."

He could hear his father's voice in his mind. _There's something wrong with him!_

"They don't matter to me. Only you, Rey! Why don't _you_ see that? Don't you know how precious you are to me? Of course I am sorry!"

She shook her head and put her head in her hands, and he heard how her voice was thick with tears. "I know that. But you have to see, you have to realize... _Every person in the galaxy is someone else's Rey._ "

Struck dumb and quiet, he realized how Leia had once tried to explain this to him. " _Everyone has a mother and a father, and they care about them just as much as we care about you. That's why they matter."_

But he had disregarded it, thinking with venom how little his parents cared about him. But now, Rey's words struck him hard, as if she had been the one to hit him. In a flash, he remembered his most recent kill, a young, force sensitive woman whose husband had attempted to attack him after he had ended her.

He had reached out, but only got so far before Kylo had frozen him. In a moment Kylo saw the man's grief, how he screamed and cried for his wife. At the time, he had scoffed at the man's obvious weakness and had killed him too.

But if he even felt the least bit of how Kylo felt about Rey...

Something long buried ached in him.

"Show me," Rey said quietly, and he realized that he hadn't spoken in a long time. He looked into her beautiful eyes and then down before he let her in.

He felt her looking, touching, gentle even in his mind. Not like him. She did not take, she only saw. It only took a few moments before her demeanor changed and she pulled away, no doubt having seen what he had just experienced.

"You're sorry?" She asked slowly, and his fingers came up to touch hers.

"Yes," he said quietly, the new regret seeping through him. Was this weakness? This was...compassion. And not just for her. This was the exact thing he had fought against, and he knew that something in him he had built was destroyed.

She grasped his hand and her eyes were sharp. "Don't fight it," she instructed. "I can forgive you if you...if you understand."

Inwardly, he wanted to scoff. _If he cared about others, she would forgive him._ How twisted fate was, how far he had fallen. For her.

He did not reply, just tried to make his emotions go away as he focused on the touch of her calloused hand. Finally, they had quelled enough.

"I want you to call me Ren."

After a moment, she commented, "A compromise."

He nodded, searching her feelings the best he could. She looked into his eyes, face expressionless.

"Ren."

He nodded again, but her face did not change. Suddenly, she pulled away and lay down again.

"Rey?" He reached out to touch her but the moment his fingers brushed her skin she pushed him away.

"I can't. Don't touch me."

His heart was seized, emotion clouding him immediately as confusion racked his brain. "Rey, please," he begged, his voice raw. "I thought-"

She sat up again, eyes blazing. "No. _No._ You have no right to touch me, or speak to me, or anything! Regardless of _that,_ I trusted you. I—" She paused, her expression flickering. "I won't forgive you. And I realize now that no matter what, I'm just your goddamn prisoner."

"No, you're not!" he protested, frustration seeping through his voice. "I promised you your freedom. And I made a mistake! I just…I can't let you go yet."

He buried his head in his hands. "Not like this. Not with you hating me. Let me show you that you can trust me again." He paused, his voice breaking. " _Please_ , Rey."

She was silent, but he was desperate. He had never wanted anything like he wanted her forgiveness.

"Fine. But my time here is now on my terms. I will decide when I leave, not you."

He looked up at her, his mind already panicking. "But—"

"No."

He stared, and she stared back. The realization that she wanted him to show her his trust was part of this deal. She knew that if he made her this deal, he would carry through with it since he was so desperate for her trust.

He couldn't lose her. But if he disagreed, she was already lost.

"Okay," he finally said.

Something in her posture relaxed. But her gaze was still steel.

"You were angry," she said. "But you will never lash out like that again towards me."

He opened his mouth to speak, but suddenly his air was cut off, throat being squeezed as the force constricted around it. His body was frozen, his eyes locked on her fierce expression and outstretched hand.

"I am not weak," she said sharply. "Don't ever forget that. If you ever lay a hand on me like that again, I will not hold back. And I will never trust you again."

He was released and immediately sucked in air. Anger surged through him at first, but as she turned away, he caught her hand to turn her back to him.

"Ok," he rasped, throat still raw. Her eyes searched him for a long moment.

"Ok," she replied.

Her hand still in his, he hesitantly brought it up to his cheek. She let him, and his eyes closed with relief. Then she let herself lean into him, and he held her close with his mouth set hard. He would never hurt her again, but she was so frustrating. Her words had surprised him, but also sparked his emotions, strengthening them. She was strong, fierce, beautiful, and unwavering. And his match and equal in every way.

"I love you," he said suddenly.

She stiffened and turned her face up towards him. She looked as if she would say something, but instead pressed her lips against his with fervor. He was surprised by this, and even more so when she climbed onto his lap. It awakened that same passion again, and he felt forgiven. Relieved. But when he pressed against her mind, she found her closed off again to him. But her hands still slid through his hair, and her lips still moved against his. He had a chance, he had not lost her.

Not wasting a moment, he scooped her up into his arms and carried her back to their bed.

They had fallen asleep once more, entangled, but Ren was roughly awakened by haphazard shakes.

"Ren! Ren, wake up."

Turning his head towards the assault, Ren's dark eyes flickered open. "What...?"

Rey, clothed and wide awake, stared back at him with an intense look on her face.

"Ren, we…I can't get pregnant! We had…I will not get pregnant!"

Pregnant? Good god. And she was still shaking him. It was incredibly irritating.

"You won't get pregnant," he mumbled, turning away from her.

She grabbed him again, her nails digging into his flesh even more insistently. Almost just pushing him now.

"You don't know that! How could we, I mean, what can we-" She stopped and buried her face in her hands, look small and fragile all of a sudden. "I've never been so careless," she whispered.

Ren sat up abruptly, running a hand through his hair and trying to endure the head rush he got. "It's alright, Rey."

She stared at him, but he breezed right passed her to the panel on his wall. Typing in the code and then the request, he sighed.

"Ren?"

He turned to her. "You're not going to get pregnant. I've taken care of it."

The look she gave him was one of complete exasperation. If he hadn't been woken up so harshly, he could have laughed. Instead he just gazed at her, silent as he tried to quell the irritation he felt.

The sound of the small door opening made them both turn, and a small droid appeared. Ren held out his hand and it scanned his fingertips. Satisfied, it then produced a small syringe and needle.

"What is that?" Rey asked incredulously, crossing her arms across her chest tightly. Her apprehension was obvious. Did they not have prevention on Jakku?

"A drug that will prevent pregnancy for a month. And since it hasn't been too long since we had sex, you will not get pregnant. Now let me see your hip."

Rey shifted, and it became obvious that she had never heard of this before. "Is it safe?" She asked.

Ren did crack a smile then and stepped closer. "It's been used for a long time, it's very safe. And I know how to deliver a shot," he answered, more gentle.

Her lips pursed. "You know a lot about it."

He shook his head. "I investigated it…for us. After we began…this."

Rey licked her lips but then peeled her clothes from her side, giving him access. Ren knelt down and prepared the shot.

"Breathe in, then out."

On her breath out, he inserted the needle into her soft skin, dispensed the medicine, and then withdrew it. A quick glance at her face made him wonder, for her face displayed no pain, only focus as she stared away from him.

Ren pressed his lips to the small wound, and she suddenly glanced down, the look of surprise all over her features. As if she hadn't expected such a gesture from him.

A small smile quirked up his lips before he stood, taller than she once again.

"Better?" He pulled her close and captured her lips, but only briefly. She drew away and nodded.

"Don't you have to go to work sometime?" She asked, brushing past him to order food.

He turned and nodded, hating that she was so distant. He wasn't forgiven for his actions earlier. Or perhaps the thought of carrying his child was too repulsive for her. Grinding his teeth, he left her to dress. She wasn't wrong; Hux had already sent him three messages. Although Ren liked to see him squirm, if he waited much longer Snoke would most likely be contacted. Or Phasma would knock down the door.

The tight lipped, copper haired general was waiting for him. After the initial and typical demands of explanation and passive aggressive hints to Ren's priorities, loyalty, and intelligence, it took every image of Rey's soft hazel eyes to keep him from murdering Hux right then and there. Usually he'd storm out, destroy something, maybe kill a few troopers or someone under Hux just to express his rage. But it was widely known among Ren, Hux and Phasma that the three were not to fight one another, at least not directly. So no matter how much Hux humiliated him, Ren was unable to touch him.

At least, directly.

They needed to head to Starkiller; the ships were prepared. He had to tell Rey. They were already delayed due to his excommunication. Hux clearly blamed him; the general was eager to use Starkiller. It was his project more than anyone's, and Ren knew the man's mind better than himself—it was Hux's greatest desire to be so powerful, to have such control at his fingertips. He hated Ren because he was higher than him and possessed power that Hux could never have. And in turn, that gave Ren great satisfaction.

That aside, after some rigorous training and a brief visit to his grandfather, Ren was able to return to his apartments. And to Rey.

His girl was busy at work, so busy that she did not hear him come in. But not because of concentration, but because she was busy speaking to something. Something that beeped.

Ren entered her workshop and looked at the droid on Rey's table. It seemed to be made of different parts not meant for one droid, and its cylindrical body was topped by a small light sensor and lens eye. It swiveled its top "head" towards him and beeped, but as a welcome, not from fear. Strange.

"Ren!" Rey's teeth bit into her lower lip as she wrapped an arm around the little droid to lift it away from the table. "You're back."

Ren walked to her table, picking up a few pieces to examine. Pointlessly, for he knew very little about droids and their parts.

"Don't worry. I won't harm your little pet," he said, but let his tone be gentle. He remembered how upset she had been when he had destroyed the little cleaning droid, and felt bad about it.

Rey's sweet features took on a dark expression, but it was fleeting. "You will not."

Realizing his error, he swallowed and reached to smooth his fingers over her hair. "How are you feeling?"

She looked down and away. "Fine," she replied, hazel eyes flashing up to meet his for a moment. They stood in silence for a long moment, her working and him watching. Finally, he cleared his throat.

"Not…sore or anything?"

She jumped a little, lips parting and a little chortle escaping her as she suddenly seemed to need to rummage for something. Ren's heart began to pound.

"I told you I'm fine," she eventually replied in a rush.

"Do you regret it? You are still…?" _Angry?_ Rejection was already thick in his throat, the bands of his chest ready to snap. He knew he had asked before, and that he was not yet forgiven. But if didn't ask again, the wondering would drive him mad.

Her head came up quickly, color staining her cheeks.

"No," she said, irritated at his self-consciousness. "Yes. I mean; it is…different. We've seen each other naked."

Gods, was that it? It wasn't him, but the action itself? She was embarrassed that he had seen her _naked?_

He held in his laugh before quietly replying, "Don't worry. It doesn't change anything. Well, not for the worse. There's no need to be embarrassed."

She nodded without comment, but appeared calmer. Ren tried to soothe his inner conflict at this ordeal, he just wanted to take her into his arms now. Didn't she realize he'd missed her? She had been in his mind all day. Perhaps he did not have the same effect on her.

A touch on his arm drew him out of his self-loathing. She was looking at him, a question in her hazel eyes. She only grew more so after seeing his expression, but said nothing. As if she knew already what he must tell her.

"Do not think that I am…breaking our deal," he said hurriedly as she frowned. "I will hold fast to it." _I will not lose you so quickly._

He took a breath, glad her hand was still on his arm, warm and reassuring. "But...I must go to Starkiller. I…hope…you will come with me." It was strange to be asking her, his heart in his throat. But she had to say yes, had to give him more time!

"Starkiller?" She echoed, terror in her eyes. She drew back. "The weapon that destroyed the Republic? The Hosnian System?"

He could only nod, but her hand came up to cover her mouth. "You're going to use it again."

He wished she was stupid sometimes. Then she wouldn't draw conclusions so easily. Of course she would know immediately.

"…Yes."

She shook her head in disbelief. "How could you?"

Stifling his irritation and fear was so difficult; it burned him. "I did not make this decision."

Her eyes narrowed and her hand left her lips. "Don't pretend like you don't have a hand in it, Ren."

A deep breath to calm himself. This was Rey, his beloved Rey. He could not lash out. Never again.

"I do. I shouldn't have even told you, but I wanted to give you the choice," he said stiffly. "You know which side I'm on."

"Doesn't mean I agree with it!" Rey burst out. His anger surged and she took a step back, and immediately it died down. She was afraid. As gently as he could manage, he said, "Please, come with me. I will still fulfill my promise to you. I just…need more time."

She knew he hated to beg. She turned away to look out the window, and he fought every cell of his being to stay where he was and to remain calm.

"Fine."

Sweet, sweet relief. He relaxed and she turned back to him.

"The resistance won't let you get away with this," she warned him, eyes narrowed. "They know now what it can do."

He shrugged. He doubted they could do anything about it, and that wasn't his primary concern. But yet she stepped closer, laid her hand on his chest and looked up, her eyes intense.

"The Hosnian System," she said again. "It destroyed planets. Millions of people died."

He was cold, anxious. And he could not answer, did not understand why she said this until their conversation from the day before popped into his mind along with the face of the grieving man.

"You watched, didn't you? You watched as they died. You heard their screams, their light going out in the Force."

He stared down at her, indeed remembering that day. Emotion swept through him and she took a deep breath and relaxed as if he had comforted her.

"Rey?" He said, voice still a little raw. Her head laid down on his chest, and his arm automatically came around to hold her.

"I felt it," she murmured. "I know you."

He tried to search her mind, replaying the previous moments back in his head.

"Say what you mean," he replied impatiently.

She shook her head, but after a moment spoke.

"You did not enjoy that. You may have killed many people and sentenced others to death, but when they died you felt the pain. It hurt you."

It felt like his hair stood on end with her words. He wanted to push her away, yell that she was wrong. But he had indeed felt the pain; he always felt pain. The waves were strong then, but he had pushed them down the best he could. Done his best to ignore.

"Damn you," he muttered, but she made no response. "Damn you." His arms held her weakly, and his dark, dull eyes gazed off into nothing.

If she could sense his weakness, Leader Snoke did too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all! Thank you so much for EVERYTHING! It feeds my dark, black soul. Seriously, I love seeing your reactions and comments. For anyone who was upset by the abuse of last chapter, I apologize. I do take it seriously and hope you all were ok. It gets better, I promise.


	10. Chapter 10

**Ren**

Later, after dinner, the droid came per Ren’s request. The two humans sat together on the chairs in the bedroom, and the droid began stripping the bed of its blankets.  

Rey looked at him quizzically, for this was out of the norm. But he wouldn’t speak. Perhaps she wouldn’t ask. 

“What is CT doing here?”  

Always so curious. Ren almost had the urge to smile as he imagined her reaction to what he would say. 

“It’s changing the sheets. You bled when we laid together,” he told her casually. 

Her face changed with understanding, and her cheeks grew pink. She looked away from him, and he felt a little guilty for enjoying her embarrassment. 

“It happens the first time for every woman,” he said, trying to make her feel better. 

“I suppose you would know,” she replied haughtily, face still turned away so he could only see the curve of her neck and the dark hair that rested there. 

“Hmph. Don’t be ridiculous. It’s common knowledge,” he retorted. “It’s not my fault you come from a wasteland of ignorance.” 

She didn’t reply, and he felt a little worse. The droid stashed away the sheets in the garbage chute and began putting new, silky dark sheets on. 

“It’s not your fault you don’t know,” he said quietly. “I’m sorry.” 

At first she didn’t reply, only watched the droid. But then she said, just as quiet; “What else should I know then?” 

Ren cleared his throat, surprised at her unexpected request.  

“We need to wait. You need to…heal. It only takes a few days.” 

She nodded, but he could still feel her embarrassment despite her attempts at squashing it down. 

“It will feel better next time,” he added. “No pain at all.” 

She looked at him then, biting her lip. “Did Leia tell you this?” 

Now it was his turn to be embarrassment, and he felt the tip of his ears grow warm. 

“Yes.” 

“When?” 

“When she visited me.” 

Rey tilted her head, her small buns brushing her neck. How he longed to touch her. 

“You didn’t tell me she visited.” 

He frowned and looked away. “It was rare.” 

Her hazel eyes peered into him, and the only sound was of the droid leaving.  

“It hurt,” she said suddenly. “It made you angry.” 

He pushed up from his chair, the waves of emotion just like the ones he felt back then.  

“Drok it, Rey! Stop.” He had had more than enough  _feeling_  for today. 

She stood as well and her hand curled into a fist. “It’s alright to feel.” 

He shook his head. “Leave it be.” 

She sighed. “You have so much pain. It hurts me.” 

His dark eyes turned to her face quickly, scanning her features. “Don’t,” he ordered. His heart beat fast. He didn’t want her to be in pain like he was. It was so strange to even think of such a thing. 

“It happens, when you care about someone. When you are close to them,” she told him. “When we were…together, I could feel so much.” 

Now that she mentioned it, he recalled something similar. The tenderness he had felt for her, the echoes of her heart, her longing. He had felt it for her family, for belonging, and even for him. 

“I felt it too,” he admitted. She came close and slipped her arms around him, resting her head on his chest. 

“Isn’t that what you told me, back then?” she asked. “’Don’t be afraid, I feel it too?’” 

“Yes,” he answered, deep in memory.  

“I wish it was better,” she said. “I wish I could fix it all.” 

He chuckled, holding her close. “Like your machines, I suppose.” 

She laughed a little as well at his analogy before pulling away. “It’ll get better,” she said confidently. 

He stared at her forlornly, wanting to share in her hope but unable to. She nodded at him once, then headed off to the refresher, presumably to sanisteam. 

She was everything good. She did make it feel better. Like a patch over a hole. When he was with her, he felt whole again. He wanted to tell her this, somehow explain it. But he didn’t have the words. 

After her sanisteam, they laid in bed together, not sleeping or talking, simply being together.  

“Rey,” he whispered, stroking her cheek. She didn’t reply, just laid on his chest with one hand resting there as well. He saw the brush of her open eyelashes, her eyes staring off. His hand softly smoothed her hair back again and again, silently reveling in the privilege. He enjoyed the quiet serenity they held, but he yearned for another moment in which he could see her eyes on his, both lost in everything but each other. The quiet scared him, made him feel unsure.  

“Rey,” he said again, his voice straining slightly. She moved then, head tilting up. He saw her brow already start to crease as it did when any dark thought passed her mind. He felt her press against his mind, searching his feelings. She must have sought out the seed of doubt, of worry in his mind, because she turned towards him and pushed herself up. He pulled her closer and she kissed him a few times and stroked the edge of his jaw.  

Fear only rose in him though, so he threaded his fingers through her hair to hold her face close. 

“Stop,” she said, pressing her lips to his cheek. “Your thoughts are so loud.” 

He couldn’t help but smile at that, at her little quip at his turbulent emotions. His fingers slackened and released their hold, and she laid down on him and rested her head by his throat.  

She let her thumb caress the base of his jaw and he closed his eyes, soothed. Her body, slim and warm, felt completely natural against his.  

“I love you,” he said quietly, and her fingers paused. Just as before, she didn’t reply.  

 **Rey**  

Every time he said it, it made him more upset when she didn’t echo his declaration. She knew that she had wanted to say it, but that was before he had hit her. Now, she couldn’t. She didn’t want to love someone she did not trust.  

She understood him, could feel his emotions and even see inside his mind from time to time. But she would never, ever let someone hurt her like that. She had seen couples like that on Jakku, people who slowly destroyed each other with their violence or simply fell victim to it. It was a hole so hard to get out of. Never, she had vowed, never would she hurt someone she loved like that, and never would she let someone do the same to her. 

But he did.  

She knew what had ran through his mind when it happened. She understood. But she would never forget it, and she would not forgive it. All she could try to do now was move past it. And he was set on gaining her trust back. 

She sighed and brushed her fingers along his jaw, but the action did not ease the muscles there. 

“I know you do,” she said quietly. “And I’m glad you have patience.” 

This seemed to take the air out of him, and he just pulled her closer till she was almost on top of him. 

He was so much to her. And regardless of what had happened, she did love him. It was something she had reluctantly admitted to herself as she had lay on that cot in the workroom, tears still wet on her cheeks. She was in deep now. But she could swim now, and she intended to never sink.  

 **Ren**  

He awoke in the night, covered in a sheen of cold sweat. He had dreamed of Rey, in flashes and glimpses of terrifying images. Rey, covered in bruises and hurt and angry. Rey, running away from him down the long, white halls of the Finalizer. He, watching her ship become smaller and smaller in the distance of the stars. Going far, far away.  

Something about this gave him a strange feeling of familiarity. He remembered something about his grandfather, that he saw glimpses of the future through his dreams. Ren’s immediate thought was to grab Rey and hold her close, and do everything in his power to keep her there. Wasn’t his nightmare one of her departure? Would she get hurt and be bleeding and bruised from leaving? He would never let that happen to her, if he were with her. The only conclusion seemed to be to keep her with him, deal or no deal.  

He looked over at Rey, sleeping peacefully. Probably dreaming about the island he had seen in her mind, the one she used to imagine to lull herself to sleep. Although she wasn’t the deepest sleeper, Ren was able to lay down and slip his arms around her. He buried his face into her hair, enjoying the clean scent of her. She hummed a bit in her sleep in reaction to his touch, but otherwise did not stir.  

Ren stayed awake long afterwards, tormenting himself with the memory of his dream and his anxieties about what to do. Part of him was dying to tell Rey, to hear her assurance and hands smoothing his wild hair. But he couldn’t tell her. And he couldn’t let her get hurt like that. She had no idea what she was walking into the moment she left him. 

~ 

 **Rey**  

The next morning, he was the same as always, with the exception of his kiss goodbye. He left early, with her still in bed. When he came in for their usual goodbye kiss, ordinarily no more than a peck, he instead kissed her deeply and passionately. His hand curled around the back of her neck and was warm. When they both drew back, she must have looked as startled as she felt because a faint smile appeared on his lips. 

She reached up to hug him close, confused but somehow soothed. His lips came close to her ear and he whispered, “I love you.” 

In response she let him go and kissed him softly, but sternly said, “You’re coming back, aren’t you?” 

He cocked an eyebrow at her question. “Yes. We have to board the ship today.” 

She frowned, but nodded. He ran his finger along her cheek and then turned away, putting on his helmet just before he was out the door. 

She worked for a while, but then wandered back into the bedroom, unable to focus much. She laid on the floor in the pool of sunshine from the window and watched the dust motes float by. 

She felt much lighter, knowing that Ren would let her go, that he loved her more than as if she was a toy he kept in his bedroom. She had wondered for so long if he saw her more than a possession. She loved him, despite everything. But did he love her the same way? Now, she had her answer, most likely. 

But he wasn’t happy. Regardless of how he regarded her, he wanted her with him. She knew that he wanted her on his side, ruling the galaxy beside him. Ren wanted this because it was easy: he wouldn’t be as guilty for what he did outside their relationship, and they would be able to stay together. But he didn’t quite understand. She would never be able to do that, kill and drift to the dark side. It wouldn’t be her anymore. And didn’t he love her as she was? Who she was? 

None of this did she know how to put into words that he would understand and that she could say without it turning into an argument. It was an endless cycle of peace and war between them. And Rey was so tired of it. 

She didn’t want to think about this right now, like this. She didn’t want to be unhappy when she had her promise, which had brought such relief. Anything, when thought hard about it, could be tainted. So she closed her eyes and spread out her arms to feel the sun on her skin and thought about better things. Swimming. Food. Forest. Sex. Falling asleep in Ren’s arms. Finding a small flower in the shade of the desert. Ren’s smile, when it wasn’t so cocky. BB-8, rolling his little head towards her sweetly. Finding the last part for her speeder. The way Ren looked at her after they made love. Finn and her, escaping on the Falcon and tasting freedom. Riding with Ren through the forest, almost as good as a speeder. Meeting Han. They went on and on, like snapshots until all she saw inside her eyelids was a morning that Rey had woken up before Ren and was able to watch him sleep. He looked younger, softer, and so, so human. Almost like a child. Softly breathing without a bit of tension in his features. Laying on his chest, his arm draped around her, she was able to see Ren as only a man. A man who used to be a boy, who used to laugh freely and was held in his mother’s arms and imagined fantasies like Rey did. She was almost sorry when he woke up. 

So lost in her memories and drowsy in the sun, she did not hear Ren come in. Only when he called her name did her eyes open. 

He stood over her, still clad in his robes and seemingly amused. “What are you doing on the floor?” 

“Thinking.” 

He pulled off his robes and sleeves until he was left in a sleeveless shirt with a turtleneck collar. “I thought you might want to take a walk, before it’s time to leave.” 

“Maybe,” she said from the floor. She had lived outside her life outside, and here on Naboo she had enjoyed recapturing the familiarity of the outdoors.  

“Hm.” He gingerly sat down next to her, and after a moment she sat up and placed herself in his lap. She leaned back against his chest; he made a good chair, for his back stayed straight and never wavered. His arms came around her and they said nothing for a while.  

Rey began to imagine a life like that again, except with Ren. A hut outside somewhere. Maybe not even in the desert on Jakku. Perhaps a forest instead. She could come and go as she pleased again, and build a new speeder…she had no idea what Ren would do. Hunt? Angrily chop at trees? Either way, she could see it clearly, almost.  

She felt a nudge at her mind, and Ren slipped in before she could even stop him. But for once, she didn’t push him out right away. She felt him seek out her thoughts and see the picture she had painted of them. She thought then of them walking, even holding hands, sleeping together, eating together. She lingered on the image of them walking together underneath a canopy of trees, and she suddenly felt him withdraw fast from her mind.  

He leaned his head down to rest his forehead on her shoulder, as if he was troubled. She took his hand and waited for him to overcome whatever emotion was overwhelming him.  

“Is that what you want?” He abruptly asked her, voice low. 

She blinked. “I guess so,” she admitted. “I like the idea of a home.” 

He paused. “With me?” 

She nodded, silent.  

He sighed and lifted his head enough to kiss her shoulder blade. “Someday, love.” 

She turned to look at his face, his dark eyes tortured. “Someday?” She asked, not wanting to hope for something so…impossible.  

“Someday.” 

We just have to beat them first, she thought. Or at least convince Kylo of his good. He did want to be with her, maybe that would help convince him. 

She leaned her head up to let her eyes trace his jawline. “What’s wrong?” She asked him. 

He shook his head, melancholy. He glanced down at her and must have seen her disappointment, for he replied, “Let’s go.” 

Rey decided a final walk would be alright. They went through the usual ritual of him putting on his mask and them walking far enough away until took it off again. They climbed a tree and looked out, and he watched as she collected all different kinds of leaves, putting them in his empty helmet to store them. From his perch on a large rock, he observed her. 

“Why do you insist on this?” He asked. 

“I’ve never seen so many different kinds of leaves,” she replied. He watched, jealous as she climbed a rocky cliff with ease. She silently gloated from the top, looking down at him.  

“Come back,” he growled. 

“Maybe I’ll run away,” she teased. His expression grew dark and with reluctant regret, she quickly climbed down and landed in front of him. 

“Came back,” she said expectantly. But he just tilted his dark head at her and they went off on their way. She coaxed him into walking around the lake, and he taught her how to skip stones. It was just like tossing drive disks, she realized. But somehow his still went farther.  

He insisted on carrying her on his back as they headed back. She clung to his neck and leaf-filled helmet as they returned in the dying light.  

They boarded the Finalizer shortly after dusk. Rey’s sorrow was so great that it cleary upset Ren. But she didn’t feel like explaining that walking onto the ship was like walking into a dark, metal hell. She had loved the sun and the wind and the soft grasses of Naboo. She and Ren had had their best times there. Not without one of the worst, but still. The moment the cold, manufactured air of the Finalizer hit her face, Rey felt something inside her wilt. 

Ren took her back to the old apartment and he took a lot of care in placing her collected leaves and a few stones from Naboo on the table in the sitting area.  

She ignored it though, going straight to the window in the bedroom to catch a last glimpse of the planet. Rey knew that Ren wanted to comfort her, but she just wanted to be left alone. He must have sensed it, for he left her shortly after to do whatever crap commanders of murderers do. When he returned, she was in bed. 

“Are you hungry?” he asked, but she shook her head. She just wanted to lie there and forget. Ren slid into bed and cuddled her quietly for a long while, and she was grateful for his understanding. Her body laid in the crook of his perfectly. She suspected that he too was sad to leave. But before she consented to getting up for a meal, she examined his feelings and found out that there was something deeper there, something more than just sorrow. Something he was hiding. 

~ 

 **Ren**  

He wondered if she thought he was sulking. If she did, she didn’t act like it. He held on to her tighter, wanted her closer, and was demanding. But she was still the same. But even though she tried to hide it, he knew she was bothered by something. 

Rey sorted her leaves and drew them, worked on and completed a disc that hovered and supported her weight, causing her to zoom around and fall off, getting a large bruise on her arm. But at night she tossed in her sleep, her face scrunched up and tensed.  

“Rey,” he murmured to her one night as she yet again turned in her sleep. “It’s alright. I'm here, love.” 

She mumbled something and sighed. He turned her towards him and buried his face into her neck. He hadn’t slept much since his frightful dream, because when he slept it usually reappeared. So he laid awake, thinking. He couldn’t let her go, he couldn’t be alone again. Lost in his thoughts, focusing only on the swirl of the darkness. She was his family, she was something to hold on to. Without her he couldn’t control himself. He felt more, but somehow…he had a better hold on it. He felt things with her that he hadn’t had in years. Something in him relaxed when he was with her. He needed her.  

But yet…he knew she was unhappy, restless. It hurt him to see her at the window, hand on the glass like a bird in a cage. Somehow, she looked unnatural in his world of sleek metal and glass. He never told his master, but he knew, deep down, that she would never turn. She was steel, never breaking or even bending. Rey was truly that: a ray of light. The only way she would darken would be in death. And yet, he loved her. Irony. 

Going against Snoke would be like going against nature. And Ren wasn’t sure Snoke didn’t already know what he would do. But he knew that this failure could possibly be his last—The dark side didn’t forgive. If only she could give him something. If he had the map, if he had something to show Snoke that would make his presence more valuable.  

Ren picked up Rey’s softly curled fingers and placed them on his cheek. What he felt for her was stronger than anything else so often now. His thoughts, so crazy and frightening, could only be calmed by her words. But she would leave, and he would be unable to resist the dark call. 

 _She doesn’t care about_ _you,_ _she just wants to be free of you. She will leave and never come back, never let you touch her again, never return your love. She will never forgive you. She will hate you, find someone else, someone better, someone with control and power that you don’t have. You are not good enough, you will never be good enough, you will never be free of this torture. You will be forced to walk with one foot each side, burned by each until you die. Torn apart and discarded for your weaknesses._  

“Ren?” 

Her voice jolted him out of his head, where he had been drowning. His eyes opened to meet her hazel ones, and he realized that he was shaking. She reached out to wind her arms around him and pull him close. 

“Why are you so angry?” She asked, voice still thick with sleep.  

“I’m sorry I woke you,” he replied, but too much loathing seeped into his voice. 

“You’re in pain.” 

“I cannot tell you.” 

She pulled back, expression fierce and brow drawn. “Why?” 

His eyes slid to the side, and he didn’t respond. He wouldn’t hurt her with his need, and he refused to let her know of the way his weakness plagued him. 

“Tell me.” 

He shook his head, realizing too late that even her presence cannot save him from this curse. He wished he hadn’t woken her, but she was so force-sensitive. So gently, he pushed her away. 

“Go back to sleep. I need to do something.” He pulled on his shirt. She was upset, and it pained him. 

“You’re going to go talk to that stupid helmet.”  

He hated that she knew, that she had seen his memories of that. She didn't know how much he needed his grandfather. How much he needed his guidance.

“I need to find peace. I just want to be free of this pain.” 

“You won’t in the dark.” 

He turned to her, his beautiful, amazing girl, sitting in the bed they shared and currently glaring at him. “You know what I am.” 

“It doesn’t mean I don’t wish it was different.” She wiped her hand across her eyes furiously, and he almost relented. 

“I’m sorry,” he said sincerely before pulling on his helmet. She didn’t understand, and he didn’t want her to. She must never realize the dark nature of his struggle. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so, so much! Comments are the best and feed my dark soul. Get ready and fasten your seatbelts, because this story is about to take you for a ride. I'm gonna try and keep updating regularly, but school is going so it's a little harder.


	11. Chapter 11

**Rey**  

They didn't speak much.  

Ren had slid into bed hours later, jarring Rey from her sleep. She didn't move, forcing her breathing to be slow and natural. She didn't want to fight anymore.  

He had crept close before kissing her temple and then retreating to the other side of the bed. If he knew she was awake, he did not say anything. Back's facing each other, they lay curled and apart like two lonely, dead leaves. With unease, Rey realized that soon she would be sleeping alone, truly alone, again.  

Ren issued no apology to her, darkness still clinging close to pale skin. They walked silently to the training room, side by side but with dead air between them. Just as Rey was trying to figure out what to say to him the sound of an alarm rang out, blaring through the steel hallways. 

Ren stiffened and turned, his black banded arm coming out to sweep Rey to the side of the corridor. The few troopers in the area began racing, following some unheard command. 

A glance at Ren's mask told her nothing. "What is it?" She asked, low. At first he did not answer, only slipping his hand to her back, drawing her closer to his body. She frowned and shifted from foot to foot. "Ren?" 

"Breach in security," he answered, voice disguised by the mask. "Ships approaching." 

Whatever he report he had heard in his mask had him scared. She had seen glimpses of fear, but this was different. And whatever his fear was, it was directed at her.  

There was the sound of footsteps approaching, fast. Rey strained towards the sound, but soon enough a stormtrooper came into view, his large, colored shoulder armor indicating his rank. Ren shifted forward, almost protectively as the trooper approached.  

“Sir! Rebels have bypassed the fourth wing’s shield and are loose! They bypassed our system and sent out a false order that led many of the guards away from the wing shortly after they landed.” 

A breath was sucked in sharply as Rey realized that her friends had come back. They were here to stop Starkiller and this was her _chance_. She tensed and immediately posed for flight. But as she began to bolt, Ren grabbed her arm before she was more than a few steps away. 

“I know. Get all available soldiers to cover the exits. And I want people around that ship. Do not let them escape!” Ren ordered, and the storm trooper fled. 

Rey pulled harshly against his arm. “Let me go. You know I couldn’t stay here forever!” She was desperate, desperate for him to understand. She cared—god, she loved him—but she was a trapped bird. He was too, but she couldn’t stay with him just because he was stuck. Justice, and her loyalty to her friends, that called to her. She could never be happy with Ren here. 

“So quick you are to leave, without a second thought," he replied, his mask not able to conceal his bitterness. He pulled her into an alcove and with his free hand, ripped off his mask. Automatically she relaxed before she saw the fear she had sensed in his eyes.  

“I told you I couldn’t stay here. I could never serve the First Order. You promised, Ren.” 

He gripped her tighter, pulled her closer. “You’re not serving them. I’m training you, don’t you want to be stronger?” 

She shook her head, lips pressed tight. “You work in the dark side of the force. I will never turn to that, Ren. I’ll train—“ She paused, not wanting to say it. 

His eyes narrowed. “With Luke Skywalker? He’s nothing compared to what I can do, what I can teach you!” 

She didn’t have time, she knew that her chances were slipping away. She gazed up at him and swallowed. “I don’t want to leave you, but you will not come with me. If you walk this path, I can’t stay with you. I know you care, and you know the dark side is not the right one.” 

He scoffed and looked away, but she grabbed onto him as well, forcing his attention back. “You told me you loved me. If you meant that, you will let me go.  You promised. I must do what is right, even if you can’t.” 

Ren looked completely wrought, but he touched her cheek softly. “You’ll leave me right here, right now?” 

Rey hesitated, and he gripped her tighter as if he could encourage her uncertainty. But slowly, she nodded. He released her and stepped back, but there was a panic in her eyes that made her uneasy. 

“Tell me where you are going. Tell me where Luke is,” he said. Immediately Rey’s eyes narrowed.  

“You know I won’t tell you.” 

“I need to know. Trust me.” 

She shook her head again. “I care about you…I love you. But I don’t trust you, Ren.  You would do whatever is necessary to get what you want.” 

He stepped close again and gazed at her intensely. “I want you.” 

She raised her chin to look into his eyes. “I know what you want more.” 

He frowned and then leaned down to kiss her deeply. She gripped onto him and let him hold her close before they both ran out of air. She held his face close to hers as if to remember it. 

“You can’t escape destiny,” he replied, pained and tortured. "I've seen things, terrible things. It's not safe, if you leave..." He paused, a strange look on his face. 

 “Rey...I can’t let you go.” 

Her stomach sank as she realized she couldn’t convince him. That his fear was much more than his trust—almost like hers.  “Even the force cannot predict everything,” she added, feeling the darkness grow inside him, bitter and breathless. Overwhelming. She was scared now, not that he would hurt her, but that he would imprison her. He had promised, damn it! Yet when faced with it, he could not go through with it. Damn him.  

Her heart pounded crazily, the alarms making her ears ring. She felt her pulse pound against her skin and tried to think clearly. 

There was only one thing to do, just one way she knew how to handle this. 

“Ren,” she said, only hesitating for a moment. She reached up, as if to kiss him, and very gently went to touch her lips to his in the most tender of kisses. But as they kissed, she focused and narrowed the force as much as she could before letting it strike out against his mind. She had meant to put him into sleep, as he had once done to her, but her power was not strong or refined enough—he staggered back as if hit, confusion and bewilderment written all over his features. Although not entirely successful, it was enough to daze Ren enough for a getaway. 

“I love you,” she croaked, overcome by the swell of emotion. He gaped, a hand on his head and he grabbed onto the sterling railing to keep upright. His lips formed her name, but no sound emerged. She backed up a few steps, cautiously, and he called again. 

“Rey!” 

Her back turned, she knew that there were only a few moments before troopers would follow her. 

“Rey!” 

His voice broke, heartbroken, and she paused, but just for a moment before taking off at a run, really set to leave this time. Breaking one of the cords that had connected them, leaving it trailing and floating in the air, reaching for her. 

But only a moment afterward she heard his voice echo through the dark hallway, bouncing after her through the blare of alarms; “Fine! Run, Rey! We’ll see if you can even escape from here!” 

His words chilled her to the bone, for she recognized the voice of Kylo, not Ren.  

 **Ren**  

 _Gone._ She was gone. 

 **S** **he had left him.**  

Pain tore through his sternum up to his addled min, courtesy of Rey. A farewell gift from his beloved, he thought bitterly as he struggled to jam his helmet back on. When his hands shook too much to put it on correctly, he threw it against the wall in rage.  

Ignoring the dent he had made, he pressed his forehead to the wall, trying to focus and drive her influence from his mind. 

 _Master! Master...I need your guidance..._  

The supreme leader would help him. Even as his mind grew clearer, the pain increased. He couldn't breathe and his thoughts raced. His chest was too tight, his breaths too fast.  

 ** _ReyReyReyRey_** ** _ReyReyReyRey_** ** _..._**  

A chill fell over him, numbing the pain somewhat for a moment. 

 _Ren, you let her go._  

"No, master," Ren whispered. "She used the force." 

 _She is barely trained! You should have been able to resist her!_  

Ren shook his head, eyes closing as his forehead slid against the cool metal. 

"She is powerful, so powerful...more than you could imagine," he said softly, almost to himself more than to his master. 

 _You have done nothing but displayed your weakness once more, Ren. You must eliminate the compassion you feel. You know what you must do._  

"Compassion..." He whispered, his voice breaking. "I'm not strong enough. I need the darkness." 

 _Then prove it. Show me your devotion. Cut your bonds._  

Ren opened his pitch eyes, the darkness settling in his chest, a different kind of passion and power overflowing and destroying everything else. 

"Yes, Master." 

 **Rey**  

She crept around every corner, trying to focus her feelings so she could locate her friends. However, her entire being was in turmoil. Ren—she already missed Ren. Her grief over leaving and the stupid, unreasonable guilt she felt warped her focus. But, fear, pure fear of the mechanical voice of a killer and the thought of a metal ceiling for a sky steadied her. 

Finn, she just had to find Finn. 

She realized now that she was lucky Ren had begun teaching her—attempting this escape without the small basics she had learned would have been all but impossible it seemed. She felt that something familiar was near—and it wasn’t Ren, she knew the feeling of him better than her own childhood. She was near it, but it wasn’t left or right. It was above.  

She ran towards what she felt was the center until she got to a large cavern with a few bridges and no floor—just a huge pit. Scanning it hurriedly as she sensed a few troopers nearing, she grabbed hold of a large metal piece and swung herself down. 

Climbing a bit further down was easy, second nature. Before she had become a bit cleverer with a rope, she had been forced to scavenge only what she could reach in the giant ships. So she learned to climb. True her muscles were sore and groaned with misuse, but it was familiar. 

Finding a switch, she found the latch and crawled inside it, waiting for it to take her to the other side. She had been just by a hangar; a place she knew Ren would look first. But if her friends were here, she would bet a million portions that they got here on the Falcon.  

It deposited her on the other side, and she climbed up. After finding her footing and a clear hallway, she stole down it until suddenly she came face to face with Finn. 

She gasped and stumbled back, both relieved and shocked. She must not have been focusing on them to sense them. And suddenly doubt gripped her. What if they hadn’t come back for her? What if they had merely come to destroy Starkiller? 

“Are you alright?” Han asked, and she nodded, realizing that he and Chewie were flanking Finn. 

“Yeah,” She said, almost gruffly. Han gave her a once over and nodded before turning away, but Rey’s attention was turned back to Finn, who touched her arm.  

“What happened?” Finn whispered urgently, dark eyes full of worry. “Did he hurt you?” 

He. Ren. Memory flashed before her eyes, clouding them for a moment. 

“What are you doing here?” She asked, avoiding the question completely. 

Finn looked a little surprised. “We came back for you.” 

Chewie tossed in a whine. _“It was his idea.”_  

Rey looked to Finn's warm brown eyes, something inside her melting. They had come back for her. They cared. They still wanted her.  

Impatiently, Finn asked what Chewie had said, and Rey translated, awe still in her eyes. Emotion, mainly relief and compassion, overcame her in one swift blow. She threw her arms around Finn gratefully and felt him press his smile into her shoulder.  

“How did you get away?” 

Oh god, another loaded question. She wanted to tell him everything, wanted to share everything that had happened with someone, just to make it all real. But she couldn’t, not now. 

“I can’t explain it. You wouldn’t believe it,” she said. Ren, the Force. It was too much for a few words. 

She had been afraid, so afraid. She had Ren, but she had felt so alone and detached from everyone else. But they had come back for her. 

 _“I’ll always come back.”_  

She shook her head as if to dispel Ren’s memory from her for this moment, just so she could focus. She couldn’t get all emotional here—They needed to get off this damn planet. 

Han echoed this sentiment. “Escape now, hug later,” he ordered, his voice not taking any rebuttals. 

They broke off into two groups. Rey and Finn ran to mess with the controls in order to open the doors for them to head to the center. Han had explained that they needed to place the explosives in the main beams in order to truly destroy Starkiller, for the detonator had not been destroyed. 

They had to go outside to meet up with Han and Chewie. Without her even saying anything, Finn shrugged off Poe’s jacket and made her wear it.  

“I’m fine,” she protested, but he gave her a hard stare.  

“You’re from Jakku, and you’re telling me you won’t be cold? Bullshit.” 

He had called her bluff and she accepted that. Once they were outside, she took a moment to gape out at the snow that swirled around them. So much white, and all of it floating down almost gracefully. She wished that like the rain, she could have truly gone out and embraced it, cold and all. But they were on a mission. 

They climbed up and up, and just as they opened the door, Rey began to feel dread. Something was terribly, terribly, wrong. 

They entered and were up high on a ledge. Finn looked across and around, but Rey looked down, immediately spotting what had become a most familiar figure. Ren.  

And across from him, Han.  

Oh no. Oh, she could feel the anger in Ren, feel how he was almost out of control. He wasn’t raging outside, but inside, he was slipping. She reached out and understood with the smallest glimpse: he saw Han as taking her away; a negligent father stripping his son of something else he desired. Leaving him alone once more. 

No, no, no, it wasn’t Han! She had done this, she had triggered that abandonment again. Why was he going after Han, then? It was her, and damn it, Ren's choices were what made her want to leave! But Ren’s clouded mind wouldn’t see that. 

Ren reached up and pressed the release for his helmet, stripping it off and dropping it to the floor of the bridge. He hadn’t even seemed to notice her or Finn, only focused on his father. 

Both Han and Chewie’s emotions spiked when Ren removed his helmet, and Rey suddenly realized that this was the first time in a long time that they had seen his face. Were they surprised how he had grown? Could they possibly see the tortured gentleness in his eyes as she did? 

“Your son is dead,” Ren cast out, words laced with venom. “He was foolish, like his father.” 

Rey felt her face contort. Did Ren feel how it bit Han? Did he feel the well of sadness and guilt, of pure longing and love that seemed to pour out of the old man suddenly, like as if the face of his son had uncapped something untouched? 

Han edged closer, and they spoke more. Rey’s heart pounded faster as she heard Han coaxing his son, trying so hard to do what she had also attempted. But he couldn’t sense the storm in Ren, the pain and anger that exuded from him. It screamed danger. 

Rey’s mind buzzed loudly, her body was paralyzed. Han said something, but only Ren’s response came through. 

“I’m being torn apart,” he admitted. She heard how his voice shook. “I want to be free of this pain.” 

That rang a bell in her head, one as loud as the alarms had earlier. He had said that before. 

 _“I need peace. I want to be free of this pain.”_  

But he had not sought her help. He had sought the dark side. Ren was convinced that the way to be of pain was the dark side. 

“No!” She screamed. 

Han turned around swiftly to look up at her, and Ren did as well. His hand, which had gone to his hip where his saber lay, hovered. 

“Ren, don’t!” She yelled, scrambling over the bar. Finn hissed at her and tried to grab her so she could not descend, but she eluded him. Chewie gave a loud whine that caused Han to back up from his son, sensing the unease. 

“Rey,” Ren said, voice dark and low.  

"Kid, go on," Han hissed. "He's my son." 

She got to the edge of the bridge and beckoned Han back, keeping her eyes on the tall, dark knight. 

"I know," She told Han. "But he's not right now." 

Han gaped at her, then to his son and back again. Rey pushed past him when he didn't move. 

“You are not going to do this,” she said to the man across from her, trying to put a little force into her words. Ren gave a bitter laugh. 

“You know better,” he said softly, sensing her effort. His head tilted as he took her in with his eyes. "You're wearing _his_ jacket," he added, his voice growing louder. 

Behind her, Han moved then, drawing into the shadows but not far enough to truly leave Rey behind.  

“Will you kill us all, then?” She asked Ren, but this only made him angrier. 

“I’ll kill every last one of them,” he hissed, omitting her completely from the statement. “You, you are coming with me!” 

He lunged for her, but with a roar Chewie pulled the release on his bow and fired a blast to Ren’s side. It only grazed him, something Rey suspected was in purpose, but it harmed him enough for him to groan out and grasp his side. The blast ignited the charges they had placed, destroying the detonator with a huge explosion. 

“Go!” She heard Finn yell, but both she and Han hesitated. Rey stared at the man she loved, who was gasping in pain of both the body and the mind, her being screaming to help him. 

“Kid,” she heard, a desperate voice full of agony belonging to Han. His face, wrinkled and pained showed that he felt as much if not more than she did about leaving him.  

“We’ve got to go,” he urged. 

Rey looked back at Ren, who's eyes held an unfamiliar gleam. "Rey," he gasped. "I have to. _I have to."_  

“He'll be fine,” Han added with a choked voice and Rey nodded. Throat thick, she backed a few steps then turned to really leave Ren again.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, Starkiller. Let the pain begin. After Starkiller, we branch out entirely from TFA, so I'm excited/anxious about that!   
> I'll be doing my best to reply to comments for the rest of the week, thanks for all your support and patience! You guys make writing this even better.


	12. Chapter 12

** Rey **

They ran into the freezing snow, but Han paused.

"I'm waiting for Chewie," he yelled and shoved his blaster into Rey's hands. "Go to the Falcon!"

Finn nodded and grabbed Rey's hand, pulling her towards the forest on the edge of the clearing. Once they reached the dark, needled trees, they slowed. 

"It's here," Finn said breathlessly. "I think." They both looked around, him pulling her deeper into the trees. Just as they paused again, a crack of a branch resounded around them. 

Rey turned faster than Finn, her eyes immediately catching that same, endless gaze.

"We're not finished yet," Ren snarled, the sharp angles of his face tight  and angry . His  lightsaber was drawn, casting purple shadows over the blue-darkened  snow.

Rey  swallowed, her emotions spilling all over each other . What light Ren had held was indistinguishable.

 "You're being a monster!"  She yelled. Was she irrational for being angry at Ren for taking away the man he loved by giving into the darkness?

His eyes wouldn't leave hers. "It's just us now," he breathed. Bitterly, he added, "Han Solo can't save you."

Rey's breath caught as she watched his blood, red and hot, fall into the snow. His thick black garments hid how badly he was injured, soaking most of the blood up. She wondered if he even noticed himself.

He held out his hand, but  instinctvly  Rey shot the blaster to stop him from using the Force. However, she missed.

"Stop!" Finn screamed, pushing himself in front of her, and Ren's eyes narrowed. Suddenly Rey was swept off her feet and pushed up and away into a nearby tree. Pain shot through her head, and she did not even feel the fall. 

** Ren **

What had he done? She wasn't moving. In his wrath, he had forgotten the trees. He had meant to remove her so he could kill the traitor, not hurt her. And now the traitor, FN-2187, was putting up a fight with a lightsaber he had recognized immediately.

_ Grandfather's. _

Fueling his rage into his strikes, he easily struck down the traitor with a hard strike to his shoulder. Feeling a distinct pain in his chest and his side  he turned away to pound on it, willing the pain to go away even as it blinded his vision for a moment. He began to walk towards Rey only to hear the traitor get up  _ again. _

The image of Rey in his mind, crumpled in the snow, the anger of his failure to kill his father, and the nerve of this  insignifigant  man all pounded in his mind. His strikes grew more careless and less refined, but he still managed to beat FN-2187 back against a tree. However a lean to the sign caused his side to scream out in pain, and he missed the traitor's ugly neck.

Ren ground his teeth to hold back an enraged scream. No more of this. He disarmed the other man with a few clever strikes and then as he fell, drew his lightsaber up his back to his head. He fell to the snow, his dark skin shining with blood and burn. 

Now that he had rid himself of the  pest , he went for his grandfather's lightsaber. But it wasn't working, the Force was too hard to control now with the pain shooting through him. He felt the chill of the wind against his sweat slicked face. He focused and tried again, but was momentarily distracted by a spike of energy behind him.

In that moment the saber flew out of the snow, but instead of landing into his  outsretched  palm it flew past him right into another's: Rey's.

Somehow she was alright. Even her eyes were clear. With utter relief and disbelief, he gazed at her as she ignited the saber and held it with a familiar stance. Fear shown in her eyes, glowing blue from the light of the saber.

"Rey," he murmured. "Rey."

Her stare did not change at all. "You promised," she uttered. "And you lied to me."

He liked his lips. "You know how it feels, Rey," he shouted. "To be abandoned. How can you do this to me?"

Her eyes narrowed. "Don't you dare," she ground out through clenched teeth. She rushed forward, and he ignited his saber to block her strike. "Don't you dare use that against me!"

But the ugliness, the venom in his chest would not stop. "You don't love me," he yelled, striking back. "Or you would not leave me like this!"

She struck again and again out of anger, he could tell. "Your fear tells you that!" She  replied . "That's the dark side!"

The whole ground was shaking, trembling beneath his boots. There were no tricks now; even with such little training, she was already a fierce competitor. The pain in his throbbing side tore away at his concentration, but again and again he swung out to pursue her, knocking down any tree or rock in his path. 

The ground became more and more unstable, and they went right up to the edge of a deep, dark chasm.

"Rey!" He shouted. "You need  a teacher. You need me!  ! I can show you the ways of the force!"

For a moment she looked confused, snowflake laced eyelashes fluttering as she blinked against the light of their crossed sabers. In one dizzying, quiet moment, Ren once more noticed how beautiful she was. She was so good, so good. He felt her, as close as they had been before. Their connection hummed with life, warming his chest and easing the pain for just a bit. Her eyes were wide, reflecting the harsh light like a mirror.

"The force..." She whispered, dark strands of hair brushing against her pink lips. Lips he had kissed.  But then something dawned on her and she steeled. "I...don't...need... _ anyone! _ " She screamed, pushing back against his saber and then sliding down to duck his saber.

Whatever  connection they had held was lost, shredded. Ren screamed  gutterly in rage and pain, his disbelief smacking him in the face. She couldn't mean that. He bent over to try and stop the blistering breaths he took, but something inside him tore as he heard her regain her footing.

He spun, quickly, just in time to block a deft swing. It was she pursuing him now, and before he knew it she had him in the leg. He cried out and knelt into the snow, the sound of his own haggard breathing echoing around them. 

Rey circled him, unwilling to strike while he was down. His warrior girl, so fierce with her wild eyes and gnashing teeth, yet still so moral. The  wound  she had dealt herself hurt him so, but it was nothing compared to the ache in his chest.

"Rey," He managed, blinking against the wet snow. " _ I _  need you."

She  stared, shoulders heaving, and shook her head.

"You're a fool," She snapped, voice breaking. A trickle of water glistened on her cheek. "You're a fool if you think I need you."

Ren did not move, did not breathe. He couldn't, he hadn't the slightest idea how. A huge shock of pain suddenly coursed through his body, forcing him to draw a shuddered, gasping breath. His eyes closed in the pain, and it was in the darkness of himself and his pain that he was finally able to concentrate. There was almost nothing but darkness now, only rage and a  sliver  of pure need . His eyes snapped open and he stumbled up, trying for one last blow, one last attempt to stop her.

She swung faster, better.  He  had taught her well. She struck up catching his shoulder and then a large slash across his face. 

He fell to the ground with a deep roar, and the earth itself began to move . From his position on his back, he turned his head and watched as the planet split in two right between them, almost as if the force itself had carved it. 

"Rey," he mouthed as he watched her stumble back. Her  face blurred and he saw her hesitate. Then darkness overtook him.

**Rey**

They had escaped aboard the  _ Falcon. _ As  the earth split open, Han and Chewie had found her sobbing over the  unconscious  Finn and helped them aboard. 

_ "Don't cry, Rey. I'll take good care of him." _  Chewie said after they jumped into hyperspace.  _ "I owe him one for my arm, remember?" _

Rey nodded and wiped her wet face off on her arm. Tendrils of her damp hair were all stuck to her face, and she felt like she was going to fall apart.

"You're shaking," Han said, and handed her a small flask. "Drink."

Rey cursed inwardly and grabbed the flask. She didn't need to smell it to know that it was going to burn going down.

"I'm fine," she told him and handed back the flask. She  headed  back to where Chewie was fussing over Finn  but Han followed her.

"What happened while you were trapped there?" Han asked. "What did he—what did they, I mean..."

"Nothing," Rey  inturrupted , and sat down at the table. Han stared at her for a moment, a frown set into his wrinkles. 

"Nothing happened," Rey repeated, but even she heard the tremor in her voice. A flash of Ren's face, bewildered and pink from the cold sprung into her mind and her heart thudded. 

Han nodded and rubbed his stubbled cheek for a moment. 

_ "There's nothing more. He needs help," _  Chewie said, and Rey's eyes snapped to where Finn laid.

"We'll be there soon," Han replied.

Rey brushed past the two to go and hold Finn's hand. She saw again the damage Ren had done, still gleaming with fresh blood.

"Hold on," she whispered, her stomach tensing. "Just hold on a little longer."

~

When they arrived,  Finn was taken away immediately to medical. Rey was shocked at the huge crowd that greeted them. But even more so at the woman who lead them; a short but strong looking woman with a sharp gaze, a majestic air, and braided hair.  She and Han locked eyes and Han exhaled strangely. Surely that meant that the woman must be—had to  be!— Leia Organa, twin sister of Luke Skywalker. 

Rey’s suspicion was correct, for  Han gave her a rough  pat forward  and introduced her.

“Kid, this is Leia. Or rather, General Organa,” he scoffed. Leia gazed sharply at him before sweeping forward to take Rey’s hand. 

“Leia will be fine. I’ve heard much about you, Rey.”

Rey tried to shake the  star s truck  feeling she had. Leia, described to be a dark haired beauty, was still just as beautiful as Rey had imagined. What caught her though, were her mesmerizing dark eyes, ones that were just like her son’s. A pang hit Rey’s heart hard, startling her. 

Leia’s eyes, which had been examining Rey’s, softened. “Are you alright?” She asked. “Are you hurt?”

Ha n interjected quickly, “She said she was ok, wouldn’t let us do anything about tho se bruises. "

Rey wrenched her hand from Leia’s t o self  consciously  rub at the place Ren's hand had gripped her . “ It's nothing. ”

To her confusion, Leia and Han exchanged a worried look.

“Let’s get a medical team over here,”  Leia called, but Rey immediately began to protest.

“I’ve already been doctored, I swear. I  j ust, is there  any way —“ She  just wanted to get away from all these people. It had been a warp ride of a day, and she had been in the sole company of one person for months. The crowd was unnerving to her senses.

Leia seemed to sense this. “Come with me, then, Rey. I’m sure you’d like to rest, but I’d like to ask you a few questions in private.  The team is more for this old man anyways. ”

Han huffed and  Rey nodded . Leia had already  begun to part the crowd to head toward the large base building.

Han waved her off when she began to say something, so she merely followed Leia, who led them into a building of dark silver halls. The base was elegant by no means, but instead was full of wires and doors. It was like a maze. They stepped into a  turbolift  and went up.

“You built this all yourselves?” Rey asked.

Leia smiled a little. “We have before, but this used to be an old senator’s house.  Most of our quarters are what we’ve added on underground, but the original structure’s rooms have been converted into meeting rooms and labs.”

Rey nodded, adrenaline already making her heart pick up at the thought of being there, on a resistance base.  Han had  mentioned that she would probably get her own room. Like she belonged, instantly ,  into this overwhelming but exciting chaos. 

Leia led her into a room with a large wall of round, bubbled windows. Evening sunlight streamed onto the furnishings, which were light and sparse. A couch and chairs didn’t match, but were all made of a thick, pretty material that Rey had never seen before. The room, so unlike Ren’s, was filled with light and pale colors. 

Leia motioned for her to sit as she went to grab the teleprompter on a table. “I was lucky to be granted this room, above grounds. It’s not the safest place, but I like it.”

“It’s beautiful,” Rey said. The warmth and light reminded her of  Jakku , a little. She stood still, forgetting to sit.

“Come,” Leia said, retrieving the tray of food and drink she had ordered from the tablet. She sat down on the couch and Rey obliged, cautiously sitting next to her as she tried not to stare hungrily at the bread and unfamiliar fruits before her.

“Eat; you must be hungry,” Leia urged.

Rey began eating without embarrassment, but did try to check her manners. Leia’s eyes watched her over a cup of hot liquid that tasted delightfully tart to Rey.

Leia waited politely until Rey began to slow down. “Tell me what happened, if you can. Finn  told us that he saw  Kylo  Ren carry you to his ship.”

Rey nodded, putting down the piece of bread she had been chewing on. “He used the Force to knock me unconscious, when I woke up I was strapped to a weird chair. He was there too.”

She stopped, remembering it all too clearly. Ren’s cruelty, the coldness in his eyes. Leia mistook her pause for one of trauma.

“I know it’s hard, but every detail is important.”

Rey shook her head. “He tried to get in my head to find the map, but I pushed him out.”

“You pushed him out? With the Force?” Leia uttered, unable to disguise the shock in her voice.

Rey nodded, lips pressing together tightly. “ I didn't...I didn't know I could. I  then  used it to trick a Stormtrooper, and I almost escaped. But Ren caught me. And after that, I was kept in his apartment, where I couldn’t escape. Since I could use the force.”

Leia nodded, wordless, but her tense expression spoke volumes. Rey couldn’t imagine saying what happened after that, so impulsively, she noted; “Your eyes are just lik e his. I mean, his eyes are just like yours.” Rey wished she knew things like that; if only she could even remember what her parents looked like.

Leia’s eyes widened. “You know…he is my son?” She paused. “He…told you?”

Rey’s cheeks pinked, but she nodded. 

Leia stared at the girl for a long moment before asking, “And he kept you…in his personal quarters?”

Rey nodded again, watching Leia’s face change. She waited, unsure what to say and instead squeezed the bread in her hand as if testing the crust.

“Rey,” Leia began hesitantly. “I want to apologize for my son.”

Rey bit her lip, but it seemed that Leia only grew more concerned.

“He hurt you?”

Rey fought against her embarrassment. Leia leaned forward, the sun catching her braided hair so that it seemed it was threaded with silver. 

“I mean, yes, but, after a while…” She paused, and Leia nodded, her dark eyes—just like her sons—fixated on Rey’s. She tried to continue; “He and I…we…”

She couldn’t do it. Why did she have to tell Ren’s mother that they had had sex and now…loved each other? Rey didn’t like thinking about it all herself. 

“It’s  very important that you tell me what happened,” Leia said. “He’s never kept anyone for so long without killing them.”

Rey licked her lips and looked down at her lap and decided to try and just start from the beginning  again .

“ B ecause I could use the force so strongly…he put me in his room. In a room, in his apartment. So I couldn’t escape again. He wouldn’t kill me, because he wanted the map.”

Leia’s face was stone, but her eyes were sharp. If she felt any pain at hearing about this, she masked it well.

“He tried hard to torture it out of me,” Rey said, voice low. “I wouldn’t give in. So then, we made a deal.”

“A deal?” Leia interjected, leaning back.

Rey nodded. “I would allow him to train me…in basic things, not the dark side…and he would stop tormenting me.”

Leia  nodded slowly, but said nothing. 

Rey swallowed and inhaled deeply. “It was strange, but better…but then, he pushed me too hard in training, and I got hurt. I was out for a few days, and when I woke up he was there, and I was in his bed. He kind of…watched over me. Like he was worried.” She clenched her hands together in a big fist. “It was like he was different….and then …” She couldn’t do it. She wouldn’t do it. “H e…kissed me.”

Leia inhaled sharply. “Rey,” she suddenly said. “Did he take advantage of you?”

It was too  late;  Rey knew she was flushed with horrible embarrassment. “No, I mean…We… did but… ”

Leia’s voice lowered. “ Rey, please. I must know.  Did he force himself on you ?”

As Rey looked at the woman, she realized that this wasn’t the General Leia Organa asking anymore. It was a mother, fearing the worst about her son. Her hard set jaw conveyed how tense she was and how much she didn’t want to think or believe that her son would do what she was asking about. Rey tried to say something right away to assuage the woman’s fears,  but it came out as a croak. “It was…consensual.  He didn’t, he wouldn’t…do that.”

Leia’s eyes were full of pain, completely exposed now  as she sank into the  couch’s  back . “He manipulated you.”

That hurt . I t was exactly what  Rey had worried about. But she had felt it, she had felt what he had felt. 

“No, it was…I saw his mind, I felt what he felt. He and I feel…the same.”

Leia said nothing for a long moment, but then Re y felt a subtle swell from her. Leia  concealed herself well, but it felt like her emotions were  almost  as strong as  Kylo’s .  For a moment, s he felt a strong, strong surge of longing. But then she refocused, trying to feel Leia’s emotions closely. But after a moment, the woman’s dark eyes flashed to Rey’s, and Rey felt a steel wall come up, leaving her numb, almost as if she was alone. 

“I see,” Leia said simply, and Rey shifted, uncomfortable.  After a minute, she asked, “You’re certain?”

Rey nodded, the bundle of hair brushing her neck softly as her eyes darted up and then away from the older woman.  She had never been in a conversation this uncomfortable.  Leia, sitting back, suddenly looked much older than before. She gazed at Rey as if trying to see inside her, not with the Force but with her gaze. 

Rey’s brow furrowed and she burst out, “He wasn’t the same as before. It was like he was a different person.” Frustrated she leaned her head on her hand and said, “He was still the same stubborn, selfish, rash, emotional mess, but he was gentle and caring.”

Leia’s features were sharp and  almost fascinated. “And how exactly do you feel ?”

Red again, Rey stammered, “He’s just, I mean, I feel…” She couldn’t get out the words. “He told me that he…loved…me.”

“You care about Ben,” Leia said, softer this time. Rey nodded, throat swelling. She looked down, and realized she was alone, alone here just as she had been before. She had gotten so used to being with Ren, and now she was in completely new place without him. 

“I know how you feel,” Leia suddenly said. “Y our emotions are  strong;  you have no home  or family .  He was someone who made you feel rooted in something.  You want to be as free and independent as you were, but yet …”

Rey swallowed hard, warmth spreading throughout her, turning her into liquid. “It’s hard,” she said, voice  cho king .

Leia reached out to her and folded her into her arms. Rey leaned onto the strong woman’s shoulder and pressed her teary eyes into the woman’s wool vest. A soothing hand pressed into her back as Rey inhaled the  scent of pine. 

“You’ re strong. You ’ll  learn,” Leia said, pressing the younger’s head into her shoulder.

Rey pulled  away after a moment, her face set firm.

“I’ m fine. I’ve never needed anyone before.  I don’t need anyone now. ”

Leia’s face  was nothing but pity. 

“ It’s not the need that hurts, but  the  want,” she said, eyes gentle.

Rey turned her face away from Leia and away from the afternoon light streaming through the window so that her face was shadowed. 

“I have Finn, I have Han to teach me things about ships and flying. BB-8 and  Chewie . You’ve given me a place  here.  I have more than I ever had before,” she argued. “I have to go on as I always did. Ren is who he is, and I won’t stop him.”

Leia nodded, but Rey refused to look at her.

“Rey…You know that you can’t change him.”

“I know.” Rey swallowed and tried to keep herself together.  “May I go? It’s been a while since I slept.”

Leia stood, her shad ow casting over Rey, the light from behind her illuminating  the older  woman’s  figure.

“Of course. We like our soldiers  well rested.”

Rey stood and nodded, and Leia placed her hand on the younger’s shoulder. 

“You’ll always be welcome here. Not only for your skill and drive, but also because  if  my son loves you, you are part of our family. If you need anything, you know who to ask.”

Rey’s face upturned and she felt that same choke in her throat. “Family?”

Leia smiled, her face extraordinarily beautiful when she did. “Family.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for everything guys! I hope you liked this chapter with extra feels. I may have to take another week off because of a sorority thing I'm doing, but I shall return with full force and feels. Your comments and follows and such have renewed me! I hope you all know how much I appreciate it! Y'all give me that REYLO FIRE! And I am so excited about what I have in store for y'all.


	13. Chapter 13

**Ren**

“WHERE IS SHE?”

The moment he regained consciousness, every emotion came rushing back. He could taste the sterile, dry air of the med bay on the back of his tongue, indicating that he had been there for at least a few hours. There was a strange lack of personnel around, mainly droids. Cowards. Too afraid to face him, the weak commander.

Within moments of awakening there was the sharp salt of blood in his mouth. He jerked his arm to find that it was tied down.

He roared.

“Sir! Please sir, you must--!” A med officer had rushed towards him, hands out to try and push him back to the mattress. He did not even get close before Ren had knocked him against the wall.

“GET ME HUX!” He yelled, breaking the arm restraints quickly. He heard the crackle of a trooper’s radio and whipped his head to the door.

“Easy, Ren,” Hux said, stepping neatly through the door, not a bit out of breath. “You’ve barely begun to heal from your little tussle.”

Ren glared at him, his black hair stringy and strewn across his face. They had stripped him of almost everything but his pants, but his chest was so covered with bandages that it was hardly bare. His chest heaved with exertion and rage at the pristine general, even his stance military.

“Where is she?” Ren asked, his dark gaze daring Hux to tell him what he already knew.

“She escaped,” Hux replied calmly.

The room was filled with Ren’s roar, and he lunged at the general.

“Lay back,” Hux snapped as two troopers restrained Ren. “You are so very delicate.”

Hux would die. The moment Ren’s arms were free, he would die.

“I want her!” Ren screamed, fighting against the hard plexi armor of the soldiers. “Bring her to me!” Hair clung to his wet lips and he ignored the tearing pain in his side and cheek as he thrashed. He would have her. No one, no one would stop him. He would taste her flesh once more, reveling in its softness. He would hear her murmur his name, see her smile at him, _because_ of him.

Hux’s boots clicked against the floor as he circled the prostrate commander. “Your incredible ability to focus only on your personal interests has caused quite the damage, Ren.”

Ren bared his teeth. “She was an asset for the First Order. I was under orders from the Supreme Leader!”

“The Supreme Leader cares more about the galaxy than the _girl,”_ Hux snapped. Ren fell silent, his heart thudding in panic for a moment. Was the Supreme Leader angry? Ren would be punished for his weakness. In the end, he would beg for it.

Hux raised his chin so his sharp eyes looked down on Ren’s usually towering frame. “The Supreme Leader is displeased. He had ordered me to collect you and deliver you to him to complete your training.”

Ren sat up sharply, and the troopers jumped to push him back down but he shrugged them off, eyes only on Hux. “He stated this to you?”

Hux gave a dangerous little smile—he knew he had Ren now. “Yes.”

Ren laid back against the damp bedsheets, eyes staring blankly up at the ceiling. Finally, the Supreme Leader had summoned him, in person, for this. He had though this was just another setback—another reason for Snoke to push him to the outer rim with assignments and withhold his presence, his training. Somehow, Leader Snoke had changed his mind.

Ren sighed, letting the idea wash over him. He remembered his Master’s tireless, ruthless, training. There had been many times he had thought he would die. And now…now he would finally complete what he had begun, the deal with the darkness he had made long ago.

“One rule,” Hux said, interrupting his thoughts. Ren’s tired eyes met the General’s, his eyes glittering with something dangerous.

A small smile played at the thin lips, and for a moment all that could be heard was the soft beep of Ren’s heart monitor.

“You must kill the girl.”

~

**Rey**

Today was the day; the day she would meet Luke Skywalker. In her absence, it had been discovered that it was RT-DT who held the rest of the map. Rey met RT and the famous C3PO herself, and was charmed by the smaller droid instantly. He was different than BB-8, with a feisty answer to anything. C3PO was not what she expected at all, but was pleasant enough. However, seeing BB-8 again was the best.

He had rolled right into her legs when he had spotted her until she knelt down and put a hand on his round little base.

“BB-8, I’m so glad to see you!” She had cried.

_“You escaped from that place! I thought you wouldn’t ever come back!”_

She grinned at him. “You think so little of me? Think the First Order would beat me down?”

BB-8 beeped his protests, but she laughed him off. “Thank you for telling them what you saw, and for getting away safely. He couldn’t get a thing out of me, but I’m sure you would have been taken apart!”

BB-8 shrieked his alarm. _“He didn’t take you apart, did he?”_

“He couldn’t of. Not even if he had tried.”

BB-8 rolled back and forth a little shyly. _“I’m sorry I couldn’t help you. I wasn’t fast enough.”_

Rey frowned at her little friend. “Oh hush. You did the best you could. And it was…better this way. Trust me.”

BB-8 questioned her statement, but she just shook her head. She couldn’t tell anyone about her and Ren. Only Leia and Han knew. Leia had asked her if she could tell Han, and Rey had agreed, secretly relieved that she would never have to tell him. But she could immediately tell when Han knew, because he looked at her different and clapped his hand on her shoulder in the mess hall.

“That job offer stands, kid. If you ever get tired of Luke, just give me or Chewie a call.”

She had nodded, breathless at the look in his eyes.

But it had already been decided that she would train with Luke. Chewie and Han would drop her off there since the Falcon wasn’t tracked on their way to try and patch up Han’s last botched job. Rey didn’t get why he, a war hero, wasn’t working with the resistance anymore. But after seeing Leia’s face when he announced his plans, she knew better.

And now, on her last day at the base, Rey had one last string to tie up.

Finn lay quiet as the snowfall on Starkiller. His healing skin was a gentle pink-brown from the multiple bacta treatments, but he hadn’t awoken. Yet. The doctors assured them all that he would wake, that he was still in there.

But not yet.

Rey knelt beside him, took his hand. It was warm, just like it had been on Jakku, on the Falcon. On Starkiller.

She opened her mouth to say something. But then she swallowed hard, licked her lips. Took a breath to try again. But nothing was right.

“I’m sorry, Finn,” she finally said. “It’s my fault you’re hurt. You got caught in Ren and I’s crossfire…Something you didn’t even know about.”

She squeezed his hand, pressed her lips together. “I don’t know how to make this right. I want to. You are…you’re my friend. I never wanted to hurt you. I’m going to find Luke, and I’m sorry I haven’t come sooner. But I’m going to become stronger, strong enough to protect you, and Han, and Leia, and the whole resistance. I know you were against all this, against fighting the First Order. But I’ve been there, and I’ve seen it…There’s so many people like you, Finn. Troopers who deserve real lives. And…Ren. He’s…complicated. I love him. I can’t hide from him, or from anyone.”

Rey touched Finn’s cheek without thinking. “I’ll come back soon. I hope you hear me, somewhere. I hope you understand. I hope that when you wake up, you’ll join us.”

She closed her eyes, trying not to cry. She wished he would say something, something that challenged her and helped her. Finn understood her, somehow. Without Ren, she felt so alone.

After she dropped a quick kiss onto Finn’s forehead, surprising herself with her own tenderness, she headed towards the hangar, where Chewie waited for her.

~

**Ren**

He was desolate.

The Supreme Leader had drawn the line in the sand, had given him the choice now: him or her. The power of the dark side, or his…his love. Ren wanted her, wanted to know she was safe and that she still thought of him the same.  Like his beating heart had been ripped out, he was nothing but a cold, empty shell. At night, he couldn’t sleep; so he stood, resting his forehead against his arm on the glass of his large window, watching the endless sea of black until the stars blurred and stabbed at his vision. She was out there, living, laughing. His Rey.

The darkness was all that was left beside the longing. With Rey, he had still felt so much, still got angry, but it was as if her presence lifted them. The highs of his feelings were joy, not fleeting moments of power. His lows were better than the ones he felt alone.

But she was gone. And he had been ordered to kill her.

His mind fought hard against him, telling him again and again that she wouldn’t return to him. That she was happy to be free of him. That it all had just been a game, a ploy for her freedom. That she found another, found her love and happiness in that traitor of a soldier.

“He could never love her as I do,” he whispered to himself as he stared out into the endless void of space. “Never.” If that was the truth, then perhaps he could kill her out of anger.

“What do I do?” He murmured to his grandfather, who said nothing anymore. “What do I do?

Laying in his rooms, recovering from the severe injuries that had left him scarred, he finally decided.

He could not kill her now. He would go, find her. Capture her. He knew her; she would be with Luke. He would present Luke’s head and Rey’s hand in his to his master, and hopefully that would be enough.

And so, he was exactly where he was months ago, before everything. Before her. Starkiller was destroyed, the Republic was no more, and Rey was gone. And once again, Ren took his ship back and set the course to find Luke Skywalker.

**Rey**

The island was just like the one in her dreams. All green and grey, stone and grass. Beautiful. A pathway of rock was imbedded in the long side of the island, leading up to where she already knew she’d find Luke. The Force thrummed quietly, almost like ripples in the pond. She could feel his subtle, quiet presence. Her stomach was knotted with nerves and tension so she was sure her arrival was broadcasted to him and any other Force-sensitive creature on the planet.

She had said goodbye to Chewbacca and began her trek up and up, around and around. The warm sun that fell on her shoulders was welcome and only made the island feel more familiar. The air was wetter, heavier than Jakku, but not jarring.

The sun was low in the sky when a lone figure rose into her view. She trekked up the hill in larger strides now, so eager, yet so afraid. Luke. Luke Skywalker, in front of her.

He turned and his arms went to draw his hood down to reveal the face of an old man. The only thing that was the same as the stories were the piercing blue eyes, like piece of the sky. Yet even in their lightness, there was an exhaustion she saw too often in the faces of the old and starved on Jakku.

She hesitated for a moment before her thoughts connected, and she hurried to extend her gift to him that she had brought: his father’s lightsaber.

There was a long, long moment of stillness and quiet. His eyes did not stray from hers, not even to the saber. He knew what it was. And then, finally his voice echoed from his throat into the air.

“I don’t train padawans anymore.”

She swallowed and felt a swell of rejection. But she had known, somehow, that he would be reluctant.

“You know who I am, then?” She asked.

A low hum came from the back of his throat. “No, not really. But I feel what you are, and I have seen you in a vision.”

She nodded slowly. “Well, then I will not be a padawan,” she looked up to meet his eyes again with a confidence she didn’t know she had. “Let me be a friend.”

He stared at her again with the silence. She frowned a little and pushed her arm a little closer to him. Finally, he slowly reached out and took it.

“Friend,” he repeated, and she nodded. “Then I suppose this is a gift.”

Rey nodded, buns bobbing against her scalp. “Yes…but not really from me. From Leia.”

An eyebrow was raised, followed by a small sigh. “You better come in and tell me how she got it, then.” He told her. “Because the last time I saw this it was in my own hand.”

She glanced down at the outstretched limb and realized that his forearm was mostly gone, all metal now. Her brow furrowed, for the prosthetics she had seen were much less…primitive, at least in the resistance.

“The hand you lost to Vader?” She asked, and he nodded before turning to lead her away.

“The lightsaber passed from him to me,” Luke said so quietly she could almost not hear him as they walked. “When it was lost, I knew it was a sign. I would practice the old Jedi ways and not pass on any of my sabers. The line would not continue. It was too dangerous. But Leia…She always has done things her own way. And we had hoped…we had hoped to triumph the darkness in our blood with nurture…but we three all failed at that, as I’m sure you know.”

Rey swallowed. He did not know about her and Ren. He did not really know about her at all. Yet he spoke with such familiarity, sort of…like he did know. It troubled her. Only Ren and her had ever spoken that way, and that was because they had peeked into each other’s mind and knew what the other knew and could speak without assumption. Ren had told her Luke was powerful—was he powerful enough to look into her mind without her knowing?

“You are afraid of something that is impossible. I may sense your feelings in the force around you, but I do not force myself into other’s heads like a darksider,” Luke cut in, his voice a little accusatory.

Rey flushed and replied, “I know very little of Jedi.” She had been holed up with Ren this whole time, how was she to know?

Luke did not reply as he ducked into a stone and wood hut, built into a cave. It was all shadows inside until Luke lit a lamp with fire. The lack of electricity surprised Rey; did he not have any solar panels?

“Who are you?” He asked, and Rey jumped a little, casting him a cautious glance.

“Rey…of Jakku.” In front of a legened, a _Skywalker,_ she was never more aware that she had no last name.

“Sit.”

She sat on a stump stool and leaned forward onto the rough hewn table.

“Will you train me?” She asked.

He said nothing, only stirred something that had already been cooking on the stove. She grew impatient.

“Please,” she said. “I have to become stronger. I have to—“

“Save him?”

She was surprised at the sadness in Luke’s eyes.

“No. I just…” She couldn’t think of anything to say and instead ducked her chin down to look away.

Luke sighed and turned his body away to fetch two dented metal bowls.

“Here, you’re safe from the war,” Luke said. “You can do what you need to do. You’re troubled, full of fear. That leads to the dark side.”

He set down a bowl of soup in front of her and nodded towards a crude door Rey hadn’t noticed at first. “You are welcome to stay here for as long as you need.”

Rey shoved a few spoonfuls of the stew into her eager mouth before answering. “But you won’t train me?”

Luke met her gaze. “The way of the Jedi is over. I will train no one.”

She set down her spoon unhappily. What was she to do? How could she improve without a teacher? Should she fight him on this? If he was as stubborn as his nephew, it was not promising. But he interrupted her thoughts before she could decide.

“Tell me, Rey of Jakku. What have you seen?”

~

_She was in Naboo again._

She was standing on the balcony, waiting. Wanting. For a moment she was alone, and then she turned. There was no sound, no indication he was there, but she knew.

He was all in black, and his face was just as she remembered then; calm, observant, hesitant. When their eyes met, his shoulders relaxed and his relief was obvious.

“Rey,” he sighed, stepping towards her.

Her arms went around her as if to hold herself together. Something jumped and struggled in her to go to him, but she kept getting flashes of crazed eyes and pain, so much pain.

“Rey,” he said again, almost to her now. She caught the sight of his eyes, tender now, and let go.

She was in his arms, burying her face into his shoulder, holding on tight. “Ren…” she murmured. There was no gash on his face, no evil present now.

“My love,” he mumbled into her hair. “Here you are.”

She nodded, surprised at the tears stinging her eyes. She pressed them into the material of his shirt.

“Are you alright?” He asked.

“Yes.” She whispered. “I’m…I’m ok.”

He brought her face back with his large hands in order to look at her closely. He laid gentle, light kisses on her cheeks and lips, and she held back a sob.

“Tell me you love me,” she asked. He looked surprised, and then concerned. His thumb stroked her cheek and his head tilted.

“I love you, Rey. Have you forgotten?”

She shook her head and dove back into the crook of his neck.

“Sweet Rey,” Ren murmured. “Precious, precious Rey.”

Her body was trembling, she could feel her legs shake so she clutched him all the closer.

“You’re different,” he muttered, confused. She shook her head again, the buns brushing against her sun-warmed neck.

“I’m not,” she insisted.

He pulled back to look at her again. “What’s wrong?”

Realization flooded through her as she looked at his concerned eyes, and she wanted to laugh. Of course this wasn’t real. Again, she was torn. She was home here, in his arms. He even _smelled_ the same, lovely and comforting.

She stared up at him.

“Kiss me.”

His lips on hers was as familiar as falling into sleep. She felt heady with his touch, his love that she had been so denied in the days before. He crushed her to him, but his lips were only eager, not demanding. She nipped at his lip, begging entrance, and their tongues caressed sweetly. His fingers threaded through her hair to cup the back of her head, his thumb gently brushing the nape of her neck.

Again and again they kissed, only parting for gasps of air. She didn’t want to leave the high place of warmth and safety she was in. There was no war, no fear, no pain. There was just them, their love, and a gnawing hunger.

She was weak with the feeling, or maybe lack of air. When her lips began to still, he pulled back, his expression devoted.

“What did you eat last?” He asked, and she laughed a bit breathlessly.

“Berries,” she said, dimly remembering a dented bowl of purple and red fruit in a dimly lit cave.

“I can taste them.”

She suddenly felt numb. Her little smile slipped from her and she swallowed hard.

“No,” She replied softly. “You can’t.”

The look he gave her hurt, hurt so badly she awoke with a gasp.

Alone in a hard cot, the only sound she could hear was the crackle of fire from the other room. Although she was covered in a sheen of sweat, Rey clutched the scratchy blanket to her body. Just a moment ago it had been him.

Wetness on her cheeks proved too salty to be sweat. She wanted so badly to be there, back in her dream. It had been so real. She hated herself and held her dream as a secret in the dark. She couldn’t want that. She wouldn’t want that.

The man she wanted was just a dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for everything! Sorry it took so long, but I've been busy and this part's a little hard to write. I prefer the constant reylo, lol. Your comments mean everything! Thank you!


	14. Chapter 14

**Rey**

Days passed into a blur. Rain fell, mists came, and the island was quiet, always quiet. The supplies Luke had shown her held many useful things. Wooden rods, texts, diagrams, training helmets and bots. Luke refused the old lightsaber and gave it back to her, preferring his green one.

"It has less blood on it," he said bluntly.

It was solid, heavy. Her fingers traced the metal ridges and bumps, comparing it to what she had seen of Kylo's.

He had not held it around her very often, as if he knew that the violent, angry red blade had not belonged to the man he was with her. Despite the burns he had given her with it, she had shown no fear towards it. No, it was he who had fear in his eyes when she had picked it up once from the steel night table. Almost as if he knew, as if he could have seen what mark she would leave on him with a saber.

He had no scar, no mark in her dreams.

Sometimes while in the forest, attempting to replicate a form she saw only in a holo, she felt a dark presence. For a moment, she was left breathless from recognition and shock at how dark he had become. But it was only a whisper of a sense, no words, no voice. Just as if, for a moment, he had reached out across the galaxy. Yearning.

If the war raged on, she knew nothing of it. She felt like a coward. She wasn't training with Luke, becoming stronger like she had told Finn. He wouldn't teach her. So what was she doing here?

Luke watched her struggle without comment. No helpful hint, no encouragement. Only a faraway look as she swung the saber again and again in a clearing, the quiet hum of the blade the only artificial sound in on the island.

Why?

The nights fell into comfortable pattern of describing _before._ They swapped sand saturated stories of hardship and confusion over abilities they didn't know existed. The hot suns of their childhoods made Luke's accounts of racing and Rey's tales of scavenging even more vivid.

Rey was most fascinated by the wood all around them. Small wooden carvings were scattered all around the entire cavern, creatures smooth and light and _warm._ They weren't slick, cold steel. You could hold them in your hands and feel the delicateness of it. Luke made them with a small knife, and before long, Rey began to wield a similar one as they sat by the fire.

"There were no trees on Tatooine," Luke told her. "When I left the planet I couldn't believe they were real. You place your hand on the tree and you can feel the quiet force inside it."

Rey nodded absently, staring hard at the little bird she was trying to make. "There weren't any on Jakku, either."

Luke nodded in return. "And now?"

Rey looked up into the fire and frowned. "I wasn't…It felt familiar. I was shocked more by the color than the presence. I touch a tree and hear an echo of a sound I've heard before."

Luke didn't answer, but stroked his beard once before returning to his carving. There was something akin about the two of them, a comradery that felt natural. But he didn't know the dark eyes that watched Rey at night.

Sometimes he was angry, a horrid replay of that terrible, terrible day. The red shadows of his face haunted her in the dark. But then there were the long tender fingers grazing her skin; soft lips and the brush of his dark hair. She woke up with tight longing in her chest.

It was nothing, she thought. She wanted to believe him, but she saw now the danger that had lurked beneath his love the entire time. Maybe she could leave it behind. Her heart wanted to. But her head wouldn't stop.

**Ren**

He had to backtrack. Rey had seen the map, but she wouldn't have been alone. He tried to remember the thought he had seen when he first knew she had seen the map. She had first thought of the traitor, and then Han, and, with a spike of panic, that he was in her head and she had seen the map.

He wouldn't doubt that the two men had seen the map as well. Han Solo would be hard to catch and was not someone Ren wanted to chase. What his Master would think…

That left the coward traitor.

There was a man Ren wouldn't mind getting his hands on.

The Supreme Leader wouldn't speak to him, guide him. Not until he proved his loyalty. Without Rey, he was drowned in a sea of his darkness. His only light was her. But she was so far, a single star in the distance.

He avoided sleep, his bed. It was cold without her and his dreams, nightmarish. His love was tearing him apart, slowly.

He was becoming weaker without her. He needed her with him. The longer she was away, the more he lost control. Two ships had been destroyed, 3 troopers killed. All from his rage that he was trying so hard to contain.

She screamed in his dreams, or rather, his nightmares. She fought him, hated him, killed him. She suffered, cried, died. By his hand. It was torture to sleep, and he found his own memories strange, dark things that barely contained the light he had felt. Her eyes glittered with intent, her lips curved into a malicious sneer. Was it his dreams that kept influencing him? He knew, he _knew_ that it was not so. Carefully, he cradled a few untainted moments close to his heart.

She loved him. He loved her. It wasn't so complicated. The world made it complicated.

He repeated his mantra to himself every day, hating everything around him more and more. Everything but her was bad, dripping in despair and malice. He ate and slept only for her, to keep himself alive. Soon, he would have her. Soon.

When he landed on Tython, his skin was ash, the circles under his eyes a bruised purple. His cheekbones were prominent, the grey skin stretched tight over the bone. His eyes darted dangerously around the silent mist, his force probing all over in search. The traitor was here, somewhere.

The place was only ruins. Barren fields and hollowed trees, dry gullies reminding the trespassers that this planet was only an echo of what it had been. Once, it had been a place drenched in the Force and teeming with water, plants, life. But war had taken everything it could, and it was nothing now—nothing except a perfect place to hide. Like Jakku, it was inconspicuous in its uselessness. But Ren was relentless, he searched every dustbin, followed every hint of the traitor. And finally, he had tracked him down.

"Sir, we scanned the perimeter upon arrival. There's nothing—"

"Hush," Ren snapped at the trooper. "Do not test my patience. I know the Force."

Silence fell upon the group as they waited tensely. No one wanted to be his next victim.

Ren closed his eyes and inhaled deeply through his breathing apparatus. Focus, focus.

There.

He turned back towards the group, his singed cloak billowing out into the damp air. "He's below the surface. Ready your troop for a manual scan. There's a way down, somewhere."

**Rey**

She threw the wooden rod down in front of Luke's feet where he sat. "Fight me," She said.

Luke's frown forbid her from asking again, and he stood, interrupting his previous meditation stance.

She kicked the dowel towards him until it tapped his heels. "Fight me, Luke."

He was quiet, and he did not turn to face her. "Do you really think you will achieve this through your method?"

She rolled her eyes and scratched her head. "I'm not asking you to train me. I just…I need someone to fight with. I cannot mar every tree. People move, trees don't. I can't spar with a tree."

Luke shook his grey head and began leaving the clearing he so often meditated in. Rey scooped up the rod and jogged after him.

"Luke, please," she begged. She had grown strong on her own through forms and manual labor on Jakku. But this, the force and the saber, it was different. She _needed_ someone. She was trying and trying and trying, but it was like throwing herself against a wall.

"No," Luke said shortly, but it was terse, angry. She bit her lip then ploughed forward to stop and face him.

"Luke," she argued. "I can't do this on my own. I want to—I have to become stronger. Please…help me." She held out the rod to him, almost exactly how she had held the lightsaber.

Luke's eyes drew in, darkening the light blue, and with a swipe of his hand the rod went flying across the grass.

"Do you know what you're doing, what you're asking?" He asked. "You don't understand—this quest to become stronger, to be able to best him and turn him over to the light—it's hopeless!"

Her lips parted and she stared in shock, but he continued.

"You are just like him," Luke scowled. "You are driven by passion and obsession! I will not build you up to be torn down and destroyed by him—not again."

Luke pushed right past her and she inhaled, trying hard to draw herself back up from the jumble of words that weighed on her. She shook her head and then shouted: "No!"

Luke turned. Rey strode right up to him and jabbed his robed chest, her eyes snapping with rage.

"I don't live for him. I don't do this for him. I care about my friends, and all the people who suffer now because people like you bury their heads under the sand because they were beat once."

The older man's mouth twisted, but she wouldn't let him speak.

"I am not obsessed with Kylo Ren. I am not driven by Kylo Ren. I want so much more—I want peace and a chance to just…have a life with friends, and not worrying about my next meal or the First Order!" She exploded. "I want my friends to be safe and I want…I want there to be a chance for us all. Even Ren."

She shook her head. "As long as there is so much…imbalance, I cannot rest. It's not right. People are suffering, dying. I love Ren. Your father loved you. You never beat him, did you? You triumphed because your father _loved you._ "

She brought the heel of her heand to her eyes. "I can't change Ren's mind about anything. I can't beat him. If I did, it would only be to kill him. He has to make that choice, not me. So don't…don't act like I'm some naïve little scavenger who would do anything for a man. _That's not me._ That will _never_ be me!"

Luke was old. His face sagged gently over his skull, and his lips frowned gently. But the startled, light blue eyes were young and bright, and they stared straight at her as she steeled herself for his rebuttal.

He swallowed, tried to speak. Finally he said, "I am my father's son."

Rey's damp brow furrowed. "What?"

Luke gave a funny little smile and shook his head at the ground. "It's something Obi-Wan said to me once when I was young and foolish. My father was rash and thoughtless sometimes, and I see now that even after all this time I am still just the same."

Rey licked her lips and took a step closer. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?"

Luke looked tired, but he nodded. "I was wrong."

She tried not to look shocked, but felt her eyes widen anyways.

"Tomorrow," Luke said, and turned back to the hut.

"Tomorrow," she echoed. Rey stood still for a moment, watching his retreating back in the evening light before following him into the cave.

**Ren**

It was strangely familiar. The scar was still puckered and long, curving around his skull beneath the dark little curls of hair that had grown while the wound healed. Like Ren's, it had not returned to the same color it was before, marring the entire stretch of skin across the back of the traitor's head. _I made this_ , Ren thought to himself. He felt a bit of disgust, but also a bit of pride when he looked at it. He couldn't decide which one he was angry at.

"Let me go," the traitor spit as Ren held his skull. He had been searching for her, for his Rey. What had she looked like the last time the traitor had seen her? Did she smell the same, or had she adapted the rusty scent each resistance fighter bore so proudly when they crawled out of their secret bases?

To his bitter disappointment, the traitor hadn't seen her. There was only a whisper of her, speaking to him while he was still unconscious.

_"You're my friend…become stronger…so many…Ren…love him….can't hide…I'll come back soon."_

It was almost nothing, but her voice still brushed against his mind softly, like a kiss. He had become lost in it and completely lost the traitor's mind completely, instead letting his own thoughts wander to the sight of the other man's scar.

"Quiet," he ground out, his face so close to the other man's temple. He had to focus! He needed the map.

He rifled through the man' feelings, thoughts, memories without emotion. When he finally reached a wall, he lips quirked into a frightening little grin. The traitor had so little to hide, it was easy to find within the drudgery of a storm trooper's life. Here, Rey glowed like a small star.

He watched the memory, once, twice, three times. Frustration built as he realized that it was only a portion…and useless to him. Ren retreated back from the traitor's mind with a gasp from both, and after a distorted moment he regained his own self.

"You monster!" FN-2187 roared, and spit onto the dusty ground near Ren's boots. The former trooper had been down a small, dry tunnel about 3 miles from where they landed. In an old rebellion hideout from the days of the Empire, the traitor had made his home here. And when he had seen the First Order come through the tunnel, he had nowhere to bolt to.

Angry over his discovery, Ren decided his own troops had suffered enough.

"Where is she?" He growled, crushing the traitor's jaw in his gloved hand. The man laughed crazily.

"Nowhere where you can find her," He replied. "I told them not to tell me—I knew you'd come. I knew you'd come looking for me. But I won't let you have her, you disgusting, deranged—"

Ren silenced him with a blow straight across his cheek. Beneath the dark skin, blood flowed into the area and began to throb.

"She is _mine,_ " He hissed possessively. "She loves _me."_

The captain behind him shifted uncomfortably, and Ren knew he was looking like a jealous, lovesick fool. But the traitor's eyes had mocked him! He was keeping her from him!

"Kill me," FN-2187 spat. "Or submit me for…for reconditioning! I have nothing for you!"

The traitor was not lying. His mind had been easy to pry open and dissect, a reflection of Hux's dear program. Finally, that man had proved himself somewhat useful. But the reward was not what had been anticipated.

"You both only saw a portion," Ren said outloud to himself. "So when she came to me, she was protecting…a small bit of the map. And she knew that."

"You mean when you captured her," the traitor growled.

But Ren was busy. This meant two things: one, she had seen the full map on the base she was on before she left, then. While the traitor was unconscious. And two: she had resisted him, endured the torture, all for a sliver of a map that would have helped him so little. The idea was overwhelming—she could have given him that in good confidence that it would not directly lead him to Luke Skywalker and avoided it all. But his stubborn, willful, beautiful girl had refused to even give an inch. She was _good_ , so _strong…_ Ren could barely stand it. Oh, how he ached to be encased in her light again. Oh how he wanted her warmth and strength to flow through him again when he held her close, so close, in his arms.

With a start, he connected the dots. Where would the rest of the map be? What would it be that it was successfully transported from base to base, enabling his mother to be hidden and justified in bringing it? A ship? A data pad? Or perhaps, she had not even known…or else she would have sent her pilot to Lor long ago. It was Luke, only Luke who had hidden it. And his mother had two things that he had also had: C3PO and R2-D2. Within one of them lay the map.

Yes, this made this more complicated. Yes, it would involve more time and energy before he could have his Rey again. But now it was obvious, two puzzle pieces slipping into each other flawlessly. And his other had had it the whole time! Damn Skywalker. Ren should have known.

A struggle from the traitor attracted Ren's attention again, and something sparked inside him, lighting the flame that had been so dim lately.

"I don't think death would be best for you," he told the traitor. "Nor reconditioning."

Ren smiled within his mask. "I think you'll be more useful coming with us."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is late. With my sorority and midterms, life's been crazy! Your regular update schedule shall resume. And don't worry about Romeo and Juliet here, they shall be reunited soon. I also have a tumblr, username alicecantescape if you ever want to ask me questions or check me out there. Leave me comments so I can push onward to the next chapter. And be on the lookout for an extra ficlet, coming soon. Creative juices are a-flowing.


	15. Chapter 15

**Rey**

It was the strangest training Rey could have imagined. Granted, she had never, ever had any kind of formal training before. But the constant running, meditation, and concentration methods seemed tame at first. But then he’d ask her to balance on only her arms and flip over a large rock again and again. The first few tries of both exercises resulted in bruises, bumps and scrapes.

And he wouldn’t answer many questions. If she asked why, a simple smile was all she got.

“Once, I asked that myself,” he asked. “But no one can answer that with words.”

He was more cryptic now, but it didn’t seem like he didn’t want to answer her. It just seemed like he was confident that there _was_ no answer. The refusing responses to her curiosity was almost cruel, for she burned with it.

“Why must balance?” She asked him once. “I have good balance already.”

“You have good strength and flexibility,” Luke admitted. “More than I had at your age. And you are more patient. But you must hone your skills. Quick reflexes and sheer strength can drive your moves, but only with careful precision can you best anyone in a fight.”

She cocked her head at him and sighed. She could hit a target with a knife, block many hits with her staff. Wasn’t that skill?

As if he could read her mind, he added, “Jedi don’t have to be big or physically robust to be victorious. Jedi are so strong in so many circumstances because the Force is what makes you strong. The sharpness of your skill gives you the upper hand and can take out even those stronger than you.”

She nodded, it making sense now. Kylo was all brute strength, even as unpracticed as she was she could see it. But if she had had more experience, more knowledge of when to move and where to strike, perhaps it would have been different. Luck had worked in her favor, but it may not the next time.

_The next time._

She didn’t ever want to see that again. His fury, his desperation, it had hurt her. In the dim mornings when she had to rise from her cot, she wished she could just sleep. Just to hear his voice—not the angry, forceful voice from that day—but the one that held a curl of amusement and a whisper of his love. She wanted him so much sometimes that it hurt, aching in her chest.

It distracted her, and Luke knew it.

“Focus!” He barked as she lifted a medium sized boulder with the force, tossing it up and down in the air.

“I am,” she grit out. But the boulder faltered in the air and then fell to the ground with a thud as it hit the soft ground.

“You distracted me,” she said, exasperated.

“No,” Luke countered. “You were thinking not of the present, but the past.”

“Stay out of my head,” she clipped. She didn’t want anyone in her head, not Luke, not Ren, not _anyone._

Luke sighed. “Practice some more. I’ll start dinner.”

She frowned and tried to focus on the task at hand. But just as she began, Luke’s voice cut through her concentration.

“He’s coming.”

She whipped her head around, her arms coming down from her knees to the grass. “Who? Is it—“

She trailed off, ashamed of the question on her lips. But Luke’s face was one of horror.

“Somehow, he knows. After all this time…”

She pushed herself up to standing. “Luke?”

His pale blue eyes focused on her again. “Kylo Ren.”

A chill went through her. “How--?”

“I had a vision.”

She drew back a little, remembering the visions she had when touching Luke’s saber. She wouldn’t think of that, no. She couldn’t.

“We have to leave,” Luke announced.

He turned and she jogged to catch up to him, the salty wind pushing back.

“Luke, you need to go to the Resistance.”

Luke turned on her, face contorted. “And lead him right to it?”

She shook her head. “He wants me. I know it. I’ll-I’ll go somewhere else.”

Luke gave her a shrewd look. “Don’t assume so much, Rey. He wants much more than his pride.”

She pressed her lips together firmly. Damn Ren! Damn him and his pig-headed ways! Just as she had begun to learn, just as she was starting to understand…

“Rey, there’s not much time. The moment he gets close enough to sense us is when it will be impossible to get away in the ship I have.”

Rey swallowed. “You were right about the Resistance, but…we have to split up. We can’t give him the chance to get both of us in one swoop.”

Luke was silent for a moment, his hood swaying in the wind. Rey licked her chapped lips.

“He would not be able to best us both,” he said. Rey nodded.

“But we need to be careful,” she warned. “He…he’s…I’m not strong enough.”

Luke watched her with eyes that knew too much. He knew what she meant. She still loved him; it was too soon. It been so hard to leave him once, and she wasn’t strong enough in the force or in her heart to strike him down once more. She couldn’t even think of killing him, neverless attempt it.

Slowly, Luke nodded and cast his eye to the grey-blue sky. “I have one ship,” he said quietly.

“He won’t hurt me,” she replied.

They met eyes and he sighed.

“I will finish your training,” he promised. “You must practice, even in the face of adversity.”

“I will,” she whispered, tasting the salt of the sea on her lips. Something in her twisted.

“Don’t have fear,” he told her. “It is the path to the dark side. You are strong, and when you need it, the Force will guide you.”

He left to gather a few things in their cave. Rey went to pull the old ship from the bigger, hidden cave on the other side of the island. By the time Luke rounded the path, she had it up and running again.

“May the Force be with you,” she said quietly, and her master smiled.

“And with you,” he replied. She left him to walk into the trees. She didn’t want to see his ship disappear into the sky, but she still heard the boom of his hyperdrive as he left the atmosphere.

She swallowed hard. She was alone.

~

**Ren**

It had taken weeks. The traitor had held up for so long before Ren broke him. But, as Ren fondly told him, he had been _made_ for this. From birth troopers were groomed to be submissive, fearful. Yet this one held a spark, just like his Rey…

Oh, her.

She was so close. He could taste her skin under his tongue, could feel her hair through his fingers. Soon, soon, she would be there in front of him again.

He knew he had wronged her, but he just needed time. Time to get her back, to show her how good he could be to her. His mind throbbed with pain whenever he tried to think of their times together, of her words. He remembered, dimly, that she had wanted her freedom. And he would give it, freely this time. When they were both ready.

The traitor laid bruised and broken in his ship. From his mind, Ren had wrestled the planet the resistance’s small base was on that Finn had been on with his mother. Of course she wouldn’t stay on a large one; she wouldn’t risk her life—and political career.

Spies had to be carefully trained and sent in. Only one had a passable ID code and matching facial recognition. Their disguise had worked well, but the fate of the mission was only on the one woman’s shoulders.

Still, she delivered. From C3PO, she wrestled a copy of his memory of the map. It would have been impossible to try such a thing on R2D2, who had created several passcodes and technical walls that only he himself knew. Even Ren couldn’t read a droid’s mind.

But the spy had been trained in the highest technological advances, and Ren had been able to provide her with inner knowledge of C3PO’s workings. She was able to do a temporary wipe of his short term memory after the copy was taken. And most importantly, the spy made it back and personally placed the drive into Ren’s hand.

Luke, the crafty devil. But he couldn’t hide. Ren’s anger and despair were replaced with a rush of _power_ and excitement. Hux would be angry to find out that Ren had done the impossible and successfully implemented a spy and the resistance but only used it for his own gain. But that’s what he deserved after how he tattled to the Supreme Leader.

But now, _but now,_ he had the location. He had the traitor. He had his ship, complete with the latest, fastest hyperdrive. He was ready, ready to finally have his love in his arms again. Something in his head whispered of disapproval, warned him how unhappy, how angry she would be. But he brushed it away. She had said she loved him. He clung to that, avoiding mirrors to deny himself of the scar she bore him in order to escape. He loved her. That was one fact he knew for sure, in his deep, dark heart. It was strong and unyielding. She was his just as much as he was hers.  

They drew close to the small, small planet. Ahch-to was primarily an aquatic planet, which is why Luke and Rey were settled on an island. The island Ren had seen in Rey’s head, in her dreams. He was lucky, so lucky to know exactly where they were. He was saved combing the planet for her.

“She’ll never give into you,” the traitor hissed, inturrupting Ren’s thoughts. With a quiet but feral growl, Ren turned to the man.

FN-2187 was strapped into a black seat, his hands and ankles cuffed. Dried blood was spotted here and there, crumbling black on the man’s dark skin. Bruises rippled in color on his skin. But the gleam in the traitor’s eye told Ren that he was far from undone, and slowly Ren began to worry that bringing him for leverage wasn’t the best idea.

Rey would be so very angry at him. He had forgotten that FN-2187 was her _friend._ To Ren, he was nothing but an enemy. But this was bad, very bad. Yet it could not be undone. Chest tight and thoughts racing, he began to panic.

Oh she would hate him even more for this. He had thought it was a clever plan, to make her board the ship to save the former trooper. Going without a fight. But this, he saw now, would hurt her. Now, landing on this far, forgotten planet, he thought so much clearer.

“TW-7932,” he barked. “Clean the prisoner up and apply bacta.”

At the traitor’s surprised expression, he added, “And put him in the back.”

Idly, he wondered if it would be any worse if he had just killed the traitor. Which would be worse; Rey seeing her friend like this, or finding out that he was dead?

No, no, he couldn’t do that. Damn this _compassion._

As the traitor was dragged out, he laughed at Ren.

“She already knows you are a monster. Now she will be reminded. Nothing you do will change her mind!”

Damn it damn it damn it.

Ren steeled himself, closing his eyes and remembering her touch. Soon, soon.

There was no place to land, not really. The terrain was too rocky. So the ship dropped Ren off, alone, at a dock and went to hover in the distance. It could rest on the water, but Ren had no idea what kind of life lay below the surface, and he wasn’t about to find out.

He could _feel_ her again. He sensed her lifeforce, felt her presence like a caress. So lovely. But he was jolted out of his reverie the moment he realized that he sensed only her. Luke wasn’t here. There was a silent trace, but he was gone.

Damn him!

Ren struggled to keep himself from destroying the terrain around him. His master would be displeased. It would look like Ren was only here for Rey. But Luke had been here, and Rey would know where he had gone. Together they would find him. How had he known? How had he left in such a short time?

Ren needed to focus. He took some deep breaths and realized her was still wearing his helmet. He pushed the release and set it down on a rock near the dock where he could retrieve it later. Doing it gave him a surge of excitement he had had before. Soon he would see her with his own eyes.

As he began the trek up where he sensed her, he cautiously scanned her force. She was surprisingly calm, and she was not fleeing. Surely she felt him. Perhaps—perhaps she was waiting for him. A dry swallow made his eyes be cast up from the ground to the top, in hopes of seeing her figure. But there was nothing.

Finally, he was at the top, and there she was. She was sitting in a meditative position away from him, but from the arch in her spine, he could tell she knew he was there.

“Rey,” he said, and his voice betrayed his longing. She straightened, her back rolling up. He turned her head so that her buns swept across the base of her creamy neck until the fringe of her eyelashes and hazel of her eyes could be detected.

“Ren.” She answered flatly.

He took a few steps and then stopped. Here they were, and he couldn’t find his words.

She didn’t wait for him to gather his thoughts. She stood, turning to see him. Her saber—Luke’s saber—was strapped to her hip. The old man must have refused it. Her expression was serious and drawn—almost unhappy. A swell of sadness went through him.

“I have your friend,” he blurted out.

Her whole expression changed, giving her away as usual. She was shocked, and his ears began to burn with embarrassment.

“FN-2187,” He continued haltingly. “I captured him, to find you.”

Panic flit across her face. “You hurt him?”

How he wished he could say no. His silence was her answer.

Her face contorted into rage. “You—how—“ She shook her head. “Take me to him! N, bring him to me. Right now!”

“He’s fine,” Ren cut in coldly. “He’s been cared for. I knew—I realized—that you would not want him hurt.”

“Damn right,” she spit. “You goddamn asshole. So happy to see that you’ve changed.”

Unwanted, a strange thrill went through him. How he wanted to sweep her into his arms. She was passionate, and he felt so akin to her strength.

She tried to brush past him to go down to the dock, to find her friend. But he stepped in front of her, being careful not to reach out and touch as he desired. He knew it would be unwelcome.

“I had to see you. I want you to come back home with me.”

She gave a funny chortle. “Don’t talk as if you are a spurned lover,” she snapped. “What you’ve done is unforgivable. And this, this is my home.”

His chest tightened. “You do not miss me at all?”

Something in her face softened in the dusky light. “Don’t make this about you. You torture my friend, hunt me down—and ask me if I miss you?”

“Yes. Answer me.”

Her gaze hardened and she came close, very close. With the breeze blowing towards him, he could smell her scent.

“I don’t take orders from you,” she hissed.

Always, she had to argue and misinterpret. How could he have forgotten the most annoying thing about her? Other than the fact that she thought that light would triumph dark.

“Now you’re the one being ridiculous,” he retorted. “I miss you like I miss the sun. I cannot sleep for fear that every rebel base we attack will hold you. Just tracking you down was a miracle…I could not sense you. And I have so many…thoughts. They torture me.”

She tilted her head. “What thoughts?” He said nothing. “Ren?”

Defenses lowered, he replied, “Doubts. Like my memories have been twisted. I can see you, detesting me…hating me…deceiving me…”

She stepped back. “Stop. I can’t—I can’t do this, Ren.”

“Do what?”

She shook her head again. “Bring me Finn.”

He wished he could explain. She didn’t know the dark haunting images that crept in, subtle manipulations of his recollections. A deceitful smile on her lips as they swam, laughter in her eyes as he confessed of his pain. So real. And so terrifying.

“Come with me. I need you with me. Let me make things right between us; I am sorry, truly sorry for what happened.”

“Ren-“

Panic rose in him and he threw away her hands and tightened his fists. “No! You don’t understand.”

Her expression tightened. “Yes I do! You’re selfish. You will do anything to get what you want!” She replied, frustrated. For a moment, he tried to collect himself.

“I am asking you for this,” he warned. “I want to repent for what I did.”

“You are not sorry! You did the same thing twice! You hurt my friend, captured him, then hurt him again!”

“I didn’t—I see now that it was a mistake.” His face burned. “But I had to find you. I could think of no other way.”

“Excuses, always excuses and denial.”

He didn’t know what to say. She stared at him, waiting.

“I came for you, Rey,” he finally told her. All emotion slid from her face as shock replaced it. And then anger.

“You’ve come to take me prisoner? As a hostage? You’ve gone back and decided you want another round?” She snapped. “You’ll break your word _again?_ ”

His brow furrowed, she thought he didn’t care about her. “Don’t be ridiculous,” he retorted. “I may be going back on my word, but it’s for a good cause. I want to fix this. I love you.”

She laughed bitterly, her body language changing into a defensive pose. This wouldn’t be easy. “Your good is never good.”

“I will not let you be harmed because you are determined to die for a pack of fools,” he rumbled.

“This isn’t about my safety; it’s you being selfish.”

He gritted his teeth. “So be it,” he growled. “Come, Rey. Don’t make me fight you.” Inhaling deeply, he reached out to her.

Her eyes narrowed and in a moment, her lightsaber was ready and lit. “Don’t act as if my safety is the cause of this or that you being sorry is the reason. I’m not forcing your hand. You decide whether you will fight, not me.”

“No.” He would not duel her. He was too unstable; he would lash out. Luckily, he had trained more in this way, for her mind was strong, much stronger than her fighting skills. He held out his hand and she stepped back, immediately realizing his intent. She put up a fight, brow furrowed and walls put up as he fought to force her to sleep. She thrashed in his grasp, pushed back with her mind, but he burst through her defenses.

He went to her and took her in his arms, locked with her lightsaber still in hand. Rey leaned down, tried to bite him.

Her lips parted and he detested himself for the fear in her eyes. Her lightsaber dropped as he forced her hands open, and she resisted him. She had become stronger, and he had to concentrate hard to do what he had done before. Sweat glistened on his brow, but after a long moment her eyes rolled back and she finally fell.

Just as before, he held her close. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, pressing his lips to her forehead. She smelled of roses and grass, completely undiluted. Something within him eased.

Turning back, he went through the long grasses to where the troopers waited. Boarding the ship, he glanced back at the sun setting and clutched Rey closer. He had vowed he’d never lose her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is late! I have a lot written after this so I won't have to go week by week anymore and it won't be late anymore. Back to our scheduled Wednesdays! Last week was crazy. Thanks for the comments and such, I hope you all are enjoying this so far. Next chapter, we will see exactly how angry Rey is, and she and Kylo are eventually going on a little adventure. Thanks again!


	16. Chapter 16

Fury had encompassed her. She was so much stronger that she awoke shortly after they left and had wreaked havoc immediately. She had knocked Kylo back with the force and struggled to her feet in an attempt to reach the cockpit, most likely to gain the controls and redirect the ship. She had jumped on the co-pilot by the time Kylo wrestled her away. She spent the rest of the trip locked in his arms, completely inconsolable. Her hair even came loose from her struggles. He had a headache from concentrating the force to partially restrain her for so long by the time they arrived.

Rey demanded to see the traitor. He looked much better, but his eyes were as hard and angry as before. Ren didn’t like how little fear was left in the man. It made him dangerous.

Rey almost knocked him over with an embrace that made Ren’s neck prickle.

“Are you ok? Did he hurt you?” Rey asked, pulling back. Ren watched the traitor darkly.

“Yes,” the traitor spit. “Don’t trust him, Rey. We’ve done this once, we’ll get out somehow.”

“I know,” she breathed, hand tracing a scar on the man’s arm. “For now, just don’t—“

“You saw him. Is that not enough?” Ren growled.

She sent him a scathing look. “Don’t separate us. I don’t want you to hurt him.”

“You’re coming with me,” Ren replied fiercely, trying not to imagine her in the traitor’s cell, in his arms. She belonged with _him._

She had that look that meant to was going to drag her heels. “I don’t want to. But I guess that means nothing to you.”

Ren enjoyed the way the traitor looked at her, like he was confused.

“Don’t you want to share our bed again?” He said calmly, and wished he had his mask on so he could smile at the horror that covered FN-2187’s face.

“You asshole,” Rey snapped, standing. She looked as if she’d take a swing at him, but her face contorted and she let it down. Resisting the darkness.

“You didn’t tell him,” Ren argued stubbornly. He reached for her.

She recoiled. “That’s private.”

He agreed, it was private. It was _theirs._ But did the traitor think he had a chance? Did he pursue Rey still?

“Have your feelings changed?” Ren asked her.

“My mind certainly has,” she said angrily. “You’ve shown me every bit of your character.”

He took encouragement from the fact that she did not say they had changed.

“I will not hurt him. I will let you see him. If you come with me,” Ren said softly.

She cast a glance to FN-2187 and then back to Ren before she sighed. “Fine. But you, you don’t get to touch me.”

Heart heavy, he nodded.

“It’ll be ok,” She told the former trooper as she followed Ren out. Her eyes were sad.

After leaving her in the locked apartment again, he quickly went to deliver a few new orders. Both Hux and Snoke couldn’t be told of this. It was too risky. Until he had Skywalker, he wouldn’t be able to keep Rey safe in their presence.

When he returned, she appeared calm, no longer screaming when he came into view. But he felt the anger she held within.

She stood alone, arms crossed and staring out into the endless view of far cast stars. Her hair was swept back in her usual style again, but she had not changed her clothes. A moment after Ren entered, she spoke.

“I don’t want to see you.”

He smiled a little, only because she couldn’t see behind his mask. “You think I’d leave you alone for so long that you could escape?”

She ignored this and refused to look at him. “Leave me alone.”

He sighed, irritated. “I won’t. But if you are so bothered, I’ll leave the bed for you.”

Ren felt Rey’s emotions spike; his words did not pacify her.

So he left her alone, and went to change.

**Rey**

Now that he had caged her, he must be happy. She pictured him smug, sitting in the other room and feeling like he could control her. Just like the rest of the First Order thought they could control everything.

Keeping his word for once, he slept on the couch. She laid in bed for a long time, miserable. Finn was captured, and Ren couldn’t be trusted to keep his word on anything. She missed her friends and absurdly, Ren. She wanted to be with him, the one who held her and loved her and kept his damn promises. And he was so damn close, but she hated him for doing this.

He mostly let her be, but watched her all the time. She knew he wanted to speak and be with her, but she wouldn’t let him. For two weeks she slept alone, visited Finn, plotted her escape and worked out her frustration by taking apart any device she could get her hands on and leaving them around the apartment. By the end of the third day, she had taken apart Ren’s chrono, extra communicator, datapad, and all the broken droids in her workroom and strewn them where ever she felt. When he left her to go run the First Order or talk to Snoke, he mostly left her with numerous troopers and fighting droids outside the door. She could have taken out the troopers, but the droids couldn’t be dealt with without a weapon.

Finn was terrified. He was left alone almost the entire time, but not harmed. His bruises faded, but it was clear that being surrounded by the First Order again was not good for his mind.

“Don’t make him angry, Rey,” He said once.

“What?” She was shocked. He had never said anything like that before. But Finn was sweating, eyes a little too wide to be normal.

“He’ll kill us both,” he whispered. “Don’t give in, but be careful.”

He wouldn’t listen when she told him that Ren wouldn’t hurt her. But after everything, she didn’t completely believe that either.

When Ren returned in the evening that day, Rey was fuming. She was tired of being cooped up and she hated feeling like a prisoner. Watching Finn deteriorate was even worse. This brought back so many bad memories. She had dreams of Ren hurting her, choking her like he had before. Her arms tingled as if she could feel where he burned her. Ren seemed to sense her unrest as soon as he entered the apartment, because he headed straight for the bedroom where she lay on the bed.

“You’re angry,” he finally said, leaning against the doorway.

Her eyes narrowed as she turned her head to look at him. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I thought you’d stop being childish and get over it.”

She sat up, and he pushed off against the wall to stand erect as she stared him down.

“Get over it,” she repeated back to him, the blood rushing into her mind, cutting off any reasonable thought.

He said nothing.

“You are have made me and my friends prisoners. You threaten me, force me to be in a place that I hate, all while acting like I’m being unreasonable!” She said, throat choking her.

“I thought you actually cared, Ren,” she accused. “I thought you gave a damn about what I wanted.”

He frowned. “I do. That’s exactly why you are here.”

She boiled with frustration. He had such a thick head. And was so damn selfish!

“If you actually cared, you wouldn’t have taken me prisoner. Taken me away from the only people who feel like family. I think you’re afraid of me and just want to use me.”

That did not please him, that she was sure of. He stiffened and tightened his fists. “I’m not afraid, Rey. I have offered myself to train you, to increase your powers.”

“By the ways of the dark, not the light. You know which side will win in the end.”

She watched his frustration smugly as he ran a hand through his hair, completely irritated. “I brought you here to protect you.”

“Lies!” She yelled. “You only want to control me!”

She got up and came closer, pointing at him accusingly. “You brought me here because you wanted it. You want me to be your little slave. You can’t stand not getting what you want.”

He grit his teeth. “You’re such a child.”

She got closer, up into his face, looking directly at his healing scar. “Will you seek to control me like before? Torture me? Will you take me against my will now, force yourself on me to get what you want?”

Ren looked as if he’d strike her, and she waited for it, ready. She knew it may have been wrong to say that, to dirty the fragile connection they held. He had never hurt her that way. But she was so angry that she wanted to fight him, even without a weapon.

But he turned away, enraged but determined. She tried to search his feelings, but he pushed her out as he retreated to the sitting room.

She followed him, half out of anger and half from curiosity. She had baited him, she knew that. But he had showed self-restraint.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he said lowly, hands gripping the edge of a chair to steady himself. “I would never hurt you that way.”

“You let yourself be motivated by evil; how can I be sure?” She asked. “Finn is going mad in a cell.”

He looked up and stood suddenly, so fast that she took a step back. He went to her, but she did not shirk as he stood so close. His hands came up slowly, to cup her cheeks, but she did not lower her fierce gaze.

“Don’t you remember that I need you? You would escape if he was not here. And I cannot focus when you are running around for the republic, straight in the line of our fire. I am more drawn to the light than ever before when I am with you, but it makes little difference when you are away.”

She stared at him for a moment. “It’s selfish. I’m a person, and I have the right to make my own decisions and my own life.  You are the one who chooses to stay here and commit murder.”

“I know.” He replied. “You don’t have to forgive me.”

She was still angry, but conflicted now. Damn herself for caring, for loving this stupid, terrible man. “I hate you. I hate you for doing this.”

His fingers dug into his hair. “No,” he growled. “No, you love me.”

She frowned at his strange tone.

“Ren,” she said, but he seemed not to hear. “Ren!”

“What?” he snapped. She swallowed hard. She should have known it would come down to this.

“I…I want to make a deal.”

He sat up more. “A deal.”

She nodded slowly. “I will…I will not escape if you release Finn to the resistance.” She’d be alone here.

He stared at her. “You will be unhappy, still.”

She looked down. “Of course I will be,” she replied, voice hard and unforgiving.

She heard him get up, and looked up from the floor just in time to see him stand before here.

“Tell me how to make things right,” he asked softly. She shook her head.

“I can’t,” she replied.

He lifted his hand to brush a finger against her cheek for just a moment before she turned her head away.

“I will release him,” Ren said heavily. “I will release you both.”

For a moment, she was stunned. She never expected that to come from his mouth. A wave of relief and affection came before she realized that she should not be _grateful_ that he had decided not to keep her prisoner.

“Good,” she said simply. “I can only hope that you aren’t lying this time.” The look he gave her was dark but full of longing.

“You could release yourself too,” she couldn’t help but say softly.

His shoulders stiffened. “I am where I need to be.”

She stared at him for a long, long moment. “We cannot… _be_ anything if you are here.”

His face crumpled before regaining some kind of regret. “I have to do what I must to restore the galaxy.” His tone was almost coaxing, trying to convince her.

She turned away from him. “I have always known what is most important to you. But you will not change my mind. And I cannot forgive you for this.”

He placed his hand on her arm. “I still love you, Rey.”

“Unfortunately, so do I.” She replied, shaking him off and walking away from him back to bed. He let her be. But during the night she could not erase the face of a broken man from her mind. She was unhappy with her own decision. She couldn't imagine having anyone but Ren touch her, love her. Perhaps she was being naive. Perhaps there was another out there for her. But it didn't  _feel_ like that. All she could feel was the choking loneliness and despair. Maybe she was unlovable. Maybe there was no one but him who could, who did love her. She closed her eyes and tried to push away the self-doubt and loneliness. But this place did things to her.  _He_ did things to her. Laying in the familiar bed, it felt like a night when he used to be detained and she would stay up late, eager for him to slide in next to her and wrap his arms around her.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Her heart sang as she thought of touching him fondly, running her hands up those large arms and biting the skin between his shoulder and neck, the exact point that made him writhe. To kiss him again. To never sleep alone, to have someone watching her back in battle and life so that she was always safe. She used to watch the few scavenger pairs that were strung tight, loyal only to each other. She watched a woman give a man her last drops of water to wet his swollen tongue. She had never understood it before, how you could trust someone like that, care about someone so much. Now that she knew, she wish she didn't. She wanted to give it back.

Finally, when sleep refused to come, she slipped out of bed and admitted that she was weak, weaker than a rusted piece of metal.

He awoke when she crawled on top of him to sleep with him on the couch. She knew it was feeble, that it was stupid and a betrayal, but she wanted his touch, his warmth, so badly. And she couldn't ask, wouldn't be a simpering idiot. He said nothing, but gently placed his hand on her back as she fell asleep.

**Ren**

In the morning she was gone, having snuck away before he woke. She ignored him. When he returned she was in the bath, singing to herself. He listened until the water began draining.

She emerged, clad in a damp towel, but did not seem startled to see him lying on the bed. She sat down and began brushing her hair out, not troubled by his gaze.

“I have given the orders for your release tomorrow.” He said. “Have you forgiven me?”

She didn’t look at him. “No.”

“That’s fine. You don’t have to.”

She gave him a hard look. “I don’t need your permission.”

God, she stirred his blood. In every way. After a calming breath, he was able to focus again.

“I want to show you something,” he said, knowing she would be tempted.

“Do I have a choice?” She replied back smartly.

“Yes,” he growled. She was so difficult.

“Fine,” she replied. “But please, captor, let me put on clothes first.”

She wouldn’t change in front of him, but soon emerged from the refresher. She swept past him and waited at the door while he put on his gloves and mask.

**Rey**

Watching him put on his mask was like watching Ren slip away. Now he was Kylo. She hated that mask, and had always been averse to him touching her with it on.

They walked side by side, her refusing to walk behind him. They came to a classroom similar to the one she had seen long ago. Automatically, she turned away. Ren’s hand came up and gently turned her back, and she shook off his hands quickly but did glance inside. These children, although well behaved, were less tense than before. There was no fear in their eyes. One whispered to another, a big smile on their faces. She glanced at the children and then at him almost with suspicion.

“I put a stop to the punishment methods you objected to,” came the deep, inhuman voice. She stared at the children and remembered the children back on the rebel base. They ran free, laughing and playing. They were adventurous, creative, excited. She knew Ren was trying to gain her approval, but the consistent problem between the two was painfully obvious in the gesture.

“Good,” she told him quietly, still staring at the children. “But not good enough. This changes nothing.” She felt Ren focusing on her, trying to understand her dismay. But she pushed him away.

“I’d like to go back now,” She said. He nodded after a moment.

“Whatever you want,” he replied.

 _If only,_ she thought.

~

**Ren**

She barred him from her mind and her room. He listened for the sounds of her working, but there was nothing. Ren was confused. He thought she’d be happy at his gesture! His frustration mounted fast, and he stewed alone. He would just lose her again.

She emerged the next morning to eat, and he watched her with a dark gaze as she sat down. He had yet to really touch her, yet to kiss her and she was already gone.

“Am I going to be prevented from leaving today?” She asked casually.

“No.” He replied sullenly. She continued eating calmly, but he was anything but.

“I just wanted to make things right,” he told her irately. That got a reaction with her shooting him an annoyed look.

“You did a terrible job.”

“I see it is useless now.” Practically pathetic. How had he gotten here? He wished he didn’t care.

“Go away.”

“Nothing I do pleases you.”

She slammed her spoon down on the table and turned to glare at him. “You have no wish to please me!”

“I’m not doing this again!” He yelled. “I am letting you go, aren’t I?”

She dropped her head into her hands. “I just wanted you to be real,” she said. “Normal and loving and not trying to kill everyone I care about.” She shook her head and closed her eyes. “Han and Leia and Finn and Poe are like real family to me. I don’t remember my own family.”

Ren sat down and sighed, putting his head in his hands. “You’re afraid of losing that, I know. But I don’t want to lose you.”

**Rey**

“You never had me,” she said stiffly.

He didn’t answer. She sighed and stood up. Ren looked up to see her looking at him with hard eyes.

“I’m not a possession.”

He nodded. “I know.”

She stared at him, but he let his hair hide his eyes.

“Ren. You have to let me go.”

His jaw tightened. “I know. I will. But...”

“What?”

“…I want you to love me again. Even if we can’t be together, even if you despise me. You loved me once.”

“Ren.” Her tone was firm. “Why are you so scared? I never said I didn’t love you.”

When he didn’t reply, she said, “How am I to trust you if you don’t trust me?”

He buried his face in his fingers again. “I tried to tell you. You didn’t understand. No one can.”

“Stop having a little pity party,” she ordered, startling him. “Tell me.”

His expression grew dark and thunderous, eyes like black holes. “When you aren’t here, I doubt everything. I feel like everything was a lie. I am enraged by the thought, but all I see is my memories, but changed. To see hatred and anger in your eyes there, and it is all so real.”

“Ren…” She breathed. “It’s not true.”

“I know,” he snapped. “It just feels so real, especially when you aren’t here. I can barely bear it.”

“Why does that happen? Why do you think that way?”

His brows drew together. “I don’t know. Probably my own weakness.”

She touched his cheek and drew her fingers down to his jaw gently. “I can’t be here. I can’t be with you when you are like this.” She paused. “Is there…Is there anything that would help?”

He shook his head, then stopped midway. Then he cocked his head and looked at her oddly. She didn’t like the shine in his eyes.

Rey looked right back at him, her heart rate picking up a little faster. What was going on in his head?

“There is something,” he said slowly, voice dark and deep. She couldn’t look away from his eyes, so dark and mesmerizing. They could be gentle, they could be hypnotic. She had seen them loving, and she had seen them dangerous.

“What?”

His finger came up to stroke her cheek, and his face was so close that she could feel the warmth of his breath.

“You will not be with me. Fine. You are on the other side, fighting for the resistance. Fine. But do this one, small thing. So I know that I am the one you love. Marry me.”

Rey stared at Ren, incredulous and completely shocked. For a moment everything was still, and then it all washed over her.

He asked her to marry him.

“What?” She said suddenly, jerking back. “What are you even saying?”

He stood, chair sliding back too fast and hitting the wall. “I’m saying, marry me.”

She shook her head and chocked out a laugh. He had to be joking! She was nineteen years old. They were on completely opposite sides of a universal war. He had just kidnapped her for the second goddamn time!

“That’s crazy,” she breathed. He edged in close and took her limp hand.

“I love you.”

She shook her head, looking down and pulled her hand away. “I’m nineteen! I’m-I’m not ready to be married! You’re crazy!”

He frowned at that, and when she glanced up he was drifting back. “I forget that you are younger than I.”

She placed her hand on her chest. “It’s barvy. We’ve never, ever talked about such a thing! I mean, we couldn’t even be together. And I, I can’t do that. I…I love you, but you went against your promise to me, and it hasn’t even been that long that I’ve felt this way.”

Ren growled and tightened his fist. “I will return you as you so desire. I know this was a mistake. I just wanted this.”

She wasn’t insulted by his angry tone; she saw past it well enough. She came close and put her hand on his arm and tried to catch his eye.

“I can’t do that,” she said firmly, but her eyes looked for his understanding. His shoulders slackened and he nodded.

“I’m not crazy,” he said. “I understand.”

“Perhaps, someday, if things change, we can…be together.” She couldn’t even say it, her tongue rebelled against the word marriage. She had been a free bird her whole life, running and scrounging for herself, unbeholden and unbound to anyone. Just even a promise like this was hard.

He nodded again, and they were quiet.

“One kiss, Rey.”

She hesitated, torn, but then nodded and stood tall to kiss him softly. As they parted, he suddenly crushed her to his chest.

“I want you to be mine,” he said quietly. This made a shiver run up and down her spine, and she wiggled until his hold was much looser. His expression was one of surprise when he noticed how fierce and hard she looked.

“I’ll never be anyone’s but my own. You cannot possess me.”

His lips frowned and his appearance almost grew to a little boy’s, pouting. “I want your hand, I want you as my wife. I want your love, always.”

“Fine. But I am my own. I can’t be someone else’s. Understand?”

He nodded, sullen, but she could tell his dark thoughts of possession clawed at him. She let him kiss her on the cheek and looked away, suddenly uncomfortable with all of this. It was so embarrassing, talking about marriage and such silly things. He was ridiculous, really.

He must have thought she was wondering whether he would return her, because he unexpectedly said; “Stay with me a week, just a week. Then I will give you a shuttle to return to your rebellion.”

Suspicious, she asked, “To find our location with tracking?”

He shook his head, an amused smile on his face. “If you are so cautious, why not fly it to the nearest planet and have one of yours pick you up?”

Her nose wrinkled. It was a plan she very well might use. She did not doubt for a second that he’d love her location, whether it be to find a rebel base or to keep close tabs on her and her “safety.” Still, to fly one the Order’s shuttles…

“I’d fly it myself?” She clarified. He nodded, and a smile swept across her face for a moment.

“I can’t,” she suddenly said. “I don’t trust that you’d actually let me go after a week.”

He frowned, unhappy that he had been close.

“I’ll give you my saber,” he finally offered.

Eyebrow raised, she looked at him and he looked back. Seeing that she did not believe him, he opened his robe, unclipped his saber and held it out.

She pressed her lips together and her brow furrowed. “How am I to trust that you will not use the force against me, then?”

“I can only offer my word.”

“That doesn’t mean much,” she scoffed. He did not reply.

Finally, heart beating fast, she took his saber.

“This doesn’t change anything,” she told him. He shrugged, trying to look indifferent before trying to pull her in for a kiss.

“Ren…” She protested.

“What?”

“I told you we can’t.”

“Not even for a week?” He replied, his lip stuck out in a bit of a pout.

She bit her lips and ran her teeth along it.

“No funny business,” she warned. “Nothing more than this.”

He smiled a dangerous smile. “Alright,” he answered, and then kissed her deeply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter for fun! I am conflicted about the way things are progressing, but I'm not always good at writing transitional parts. Our favorite pair will be off the ship again soon...but where? And don't you just feel sorry for poor Finn? PS: there's a reason they won't talk about Starkiller very much. I'll let you figure it out.


	17. Chapter 17

**Rey**

She was still angry, and anxious. She kept his saber with her at all times, even in the fresher. This was ridiculous,” she thought. How could she have anything with a man she didn’t trust?

But they did. They had passion and a deep, dark ache for each other.

She watched Finn be placed in a shuttle, against his will.

“Not without you,” he kept repeating. “I won’t leave you in the hands of a monster.”

“I’m fine,” she promised. “I will make contact in seven days.”

He seemed not to hear her, his dark eyes flashing. “I’ll be back for you Rey,” he promised as she backed out the shuttle, ending their private goodbye.

“Be safe,” she replied. If Ren felt her fear and sadness as the shuttle left, he said nothing about it.

He seemed more content that she had agreed to this. He kissed her passionately every time he got the chance and seemed more relaxed with her presence. In the dark of the night he whispered to her how lonely he was when she was gone. She felt that ache as well, but wouldn’t admit it to him.

They spent hours training together the first few days, and he seemed impressed by her progress. It was a little awkward, at first. But Rey felt it lessen, day by day. After a few remarks about Luke, however, she ordered him to curb his tongue. Regardless, he did try and persuade her to let him teach her.

“You would improve much more under my training.”

She scoffed. “I don’t like your methods or your master.”

He scowled, but was a dog with a bone. “I have a true desire for you to become stronger. Skywalker will hold you back, afraid of attracting attention from the Order.”

“Hush, Ren,” she commanded, dropping her practice saber. “I know what you’re doing.”

He wanted her to stay on her own accord, for his doubts plagued him still. She felt it. His eyes became haunted as his arm lowered.

“Is there anything you don’t see?” He asked, a trace of bitterness in his tone.

“I see what you don’t,” she replied. “I see the good in you.”

“Hush, Rey,” he said, echoing her own words. “I know what you’re doing.”

Against her will, she laughed.

~

**Ren**

She let him join her in the bed again, and once again he slept with her in his arms. The clean scent of her, the warmth radiating from her tan, lithe body…it was heaven. Two days after the release of FN-2187, that bliss was interrupted.

He awoke to Rey turning in her sleep, groaning. Her eyes were clenched close in sleep and her brow sweaty. Her sleeping shirt was all twisted up to reveal her taut stomach, hard with muscle.

“Rey,” he murmured, shaking her. “Love, wake up,”

With a little gasp her eyes flew open and her hand scrambled around the sheets to find him.

“Ren?”

“I’m here.”

She rolled over into his chest and pressed herself firm against him.

“What is it?” He asked, the urgency in his voice not calming in the least. His dark hair fell into his eyes, tousled from sleep. His hand slipped through the slick sheets to the small of her back, the skin there silky and soft.

“Dream,” she muttered.

He nuzzled against her ear. “What dream?”

Her hand tightened on his shirt.

“It was just Jakku.”

“Jakku?”

She rolled onto her back, but he stayed upright, hovering over her right side. She looked away, already embarrassed.

“It was just a dream,” she said.

He moved to press his body close to hers, trying to provide comfort the best he could.

“A nightmare,” he corrected.

Something had shifted. She seemed more distracted, and more prone to unexpected actions. Sometimes she’d cling to him, other times he’d catch her simply watching him, almost apprehensively.

And the questions. She had developed a deep desire to know him, even more so than she already did. Which was more than anyone else he had ever met. And he couldn’t help but reflect her want; he craved knowing her thoughts and memories and feelings. He wanted her, in all her entity, desperately.

“Do you like music?”

Ren hadn’t thought about that in a long time. “I used to. Not the folksy, unsophisticated kind, played by some backwater species. My mother once took me to visit the Ewoks, and their music was as crude and simple as a Gungan’s brain.”

She chuckled a little at that, causing small vibrations between their bodies as she laid across his chest, head propped up on her arms. Ren’s arms were crossed between his head, and his fingers twitched at her smile, wanting to touch her.

“Do you?” He replied.

She smiled, and her eyes grew wistful. “I don’t think you’d like the music on Jakku, but I liked it. It always had a strong beat, a rhythm that made you move. But the Wookies, after a couple of drinks, would sing the most beautiful songs. Like a howl, but it could also be so gentle and sweet.”

Gazing off, Ren nodded. Before thinking, his mouth opened and he said, “Chewbacca would sing me to sleep when I was young and accompanying their travels. Always soft and low. Sweet, like you said.”

The expression she wore was soft and dreamy, but pain stabbed at Ren. Always, always he pushed these “good” memories back. They were only symbols of his naiveté, when he felt happy and unaware of the conflict in his family, in the way they looked at him.

“It must have been wonderful,” Rey said. “Flying around on the _Falcon.”_

Ren’s brow furrowed. “Home sweet home,” he replied darkly.

“Was it just you and Han and Chewbacca?” She asked.

“Sometimes.”

“Luke?”

He scoffed. “Luke had many other preoccupations. I was referring to my mother.”

Rey grew a bit wistful. “When they saw each other again, after so long, it was like the Force rippled. I know they are twins, but the connection was incredible.”

Ren sat up. “They are dangerous and thoughtless.”

Rey leaned on his leg, unwilling to be brushed off. “You hurt so much when you ever think about anything good.”

He ran his fingers through his hair. “I was a fool then, blind to the harsh reality.”

Ren expected her to argue with him, but she only said, “Explain it to me.”

This was exactly what he didn’t want to talk about. She’d only be hurt. He’d seen her mind, how much she idolized Han Solo. And just from the awe in her voice he knew how she admired his mother and Luke.

He must have paused too long, lost in inner conflict, because she laid her head down and sighed. It was clear from her expression that she didn’t expect him to answer. He tugged his hand from behind his head and let his fingers smooth her glossy hair.

“Han Solo resented my birth. It was Leia who wanted children. Even after I was born he wasn’t around much. Mother and I would go with him sometimes, but they decided it wasn’t safe after a while. So I was raised jumping from place to place, watching the New Republic rise from the ashes of the Empire with my Uncle and Mother in the lead. Luke was different, more hopeful and spirited. He wanted to raise an entire new generation of Jedi.”

“That you killed.”

It stung, but only because she had said it. That hard edge in her voice. Ren pushed away any guilt he had, rationalizing it completely. But she stirred up things he’d rather not recall.

“Yes.” He retorted. “I always showed Force abilities, and I loved it. But all the other children were afraid of it. Some tried to make fun of me, until I dealt with them. Mother thought I just needed a teacher, but my father resented my power, always thought I was a brute. That I was dangerous. ‘Normal kids don’t destroy other kid’s toys with the Force.’ He made me a villain before I was old enough to understand the Force!”

She sat up, but Ren was seething by now, and paused in his words to calm himself. He avoided her eyes, not wanting to see her judgment.

“Once I understood Han Solo’s judgment, his disgust for me, his own son,” Ren spat, “He convinced Leia to send me away. To Luke. And I sensed Luke’s distrust in me. He never treated me like his nephew, he humiliated me and undermined my skill in his stupid school. My parents didn’t want me, Luke didn’t want me, only the First Order did!”

Rey drew her tan knees up to her chest, eyes large but full of pain. “No one wanted me,” she answered emotionlessly.

Ren suddenly remembered seeing into her mind: the vast, huge sands of Jakku, and a little girl screaming.

_“Come back! Come back!”_

It felt a lot like what he felt, what he thought as he watched his parents grow small as they sped away, leaving him behind.

But he had always had someone there, trying to draw him back. Trying to shape him, not giving up. Rey had none of that. She was left on that dust ball like a piece of garbage. If she had been a different person, she would have become embittered, believing no one loved her. But Rey held onto the belief that they would come back for her. She never gave up hope despite the fact that there was never anyone there, supporting her or loving her. No wonder she didn’t need him like he needed her. She could probably survive anything.

Hadn’t she already?

**Rey**

He had been quiet for a long time.

“Would you ever go back to Jakku?” He asked. Rey glanced up, but his eyes were far away.

She shrugged. “I had wanted to, but…I don’t think…what I kept waiting for will come back.”

He nodded, and reached out to her. She let him pull her close, let her hold her like she was a child. Buried in the embrace, she remarked, “Someday, perhaps…I’ll go back. Just to get a few things I grew up with. To see it all one last time.” A smile toyed on her lips. “Maybe I’ll buy all the portions.”

Ren was quiet again, and she wondered if he didn’t find it funny. When his hold loosened her heart skipped a beat, but he said, “Let’s go. Now.”

She pulled away from him to stare at his handsome face incredulously. “Are you mad?”

“No,” he replied. “Why wouldn’t we? I want to go with you.”

Rey really pushed herself away from him now, avoiding his lingering touch. “Don’t be all stupid and overprotective. I lived there alone for more than ten years, I think I can handle myself.”

He caught her chin and forced her to look at him. “I’m not being overprotective again. I want to see where you lived. I want to know your past. I want to…be there.”

She pushed his hand away, but found herself searching his face for answers other than the one he gave. It was so strange.

“I can do it on my own.”

“Let me come with you.”

She threw her hands in the air and stood up, shaking her head.

“You’ve got to be joking. I said someday, so stop talking about it.”

He grabbed at her wrist and pulled her close again. As she always did when he grasped her, she felt the heavy yearn to pull away. But she let him draw her close this time, and was sitting while leaning against him in his arms within seconds.

“I want to be with you,” Ren said into her hair. “It will be hard for you. Let’s go now, together.”

Her vision blurred, but she wouldn’t let him know how close she was to spilling over with emotion. How strange it was, to have someone that cared like he did. Who wanted to support her like that. It was strange, but it made her feel like something lonely inside her had been kissed.

So she simply nodded, and he pressed his lips to her hair, keeping his arms locked around her. She too lifted her arms to keep his where they were, enjoying the feeling of his heartbeat on her back.

~

She wasn't sorry to leave. Still, there was a tight feeling in her chest as they pulled away, Ren's sleek ship loaded with only a few things that Rey said to bring. They sat just slightly apart, waiting.

When they arrived on the desert planet, Rey pressed against the glass window, holding her breath. Jakku may have been the place where she was lonely, hungry, and scared, but in the end it would always feel a little bit like home.

The ripples of tan sand stretched out as far as the eye could see until it met the bright blue sky. There was no rock, only huge mountains of sand and broken metal. From the window Rey could see the _Inflictor_ , which she had ravaged many times for parts and sped past almost every day on her speeder. She could already feel the hot sun and wind, could already taste the gritty portion on her tongue.

If Ren felt anything from her, he didn’t comment. Her mind idly wondered if he was sulking. She had set clear rules for the trip, and he hadn’t liked them.

“No mask. No black clothes. No Kylo Ren.”

His face had darkened, face contorting with displeasure. “You don’t appreciate my clothes?”

She shook her head sternly. “No one with half a brain would wear layers of heavy black clothing on Jakku. You’d die of heatstroke if you weren’t always running around at night or back to your cool ship.”

“Is it really such an issue?” He grumbled, his jaw tensing and arms crossing, making him look like a sullen child.

Buns bobbing, Rey nodded again. “We need to blend in, not be attacked. No one should know that you are part of the First Order.”

His eyes searched her. “Seeing this…Plutt…is it really so important?”

She fixed a hard gaze on him. “Yes. This isn’t just about me anymore.”

He had stroked her cheek tenderly then, which was so unexpected that she almost pulled away. He might have kissed her, but then she said: “And the ship can’t stay either.”

Ren was hard to convince that the ship would be stripped by morning and they would be stranded; regardless of how scary he was, many were willing to risk death to eat. Not only that, but it was possibly the most inconspicuous thing they could show up in. So it was agreed; a trooper would fly them to the planet, and eject them in a shuttle. When they were ready to return, they could send up a signal from a small device kept on Ren’s person.

“It’s time,” Ren said to Rey, and she drew herself away from the glass. Ren, being the bigger one, stepped into the shuttle first. Rey entered next, finding her body flush against his. His arm encircled her as the door whizzed shut, and she exhaled and leaned against him. For the moment, she was glad to have him with her. She wasn’t frightened, but felt a sense of dread. She kept thinking about her home in the ATAT, and how she’d be face to face with her old life. Before the resistance, before the Force, before Finn and Ren and Han. When she was just Rey, a scavenger.

For now she focused on the grey material of Ren’s shirt. He wore light grey all over—light grey pants tucked into dark leather boots, a loose charcoal colored shirt and even a thick grey belt. Rey wore her old clothes, they felt like a second skin. Ren had given her a strange look when she had stepped out of the refresher, like he was seeing a ghost.

The shuttle shook as it was ejected, and Ren’s arm grew a little tighter. Rey didn’t mind, she needed the stability; needed his tall, broad, familiar body to lean against. The smell of him alone comforted her. She sensed his unease, but knew he’d get over it. He didn’t need the stupid mask to be as intimidating as he desired. And if he was worried about her, then he would see that she was fine soon enough. She repeated the plan over to herself: Get her things, go see Plutt, then leave. It was simple enough.

A blinking light let them know that they were coming in for landing, and soon the shuttle was shaken as it hit the sand. When it finally stabilized and the door’s lock clicked open, both of them let out their held breath at the same time. Rey found herself clutching at Ren, and embarrassingly let go like he was hot. He retreated more slowly, only to reach over and hit the door’s button.

Rey gingerly stepped out onto the sand, her hand holding firmly onto the shuttles edge as to not fall from dizziness she felt from the landing. Ren stepped out more eloquently, but immediately grimaced at the bright sun.

“Just as I recall. All sand,” Ren finally said, squinting against the sun for the first time.

Rey smiled a little, seeing his distaste for it. “A million and one dust motes,” she remarked.

He glanced at her, and asked, “Are you warp-lagged?”

She scoffed. As if she was so delicate. “It was only one night on the ship.”

He nodded briskly, and she looked out over the vast land again and was struck by a feeling of nostalgia. She couldn’t help but feel the absence of her staff and wraps against the hot sun. In the far off distance, a dark blur indicated the huts and tents that made up the Nima Outpost.

“Shall we find your...hovel?”

“No,” Rey replied, staring off at the Outpost, her voice detached. “I want to go there.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter, but the pacing just set it this way. Should be longer than usual next time~ And soon we shall have more smutty times, hehe. Thanks for all the comments and stuff, they rock my damn socks!


	18. Chapter 18

**Ren**

Stars, was she nuts? They tromped across the sand slowly, without speaking. He was already hot, despite his forced change of attire. And unfortunately she seemed to be much more agile and light on the shifting ground than he was. Each step sucked him into the sand, and only the thing keeping him from losing his temper was the fierce, determined look on Rey’s face. She squinted into the sun without struggle, and to Ren, she was never more beautiful.

Somehow she looked right here, the tan of her skin and the highlights of her hair glowed in the bright light. Now that he compared the two, she seemed almost drab on the ship, like the color had been leeched from her. Yet in the strong, hot wind, she was as fierce and bright as star.

It took a very long time for them to finally reach the outpost. As they paused at the edge, Ren muttered: “Tell me that we aren’t walking all the way back.”

Rey gave him a sidelong glance and shrugged, but Ren saw the up tilt of her lips that meant she was joking.

“You have the money?” She asked, a little anxiously.

“Yes. Not credits.” He handed it over to her quickly, and she gazed at it with a hungry look. All he hoped was that they would buy some water first.

Rey grabbed his arm and looked up at him, her eyes serious and intense. “Thank you.”

Ren’s face softened, and they looked at each other for a long moment in silence. Then Rey turned and strode forward.

“My speeder has got to be around here somewhere. The north side of the outpost is probably the best place to start.”

He quickly caught up to her with his long stride. “Water, love. Rearrange your priorities.”

She paused and gave him a look that made even him wary.

“Speeder first,” she growled. “Then we will get what we need.”

He wasn’t willing to argue with the woman whom held all their money in her hand. Besides, his dark eyes couldn’t stop following her, so how could his feet?

Countless creatures, bleached and tanned by the sun, shouted amidst poles connected by rags. Large earthen pots, their texture grainy from the sand mixed with the clay, were numerous. Each contained a mixture of things, mostly metal parts and grimy water. Rey’s face was set hard, searching, but Ren detected an ache echoing from her. But she said nothing, only weaved through the tables and crowd, appearing unfazed of the smell of sweat and spirits. Ren recognized the atmosphere of despair—he had created it himself many times. But the image from Rey’s memory, of her amongst these people, one of them. It was unnerving.

The wares turned into machines, many of them. Larger and larger until Rey’s pace slowed and she drew towards a stand with a hooded, glaring Kyuzo. His yellow eyes, set deep in wrinkled grey skin, narrowed as they drew close enough to hear the rasp of his breath.

“ _Kalu kazac fortra hasta?”_ It asked. To Ren’s surprise, Rey leaned forward and answered back almost as quickly as the Kyuzo had asked.

” _Handta yo kior eegar porsar, Drego,”_ she replied, voice hard.

The Kyuzo rubbed the stand beneath its three fingers, slitted pupils thinning and then expanding. It’s mouth was covered, and it lingered closer and closer to Rey, eyes squinting more and more, as if it was trying to get a better read on her.

_“Aran kafcoo. Ptyur dar frwer!”_

Ren, trying not to appear as puzzled as he was, watched the conversation go back and forth until Rey stood back, straight and tall. There was silence, and then finally the Kyuzo ground out an answer, beckoning towards Rey like he wanted something.

She paused, nodded, and then plunked down two coins that she had pulled from the sack. They were gone in a flash, and Rey turned back towards Ren.

“How many languages do you speak?” He asked, and she flashed an unexpected smile.

“I forget, honestly,” she admitted absentmindedly, and he wondered if she was being modest. She touched his fingers briefly as she passed, and again, he followed.

In a somehow dark corner of the post, three Teedos squabbled together, one’s fingers mending a large, heavy net. A large Luggabeast was tied up behind them, placidly chewing on some meal. When Rey approached them, they paused and drew silent. Like a shadow, Ren hovered behind her, letting his dark, forbidding eyes fall onto the three before them.

They were all wrapped in dirt dyed strips of fabric, like Rey had to her arms and legs to protect her skin. Ren opted for his armguards and gloves, and had replaced his helmet with a different, cloth hat wrap. These Teedos all had metal helmets with a breathing apparatus attached, but their green feet and hands stood out in the sun proudly, like flaking pieces of green bark.

Rey spoke first, sharp and demanding. Two of the Teedos spoke over each other, one waving its fist. Rey slammed her hand on the table and pointed to the mountain of metal and cloth behind them, and Ren drew close behind her, glaring down at the Teedos.

All but one grew quiet and wary. The other, glancing furtively at Ren’s imposing figure, spoke again but quieter than before. Rey, tense, shot Ren a look that clearly stated that he was unneeded. Stubbornly, he stood protectively before the stand with her.

Rey continued the argument, until finally they seemed to reach a grudging agreement. The more confident of the three gestured them forward, and Rey followed him eagerly a few rows down. Shortly, the Teedo stopped before a large, covered figure. He glanced back, but then tugged the dirty cloth off to reveal a long, rust red vehicle that could only be the speeder Rey sought.

He felt the jolt of energy from Rey as it was uncovered, only confirming what he already knew. She pushed past the vendor and ran her hand down the long surface, checking the inside and the sides of it closely. Ren watched that beautiful smile of her’s appear, but then she forcefully peeled it away as she turned back to the Teedo.

“ _Parquad ail.”_ She said firmly, and then counted out a handful of coins to the Teedo, who grabbed them greedily. He eyed the bag, but she tucked it away fast and he watched her pull the speeder away.

“Does it still work?” Ren asked as they walked away, and Rey’s smile snuck back.

“Yes. I’m lucky they didn’t take it apart, all they did was turn it off so the chassis wouldn’t electrify them,” She grinned at him, proud. “They knew it was too valuable to take apart, but no one can use it after it’s powered down. It only powers up with my fingerprint!”

Startled, Ren shook his head. “I should never underestimate how clever you are.”

She laughed a little and paused at the edge of the marketplace. “I’ll go and get us some water. You stay with the speeder.”

It was irritating that he got the waiting job. It was true he didn’t speak the languages, but he was used to leading, not following. Gritting his teeth a little, he nodded. She left him, and he took a moment to look over the speeder himself. It was clearly handmade, not sleek like the First Order’s ships. But somehow, all the parts fit together like they had been made to. Nothing seemed jammed or out of place. She was clever, his Rey, cleverer than one should be growing up alone on Jakku. She was clearly highly intelligent even without a real education, and her skills—they were exemplary. A thrill went through them as he realized again how powerful she would be with the Force once she was trained. After years on Jakku, she had perfected many languages and engineering. And quite possibly, piloting. With effort and practice, she would surely excel just as much, if not more, with the Force.

Just as he was shaking off his excitement, he spotted the light brown figure coming closer. Rey was carrying three large canteens, which suddenly reminded Ren how thirsty he was. She immediately handed him one once they were near, and went to putting the others in the sidebags of the speeder while he drank.

“Better?” She asked, and he lifted his eyebrow at her coolly.

“Don’t tell me you haven’t drank any at all,” he said. Yes, she was adjusted to this planet. But surely her body was almost as parched as his.

“Of course. Then I filled it up before I left. No sense in walking back with a half-filled canteen.”

She walked the speeder over to a spot and tied it deftly to a stray pole and powered it down before returning to him.

“We have one more thing to do here,” she said.

This interested him; surely this was why she asked for so much money.

“What is it?”

She drew him to the side. “Go to that counter in the middle of that crowd, and buy out all of portions. Every one. He’ll give you trouble, so you must offer him all the money after a few minutes. He will keep some portions back regardless, but don’t settle for less than 10,000 full portions.”

Her eyes shifted and she drew the cloth round her head.

“Why?” Ren asked. He let his hand curl around her wrist as she tried to hand him the money. “Is that Plutt? The man who—“

“Yes,” she hissed. “But I don’t want any of your protective bullshit now. You must get the portions, Ren! If he sees me, he will know. And I took the _Falcon_ from him, so I can’t be detected anywhere close to there.”

“And then what are you going to do?” Ren said irritably. “Turn a profit?”

The look she gave him was scathing. “For once, just do what you’re told,” she fussed.

They held a gaze for a moment and then he leaned in and kissed her, briefly pressing his lips to hers, hard. He drew back and didn’t break eye contact until he turned to go to the counter, the money grasped tight in his hand until he tucked away the shining pieces into his vest.

“Move,” he barked as he stepped into the crowd. If they didn’t understand his words, they could surely understand his tone. A few stepped back, but others held their ground and glared. If only he had his mask…

Once he had every pitiful creature behind him, roasting him with their eyes, he made it to the stand.

“Get out of here, scum,” the giant Crolute snapped. “I see nothing to sell.” A few thugs at the edge of the stand stepped forward.

Ren scoffed, his fingers curling around the edge of the counter.

“I’m not here to sell. I’m here to buy,” he said lowly, letting his eyes settle on Plutt. He could feel the dark within him, flooding through his veins.

This was the man who starved Rey, who let her waste away into the sand. Who let her stay and hope on this planet for years, thinking someone would come back for her. Manipulated her, forced her to become so hard, so forbidding of others. She had her compassionate heart, but it was no thanks to Plutt. Ren had rifled through Rey’s head, and he not once saw her sheltered or fed by him. Perhaps she didn’t remember it all, but he doubted that the greedy man had ever helped her.

“Buy?” No grin came from the Crolute, but the thugs hesitated. “What parts are you looking for?”

Ren shook his head slowly. “Portions. I have money.”

Plutt squinted at him, frowning at the unusual request. Barter was the protocol here, it seemed. “It’ll cost you. How many?”

Ren licked his lips.

“I want them all.”

A moment of stunned silence. Then Plutt roared.

“Who do you think you are, trying to buy me out at my own stand?” He thundered. “I’m the boss around here—“

“I don’t want your job,” Ren hissed. “Just the portions. I need them.”

“For what?” The boss asked incredulously. “You couldn’t afford it.”

“Name a number and a price,” Ren said, leaning forward as the wind picked up. He could feel Rey on the edge of his perception, tense and waiting.

Plutt shook his head.

“You will name a number and a price,” Ren tried again, threading the Force into his words this time, pushing at the creature’s mind. But it did nothing, not even dazing him.

“Show me what you’ve got there,” Plutt said.

Ren gave a short laugh. “I’ve got plenty. Name a number and a price.”

Plutt gestured with his fleshy hand. “Prove it.”

Sighing, Ren reached into the right side of his vest and summoned a piece of gold into his hand. If they attacked him, they’d go for the wrong side.

He placed it on the counter and Plutt looked at it carefully. Finally he leaned back.

“8,000 portions…for 10,000 pieces.”

The crowd gasped and muttered, but Ren didn’t sweat. He was, unfortunately, a Solo, which meant he had excellent haggling skills.

“15,000 for 5,000 pieces,” he countered.

Plutt laughed in his face. “Go elsewhere, boy. You’ll not be getting another offer from me.”

Ren shook his head slowly, a small smile quirking up his lips.

“How about 17,000, and I don’t kill you?”

He knew this was not what Rey wanted. But this was not an ordinary situation, and he wanted, if nothing else, to take this man down a peg.

Plutt quirked a finger and immediately three of his thugs rounded the corners of his hut. All creatures shrieked and scattered, some even leaving behind their pieces of junk. One man kicked a sack full of metal clear across the dusty yard.

Ren didn’t turn around. He waited until the right moment, enjoying the suspense. Then, without even using the force, he used his speed to knock down the first man, kick the second, and elbow the third. He hit just the right spot on every man but one, which simply meant that he needed to connect his fist with the last thug standing once more.

They bounced only slightly as they hit the sand, and the only damper on the entire thing was that he could feel Rey’s disapproval from across the post.

“The hell—“ Plutt gaped a little, eyes narrowing and fists slamming down on the counter. “You waste my men, try to buy my portions…”

“I am not trying,” Ren interrupted. He gestured with a dark glare. “Do we have a deal?”

“They aren’t my only men,” Plutt threatened. “I’ll make you a deal.” He was clearly sweating, literally and figuratively, his pale dome gleaming.

“10,000…for 12,000 pieces.”

Ren lowered his gaze. “12 for 10.”

Plutt swallowed and his eyes went immediately to Ren’s outstretched fingertips as he made them twitch just once.

“Fine,” he ground out. “But you’ve got 24 hours to get out of Niima before I make you leave.”

Ren held back a disgusted snarl. “Just give me the portions.”

There were so many that Ren couldn’t fit them in his entire bag. However, Rey had told him to put another black bag in his current one, so with that he had them all. People gazed with big eyes in awe. However it wasn’t the kind of feared awe he was used to—it was disbelief, jealously, longing. Ren spotted a thin, dark haired girl with a long scar running through her scalp and forehead. She reminded him of Rey, and a pang went through him as he watched her stare at his bag yearningly.

She was waiting for him, hands clutching the net on the side of her speeder.

“How many?” She asked urgently, eye only on the bags. “How many??”

Ren gave a cocky half smile as she tugged a bag off her shoulder. “More than 10 thousand. 12.”

“Gods,” she breathed, looking into the bag and running her hand through the plastic packages. “Oh there’s…there’s so many.”

Her eye was a little wild, her voice unbelieving. It gave him a strange ache, watching her oogle the tiny pouches of ancient, freeze dried sustenance. He remembered way her eyes had widened that first time they had eaten together, and he wondered if she still dreamed of the hunger.

“What shall we do with them?” He asked, and she looked up, licking her lips and swallowing.

“I’ll show you,” she said.

**Rey**

So much food. She imagined it in her belly, stretching it until it burst. She could hide in her AT-AT and live for years off these bags, bags so full and lovely—

No, no. She wasn’t that girl. She wasn’t…that girl. She felt the darkness of Ren’s shadow cross over her face as he stepped closer and she looked up.

“Put a few with the canteens for us,” she said. He tilted his head at her.

“There’s food on the ship,” he objected. She slapped a few portions on his broad chest and didn’t answer except to stalk off towards the center of outpost.

“Rey!” He hissed, shoving the portions into the speeder’s pocket pouch and hurrying after her. Just as she reached the edge of the crowd, she stopped, waiting for him.

Evening was afoot—the sun was beginning to dip lower in the sky. The throng of people in Niima were just beginning to head out. Rey’s eyes were dark, her mouth hard. She could tell that Ren didn’t like her much right now. He nervously clenched and unclenched his fist, staring at her as she scanned the crowd, the bags of portions flanking each of her sides. A light hand was held protectively on each bag’s close. No one could wrestle them away from her. Out of the corner of his eyes, Rey could see four creatures, two male, two female, at Plutt’s stand. He was angry, very angry.

“Ren,” she said quietly. “Don’t kill anyone.”

He narrowed his eyes at her and didn’t respond. She began to push through the crowd, to a small stand with empty crates. Ren followed her easily—something about him made people scatter. Placing her hand on his shoulder, she pushed off so she could jump up on top of the pile of crates, her boots hitting the dusty boards with a hollow sound. At the edge, Ren whipped his head around to stare at her indignantly.

She licked her lips and swallowed.

“People!” She bellowed, and there was rustle of silence with stares. Rey dug her hand into the bag and pulled out a handful of portions, holding them above her head. “Plutt doesn’t own you anymore!”

She threw the first handful into the crowd, and there was madness. People wrestled over the few she had thrown, missing her next handful. She used both hands now, and the crowd roared.

Rey spotted Plutt’s face among them, recognizing her and drawing closed with fury. He tried to fight through the swarm, but the starving scavengers wouldn’t be deterred.

“You!” He screamed, pointing his fleshy finger up at her. She could see his men trying to push through the crowd, an unexpected shield.

Ren, stuck among the crowd, saw them too. Rey caught his dangerous look as people began to climb onto the crates, trying to get to Rey’s bags even though she was emptying them as fast as she could.

Rey could barely watch as Ren pushed people off the crates, away from her. As she rained portions down on the crowd, she felt a bloom of pride. There were tears on an old woman’s cheeks, running past her sun-set wrinkles. And there was Ren, brow furrowed as he fought against his primal urge to destroy everyone around him.

Ren seemed to enjoy taking down the first of Plutt’s men who made it through the crowd. His dark, wild hair spilled out into his eyes, making his dangerous little smile the only thing clearly visible to Rey. He moved like a large feline, coiled to pounce—and fast.

Plutt somehow made it into the heart of the crowd and began pushing and taking back the portions Ren had bought. She saw him with a handful, then an armful. A child screamed in the crowd.

“Ren!”

He turned and saw where she looked and began weaving through the throng. His dark head was all that was visible through the food Rey continued to throw, but then Plutt was lifted into the air, and part of the focus began to shift from her to him.

But Plutt’s eyes were on her as a circle around him and Ren was cleared.

“You took my ship!” He yelled. “You took my portions! I gave you everything, I kept you alive, I--!”

A squashed scream came from him as Ren most likely crushed his windpipe. Spit dangled from the man’s lips, and his eyes rolled.

Ren’s long rigid arm tensed and Rey paused as Plutt’s eyes bulged and his skin greyed. Finally his body went slack and the crowd roared.

Damn it, she told him not to kill anybody!

Her fingers brushed the bottom of the bag and she realized it was out. There were only a few more in the other. Tossing them out into the people, she backed up from the crowd that was beginning to crawl up the crates, wanting more.

Feet landed right by her and she jumped until she recognized Ren’s black boots. He yanked her up and began dragging her down the other side of the pile.

“Let go!” She squirmed from his grip, but he continued to move away from the crowd, fast until they could see the speeder.

She yanked her arm from his hand. “Ren, don’t—“

“What the hell was that?” He asked, raking his hand through his dark hair. “You could have been swarmed.”

Rey crossed her arms. “I wanted to spread out the portions and stop Plutt from monopolizing them. So no one else would starve.”

Ren made a noise of irritation. “Well you could have done the same thing by killing him.”

“Well you took care of that, didn’t you?” Rey replied, and Ren fell silent. She sighed and took his hand.

“I guess it’s best that he’s gone. But now the portions can’t just go to his men. Maybe now everyone will have a chance.”

“Maybe.”

She could tell he had different ideas about the situation, but he was smart enough to keep it to himself. She scratched her back. They needed to leave before Plutt’s remaining men found them. Besides, there was nothing left here for her--except for the ATAT.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments everyone! They fueled me to write this chapter. Y'all are the bomb!


	19. Chapter 19

**Ren**

They approached her speeder, and Ren had a small flare of hope.

“Should I call for the ship?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“We’re not done.”

He grunted, watching her out the corner of his eye as she gracefully threw herself up onto the seat of the vehicle.

“Come,” she commanded, and patted the place behind her. Immediately Ren felt distaste rise within him.

“You’re kidding.”

She wrinkled her freckled nose. “No. Come.”

“The exhaust cone will be too hot to sit on,” he objected, running a hand through his wild hair.

She snorted. “There’s a high density shield coating it. If there wasn’t, I wouldn’t have a backside.”

He was not doing that. Sitting behind her, holding on like a scared child. “I’ll walk.”

“Stop being a stubborn ass,” she snapped. “Are you really that senseless?”

He stared up at her as she squinted down. They held a steady gaze, until finally the impatience wore out. Wordlessly, he climbed up and behind her.

“Hold on,” she said, a bit of tease in her voice to mock him. He pressed his lips together firmly, but wrapped his arms around her waist. Luckily he did, for they went off like a shot.

She laughed as they sped fast over the sand, a loud, ringing sound. She cheered as the speed increased, and Ren narrowed his gaze as she leaned forward. What the hell was this thing made of?

Suddenly they were tipping, turning. Flipping! They were upside down then right side up. She had rolled them, mid flight. This was nothing Ren hadn’t seen before from his cocky father, but never purposefully on an open speeder. Still, it seemed to thrill Rey, who was happier than he had possibly ever seen her.

A huge grey form took shape in the distance, and grew until it took the form of a fallen AT-AT walker, the kind used by the Empire. When they slowed down to a stop, he was startled because Rey had never mentioned that she had lived in a walker. But, he supposed, it was much better than some mud hut or ragged tent. He imagined a skinny little girl crawling inside the metal frame and curling up in the sand within.

They both dismounted from the machine, and Rey quickly connected a wire on the side to ensure its safety. But then she paused, the laughter gone out of her, and he came up behind her.

“It feels like it’s been ages,” she said quietly. Her feelings felt tumultuous, making Ren unable to read any of them. He stared at her, and she didn’t say anything else. Finally, she licked her lips and then took a few slow steps to duck inside.

Ren went in after her, and bumped into her because she had stopped again. He blinked against the change in light, and touched her arm gently.

It was grey inside, full of metal corners. The floor was metal, and the place was dark, the light coming in from the bright hole of a doorway they came in from. Little shelves full of small, polished chrome bits and other things were all around, and two propane tanks housed what appeared to be a makeshift stove. A few metal containers were stacked neatly, and resembled dishes. A sleeping hammock, quite dusty now, hung in a small alcove with a makeshift lamp. Only one folded blanket laid on it. Another, more forlorn blanket laid on the floor like a small nest although it contained nothing. But overall, what was most striking was a large, tall wall that curved upward and was covered in small tally marks. They went higher than Ren, and went farther than two of his arm spans. Thousands of little marks, all over the walls like décor.

Rey caught his eyes and emotionlessly said, “One for every day I was here. So I could keep track.”

It was overwhelming, and Ren could almost taste the loneliness that the walls displayed. It echoed the cries he had heard in Rey’s mind, the ones that haunted him sometimes at night when he thought of her.

Rey turned slowly and walked around pointing out things to him then, forcing him to pay attention. “A doll I made…a flower that grew here once…some rocks I liked and kept…my stove, built from an old generator…my wash tin…my bed.” She pointed to the small blanket on the floor. “That’s where BB-8 stayed the night when he was here.”

Ren’s eyes narrowed then, but something in her voice made him look to her next. He saw her expressive face deceive her inner feelings; she bit her lip and looked sad.

“Rey?” He asked, but she didn’t answer. The light, fading from the sky, was making the place darker and the mood much more somber. Ren heard the flap of wings from somewhere outside and frowned.

“Let’s just eat,” Rey said flatly. Ren nodded and ducked out of the small place to retrieve the small bag from the speeder that contained the few portions and water that was left. When he returned she hadn’t moved, only snapped her head to meet his eyes when he came through the door.

“Here,” she said, and he gave her the bag. He stood there awkwardly as she began cooking, stripping the plastic off the green slabs and tossing them in the pan. He came up behind her and was surprised when she brushed off his touch.

“Will you light the lantern?” she asked, and after a moment, he nodded. She couldn’t see him, but didn’t comment. She finished cooking after he lit the lantern and looked around again. She wordlessly handed him a plate and cocked her head towards the door. He followed her out and sat next to her in the sand as the sun set.

As Ren choked down what was surely the worst food in the galaxy, he and Rey sat in silence. He knew that everything must be overwhelming her, so he squashed the frustration the built inside him at her reserve. His effort was rewarded when she laid her head on his shoulder.

“It’s kind of rotten, isn’t it?” She asked, referring to the food. He chuckled and put his arm around her.

“Terrible.”

She paused, then answered, “I ate it for so many years. Just that, nothing more.” Her voice broke on the last word and he tried to comfort her.

“It’s alright,” he tried, but she shook her head.

“Everything was so different,” she replied. “I’m tired, Ren. I’m tired.”

He reached for her but she pulled back again. “I just…I want to be alone. Tonight.”

He gaped at her. Sure, her little hammock wouldn’t fit them both, but what did she expect him to do? Sleep in the goddamn sand?

However, she didn’t give him time to question her and instead darted up and inside the door. He was left outside, alone. After about half an hour of trying to keep his damn temper under control, he went inside.

She was curled up in the hammock, back to him, and he angrily grabbed the stupid blanket the droid had used on the floor. Balling it up beneath his head, he went out and laid on the sand he hated. Rey had blocked him completely, only adding to his frustration. With a tight chest and a pounding headache, he fell asleep.

~

His eyes were as gritty as the rest of his body. His grey clothes were peppered with dust and grains of sand. If the dinner had been bad, the night of sleep was worse. The already blinding sun had woken him at the crack of dawn, and he felt the stir of Rey’s energy inside the ATAT. He got up slowly, listening. He hesitantly went inside, scratching his head to rid his dark, waved hair from the sand. Rey was still curled up on the hammock, but her thin shoulder blades shook. With a frightening jolt, Ren realized she was crying and went to her.

“Rey, Rey…What’s wrong?”

She turned to him and he knelt down to be level with her. To his surprise, she threw her arms around him.

“It didn’t work…it didn’t work!”

Trying to keep calm, he sat back and let her slip into his arms. “What? What didn’t work?” He asked, but she just sobbed and shook her head.

Swallowing hard, he tried again. “You have to tell me. Explain what’s wrong!”

He felt her nod and take a hitched breath. She pressed her eyes into him as he gripped her tight. “I just wanted to feel it, one more time. To wake up and before I remember, to just feel like me again…to have that life again. Uncomplicated, simple. No force, no resistance, nothing!” She held onto his shirt tightly. “Just one more time...”

“I know, love,” he whispered, finally understanding as he stroked her hair. He had wished that before as well. To wake up from a dream of before though…it was painful.

“I was nobody,” she murmured into his chest. “And it wasn’t always bad.”

He held her and they swayed as he tried to think of something to make it better. “You’re strong, love. This was just a part of your life. You have to say goodbye.”

She sucked in a shaky breath, then slowly nodded. He kissed the top of her head and released her to fetch the cloth bag she had bought yesterday.

“What do we take?” he asked.

She swallowed and looked about her, slowly. She went to the ragged little doll first, and handed it to him. He placed it into the bag softly. Next was an old comlink, an imperial one. She gave him an old, dried flower that was between two pieces of parchment. She stroked a Rebel pilot helmet, but didn’t give it to him.

“Do you want that?” he finally asked, gently. She looked at him for a moment and then slowly put it on and gazed about her. He said nothing, only watched her like he was seeing the last bird of its kind. After a moment she took it off and shook her head.

“No, I don’t want it,” she replied. Even softer, she added, “I’m a real pilot now.”

He gazed at her for a long moment, watching the shadows from her long eyelashes drape across her cheeks as she gave the helmet a final, gentle pat. She seemed to desire nothing else, only going and drawing her fingers across her things until she came to the wall of marks. He came to stand beside her, seeing the shadows beneath her wide eyes.

“It was so long. So long, waiting.”

He nodded. “We will find out about them, Rey. I promise.”

She continued to gaze at them, but gradually reached out and took his hand. He held it firmly and let her be the one to pull them away from the scene and back to the entrance.

“Rey…” Ren started. “The speeder?”

She looked up at him with a startled, almost heartbroken expression. “I…I can’t. It’ll rust out here, and I…”

He got the sense that she was going to begin crying again and cursed her as his only weakness. “Don’t fret. I’ll have it picked up…and dropped wherever you choose.”

Rey's eyes were wide with shock now, her soft lips an O. “You’d do that?”

He glared fiercely at her and then cast his gaze ahead. “Yes.”

She leaned her head against his arm and clutched his hand tight. “I love you.”

He couldn’t answer back, only nodded. The tracker, having been pressed before, began flashing. The plane had come to pick them up.

~

**Rey**

Hollow and tired, she leaned against Ren for the rest of the trip. He seemed content to hold her despite the emotional rollercoaster she had felt him ride throughout their time at Jakku. He wasn’t good at hiding his emotions from her.

She had cried it all out on Jakku, but still felt the echo of the ATAT in her ears. She hated it, but she loved it. She hated her time on Jakku, but she still longed for it. It was incredibly frustrating, making her want to do nothing but forget.

If Ren sensed this, he said nothing. When they arrived, he changed and kissed her before leaving to report on whatever excuse he had come up with to go to Jakku. After every grain of sand was washed down the drain in the refresher, Rey climbed into bed but couldn’t sleep. Her mind was too full of thoughts and memories; her heart beat too fast. It was a relief when Ren returned, for it was something else to focus on.

He came and sat on the bed and cupped her cheek. “Are you alright?” he asked.

She nodded, but he didn’t seem appeased. After stripping off his robes, shirt, and boots, he crawled into bed with her.

“I’m sorry I made you sleep on the sand,” she told him.

“I’m sorry I had to eat that portion.”

She shoved him a bit. “Ass.”

He kissed her neck and kept himself there, pressing his lips along the base. “I’m sorry anyone has to eat that filth,” he murmured.

She recalled the sea of people, grabbing at the many, many portions they had distributed. “Mmm…To some, it’s gold.”

“And you it’s charitable giver,” he said sarcastically. She sighed, not expecting him to really understand.

She rolled over and looked into his eyes, remembering the tenderness he had displayed to her throughout the entire time. She hadn’t realized how hard it would be, and she saw now how much she needed him there. Really needed him.

“I need you,” she suddenly voiced, and his eyebrow cocked itself at her.

“You need me,” he repeated, asking for clarification. The hint of disbelief in his tone made her want to just kiss his foolish mouth.

She nodded, suddenly remembering before, how she had told him the opposite. And how it had hurt him. “Always. I was wrong. I will always need you.”

His eyes, usually so hard or angry, were filled with such emotion that it embarrassed her.

“I need you too,” he said with a shyness she had not seen before, his eyes downcast before she leaned forward. They kissed very softly and he continued to do so down her cheek.

“Ren?”

“Hm?”

She inhaled deeply for this one, cheeks growing warm. “I also…need you…right now.” She hadn't voiced this before, just initiated things with her touch, not words.

He pulled back and scanned her pink face with suspicion, as if she was joking. Then he brightened with understanding and smiled mischievously.

“Need me, hm?.…doing what?”

She shoved him, hard this time, but lucky for him he was ready for it.

“Don’t be perverted,” she scolded, and he laughed in her face.

“That ship has sailed.”

Her face must have betrayed her dismay, because he leaned closer to her ear, his lips and nose brushing against the soft skin and murmured: “I won’t tease you. I need you as well. Very much.”

He kissed her, but then pulled back, face contorting into a small grimace. “You didn’t want this. Before. Have you changed your mind?”

She nodded very slowly, resting her head on his shoulder. “I want this. I want you.”

He caught her chin and made her look up. “I want you too. Always.”

Rey’s eyes closed and a sigh escaped her as Ren’s hand crept beneath her tunic. The pads of his fingers made delicious tremors run up her spine, and their lips met in a soft clash. His lips pressed hard against hers, their tongues intertwined. Their clothes were soon wrestled off and their bodies pressed close. Rey whimpered and sunk her nails into Ren’s flesh as he touched her.

“Come here,” he whispered, pulling her up so that she sat on his lap, his hard cock rubbing against her core.

Rey ran her hands down Ren’s scarred skin, kissing and loving every inch. A heady sigh left the man’s lips as she brushed against his hardness. His hands kneaded her breasts lovingly, eyes hungry. She gazed back at him before smashing her lips to his, wanting, needing. Her hand slipped between them and she took him in her hand and rubbed him against her slick walls.

“Rey,” he said, warning in his voice. Rey knew the feeling, she felt it at that very moment. God, she wanted him. Now. She lifted her hips and slipped him in, but only just so he was barely inside.

He growled and tried to push himself into her, but she forced him down. “Not yet,” she told him fiercely.

“You tease,” he hissed.

“Look at me,” Rey said, his dark eyes darting up to stare intensely into hers. “I love you. I love you.”

A deep exhale left Ren, his forehead touching hers. “I love you too. Always.”

“Always,” she mouthed, and then lowered herself onto him as they kissed. Both groaned in unison as they finally had some relief in their joining. They moved together instantly, the rhythm falling into place easily. Every breath was a small gasp, every exhale a soft moan. Ren’s hands, placed on Rey’s hips, slipped up and down her ribs and sides of her.

“Beautiful,” he breathed. “You’re so beautiful.”

Her eyes darted away from his, and he kissed her cheek. When she looked at him, with his dark, soulful eyes, scattering of dark marks, strong arms and waved hair, she felt a longing and desire that she had never felt with anyone else. He was striking and handsome, but the words never came to her. Every inch of him was beautiful to her.

“Hold me,” she whispered. His arms came around her fully, and he crushed her to his chest while they still moved together.

She pressed her face into the crook of his shoulder. “More, Ren.”

He held her even tighter, and finally the tightness in her chest eased. Loved, loved, she felt so loved and safe. The touch of his hot lips on her shoulder and neck only intensified the feeling inside her, and she realized that she was drawing close already.

“Oh, I’m—“

She felt it washed over her as he tugged her down, hard. All over, from her fingers to her toes was pleasure. She moaned out unabashedly this time, her loins tightening as she leaned back into Ren’s arms.

His hands laid her down onto her back then, their bodies shifting but not parting as Ren began to pound into her once more, even deeper this time. His chest heaved and Rey locked her arms around his neck and her eyes on his. He kissed her deeply and gripped her hips hard as they moved faster. Rey bit her lip as she felt herself begin to mount again, fast.

“Rey…” Ren growled as her breath began to hitch. “Come, love.”

“Just…a little…harder…” she replied, her breasts brushing against his chest in a roll of their hips. She felt everything that he felt, felt his own pleasure edging close. But what pushed her over was a deep groan that erupted from him as he came himself, making her lose control in his arms once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so their trip to Jakku ends! Thanks for all the support, sorry for the spotty updating. It'll get worse now that the end of the semester approaches us and I have long papers to write :( Your guys comments keep me motivated though, so thanks again!


	20. Chapter 20

**Rey**

It was amazing, she thought, how he made her feel. They hadn’t spoken about Starkiller, or her training, or anything. They had just slipped past it, buried it in the sand. But it nagged at her, every time she saw his scar. Pink and jagged, it did nothing to ruin the attraction of his features. Yet a little part of her hurt when she saw it. When she touched it with light fingertips, her turned away. She felt his disgust. _Don’t._

There wasn’t much time left; she had been serious about the time constraint. And she wanted answers. She felt like they were drawing closer, and she wanted to tear down the walls she felt.

He had been neglecting his duties once they were back aboard his ship to be with her. She had run a hand through his hair and admonished him for it, but he had only crushed his mouth to hers. He wanted to live in a fantasy world. He wanted to forget.

Curled into him one night, she let him hold her hand. He was in a mood where little could make him happy.

“I wish we were back on Naboo again,” he mumbled into her skin, and her eyebrows raised in surprise.

“You do?”

He nodded. “Things were good there. It was when we were on Starkiller that things were bad.”

She turned towards him and let him lay his head on her breast. His long graceful fingers laced with hers squeezed lightly.

“It wasn’t the change of location that did us in,” Rey said lightly.

“Mm.” He just said, and she didn’t push it. She closed her eyes instead, worry creeping into her thoughts.

He must have sensed the change because he lifted his head and when she opened her eyes, he was staring right at her, the dark gleam of his eyes making it impossible to look away.

He kept his eyes locked with hers as he leaned down and kissed her chest. Didn’t look away when he went lower, then lower. He grazed her thigh with his dark head and she swallowed, arousal sweeping through her already. He kissed the closed apex of her legs and she inhaled sharply, head falling back.

“Rey,” he called softly, wanting her eyes back on his. He liked for her to watch.

His Hands swept her pants down her thighs and peeled them off of her. Next he slid his fingers beneath the thin straps of her underwear, tugging them away as well. She swallowed as he hovered, his gaze momentarily distracted by her bareness before him.

His large hands spread her open, and she tensed. He waited, caressing the inside of her thighs with his thumb until he felt her relax. Then he crept closer to the slit beneath dark curls where she was already wet with want. For him.

He had admitted before that she was the only person he had ever done this with, but still somehow he knew well what he was doing. A single swipe of his tongue left her boneless and tense all at once. Desire coiled within her, strained, and she loved it.

He hummed while he did it, focused and content. She whimpered when he drew circles around the nub that throbbed, and sighed when he went lower to where she ached. He devoured her happily, dark gaze flicking up now and then to see the expressions she could not disguise.

Today was somehow different. She was trying to lose herself as she so often did with him, but her chest was tight. She closed her eyes, trying to just _feel_. She didn’t always let him do this, it felt so open and bare. The first time, she had him hold her hand while he did it—she had been scared. It was too vulnerable.

Emotion welled in her, choking her. She tried to stop it, but everything rushed at her so fast; his arms, pinning her legs down, were constricting. Her fear, her memories from Starkiller and the approaching date of her supposed release. The overwhelming feeling of his love and the edge of his darkness. It all came for her in that moment.

“Stop!” She cried, letting out a small sob. Her hands, which had been clutching the sheets of the bed, were shaking.

Ren’s head bobbed up immediately and the pressure of his arms were gone. She saw the fear on his face, but somehow it only made her more upset and she let out another sob.

“Darling,” he rasped. “Did I hurt you?”

She reached for him and shook her head. He had her tucked against him immediately, fingers brushing away tears.

“You have to let me go,” she cried into his chest. “You can’t do it again, I can’t—“

“What?” Confusion and anxiety made up his deep voice as he tried to pry her from him to see her face, but she clutched him close. She was embarrassed and confused herself—how had she dissolved into this ball of nerves so quickly?

“You promised,” she sobbed. “You promised.”

His hand smoothed her hair a little too hard—she was scaring him. “I don’t understand, Rey. I thought we had two more days. Did I—did I say something to make you think--?”

She shook her head again. “Oh, Ren,” she choked.

He held her tightly to him. “Help me understand. I want to understand.”

She swallowed hard, trying to stop crying. “I just—I feel like it’s going to happen again. I don’t want to be a prisoner, but I just feel—I can’t stop thinking—“

“It’s ok,” he soothed. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry Rey.”

“I know.”

A deep, sorrowful sound came from his throat. “No, I—I should have…You’re not a prisoner. I know it must feel like it did last time, but I swear it’s different, I know…” his voice broke. “I know I can’t keep you.”

He sounded like he was in so much pain that Rey pulled back. He didn’t meet her eyes, and she touched his cheek.

“I still love you,” she said. “I just have to know.”

He nodded, eyes distant. “You’re free,” he managed. “Even if you wanted to leave now. I would. I would let you go.”

Curiosity nudged at her. “Why is it different this time?”

Pain was etched deep in his gaze. “I’m so afraid,” he whispered, his hands coming up to cradle her cheeks. “I’ve been so afraid of losing you. I thought…when you were gone…that you hated me. That I had lost you. That’s why I had to find you, capture you again. I needed to know if it had been a lie. I felt that you leaving meant that you hated me, but I see now that it didn’t mean that.”

“Yes,” she said slowly, and without a thought her eyes began to trace his scar.

“I know you love me,” Ren said, desperation thick like syrup. “But it’s so easy to forget. I doubt it when you are gone, I wonder…But if I do the right thing, what you want…then maybe it won’t feel like that.”

She touched his forehead against his. “I don’t understand Ren. How could you forget?”

He shook his head. “The darkness…” he tried, but then failed. “I just have to hold onto it, tightly.”

She kissed him carefully on his lips, and then his eyelids. “Let it be known,” she said quietly. “That I love you. I can’t…even when you are filled with darkness, I still love you. I know you’re here.”

She leaned back and his full lips faltered.

“I won’t give up on you,” she said.

“And when I am a monster?”

She looked at him reproachfully. “I know it is not who you are inside. I just want you to be you. Why is it so hard?”

He shrugged and removed himself enough to stand.

“I can’t be a man you want,” he said.

She tilted her head and let her shoulders fall. “You are already not the man you were when we met.”

He sighed. “Is it love that makes me weak?”

She went to stand next to him. “No. It makes you strong. It makes me strong.”

“Hm,” was all he had to reply.

**Kylo**

He hadn’t realized how much he had hurt her. How scared she was. Rey was a pillar of strength. Only lately had he been able to peer inside and see more. It was nice, really, to have her trust him so. He knew it meant a lot for her to show him the vulnerability she had shown on Jakku and even tonight.

It made him only love her more.

If it wouldn’t insult her, he would have told her how much he wanted to protect her. To ensure that she never was hurt again. Not by anyone, especially himself. But it seemed inevitable—he was always doing the wrong thing. Even when he knew he was, he still did it.

“Sometimes I think you don’t know me at all,” he told her. His voice sounded more tired than he expected.

She had a little frown between her eyes. “What do you mean by that?”

He smoothed the skin there to erase the frown. “I think you see me as someone I’m not.”

Rey shook her head and leaned against him. “I know who you are. I know what you do.”

He swallowed dryly. “Yet you are still here. Why?”

She circled around to face him, grasping both of his limp wrists in her hands.

“Because you are not the man you wish to be. Kylo Ren, the Jedi Killer, is not all you are. It’s not who you are with me.”

“It is still a part of me.”

She nodded slowly. “You don’t scare me. The darkness is a part of us both.”

He stepped in closer to look down at her upturned face. “You could never be like I am. You are a light in the darkness.”

Careful hazel eyes considered him for a moment. “We balance each other nicely,” she said.

This was something he had not considered, and he felt himself frowning. So it seemed she was right.

She stretched up and closed the space between them. Her soft lips melted into his and the tension in him withered. When he broke the kiss, his thumb stroked her cheek as he examined her eyes.

“Do you want to leave? Right now?”

She shook her head and slipped her arms around him, lying her head on his chest.

“No, I’ll stay for two more days. I don’t—“ she paused. “I don’t know when we will be able to be together again.”

He nodded wordlessly, stroking her hair.

“We’ll figure it out,” he replied.

~

Two fleeting days later, he numbly watched her check the ship for takeoff.

She sighed, resting her hand on the ship, giving it a little pat like it was a pet before she turned and caught his eye.

“You look so sullen,” she said, clearly in an effort to be lighthearted. Ren reached for her and ignored the effort, trying to soothe the monster inside him the screamed of her abandonment.

“You will be all right?” He asked, sounding rougher than he meant.

She squeezed him tightly, her arms just reaching all the way around him.

“I’ll be fine. I’m only going so far as to change ships.”

He felt his lips slide into a pout. He had insisted that the ship wasn’t bugged, but she was firm. And at this point, he found it impossible to argue with her.

“Be careful,” he insisted darkly, and she pulled back to look him square in the eye.

“I’m going to be _fine,_ ” she stressed, her head cocking to the right. “I’m more worried about you here than I am about myself.”

“You have terrible priorities,” he replied. He expected a quick, slashing remark, but she just laughed a little and kissed the corner of his mouth.

“Promise me you’ll remember,” she whispered, digging her palms into his dark hair. “ _Promise.”_

Dry mouthed, he nodded. “I promise.”

His communicator beeped and his heart leapt at the little sigh she made. Her hands slid from his hair.

“Trust me,” she whispered. “This won’t be the last. But I need you to trust me.”

He nodded again and looked away, not able to look at her and hide the overwhelming need that had suddenly clutched him.

“I love you,” she said, and squeezed his hand. He couldn’t answer her, and as her fingers slipped from his he found it impossible to watch her leave. His empty hand clenched into a fist.

The door to the ship closed with a hiss. The sound reverberated in the empty hangar that Ren had cleared just for this. He felt the air pick up as the engines whirred to life and with great resign, he raised his mask up and put it back on.

Her ship rose just as his visuals clicked on. Through the visor, he watched the ship hover at the exit, preparing for the jump to hyperspace. As her ship etched out of sight, Ren felt wetness slide down his cheek and into his neck.

He turned away as his outer communicator beeped again. With one, swift clench of his fist, he destroyed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so late and short, but I wanted to update and let everyone know I'm still alive and loving this story. I simply haven't had any time or motivation due to finals and such, my apologies! You all are wonderfully encouraging and understanding, thank you. Soon enough I'll have more than enough time to write! Until then, imagine Rey's excitement at flying a First Order ship~ You know she'd love it!


	21. Chapter 21

**Kylo**

A few weeks of absolute anguish passed, and after a meeting his presence was called up to the reception deck.

“Sir,” a general greeted him with a swift nod. “An unidentified transmission has arrived. Usually we would disregard it, but it was clearly sent for you. Do we have your permission?”

Ren heard a huge thud in his chest as it leapt, almost as if it had been silent the entire time before that moment. _Rey._ Surely it was her.

“No!” He snapped. “Give me the chip. I will review it. Privately.” He stared hard at the man through his mask, and the general swallowed hard, his adam’s apple bobbing.

“Of course sir,” He said, motioning for a subordinate to fetch the chip. “Shall we—shall we do the same with any others like it, if they come?”

 _Others._ Please, god. The younger officer handed over the chip, and the general held it out to Ren. For a moment, he didn’t answer, only focused on the precious little piece that surely held Rey inside.

“Yes,” Ren finally snapped, coming back to life. He snatched the chip and whirled out of the room, taking large, fast strides to his apartment. The moments felt like hours—it was surely the longest walk he had ever been on.

Inside, he ripped his helmet off and plunked down in the nearest chair, his datapad flying into his hand via the force. His hand shaking ever so slightly, he inserted the chip into the port and held his breath as he approved it’s viewing.

A light blue hologram of Rey appeared, her whole body included. She gazed at the camera for a moment, as if she was unsure of what to say.

“Ren,” she began, “I wanted to tell you that I’m alright. Don’t look for me—I’m to start my training again. I saw your mother, by the way. She asked about you. She reminds me of you…”

The back of Ren’s neck bristled. So the General had asked about him. Almost as if Rey could have sensed his reaction, she waved her hand as if to change her thoughts.

“Anyways, I…I miss you. Not that ship, but you. I wish you’d come. The offer still stands.” It was then that she looked straight into the lens, as if she knew he was leaning close, hanging onto her every word.

“It’ll always stand. I think of you, and no matter where you go or what you do, I’ll…I’ll love you. Don’t forget. I hope you are alright. Think about it, Ren. I’ll be in touch, eventually.” She reached out, almost as if she could trace his jaw once more. “I’ll see you again.”

After a moment, it blinked off, and Ren’s eyes flashed as they tried to adjust to the absence of the hologram’s light. Something within him was filled. Still, he was as desolate as before, but a small flame burned within. To keep him going.

To hear her say his name, to tell him of her love. The lack of sureness in her voice indicated that she felt apprehensive in sending him the message; perhaps she was scared of it being traced. Or perhaps it was the vulnerability she had shared. Or maybe it could be that she felt like he did, wondering, fearing that the other felt different now. That the love once held had been snuffed out.

Damn her, he couldn’t send her a message back. Nothing of reassurance to her as she had given him. And he had so many questions. Was she to be trained by his mother—or did she go back to Luke? Was Luke coming to the resistance, or was she going to him? And where? Was she safe? Was FN-2187 with her? What about the pilot? She hadn’t mentioned Han Solo—Had he already disappointed her and fled to the scum-riddled Outer Rim?

It was incredibly frustrating, but the message had quieted his thoughts. He played it again and again, cherishing certain bits more than others. He then placed it in a small attachment within his helmet where it could only be accessed if the helmet was taken off. He’d have her message close all the time.

He didn’t tell Snoke; he told no one. It was his, no one else’s. Rey, speaking only to him. More precious than anything else.

~

**Rey**

Leia’s face held nothing but relief when Rey saw her as she stepped off her ship. Finn was there too, waiting for her, his face etched in worry.

“Rey!”

She was enveloped in a hug and hugged him back just as tightly.

“You escaped! I thought you had made some kind of deal with him, that you’d be trapped—“

“It was only to be for a few days,” Rey said awkwardly, and Leia and her exchanged a look. Leia’s dark eyes—so much like her son’s—were searching.

“You’re ok?” Finn asked. Rey gave him a wide smile and nodded.

“Perfectly. He gave me a ship, and off I went.”

Leia stepped forward and laid a hand on Rey’s shoulder. “We were so surprised when we got your call for a ship. We thought it was some kind of ploy.”

Rey lifted up her arms and shrugged. “Just me.”

They began walking down the runway, Finn peppering her with questions.

“What did he want? He just gave you a ship? What kind of game is he playing?”

Rey frowned a little as her gut twisted. She didn’t want to answer his questions, but Finn deserved a real explanation.

“Are you alright, Finn? When I last saw you…”

He gave her a smile, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I’m alright. Just a bit of bacta and I was better.”

Rey tried to give him a smile, but the memory of Ren’s black eyes, narrowed in anger flashed across her mind.

“Let’s get you settled in, Rey,” Leia interjected, and Rey was grateful for the diversion.

“Oh, well, I was thinking I’d get back to Luke.”

Leia stopped and grabbed Rey’s arm, her features sharp with intensity. “You know where my brother is?”

“W-Well, I assumed he went back to the island,” Rey said. She looked from Finn’s concerned expression to Leia’s. “He hasn’t contacted you?”

“No, we’ve only known what Finn told us. You were picked up there, and Luke was gone.”

Rey chewed on her bottom lip. “He’s had to have gone back. He knows I’ll go there looking for him. I have to complete my training.”

Leia sighed deeply. “Why don’t you stay here for a bit? We can send someone to the island—“

“No!” Rey was shocked at her own tenacity. “I mean, I think Ren will be watching the island. I think Luke may have left something there, maybe so I can find him. But I don’t think he’ll be there.”

She ducked her head down. “Besides, I can’t stay here. I have to get stronger, complete my training.”

Finn’s voice was soft. “Stay here, Rey. You’ll fit in great, you can work on the ships.”

Leia shook her head, a glint of something in her eye. “No, Rey is destined for something more. She’s right, she should be trained in the Force. You’re sure, aren’t you?”

Rey felt a surge of understanding with the older woman. “Yes.”

Leia smiled. “Come see me before you leave. Finn will show you to the dorms, where you can rest for a night or two before you take off. Finn, take her to General Leig when she’s ready.”

Finn nodded, and Leia turned to go down another corridor. Rey stared after her for a moment before she was tugged by Finn.

“Hey, c’mon.”

She walked with him, examining the large base. So busy, the halls packed with people talking and laughing and working. The place hummed with the Force, and there were no sticky bits of darkness clinging to the energy. It flowed, like a great river.

Finn showed her to a little room with a bunk and a shelf and pointed out the public refresher. Then he and Rey sat down on the bed and he clasped his hands together.

“So are you gonna explain all this to me? When I got back here and told Leia everything I knew, she wasn’t as worried as I was. I wanted to go and rescue you, but she insisted we wait. Why?”

Rey swallowed and traced the seam of her soft black pants—courtesy of the First Order—and sighed.

“Ren…he’s not just the man we fought on Starkiller. Who tortured you. Who interrogated me.” She looked up into Finn’s confused eyes and then back down. “He’s not all dark. With the Force. He’s still got light in him, he’s just…lost.”

Finn leaned back a little. “Are you warp-lagged? How—How is it that you feel anything but disgust towards him?”

Rey’s cheeks warmed. “He and I, we…” she stumbled. “When he took me capture—the first time—I got hurt, and he was worried about me. He’s twisted by Snoke, and he opened up. We understand each other, and there’s just this pull, this _bond_ , in the Force or just something. He…he cares about me. He loves me.”

Finn stood up, and Rey could feel his gaze, hard and intense.

“Rey,” he said, his voice shaking. “Are you in love with him?”

She couldn’t answer, he throat was tight. A small, small part of her had been so glad that she had not had to tell Finn about this before she left. She knew it would end up like this.

“Yes,” she replied softly.

His intake of breath was sharp, and when she looked up he wasn’t even looking at her. He ran a hand over his head, and his eyes were wild.

“How can you do this?” he finally exploded. “He tortured me and Poe! Killed children! Kidnapped you twice! _What is wrong with you?_ ”

Rey balled up the stiff wool blanket beneath her in her tight fist. “I know all that. But I can’t help it, I know, inside, he’s a good man. He’s made many, many bad choices, but somehow, I just—“ She shook her head.

“We were both so lonely,” she said. “We found each other, and it felt right.”

Finn cast her an exasperated look. “And what, you think you can fix him? The First Order just murdered two squadrons of our soldiers yesterday. They kidnapped me from my family and ruined my life. I have nightmares now, after the torture they put me through, every night. That’s what he is doing, Rey. That’s what he does.”

“I know,” She shouted. “I know. But somehow, I still love him.” She buried her head in her hands. She had never felt more ashamed.

“I thought—“ Finn’s voice broke. “I thought that someday, maybe…” he shook his head.

“I’m lonely too,” he said, so quietly that it broke Rey’s heart. “I thought that maybe someday, I could have been that person for you, and you for me.”

Eyes closed and shedding tears, Rey imagined it. Finn was a hundred percent. He was loyal, and he made her laugh and she _trusted_ him. More than anyone, even Ren. He and her were cut from the same cloth, their pasts so similar. They shared so much, and she knew she would have been happy, if it had gone that way.

But if they were cut from the same cloth, it made them more like brother and sister. She felt no heat between them, and there was just _something_ else missing. When Ren and her were together, she felt like something inside her finally unfurled. Something she didn’t feel with Finn.

“I’m sorry,” she finally said. “I do love you, Finn.”

“I know,” he said stiffly. “I love you too.”

She nodded. He sat back down. “You can’t fix him, Rey.”

She swallowed her irritation. Everyone assumed that she just saw Ren as a broken machine. He wasn’t.

“I know. I can’t do anything about who he is or the choices he makes. For now, we walk separate paths.”

Finn was silent for a long time. With effort, he finally said, “That must be hard for you, peanut.”

She nodded, tears coming to her eyes. “You don’t hate me, Finn? You don’t think I’m warvy?”

He clasped her up in a hug. “Nah. I’ll just have to trust you on this one. You always are a step ahead of me.”

She laughed, laying her head on his shoulder. “Finn?”

“Hm?”

“What’s a peanut?”

~

**Ren**

At night, he thought of her. He didn’t allow himself to during the day, unless by accident, so he could try and be free of the pain for a while. But at nights he spoke to his now silent grandfather and laid in bed, the scent of her still clinging to the sheets.

The thoughts came once again, whispering in the darkness. Doubts, fears, twisting his memories. But he’d close his eyes then, when a memory began to taste like copper, and remember her face, her words in his ear.

_Remember, Remember._

A bit of calmness would swell to fight against the consuming tide of loneliness. He could breathe a little easier. His nightmares returned without her in his arms, but some nights he was gifted with her smile, her laugh. She scolded him in his dreams for eating less, for being morose and nostalgic. Every waking, every day was a disappointment after those dreams.

He went about things methodically without much thought or fire. When Snoke commended him for improvement on his emotional control, Ren felt like a fraud. His lack of rages was simply from him feeling more numb than anything else. He worked with more focus, trying hard to banish her from his thoughts for just a little while longer.

He waited for her call, for another promised holo. But one didn’t come. He tried to meditate, hoping to maybe make contact with her, but he found nothing. Emptiness.

When his scouter reported her back at the island, he was relieved. He had stationed it be watched for Luke, but also because he thought she’d return. She was alive, she was well. His Rey, on the hunt for Luke Skywalker once again.

She stayed a few days, and Ren was sorely tempted to rush there. But he knew she wouldn’t like it, and Snoke had punished him for betraying orders and pursuing her again. A bad decision all around, Ren thought grimly.

On the second day, the scouter was hacked. When it was retrieved and decrypted, a message was found having been left among the ware. Of course she had known it was there; he had to stop underestimating her.

STOP SPYING ON ME. MEET ME ON CORELLIA, COORDINATES 145, 87 IN ONE STANDARD MONTH FROM TODAY. DON’T FORGET.

Ren exhaled, tracing the letters with almost lightheadedness. Finally, finally. He imagined what he would do, what he would say when he finally saw her again. Satisfied, he ordered the scouter to be put back, in a more discreet location. When she disappeared a day later, it was hacked again, with no message.

He let himself listen to the holo she had sent him once before falling asleep that night, a true indulgence. In his dream, sweet green grass brushed against their cheeks as they lay under Naboo’s bright sun.

~

**Rey**

She had been spot on about Luke. He’d carved a few old symbols into the wall of a cave they used to meditate in. Luckily for her, Luke had insisted on being thorough with her education and had taught her some basic symbols.

_Find me where the sun sets twice._

There was more than one planet with two suns, but she knew he was talking about Tatooine. His own desert planet. There was a set of general planet coordinates that she wrote down and grinned widely when she realized her old speeder would come into use.

She headed back to Leia’s base, where she took a larger ship that could accommodate her speeder to the desert planet. She was dropped off by an outpost, and she was surprised to find it somewhat both similar and dissimilar to Jakku. The air was drier, and the outpost wasn’t full of ragged tents and parts. It was more put together, like a town, with full scale catinas and shops. She wanted to explore, but stocked up on water and instead headed out towards the coordinates. She wanted to lay eyes on Luke as soon as possible.

He was cooking food for two when she found him in a rocky cliff cave.

“Feeling homesick?” She asked when she entered the door.

Luke turned and she felt his quiet relief even if his face didn’t betray it.

“Thought I’d try and show you how exciting Jakku was in comparison.”

She watched him dump the contents of his pan out onto two dishes and he raised an eyebrow at her.

“Drop your things, come on.”

She sat down, and it was like no time had passed. He didn’t ask her any questions, and neither did she. They sat in a peaceful silence as Rey gobbled up the stringy meat and vegetable paste Luke had prepared. The spice in it was hot, and she was surprised when he waved away her water canteen and instead presented her with a mug of blue milk.

“Nothing will take the heat out of your mouth but that and time,” he advised.

After they ate and each washed their single dish, they settled in by a crude fire pit. She sensed he was waiting.

So she talked. She told him of Jakku and Ren and Finn and Leia, trying not to sound interfering when she told him how worried the general had been. Luke nodded and looked thoughtful, as he always did.

“I thought Ren wouldn’t let you go,” he finally admitted to her when she was done.

She shrugged. “I can’t explain him.”

“Hm.” Luke frowned, eyes on the fire.

“Will we resume my training, then?” she asked eagerly.

Luke nodded and stroked his wiry beard. “Here, we can do some of the training I learned from Master Yoda. It’s quite the opposite from where I learned, but it’ll do. Besides, I have a feeling that we may need to accelerate things a little. Are you leaving soon?”

She wondered how much of his forecasting was the Force, and how much was simple perception. “In a bit less than a month, but just for a few days. I’m going to meet Ren.”

“Why?”

This she didn’t know quite how to answer. “Well…He feels like he needs to see me, and we’ll just—“ the tips of her ears burned. “We’ll miss each other.”

“Young love,” Luke remarked dryly.

Rey felt herself begin to protest. “If there’s any chance of his returning from the dark side, I’ll fight for it. If I abandon him, it’ll only feed into his dark side.”

Luke sighed. “One day, you’ll have to separate yourself from him if you want to become a Jedi.”

Rey bit her lip. “I don’t know if I can. I mean, if I really want to.” She looked at Luke for a moment before offering, “Love…it makes me feel stronger. It’s what helped me beat Ren on Starkiller. It’s what helped me survive Jakku.”

A faint smile appeared beneath Luke’s beard. “I believe that you will be a Jedi all your own,” he said thoughtfully.

Rey frowned. “Is that bad?”

Luke shook his head. “There were problems with the system to begin with, the dark and the light two drastically separate entities. You were either one or the other—it was why the Jedi only trained those they had had since they were babies. Men like me, and my father, we didn’t have a chance. How do you abandon fear, love, passion? Even Obi-Wan struggled with it.”

Rey nodded and drew her knees to her. “What does it mean?”

Luke shrugged. “What does any of it mean?” He answered in his maddening way. Rey hated those kind of answers.

“Well,” she paused. “Maybe we will all meet in the middle one day.”

Luke gave her a glance. “Perhaps.” He stood, and she set up her pallet near the fire. “Tomorrow, at first light.”

She nodded, buns bobbing against her head. “Tomorrow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have returned from the darkness of finals! I feel much refreshed. I hope to go back to updating more regularly, but as my last semester is approaching, I fear I will not be able to have a set day that I release a chapter on. I will do my best though; you guys do a fabulous job motivating me. I hope you guys like the new direction of the story, I feel like things are just now starting to really get rolling! Let me know what you think, and have happy, happy holidays!


	22. Chapter 22

The sun was setting as she landed the ship she had borrowed from the resistance on Corellia. Someday, when she had the time, she'd take apart the ship Ren gave her. Once every trace of the First Order was stripped from it, it could be her very own.

He wasn't here yet, but Rey felt an edge to her nerves that was distinctly Ren. He was close. She waited, looking around at the lush jungle with wonder. She heard creatures in the trees amidst the vines and was intrigued. Perhaps Ren and her could take a walk, like they used to. If he had the time. She had two days, she wondered if he was able to get away for so long. All that mattered is that he would be here, though.

She thought she'd burst when she finally sensed him in the atmosphere. He was landing, and she covered her eyes as debris flew up and around. But then the door was opening and he was coming down the strip and into her arms.

They said nothing, just held each other for a long moment. She felt his lips on her hair and he took a deep breath, as if he was smelling her.

Finally they parted, looking at each other a little awkwardly.

"You look well," he finally said, and she laughed, taking his hand. He relaxed a little, but did not smile.

"Come, I've a place for us."

Ren scoffed. "Some miserable hovel, I'm sure. Why don't you let me pick out a place?"

She shook her head. "It'll be fine. I don't want anything fancy."

"Hm, I suppose you don't," he mused, looking at her a bit quizzically.

"What?"

"Nothing. I'm just glad to see you."

She smiled at that.

The place she picked was a bit rough, and the woman at the front desk had a knowing smirk Rey didn't like. It implied something that made her gut curl, and she let go of Ren's hand.

He noticed, but said nothing. However, once the door was closed he took it again, drawing her close.

"Stop worrying."

She frowned at him, not sure if she liked him reading her so well. He was the one who's face often betrayed him, and she liked that upper hand.

Ren had a little smile on his lips as he cupped her face. "Let me look at you."

She watched him examine her, brushing his thumb over her lips with a soft little sigh. "Perfect."

She shoved him away half-heartedly. "I can't take you seriously if you are silly."

"I am being serious." He tugged her again to his body, pressing their mouths together feverishly. Soon enough they were on the bed, and with a pop she forced them apart.

"Wait, wait. I want to talk to you."

He groaned. "Right now?"

Her glare was enough to silence him, and he pressed an apologetic kiss to her forehead and cuddled her against him. "Talk to me, then."

He was warm. They both still had all their clothes on, but she felt so strange, being held. Good strange.

"I have so much to tell you," she said, but the sudden urge to spill it all out was gone. She was content with just _this._

"About your training?"

She nodded, but it was much more than that. It was the double sunset on Tatooine, the pod races Luke took her to. It was the first time she was able to levitate her own body. It was the funny story Luke told her, and her conversation with Finn, and the way she thought about him every night when the moon came out.

"Cat got your tongue?"

She shook her head. "I just missed you."

"I've missed you too."

She shook her head, wondering if he really understood. She craved being able to share these things with him. She felt like she was forgetting things that she had wanted to tell him. There was no way else to describe it: she wanted to share her life with him, a man millions and millions miles away.

"It feels impossible, to keep this up. I want to tell you so much, but suddenly, I…" She didn't want to tell him. She wanted him to be there with her. "It's hard."

He hummed his agreement. "Only now does it feel like I can breathe."

She rolled onto his chest to be able to look him in the eye. "Is it that bad?"

He nodded, eyes distant and sad. "It's better than last time."

"Good."

He wasn't telling her how he really felt. She knew it was bad, sometimes obsessive. She knew that it wasn't really healthy, but that inside he really did love her. His twisted love right now was still sweeter than anything else Rey had experienced, and she loved him despite the darkness.

"I know," she said comfortingly, stroking his arm idly. "I know it hurts you."

He nodded, but his breaths became deeper, more relaxed. Rey listened to the sound, and was so focused that his hand on her back surprised her.

"I'm tired, Rey."

She kissed his chest and closed her eyes. "Sleep then." A little smile crept up. "There's time for everything else later."

He examined her face but then kissed her forehead. His fingers idly created patterns on her back as she snuggled into him. She took a deep breath, the smell of his skin so comforting. They fell quickly, succumbing to the intoxicating presence of each other.

When Rey finally woke up, she kissed Ren awake and they made love. Three times. It was passionate and desperate, both of them holding onto each other for dear life. She reveled in his body; his muscles dwarfed hers, and she felt like hers were nothing to sneeze at. He made her feel small, his body covering hers, his huge arms and broad chest so strong and solid. She tugged and ran her hands through his dark waves again and again and refused to close her eyes for a moment. She loved his gaze on her, his eyes possessive and loving. She could practically _feel_ his thoughts. She was his, he was hers. He loved her with talons and teeth, with every bit of his darkness. From grey to black, his soul was hers to hold.

It was relief, pure relief that Rey didn't know she had been searching for, like cold water on sunburned skin. The awkwardness had slipped away while they had slept, and between their second and third time she told him stories of her training while eating the food he had brought. From time to time, he'd laugh, a deep, rich sound she adored. His serious brow lifted and his soft lips smiled at her, and she forgot that this was all so very hard.

"Is this how our lives will be then?" Ren asked her as they watched the sunset from their large window. Somehow he'd convinced her to sit in his lap, and she leaned back against him.

"Like what?"

"Short reprieves of a few days, then back to our lives?"

She shrugged. "How else could we do it?"

He was quiet. "What if you get tired of this?"

"Then I'd tell you. But I don't think I will."

Ren's force didn't feel too happy at her answer. "What about FN-2187?"

She smiled a little and felt him bristle.

"We had a talk. I told him about us."

"And?"

"He wasn't very happy. He was worried. And he had thought maybe we'd have become something."

A growl ripped from Ren's throat and she jumped, turning to glare at him. "Force, Ren, calm down."

He took a breath, but his dark eyes were like a wolf's, sharp and on edge.

"I told him it wasn't like that between me and him. You and I have something different that I couldn't just give up. He said he'd just have to trust me."

"I see."

"Are you being sullen?" She asked, twisting around to try and see his face.

"No," he lied. She kissed away his frown.

"Stop being jealous."

He kissed her neck and she laughed a little, the feeling ticklish. Still, she felt his need of possession. She hadn't forgotten his proposal, and the thought made her stomach sink a little. He nuzzled into her neck, but then pulled away, sensing her discomfort.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she lied. "Just thinking about tomorrow."

He tightened his arms around her. "I know."

She let him thread his fingers through hers. The sun had set, making the sky a pretty violet. Rey sighed, and stared aimlessly out at the skyline. Things were never simple.

Later, after a late dinner, they were laying on the bed, talking. Rey stroked her hand through Ren's dark hair, enjoying the silky texture. Her hair was never like that, dull and frayed from the harsh soap she had used all her life. Ren seemed to enjoy it anyways. Rey thought of his hair swaying, blowing through the wind. Dancing across his features.

"Do you know how to dance?" Rey asked suddenly.

Ren's lip curled a bit. "No."

"Me neither. Saw it in a holo once."

She remembered the couple dancing, their bodies moving together, so in sync. It reminded her of Ren while he was focused when he fought. Graceful, turning, swiftly deft with his feet. She had wondered if he had perhaps gotten it from knowing how to dance. She was a little disappointed. As a gawky teenager, she had allowed herself to imagine herself swept away like that, her feet somehow knowing what to do. In a world with very little love, it had been the most romantic thing she had ever seen.

Ren may have sense this, for he asked, "What kind of dancing?"

She shrugged. There was more than one way?

Ren grabbed his datapad from the bedside table and began tapping. Rey moved up a bit to cuddle into his neck so she could see. He pulled up an image of a couple, one suspended on her toes with her hand in the man's for balance.

"Like this?"

She shook her head. He tried again and pulled up a video of a very fast moving couple, their moves wide and flamboyant, huge grins on their face. Rey watched for a bit, enjoying it, but then shook her head no. Finally he pulled up a couple very close, moving like Rey had seen before.

"Like that," she said.

She and Ren watched it for a bit, his eyes sharp with concentration. Then the datapad went away and he was tugging her up with him.

"What?" She asked, and he pulled her to her feet.

"Let's try."

She was very unsure and suddenly embarrassed. "I don't know how."

He shrugged and outstretched his hand. "Neither do I."

She glanced from his hand to his dark eyes, and then found herself reaching forward. He tugged her against him, one hand on her waist. She hesitated before placing her free hand on his shoulder and then chewed on her bottom lip. "Aren't we supposed to have music?"

"Hm."

Ren reached over to the datapad again and replayed the video. The slow, old fashioned music set an easy beat, and he drew her away from the bed.

"Now what?" He asked, and she tried to move, but he didn't.

"Move together," she instructed. "Around."

So they did, forward and back. Unexpectedly, he let go of her waist and twisted their hands, forcing her to spin. She let out a laugh as she landed back in his arms.

"Again," she ordered.

They found a beat, hips swaying identically. She found herself beaming up at him, and was graced with his rare soft, sweet smile. The music swelled and he spun her a little faster, the room and reality slipping away. It was like flying, safe within his circle of arms. Her nightgown, so light and breezy, brushed against her legs like a kiss. She let go of her awkwardness and somehow their feet didn't step on each other. In tandem, they danced until the music stopped and their breaths came fast.

The only sound was their soft, little gasps and motionless, they stared at each other. She was overwhelmed at the adoration in his eyes, like she was treasured and holy. He leaned down and kissed her, but it was not desperate or bruising. It was perfectly sweet and tender, full of love. It touched her all the way down to her toes, her body humming as if electrified.

They parted with a shared gasp and he said, "I need you."

She threw herself closer into his chest and encircled his neck with both arms. "Yes, Yes," she breathed.

To her surprise, he picked her up, kissing her again. They settled on the bed with him over her, kissing the thoughts out of her mind. He had her gauzy nightgown off in a moment, kissing her bare breasts all over and stroking his hands down the strong sides of her stomach.

"Ren," she entreated, and he helped her shed him of his loose shirt and pants as well. He was already hard and proudly jutting against his body, red and hot. She wanted him in her mouth, wanted to feel him moan for her and come apart beneath her, but he wouldn't let her.

"No, not now. Let me love you."

She gave a disapproving whimper, but he didn't move down her body like he so often insisted upon. Instead he simply held her and kissed her, thumb stroking her right nipple, making it pulse under the rough pad of his finger.

She pulled him away and held his face in her hands, looking again into those deep eyes. "I love you," she whispered. He smiled, and kissed her chastely. He nudged against her and she opened to him, but he wouldn't take her.

"Let me prepare you, love," he mumbled, trying to move his fingers down to her throbbing core.

But she was already wet and wanting. She wanted him, now, and told him so.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, Ren. I know you're quite big, but you won't hurt me."

With a devilish smile he pushed forward, slipping into her with only a single push. He hissed and she groaned, for it felt like he was sliding home where he belonged.

"Gods, I wish you'd never leave me," She said, and he made a sound of pure desire. She pressed her face into his neck. "You feel so good."

"Yes," he managed, and began to thrust, erratic at first before developing a familiar rhythm. She ground her hips against him and felt waves of pleasure shoot up her body.

Ren ground back in return, thrusting harder already. A low moan from him startled Rey, and his lips suddenly peppered all over her face.

"Love you," he muttered. "So much."

She nodded, her throat suddenly tight. She pressed her thighs closer to him, willing him to be closer, deeper. "Ren," she begged. "Hold me."

His eyebrows raised in surprise at her unusual display of vulnerability. He withdrew and she whimpered, but he quickly slid beside her and moved her onto her side. His arms came around her, one wrapped around her stomach and the other beneath her head. Ren's body was warm and close, and he quickly slid back into her.

She twisted back to kiss him and felt good. Really good. She was safe wrapped up with his large body, while he slowly thrust into her at just the right angle. Her eyes closed and she felt herself climbing higher rather quickly.

"Oh, yes," Ren hissed in her ear. "Rey, Rey, Rey…oh, darling."

"Oh, gods, Ren…Yes, Yes!" He began mouthing at her neck and slipped his hand down between her legs to rub circles where she ached. She arched a bit, trying hard to keep herself from crying out, but pleasure exploded within her and moaned his name. She saw stars beneath her eyelids and felt like she couldn't breathe, it was so good. He thrust faster, drawing out her orgasm and finally came, groaning low into her neck. He throbbed inside her and she moved her hips slightly just to make him go a little deeper inside her.

They caught their breaths just like that, and when Ren withdrew she twisted around. He always held her close after sex, and this was no exception. He kissed her, on her neck, cheeks, lips, brow. So loving and gentle.

Her voice was very small when she admitted, "I miss you so much sometimes." She'd lay awake in her bed, so alone and feeling so helpless. She wanted him with her, she wanted him to just give into the light already. She cursed him sometimes, for making her feel this way. It had been a dull ache before, easily ignored with strenuous work and the threat of starving hanging over her. But now she felt it so acutely when she thought of him. Every victory was something she wanted to share with him. But he was never there. The hunger she had was not one dispelled by her hand or distractions. She wanted _this,_ to be held and to talk with the one person who seemed to understand the very core of her.

His voice broke when he replied, "I miss you too, love. It hurts, I know. It aches and pulls at you." She nodded, feeling a little silly for being so sentimental and emotional. She bit her lip and didn't let herself cry. Silently, she tried to steel herself.

"Talk to me. Tell me about your days," she prompted. She didn't want to think about this anymore, and he hadn't spoken much about himself.

He shifted so he could see her face and frowned a little, his lips twisting. "There isn't much to tell. Same as usual."

"Ren," she complained.

**Ren**

He wasn't sure what she wanted. She had regaled him with amusing bits of her life, so eager to share her life with him. He wasn't sure how to do the same.

"Well…Hux is horrid." He told her a story of the general's sniping and suspicions, laughing a little when he described Hux slipping on an excursion to a swamp planet. She seemed amused, so her divulged a little more.

"My grandfather isn't speaking to me anymore," he admitted.

She propped her head up on her hand. "You think he spoke to you from the Force?"

He nodded. "He's never appeared, like Luke told me, but I've heard him. He's told me how to become more powerful, how to end the pain."

She was frowning so harshly that he began to regret sharing this with her.

"Did he tell you to hurt Han?"

Ren laid back, wanting to avoid her gaze and didn't answer.

"Ren?"

"Yes, he did. He told me to rid myself of attachments."

She paused, then asked tentatively, "What about me?"

Protectiveness slammed Ren's worry away. "Nothing," he lied. She seemed relieved, her shoulders easing of their tension. She laid her head on his chest, and he was comforted.

"Perhaps he's angry at me," Ren whispered. "I disobeyed him."

Rey took his hand and stroked his fingers. "Maybe he wants you to find your own path."

Ren shook his head. "He's spoken to me since I was young. Why would he abandon me?"

She looked up and placed her hand on his cheek. "Ren, I'm sure that's not it. I'm sure he's still watching. Perhaps he's waiting for something."

"Perhaps," Ren replied, and looked at her. His grandfather had warned him of forming attachments, especially with Rey. Was he angry that Ren could not let her go? But hadn't his love for Padme and his grief over losing her made him strong? Was this pain and longing he felt when away from Rey not similar?

He felt no stronger, but there was nothing that could make him relinquish her or her love. He had tried not to love her, had tried to banish her from his thoughts and his heart. But she had wormed her way into the deepest part of him. He felt as if she was part of him now, and that removing her would surely kill him.

"Don't fret," she said, assuming he was brooding over his grandfather. "How about you pick where we meet next?"

"Hm," he said. Somewhere not too far from his location, but somewhere exciting for her. "Hoth."

She wrinkled her nose, amusing him. "The ice planet?"

"I'll bring you warm clothing. I will show you snow, and we can look at the old resistance base." He pressed his lips to the sweet shell of her ear. "We can make love by the fire."

"Ren!" She pushed him away, but the glint in her eyes and quirk of her lips told him she was not opposed. He imagined her, golden and bare to him by the light of a fire and felt very warmed by the thought.

"Stop being perverted," she scolded him, and he hummed, amused.

"You're the one laying naked with me, your thighs still wet."

She glared at him and he kissed her to make her disapproval go away. She was fun to tease. She was a very bright spot in his life, making him feel lighthearted. He couldn't imagine life without her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all are doing well; thank you for all the comments and such! I felt so motivated that this chapter just flew out. I hope everyone's new year starts off great! What better way than with reylo, am I right?


	23. Chapter 23

**Ren**

Back on his ship, Ren felt himself getting irritable again. Some of the numbness he had felt slipped away with her presence. She always lit a fire in him, but this time it burned longer, even after they had parted.

"Ren," Hux said, falling into step with him as Ren stalked through a corridor.

"What now?"

"Supreme leader asked me if you have any leads on Skywalker."

Ren rolled his eyes within his mask. But he recalled Rey describing pod racers. "A desert planet."

Hux snorted. "There's many desert planets."

Ren stopped and turned to the general. "If I knew which one it was, I wouldn't be here."

"I'd suggest you narrow it down," Hux said lowly. "Leader Snoke is getting impatient. He's already not pleased with you."

"Keep your concern for yourself," Ren hissed, and Hux's face twisted in disgust.

"Trust me, I have no worry for you, Ren."

Hux turned smartly and briskly headed off in the opposite direction.

Ren turned and walked back towards his office. He imagined finding Luke, and Rey. How angry she would be. It felt strange. Ren was torn. As he sat down in his chair, he went through the possible planets. Jakku, no. He hadn't felt Luke's presence when they were there. Besides, like Rey would want to go back there. Abafar? Too far for her to make a quick trip to Corellia. So many could be ruled out because of that. Kiva? Doubtful, for the lack of civilization. Samaria was definitely possible. But then again…

No, Luke wouldn't return to his home planet. And it would be so far, that was an Outer Rim planet. But if one wanted to be hidden, it was a good place to go. And it was his home planet.

Rey would enjoy Tatooine, he thought. The desert was less harsh than Jakku's, but familiar. She'd love the warmth, the two suns. Her beautiful skin would return to the healthy glow she'd had when he first saw her.

God, he was already hard, thinking of her. He needed to get it together. He thought of the time he saw Hux shirtless by accident, his pale body littered with red hair. Even more effective than a cold shower.

If things were different, he'd put Tatooine towards the top of his list. But he didn't want to find Luke. Not because he cared about the grizzled old hermit, but because of her.

It didn't hurt the First Order, he told himself. Luke was clearly not going to go to the resistance for help. Rey needed a teacher, and who else if she wouldn't let him do it himself? She was happy, learning and getting stronger. And the Supreme Leader would see her as an asset if she was even stronger than she was before.

But it would be going against his master's orders, directly. Something he had never done before. He swallowed dryly and closed his eyes. He could feel her touch, see those golden-green eyes looking at him.

So he'd stall. There were many desert planets. He'd comb each one, personally.

**Rey**

Rey felt a flutter in the Force, a small ripple. Like someone had whispered her name. She squinted against the bright sun, and her hair was picked up by the dry wind. She listened, and reached out. Was it Ren? But there was nothing else but the echo.

She turned away and strode back towards the rocks. With reluctance she entered the hut, knowing what Luke would tell her.

"I practiced levitation and did the climb."

Luke, who had been mixing up some kind of salve for a burn he'd gotten showing off by creating a small force storm in the cave, which had stirred up the fire they had burning. He turned to her, eyebrow raised.

"Meditation?"

She shook her head.

"Rey, you need to learn to become one with the Force. Quiet your mind, dispel your fears and anger."

She felt like a small child. "It's difficult. Everytime I fell myself getting close, I'm pulled back and my breath is stolen."

Luke nodded. "You are the only thing holding yourself back. Something inside you is pulling yourself back."

Rey exhaled. "Alright, I'll try again."

Luke nodded and turned back to his mixture. "Come back later, and we'll work on mind tricks. You're good at that."

She trudged out again, taking her new staff with her. She felt frustrated. She had hit a wall, and she had yet to have a lightsaber or learned to use the force physically. Ren did it all the time. Maybe Luke didn't want her to learn the things Ren did. It had been a month since she'd seem Ren, and every time she'd thought of him it still hurt.

She kicked the red dirt a few times and sat down in a shaded, secluded spot. Eyes closed, she slowed her breathing and felt her body slip away. The grit of the sand on her legs, the whistle of wind in her ear. It all went away.

Blank, greyness. Like an endless sky. She felt the disconnect between her mind and her body, and in her mind she stood up and spun around. She felt weightless. But still, there was a heavy thread connecting her to her body. She could easily slip out of her little trance. She needed to go towards the channel of light and power that she felt on the edge of her vision.

It beckoned. She ran until her breath ran out, then she walked until she could run again. It came closer and closer. But something in her tightened. The closer she got, the more afraid she was. She remembered the first time she was plunged into the flow of the Force, the vision she saw when she touched Luke's lightsaber. She remembered Luke's words: _No connections, no attachments. There is only the Force._

She could reach it, if she just reached out her hand. She stretched out a shaking hand and then—

She was slammed back into her body. With an airless gasp she collapsed against the rocks and she struggled for her breath— _again._

When she finally breathed free again, she pounded her fists against the hard rock and cursed.

"Shit, shit, shit!" She bent forward and clutched her knees. "Why can't I just do this?"

She walked around for a while, mind buzzing. She was so angry, she just wanted to scream.

When she returned to the hut, Luke looked at her and said nothing, but he knew. She felt like a failure. Maybe she wasn't meant to be a Jedi.

A few days later she trudged to her ship and checked the transmitter. Surpisingly, she found a message from Han.

_Hey kid. I'm sure things with Luke are great and exciting, but I was wondering if you'd like to take a break and maybe help me out on a little expedition. Chewie's got to go back to Kashyyyk for a family thing—his sister's having a baby, I think—and I—_

_Alright, alright, calm down Chewie. He says hi, Rey. Anyways, I need a copilot, and I don't trust some greasy hire with the Falcon. So if you can, let me know. Tell Luke it's a favor for me. He owes me one._

Rey sat back in the pilot's seat and tried to quell the excitement she had felt. She knew she needed to stay here, complete her training, but the thought of going on the Falcon with Han—an _adventure—_ made her blood rush.

Her walk back to the cave was one filled with anxiety. Luke already frowned upon her trips to see Ren, but she just felt like this was the solution to all her frustrations. She could come back, and train even harder than before.

She had a whole spiel ready, and found Luke meditating not far from their cave.

"Luke, Han sent me a message," she blurted out. "He wants me to go on a run with him. I know I need to stay here and train, but I thought—"

"Go," Luke said simply.

Rey paused and collapsed down next to him.

"What?"

"Go," Luke said. "You're edgy as a cat, and you won't get anything done here if you lack focus."

"I'll come back," she said. She felt like she needed to persuade him.

"I'll be here." He focused his steely blue eyes on her. "I know you'll be back. I have a feeling that you just need to work through this block on your own. Take some time, meditate on it while you're gone."

She nodded and after a moment of silence, threw her arms around his neck. "Thanks, Luke." She grinned. "Oh, and Han says hi. He says you owe him, so I don't think he feels bad for taking me."

Luke humphed and closed his eyes again. "Of course he doesn't. Nerf-herder."

Rey gave him a quizzical look but stood again. "I'm gonna go pack. See you. Stay safe."

She began to walk away, but then Luke said, "Oh, Rey. Take the lightsaber."

~

"So where we going?" Rey asked, taking a sip of her caf that Finn had brought her. He sat next to her, across the table from where Han lounged.

"It's a quick run, just a delivery of something to an outer rim planet, Abafar."

Rey frowned. "Spice?"

Han huffed. "C'mon, kid. I don't fly that stuff anymore. Leia made me give that up years ago."

Rey relaxed. "Then what's the cargo?"

Han smirked. "Black market goods, pretty normal stuff they're paying high price for. Some food, some cancer sticks. Leia's making me slip some resistance pamphlets in. You know the deal."

Finn sat forward. "Nothing illegal?"

Rey tilted her head and smiled a little as Han leaned forward. "Look, big deal. I'm a smuggler. This ain't spice, but the First Order sure as hell doesn't want anything coming in that they don't control."

Finn rubbed the back of his head. "We could get caught."

Han's eyebrow raised and so did his voice. "I'm the best goddamn smuggler in the galaxy. You think I'm gonna get caught?"

Finn sputtered, "Well haven't you been caught before?"

"I can talk my way out of anything."

Rey smiled and grabbed Finn's arm. "C'mon, Finn. I've missed you, and we need an extra hand, right Han?"

"A bunch of goddamn rookies," Han grumbled. "The last time I was smuggling something with the two of you, you let my cargo loose."

Rey beamed at Finn. "See? He wants you to come."

Finn shook his head but smiled. "Alright, alright. Can't say no to you, peanut."

"You're the best, peanut," she replied. Han pushed back his chair, his own caf untouched.

"Cut the crap already, we got to get the Falcon cleaned up before tomorrow."

Rey's heart leapt. Working on the Falcon, flying the Falcon. She could barely wait.

They were barely out the door when the clack of heels came down the hall. "Rey," Leia said, a smile on her face as she opened her arms to embrace her. Rey hugged the woman tight, somehow still surprised that the powerful woman was so small.

"Han," Leia said, their eyes locking as soon as Rey pulled away.

"Leia," Han said gruffly.

"You're dragging them on one of your crazy runs?"

Han scoffed. "Like you've never been on one."

Leia cracked a smile. "Too many."

They exchanged a look and Rey suddenly recalled something she should have done.

"I—I saw Ren," she blurted out. All eyes were on her, and she felt her cheeks begin to burn.

"You did?" Han's usual gruff expression was gone, longing spread all over his face. Leia, too, had sharp points of grief in her eyes.

"Yes," Rey said. "He was…well." She scrambled for something to say.

"He's having troubles with everything. I think—I think he's more torn than anything. Things have changed for him."

Leia exhaled a shaky breath, but Han's face had taken on a hard mask. "You may think that, Rey, but nothing could make him change."

Leia turned an accusatory glare towards Han. "He still has good in him Han."

Han shook his head. "You didn't see his face, Leia. He looked at me with nothing but hatred."

Rey felt terrible, and Finn shifted uneasily beside her. "I'm sorry," she said awkwardly.

Leia pressed her lips together and Han set his eyes on Rey. "You need to be careful, Rey."

She nodded, but he brushed past her. "Let's go, I'm done gabbing." Rey cast a look at Leia, who raised a hand but said nothing else. Rey returned the gesture.

They headed out at daylight, and Leia wasn't there to see them off. Poe and BB-8, whom Rey happily reunited with the night before, did wave goodbye as they left. Rey settled into her seat with pure joy, ignoring Finn's worried mutterings in the other room. Han and her worked in sync, as if they had been doing it for years. She was gleeful with this, and only a small part of her was dark, wishing Ren was watching.

They reached Abafar after a about a day on the ship. Only a few things had gone wrong, but were easily patched up. Finn, jumpy as always, stayed strapped in almost the entire time.

The desert planet had an orange sky and the air was hot and dry. There were almost no shadows, and it eerily reminded Rey of her meditation. Endless sky and land. Only a few rocks stood out against the skyline.

"Reminds me of Jakku," Finn said grumpily to her as they began to unload.

Rey smiled at him mischievously. "You miss Jakku, huh?"

Finn scowled at her playfully, and then they both laughed.

They went to the scant town to check it out first. There were some troopers, but not too many. They ducked into a nearby cantina, and Han sat down and ordered them all drinks.

Finn kept his head down, but Rey was all eyes. The place was all activity and shady looks. The music made Rey's skin shiver. She loved it.

"Don't make eye contact, kid. You look like an innocent deer."

Rey let her eyes drift away and let an old, hard look settle on her face. You had to look as tough as you could at Nima, especially since she wasn't very intimidating. Not like, say, Ren.

A waitress delivered their drinks, a milky green liquid that frothed. "Do I know you?" She asked, looking at Han.

He scoffed. "No way, sweetheart. I'm just passing through."

She shrugged and walked away, and Han took his drink and down it in one gulp. Finn cautiously picked his up and tasted it, then sipped at it eagerly.

"What are we doing here?" Rey asked, eyeing a tray full of hot food as it passed by.

"Easy, kid. We are meeting our client here."

Rey nodded, and Finn rubbed his hands together. "How are we going to get the stuff past the troopers?"

"Keep your voice down," Han growled. Rey bumped Finn's shoulder and gave him a reassuring look.

"We don't bring it to them," she whispered. Finn nodded and Rey tasted her drink. It was sharp, but artificially sweet. Rey put it down. She preferred the taste of fruit.

They waited around for thirty minutes or so before a dangerously thin Togruta slid into the booth next to Finn, who stiffened.

"Han," the woman said warmly, flicking one of her head-tails behind her shoulder. "I wasn't sure you were going to show up."

Han lifted his palms up from the table. "Have I ever steered you wrong, Sheena?"

"Twice you haven't delivered. And we need this stuff."

"Yeah, I'm sure these people are dying for their cancer sticks," Han said lazily.

Sheena gave him a little smile. "So let's see it."

"You got the money?"

"Of course." Sheena slipped a small bundle from her purse. Without even looking inside, Han grabbed it and slipped it into his pocket.

"This is only half," he remarked. Both Finn and Rey gave him an incredulous look. How the hell would he know?"

"Half when I get my cargo."

He nodded, and grabbed Rey's drink and finished it. Sheena got up and left, and after a few minutes Han got up and they followed.

Sheena was already waiting for them by the Falcon. She smiled and Han nodded to her. "Rey, go show her the cargo."

Rey led the woman to the storage part of the Falcon, where all the cartons were stored. She looked around, counting them. Her lithe body swayed as she glided through the aisles. Finally, she smiled and turned to Rey.

"All here," she said. "Finally, he delivers."

Rey felt a little uneasy, the woman had a strange smile. "He's a good guy."

Sheena tilted her head, eyes looking her up and down. Rey shifted and crossed her arms.

There was a shout from outside, and Rey swung her head towards the noise. But before she could make a sound, she felt the cold metal of a knife against her throat.

"Easy, girl," Sheena said. "Walk with me."

Rey pushed her back with the Force, but it wasn't strong. The woman stumbled back into a carton but then lunged at her. Rey withdrew her saber and held it out as warning. The Togruta's eyes widened.

"Jedi," she whispered.

Rey tried to back up to the door, but before she could Sheena pulled out a blaster and began shooting. Rey dodged, deflecting some blasts with her saber. Sheena raced after Rey as she dodged, so Rey sliced through a carton of cancer sticks so that the boxes tumbled out, blocking the girl's path.

Rey took the chance to race outside, where Han and Finn were in a standoff with a group of men.

"Another?" One of the men snarled, pointing a blaster at her. Rey held out her saber, but none of them looked afraid.

"So, Han Solo," the man nearest him said. "We've finally caught up with you again. We've got Sheena to thank for that."

"What? Sheena told you I'd be here?"

The woman in question strode out after Rey, the sharp angles of her face even harsher in the light.

"You failed me too many times, Solo," she said. "The Kanjis offered me more than enough to turn you in."

"God, Sheena, I came through for you this time, didn't I?" Han said, but the woman frowned.

"Now you're all mine," the man said with a smile, his accent strange in Rey's ears. Her heart beat faster as he stepped forward. Would he shoot Han? They were outnumbered.

"Drop your weapons," he ordered. "Now!"

Han placed his blaster on the ground, and so did Finn. Rey hesitated, and Han nodded at her. "Go on, Rey."

She slowly put it down and watched as another man swiped it up.

"A lightsaber," he said, handing it over to the main man.

"Nice," he commented, eyes going to Rey. "A little Jedi, then."

Sheena strode forward, her gaze meeting Rey's. "She's a bitch. Destroyed some cargo."

Han shot Rey a venomous look, like she had betrayed him.

"That's good money," he hissed.

"You're not going to get it now," she replied.

Sheena held her knife to Rey's throat again, and she stiffened. She could feel the woman's darkness, her anger.

"Let me kill this one," Sheena said. "She messed with my delivery. You can have the others."

The man frowned. "A Jedi is probably valuable."

"Or a lot of trouble," Sheena replied smoothly. Finally he nodded, and Rey tried to gather the Force into herself.

An angry surge of rage suddenly smacked into Rey like a metal wall. A familiar rage, but not her own. And within moments the masked, dark figure of Kylo Ren ran onto the scene, flanked by a few Stormtroopers.

"Shit," Finn cursed as Han made a sound of surprise. But something in Rey untwisted, her shoulders relaxing.

"Ren," she murmured, unabashed relief in her tone. She twisted in the woman's grip, knocking her back with her elbow and scattering the knife across the sand.

The surprise of Ren's entrance distracted the Kanjiklub's attention, and with a swift ounce of effort Rey's lightsaber flew right back into her hand.

"Stand down!" She yelled, racing forward to point her saber straight at the leader's head. Ren appeared behind the man and after a moment, twisted his arm so that the leader's head moved into the saber's path, cutting it clean off and letting it fall to the ground.

As the rest of the gang tried to run as the troopers pursued them, Rey turned to the man beside her and frowned at him. "You didn't need to do that."

Ren lifted his hand and took off his mask, a familiar action he always did for her now. Her heart fluttered as she saw his full lips and dark eyes, his unruly hair falling into his eyes again. "Consider it a favor," he replied dryly. "Han Solo owes him a lot of money."

Ren's gaze drifted over to that of his father's, and his lips turned into a snarl. "One of his many debts. It's disappearance is surely just a drop in the bucket."

"What are you doing here?" Rey asked, crossing her arms and trying to draw his attention back, which worked easily. His brow furrowed and he took a step towards her.

"A better question for you," he growled. "Why aren't you with Luke, on whatever hole he's in?"

Rey cocked an eyebrow at him, which she could see infuriated him. "Is that your business?"

"You're my business," he replied darkly, and she could feel the heat of his irritation.

"Relax," she instructed, shaking her head. "I am taking a very short break to help them out." She gestured with her head to the pair behind her.

"Hey, he doesn't need to know!" Finn called out with false bravado in an attempt to cover the nervous tremor.

"Quiet," Han ordered, his eyes never leaving his son. Rey watched Ren turn his dark eyes, filled with hate, to his father's. For a moment, it was not broken and Rey's stomach flipped.

Finally Ren pulled away to look back to her. "Well it looked like you needed a little assistance."

Rey flushed and crossed her arms, eyes darting away. "He had my lightsaber." She caught his arrogant look and protested, "I'm not very practiced in the physical use of the Force yet!"

Ren tilted his head, his dark wavy hair barely brushing his shoulders. "If you let me teach you…"

"Stop," she ordered, already cross, but was distracted by him taking a step closer so that she had to look up at him.

"Can we speak in private?" He asked, his fingertips casually brushing hers. For a moment, she forgot about Finn, Han, the troopers, everything. But the sound of Finn's voice rang through the air.

"Rey!" He called out. She looked at him and her lips parted, but for a moment she was silent.

"I don't think so," she told Ren.

His eyes became hard and his jaw set hard. "I see."

Rey reached out and stroked his long, pale fingers. "Is everything ok?"

He looked over at her furtively and nodded, lips a pale line. His eyes roamed over the troopers and her friends for a long moment, almost nervously. But he lingered on Finn, and the ghost of a smirk passed quickly over his lips.

"Ren?"

He leaned forward and pressed his lips to hers, his fingers caressing her jaw from where he tilted her chin up. Pure and unadulterated bliss bloomed over her mind for a moment before she drew back, narrowing her eyes. It irritated her that Ren still could be so jealous.

"You—"

His eyes gleamed almost mischievously. Rey would have given him a sharp word, but his lips were on hers again, less smug this time. No, this time he took the kiss for himself, and she let him.

She pushed him back after a moment.

"Ren," She asked, "Tell me, now. Why are you here? Did you follow me?"

His face darkened and his hand visibly clenched around his helmet. "No. But stay away from the Middle Rim. It's not safe for you here."

She took her hand in his. "It's always been dangerous. Why now?"

He shook his head. "Don't ask me that, Rey."

Her lips pressed together and she looked down, trying to press down the anger she felt. Yes, it was unfair to ask him a question she too, would not answer. But, she thought stubbornly, he was on the _wrong_ side.

"I miss you." His rumbling voice was so quiet she almost thought she'd misheard. She moved her fingers against his, rubbing her thumb against his skin.

"I miss you too," she replied quietly, somberly. He looked as if he might say something, but his face changed and he closed his mouth before speaking again.

"I will send coordinates soon," he said, looking directly into her eyes. "Will you be able, before you return...?"

She nodded a little, and he gave his own short nod in return. "Soon," he repeated.

Finn's emotions were blaring, she could feel him as clearly as if he was standing right next to her. She brushed her lips against Ren's cheek and stepped back, letting go of his hand.

"You need to leave," she told him. "What will you tell Snoke now?"

Ren's eyes flashed and for a moment, she felt his fear. But it disappeared, and a haughty look covered his face.

"Your little boyfriend is scared," Ren mocked, louder now so Finn could hear. "Worry more about him."

Rey's expression must have been absolutely scathing, because the smile he gave her was incredibly smug. _Jealous prick._

 _"Soon..."_ She thought she heard as he jammed his helmet back on and turned his back on her. She crossed her arms and watched him go, his dark figure never lost amidst the small sea of white troopers.

"Rey," Han said, his voice rough with feeling. "What did he...?"

She shook her head. "Nothing," she replied, embarrassed as she brushed some dirt and dried blood off her calf. "Just some chivalrous bullshit in his head."

Han humphed, obviously trying to scrape the feelings off his face. "Never look a gift Zillo Beast in the mouth, kid," He said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chap for y'all. School starts this coming week so update might be slow, but I'll do my best. Good luck to everyone in the same boat! Did you expect Ren to show up? He's got a good Rey-dar, am I right? (I think I'm so funny).


	24. Chapter 24

**Rey**

When they returned to the main base Leia asked to see Rey. She was in a hurry to see if Ren had sent her coordinates—She couldn't stop thinking about him. Stupid man. She had gone to clear her thoughts and had only become more muddled. She'd see him then return to Luke—she needed his guidance. Surely something was wrong with her. So she said her goodbyes to Finn and Han and Chewie, who had already returned, and hurried to Leia's office.

"Ah, Rey." Leia said, standing and opening her arms. Rey stepped into the embrace, still feeling a little shy. She had gone years without touching another person, and now it was so…normal.

"How are you?"

Rey brushed her hair behind her ear and gave a small smile. "Good. Wasn't a very successful mission though."

Leia scoffed. "I heard." She tilted her head. "You know, I'm not as adept as my brother and my son, but I do have the Force."

Rey looked up and examined Leia's dark eyes, nodding slowly. "Yes—Ren told me."

"He spoke to you about me?" The sudden yearning in Leia's eyes made Rey's stomach flip.

"Yes," she said quietly. "But not much."

Leia nodded, a faraway look in her eyes. "I see." She moved to sit down on a small, light couch and gestured for Rey to sit next to her, which she did. Rey ran her hand over the smooth surface and waited for Leia to speak again.

"Anyways…I know you said you were good, but you don't feel good. You feel conflicted."

Rey sighed, her lips twisting into a frown. She avoided Leia's eyes.

"I am."

Leia said nothing, but Rey could feel her through the Force, that yearning again.

"Not about Ren," she said. "I mean, not really. I can't seem to get a hold of this meditating thing."

She felt a bit awkward, unsure of how much Leia knew. Biting her lip, she started again. "I'm supposed to be able to really let the Force flow through me, let myself become one with it. But I only did it once, in the forest while fighting Ren. Now, every time I get close, I'm snatched back."

Leia nodded thoughtfully, eyes crinkling with concentration. Rey fidgeted a little, unhappiness drawing over her. She had wanted so much to come back with a new harness on the Force. But she hadn't even been able to use the Force to defend her friends against the Kanjiklubs.

"You know, you and I are a lot alike."

Rey looked up, and then a smile etched into her mouth as warmth spread throughout her chest.

"My brother and Ren have never gotten along. Luke strives to be like the Jedi of the past—pure, unbiast, calm. Ren embraces the dark. He yearns to be one with it. But I've never been able to feel at home with either one."

"What?" Rey said, brow furrowing. Everyone knew the tales of the Force—there was the Dark, and there was the Light. Peace and chaos, night and day. They moved in opposition, hopefully in balance.

"I know," Leia interrupted. "But life is not black and white. For some, it may be their nature to be truly light, or truly dark. But I find in myself, inner balance doesn't come from two sides at war. It comes from them blending, swirling together—to make grey."

Rey knew what she was saying, but it went against everything she had ever heard. Everything she had ever read in Luke's hideouts. How many times had he spoken of the fight between dark and light, how his father had chosen the light at the end of his life? If he had lived, would Anakin Skywalker have struggled with being in the light? Would he, the man steeped in darkness, be truly able to just…switch?

"I'm supposed to become a Jedi," Rey said slowly. "A soldier of the light."

Leia covered her hand with her own. "And you will be. But I believe you will be something entirely different than the old Jedi order. You will truly be able to find balance, and bring it to others."

Reys cheeks burned and she shook her head. "I can't even find balance in myself," she said with a chocked laugh. "And you think I'm going to start some kind of…Jedi revolution?"

Leia smiled and leaned back. "Yes. Feel what is right, don't worry so much about shutting out the darkness. Let it in, but don't lose the light. You'll find that balance means finding the perfect mix. No tugging or pulling."

Rey nodded numbly, her head buzzing with thoughts. In her heart, she was hopeful. She felt like endlessly fighting the darkness she knew she held inside her was hard, too hard. She had been trying and trying, but it was what always snapped her back. Luke seemed to be able to fight it, but he had truly done what the Jedi Order wanted—He had separated himself from all his bonds, choosing instead to live a life without the comfort of others. Rey didn't want to live that way. She thought of her friends, of Ren. She couldn't live that way.

Leia hugged her goodbye and Rey went to her borrowed ship on auto-pilot. She wanted to bang her head against the wall. Why was this so hard? She grew even more frustrated as she saw a message on her dash—the coordinates. She rested her head against the control panel and just breathed. She felt pulled in every direction. She had never felt this way before. On Jakku, everything was black and white. She had one goal: survival. There was nothing that tore her apart like this.

_Torn apart…_

She closed her eyes. So this was what Ren was talking about. Surely it was different for him—more intense, she'd imagine—but this was very, very unwelcome. She swallowed hard, shocked to find her eyes pricking with tears. Her back straightened and she punched in the coordinates into her ship. With thin lips and a set brow, she tried just to focus on what lay ahead: she was going to see Ren. She could forget for a few days, maybe. The pit of her stomach was uneasy; he was sure to see she was conflicted. She didn't want to tell him about her conversation with Leia, and her struggle with the darkness. She didn't want to argue with him.

But a very small, small part of her ached to tell _someone_ who would understand. Maybe, a voice whispered, maybe Ren would be just the person to understand.

Shaking her head, she pushed the ship into hyperdrive. She wouldn't think of this now. She'd think of it later, when her thoughts had settled.

**Ren**

He arrived on the frozen planet of Hoth a day early to prepare. He wanted their time together to be perfect; they had so little of it. The old Echo Base had been bombed by the previous Empire, but since the AT-AT's had been taken down, there was not too much damage to make it unlivable.

Ren had been here before with his parents. They had one of their good spells, wandering off and giggling like teenagers. At nine years old, he had been disgusted by them but entranced by the place—it was something built from nothing. Icy cold with the exception of a single hot spring fifty meters below the surface, the place had glittered with a sheen of ice without heaters.

He expected the place to look exactly the same as it had then, and he wasn't wrong. Only the tracks had been erased—yet he could almost hear the echo of his parents laughter. It made the back of his neck prickle, and he assured himself that it would disappear once Rey arrived.

He occupied one of the General's quarters and cleared the fireplace which he stocked with wood he had brought on his ship. He had loads of supplies and extra heaters and blankets so Rey wouldn't be cold. She was so sensitive to low temperatures. He would keep her warm.

The place echoed terribly, so Ren kept his helmet on and the hearing system down as he worked. The silence irked him. With their small quarters defrosted and the path to the hot springs cleared, Ren was satisfied as he laid down that night. It was untouched, completely isolated. Perfect for the two of them.

When she arrived, the single sun was high in the sky. She landed outside, but he stayed within the shadows—he didn't have sun goggles without his helmet which he had of course taken off for her. The excitement in him and the anxiety from waiting made him incredibly eager. He had thought of nothing but her since he saw her last. He had sensed her friend—and his father's—protectiveness over her and had been angry ever since. She was _his_ to protect. If only she would stay with him. He would never let her fall into dangerous hands. He was jealous, yes. He was worried about her _Finn_ and resented his very existence. The thought that he had thought of Rey and him together made Ren sick. Did the former trooper plan on trying to steal her back with affection? He had no idea.

But this was almost forgotten the second she walked off the ship. She was hesitant, golden in the shadows and the evening sun. "Ren?"

Relief exuded from his every cell, and she must have sensed it for she came closer.

"Rey," he replied as he stepped from the shadows, watching her hungrily, trying to notice every detail. Her lips turned up and she ran to him as he stepped forward. They collided halfway, his arms coming around her tightly to hold her and not let go.

She laid her head against his chest, eyes closing. "Ren…"

His face was buried in her hair, letting him listen to her every breath. He missed that sound, the sound he once fell asleep to. The darkness fell away, his attention completely diverted. How could he have forgotten? How could he have forgotten this feeling, this fullness that replaced the emptiness, the warmth? She was important. He had almost forgotten in his fear and jealousy.

"I missed you," he said quietly, his voice much gentler and having lost its urgency. She drew back from him, scanning his expression. He touched her cheek, letting himself gaze at her for another moment, even though her eyes were full of questions.

"Are you alright?" she asked, and he nodded, a smile playing on his lips. He would have lingered there, in the sun with her in his arms, but she had already begun to shake with cold. Her thin jacket was nothing on Hoth.

He took his off, cursing himself for not bringing her one from the room and draped it over her. They exchanged a quick kiss.

"I'll bring your ship in," he said. "Go get warm—down the hall and to the left. The second door.

She hesitated, a flash of worry in her eyes, but then she nodded and left. He parked the ship inside and closed the great metal door to prevent any snow or storm from coming in. Thank god they still worked.

Her cheeks were rosy when he entered, and she had stripped herself of her outer ware, already only clad in her shirt and leggings. Even her boots were off.

She turned to him with hesitant eyes and he searched her feelings, finding her uneasy.

With a frown he stepped closer and she reached for him.

"What's wrong?" He asked. "Did I forget something?"

She shook her head. "No, no."

He stared at her until she wavered, but her face closed shut. "I don't want to talk about it," she said quietly. "I just want to forget about everything for a while."

He was burning to know, to find whatever hurt her and soothe her wounds. But with a breath, he nodded. He needed to give her what she asked for. She would open up to him when she was comfortable. He couldn't push.

And then she was upon him. Pushing off his under jacket, sliding a palm under his shirt, kissing her deeply. A great hunger bloomed inside him, one he had pushed dormant for what felt like ages. He pushed their bodies close until they were up against a chilly wall, but she was warm, so warm like the sun. She stripped his shirt and undershirt off, and he did away with hers. Their mouths met again and again with ferocity, and he moaned into her mouth when she ground her hips against him. He took large handfuls of her bottom and squeezed until she jumped up into his arms, her legs winding around him. Her fingers dug into his dark hair, pushing their lips together without parting.

He took her from the cold wall and carried her to the bed. They parted with a gasp, and then he laid her down, standing at the edge of the bed. She sat up enough to remove her breast band as he tugged off her pants and underwear, his cock twitching unbearably as she became bare before him. She fumbled with his belt and then shucked his pants down his legs as he began stroking at her wet slit, so pink and pretty. Waiting for him. He began to kneel, but she stopped him.

"No, I can't wait," she said breathlessly. He nodded, words were lost to him. His finger entered her and he tried to curl it the way she liked, but she pushed his hand away.

"No," she groaned. "Not your fingers. I want your cock, Ren."

"Rey," he ground out as his fingers splayed across her open thighs. "Say it again."

He was as hard as a rock. Fluid wept from the tip and his abs tightened in anticipation.

Her eyes were bright and she ran her hands up his arms. "I want your cock," she said, pink blooming in her cheeks. He moaned and then forced himself to breathe. God, she'd make him come without a single goddamn touch. She was the most desirable thing he'd ever seen, sexier than any woman in a porn holo and more precious than everything else. With his pants still around his ankles, he pushed into her as he stood before her.

A long and low sound came from her, and it only increased in pitch when he began thrusting. It was too hard not to go fast even though he wanted to be gentle with her. He always tried to be gentle with her. But she was having none of it, not this time.

"Harder, gods, harder!"

"Yes, yes," he hissed. Her face was already contorting with pleasure, and he pushed himself deeper, harder until she came. He slowed his thrusts to eke out her pleasure and to keep himself from coming with her. He wasn't done yet. He was Kylo-fucking-Ren, and he would not come so fast, like a teenage school boy.

Her cheeks were flushed and half her hair was loose. Her breath heaved with pants, and as he looked at her, in all her exquisite beauty, an idea formed.

"Do you trust me?" he asked her.

Her eyes were wary, but after a moment she replied, "Yes…"

He withdrew from her, his member gleaming from her and throbbing. He turned her over, draping her over the bed and drawing her bottom to him. Her back stiffened, but he ran his hands down her soothingly. He found her slick opening and pushed back in, grinning when she sighed, her shoulders relaxing. He thrust lightly at first, kissing down her spine and sucking a mark on her neck, making her squeal. But he had delayed himself long enough, and his thrusts grew erratic. She leaned down over the bed, arching her back and pushing herself back against him.

He knew she wanted him to come, to met her at the exctasy she had felt. But he was determined and drew a hand to the front of her folds, circling her. She cried out and he preened. Only he was to ever hear her like this. Only he would every have her on her knees like this for him. She only trusted him so much.

Thrust after thrust grew harder, faster, uncontrollable. He felt like nothing could stop him. Suddenly, she clenched around him and he came immediately, thrusting into her a few more times to draw it out. He kept himself inside her as long as possible, never wanting to part from her. When he drew himself from her, wetness slipped down her thigh as her walls contracted around nothing. He watched, fascinated as his cum dripped down her. He only remembered himself when she said his name.

He got onto the bed and drew her to him. Slipping a leg between hers, regardless of the dampness, they pressed together. He kissed her deeply, slowly, wanting to convey all the tenderness he felt.

"That was…" she trailed off.

"It was very, very hot." He whispered against her ear. She closed her eyes and nodded.

"Felt so good," she murmured. "Nothing compares."

No, he thought. His fantasies never competed. She was like a dream come to life.

She slept for a while, cuddled against his chest, but he did not. The chronic pain in his chest had eased, and he was relaxed. He enjoyed stroking her bare back and listening to her small breaths and snores. He was able to examined her peaceful face at length. Shadows laid under her eyes, but her freckles were distinct from the sun, sprinkled sweetly across her nose.

When she awoke, she tried to lay still and pretend she was still sleeping. But Ren could feel her nervous energy swirling around them. He brushed his thumb against the base of her back and murmured, "I know you're awake."

Her eyes popped open and she frowned, her lips forming a little pout. "I wasn't pretending," she objected.

"Yes you were," he said emotionlessly, his fingers dancing across her skin.

She huffed but didn't reply.

"Are you going to tell me what you're thinking about so hard?"

She shook her head. "No."

Irritation surged, but he beat it down before replying. "What could be so bad," he tried, gently.

"I don't want to talk about it," she said, lifting herself up. He thought she was going to shy away, but instead she slipped her leg over his hips and kissed him.

He was aware she was distracting him, but she was very skilled. He eagerly dove into her mouth, his head straining up to catch her lips longer. She drew back, a dreamy sort of smile on her face as she looked down at him, and he was struck by how glorious she was.

But he yearned for more from her, and sat up with her still in his lap. "Why don't we go for a dip in the hot springs? It's warm."

She wrinkled her nose. "A what?"

He smiled. "A pool of naturally hot water. It's down deep, below the surface."

"Really? Like…a bath?"

He nodded, and she beamed, bouncing a little on his thighs.

"I've never had a bath," she admitted, somewhat bashfully. He didn't want to tell her it was more like swimming than a bath, so he only smiled back at her.

They dressed, her quicker than him, and he insisted on fastening a large coat for her when she struggled. They made their way down stone steps, holding onto the wall, for the steps were a bit slippery. When they drew close the thin sheen on ice dissolved into water and led to a big, open cavern. Hot water steamed from where the stone cut away.

"Oh!" She exclaimed, and began stripping immediately. Startled, he tried to catch up with her, fighting with his layers.

"You remember how to swim?" He asked, muffled by a sweater.

"I think so," she said. "But maybe you could give me a refresh." She grinned at him cheekily, and a chuckle burst out of him.

She hesitated in her underwear. "Should I leave my underthings on?"

He raised an eyebrow at her. "We were naked together only thirty minutes ago."

Her cheeks were pink, perhaps from the heat. "I didn't know."

She removed her breast band and underwear and jumped in while he tried to peel off his pants, coming up gasping.

"It's so hot!" she said.

"That's the purpose," he said dryly before almost slipping. His head darted up to see if she saw him, and she had. Her hand covered her mouth but her eyes with mirthful, and he was immediately was embarrassed.

The hot water was not uncomfortable, but his skin immediately pinked. She paddled over to him and he wound an arm around her waist. Tendrils of hair curled around her face from the heat, and she reached up to undo her buns, letting her hair fall down her shoulders.

"I love it," she said with a smile. "It's perfect."

He tilted his head at her and kissed her cheek. She slipped her arms around his neck and hummed.

He held her close and was surprised to feel her feelings turn to melancholy.

"Rey," he said lowly. "What's wrong?"

She leaned back and tried to even out her expression, but eventually her face fell.

"You're so…"

Immediately he inwardly recoiled, waiting for a harsh word. Violent? Brash? Angry?

"You're so gentle. Here. With me."

His expression must have been severe, because her fingers came up to smooth out his brow.

"I mean, you are so different than you are…elsewhere."

"And?" he said tightly. He knew where this was going.

"Why can't you be like this all the time?"

He wanted to drop her, push her away. He was hot, too hot.

"I can be angry with you," he growled. "I can be just as terrible as I am elsewhere."

Her eyes narrowed and she ignored him. "You are so turbulent, but you can be calm. You can be careful, and sweet, and—"

He did drop her. She couldn't touch, but grabbed onto the side of the pool to steady herself and glared.

"We've been _over_ this," he seethed. "I will not explain myself again. Either you accept me or you don't."

"Don't shut me out," she said hotly, but then her tone gentled. "Please."

He closed his eyes and took a breath. He couldn't do this, not with her.

"Let's forget this. Let's just do something else," he said, his voice almost steady.

She bit her lip and worried it between her teeth. "I talked to Leia."

His blood pressure must have skyrocketed. He could hear his own heartbeat in his ear. His fists tightened and he took a few steps away from her.

"Don't, Rey."

"I'm not going to say what you think I'm going to say," she said quickly. "Just listen."

She took a breath when he didn't immediately protest, and said, "My meditations haven't been working. I can't connect to the Force. Every time I try, I fail. Like I…like I'm not…" She struggled and faltered, and somehow, in his anger, he found sympathy for her.

"I think it's because of the Dark side. I felt it, that day on Starkiller. You know I did."

He looked at her, really looked at her. "I know."

She looked down at the water. "Leia told me that she doesn't think that it's right for me to try and fight to be in the Light. I can't let go of all my attachments—I can't be like Luke. She said I should embrace them both, let them combine…into grey? So I wouldn't be fighting against one or the other."

Why was she telling him this? He thought of her of the light—yes, she had accessed the Dark side, but she was much more light than dark, if he had to guess. But he knew much of the fight, the struggle. He had tried to be light, and now he tried to be dark. But it was never enough…He was close, but…

"And?" He said thickly.

"And I think that's where you are. That's why we…we are so similar. But you lean towards the dark, but if you just stopped the struggle to push out the light—Which you know you have inside—maybe, then you could be at peace!"

As if called to him, the darkness swirled around him, numbing him. Insecurity rushed into him and he swept his hands apart, the water swirling away from his accidental use of the Force.

"No!" He shouted, and then all was quiet. She was looking at him with an expression he could only describe as heartbroken. It almost softened him.

"No," he repeated. "Do not mistake what we have for _the Light._ It is not a light in my darkness."

She said nothing, only wrapping her arms around her.

"I love you," he said. "But this compassion is the way of the dark. Passion, fire, lust is the way to power. My grandfather loved my grandmother. It was loving her which turned him to the Dark side. It is why he was so strong."

Rey's voice was soft. "You know you can't have attachments. And he was heartbroken. He killed her himself because of the Darkness."

Hatred clawed up his throat but he bit the awful words back.

"He did not," he growled.

She didn't say anything, but he knew what she was thinking. She was thinking about him and her, and about his grandfather. She just didn't understand.

"I just want you to know that there's another way," she said firmly. "I know you never felt right when you worked with Luke. Maybe you felt like I do, like you're not good enough."

Her head dipped down and a pang hit his black heart.

"Maybe you felt like you could never be what they expected you to be. That you're not what they want. But maybe it doesn't mean you have to push yourself to the dark side."

He kept his words to himself and only watched her as she met his eyes.

"I know you have been in pain. You've been torn apart, pulled like I have felt… and I think you will never be able to be fully dark. I think Snoke's lying to you. You want peace, but what will bring it?"

For a few minutes his thoughts were too loud. He tried to quiet them, but nothing worked until his vision focused on her expression, which was vulnerable.

"Rey," he said quietly and she looked at him. "I don't have any answers for you."

He took a breath and took a few steps closer to her. "I know what you want. I would give you so much, but I will not abandon my master or his training. I know my path."

Her shoulders fell but he edged closer. "I don't consider my mother to be wise, but if you are feeling that way, perhaps she is…right. I want you to be at peace."

She swam towards him and took his thick biceps in her hands, her fingers digging in. Her expression was fierce. "You have good in you. You know what we have is not light or dark. Admit it."

He looked at her gravely, and said nothing.

"Say it," she said, her voice spiking. "Tell me our love does not fuel your anger and violence and whatever else!"

"It does not," he said.

She launched herself at him and buried her face into his neck. "How are we to do this if we are never to meet in the middle at all?"

He curled his arms around her. "We will figure it out."

She shook her head. "You hurt. You are in pain. It's like a phantom, following you around even when we are together."

"I can't fix it," he said. "Only you take the pain away."

"Ren, please. Couldn't you just try?"

"Rey, I won't—"

"Please, just try. Please. It's all I want. It's all I want."

He could feel her despair. She wanted to imagine a future of them where he had control over himself, where he could be the kind of man she deserved. A man not steeped in blood and darkness. A small part of him wanted to be that man.

He stroked her wet hair and he was shocked to find his cheeks wet. He tried to scrub it away but he felt her sympathy. Somehow she knew.

"I can't promise," he said.

She felt hope and it stabbed at him.

"Try?" She said into his neck. He closed his eyes and rested his hand on the back of her neck.

"Alright, alright." He didn't know whether it was a lie. He wanted it to be. But it niggled at him. It was not just because it was what she wanted. The future she had envisioned for them long ago was the same he wanted. But how? It was not the power he worked so hard. Why?

She kissed his cheek and cuddled against his skin. Numbly, he pressed his lips to her hair.

Perhaps it would be a reality. Perhaps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh. I swear this is going somewhere, it just is taking a bit. I've not run out of ideas, I just have a large scale plan. I don't like the chapter much, but I'd rather update than tax over it for another week. At least it's long? Trying not to be discouraged, kisses to all of you for your love.


	25. Chapter 25

**Ren**

“Would you do this for me? I don’t like doing it myself.”

Ren glanced over to see her holding a needle--the one to prevent pregnancy. He walked over and took it from her, kneeling down just as he had before.

“I grabbed it from the med bay before I left,” she said, staring ahead. He inserted the needle carefully and within a moment he was done.

“Thanks,” she said, pulling her shirt down. He ran his hand down her arm as he stood, craving the touch of her warm skin. She didn’t mind—he knew she liked it, also having suffered without touch for so long. He felt the spike of pleasure she had when she slipped into his arms when they slept, intertwined. She almost always fell asleep first, apparently finding it easy to relax.

“Want to go look around the place?” Rey asked, turning her clear gaze on him. They had spent most of the first day in this room, where it was warm and they could talk softly and sate themselves with kisses and touch.

“Sure,” he said. He was not in any position to deny her, for she was so unwittingly persuasive. Or at least, she was to him.

She underestimated the cold, so he ordered her to put on another layer.

“I do have some experience with covering up,” she objected. “I protected myself from the sand storms and sun for years.”

“You dressed in the lightest garments because of the heat,” he replied flatly. “Just put the damn coat on.”

In the end, she did, and they strolled through the long halls and walls of old technology. Rey inspected the parts, praising the parts for their worth. He kept turning around, hearing whispers. There was an energy throughout the place that haunted him, making his head ache with effort to try and keep himself focused and calm. Luckily, her lips turned blue and she tried valiantly to hide her tremors, but he was watching her carefully, as he always did. After a brief argument, she agreed to let him carry her on his back to their warm haven.

They ate, and they warmed themselves by the fire—thoroughly, with him completing his promise to make love to her by the fire. She murmured to him that in the morning she had to leave, and he found himself unable to push the darkness back. It swirled around him and he quickly realized that he needed to get away from her. He was bound to explode with disappointment and anger, and he would not let her be a part of that. Never again.

He controlled himself enough to kiss her brow and to tightly tell her he needed a walk. She scrambled up, with a protest but he refused her.

“I’ll be back,” he promised, grabbing his saber and cloak and leaving before she had the chance to follow.

He strode, fast and hard through the snow until he was certain he was far enough. He ignited his saber and slashed at the nearby machinery, smoke and sparks flying out to sting his eyes and cheeks since he had no mask. He had been in such a hurry that he had forgotten gloves, so his clenched hands quickly became completely flushed.

But his anger made him hot. It boiled his ears in a way the sun could never burn him. Horrible sounds tore from his throat, and all he could see was flashes of white and red as he destroyed. Finally his tense muscles were able to relax, and he was hollow and empty. Calm enough to return to her once he caught his breath.

When he opened the door she was pacing. Her eyes snapped to him and she crossed her arms. He reached out with the force and felt anger and hurt—and a little fear, which shamed him. He never wanted her to be afraid of him. She was the only person who wasn’t.

“Rey—“

“Why did you do that?” She burst out. She turned her head away but with a start, he realized she was crying.

“Love, I’m sorry,” he said mournfully, but she shook her head and refused his embrace.

“You never let me help you,” she said, her voice choked. She was oh so very angry.

“I don’t need your help,” he said coldly, but regretted his tone instantly.

She glared at him, cheeks flushed.

“You make it hard to love you,” she said.

He felt himself shudder and for a moment he heard nothing but a high ringing sound. Then heat rushed through him and he was able to focus on her face. She looked a little shocked, but the sorrow in her eyes spread throughout her features.

All the anger rushed out.

“Don’t be one of them,” he said quietly. “Don’t be just another one of those people who wants me to be different.”

Her clear gaze met his without fear or anger.

“You’re better than this,” she said. “You’re stronger than this.”

That cut him deep. And suddenly, he could hear _that_ voice in his ear.

_You’re stronger than this._

At every moment of weakness, he heard that voice. His grandfather, urging him on. He remembered standing in the biting wind, barely deflecting Rey’s blows on Starkiller.

_You’re stronger than this._

He had a surge of anger, had hit back with more force, driving her back until their blades clashed against each other for a long moment. She had been beautiful, teeth bared and bathed in the purple light. But he had only seen red.

 _“I don’t need anyone!”_ She had shouted, and pain had coursed through him.

 _You’re stronger than this,_ the voice said again. Ren’s anger mounted, heart pounded.

_Kill her._

It was then that he had snapped. She had gotten the upper hand. He had been shocked, both by his grandfather’s order and her declaration. He had howled in pain inside and out. He had thought one word in defiance

_No!_

She had won that fight, given him his scar. She would have won it even if he had not have been so shaken by the voice. But something inside him had shifted.

His grandfather had fallen silent. He had not heard that voice since Starkiller, since that moment. And he had buried the memory deep, deep down. He hadn’t thought of it until now.

Why?

He stumbled back from Rey and sat down on the bed. His hands and legs were shaking. He could hear her voice, concerned and confused, but recognized no words.

Her hands came to rest on his cheeks and she tilted his face up.

“Ren!” She shouted, and he blinked.

“What?” He said stupidly, and her shoulders sagged.

“What’s wrong with you?” She asked. “You looked like—“ Her voice cut off and her hazel eyes were filled with fear.

With his shaking hands he drew her into his lap and laid his head on her breast.

“Hold me,” he said roughly. “Please.”

She did, tightly, and he closed his eyes. She was here, solid and real. He could feel her love and concern. It filled the emptiness inside him and drove away the horrible fear that had seized him.

Why had he thought that the voice was his grandfather’s? He tried to remember.

Faintly, he remembered rejection from a group of boys at Luke’s academy. His cheeks, sticky with cold tears. And a voice, comforting him and encouraging him. He had imagined it was his grandfather’s voice. It would be scary if it wasn’t.

And Snoke, standing in front of him, laying a gnarled had on his shoulder many years later.

 _“Your grandfather does speak to you,”_ he said. _“Listen closely to his guidance.”_

Had Ren been wrong?

The idea shook him to the core. He knew Rey was dying to understand, her curiosity and worry leaping from her into his mind.

Confusion stabbed at his mind, which ached more than any punishment from his master. Only Rey’s even breaths, and the smell of her soft, sweet skin kept him tethered to himself. A low groan echoed from his throat and he dimly felt her hand stroke his black locks.

“Shh,” Rey hushed. Even if she had no idea what was wrong, even if he had frightened her, angered her, she was still here. He was a sniveling scrap of flesh, a shriveled embryo outside it’s mother’s body. But still she held him like he was precious. Not like he was revolting, or repulsive. As his head pounded and pricks of light pounded behind his eyelids, he silently vowed to never let her go. He would keep her safe from anything.

Even from the dark side. Even from his master.

~

**Rey**

Even after they parted from Hoth, Rey could not stop thinking about Ren. He had been so, so vulnerable in her arms the night before she left. And she still hadn’t the faintest idea why.

She had thought it was because of her, because she had told him he was hard to love. But he later assured her that wasn’t it. He wasn’t ready to talk about it. When she protested, his gaze was steel and his jaw was set.

 _“I love you,”_ he had said quietly, firmly. _“I will tell you when it is safe.”_

It was not like him to be so quiet and withdrawn. He was either tender and passionate, or raw and explosive. So the image of him, and of his strange swirl of emotions haunted her.

But somehow, she progressed in her training. Weeks passed, and she worked harder than ever to perfect her forms, her use of the Force physically. Luke did not say much, but she felt his approval. One night he carved her a sweet little bird, etched with tiny feathers and strung on a thin leather cord. The wood was soft and silky and smelled faintly of the pine she had smelled on Ahch-to.

“Is it from…?”

“Yes,” Luke answered, a small smile playing under his gray beard. “I’ve been saving it.”

“Thank you,” she said quietly, beaming at her little bird.

Luke sat back, satisfied, and then gazed off into the flames.

“You’ve been doing well with your meditation,” he remarked.

She nodded. She hadn’t told Luke what Leia had told her, or that Rey had stopped fighting against the dark side.

“You are still not at peace even if you can reach serenity with the Force,” Luke said.

Rey swallowed, looping the cord over her head and playing with her little bird. Her thoughts and dreams of Ren were troubling her more than they should. She didn’t answer. She had learned from Luke that sometimes no answer said more than words.

Luke sighed.

“You need to separate yourself—“ he began, but then stopped, an odd look on his face. He looked at her, and she felt the warm grasp of his Force reach around her.

“You feel like—“ He cut himself off again and then shook his head.

“What?” Rey asked, running her tongue along her teeth. She thought of Leia, her hand around Rey’s, and waited.

“Nothing,” Luke said. A long silence came and settled around them.

Rey ran her hands along the wood of her bird again and again. Luke had told her of the charm his father had made for his mother—and how she had worn it every day until she was buried with it in her hands. He alluded that he had spoken to his father—but never his mother. Rey wondered why.

“You are doing well,” Luke finally said. “Perhaps it’s time we start finding you a kyber crystal. You can’t use that old blade forever. A new kind of Jedi needs a fresh start.”

With shining eyes and her face cracking open with joy, Rey looked up at him.

“Really?” She asked breathlessly. “My own saber?”

Luke nodded, his blue eyes bright in the dark weathered skin. “We’ll have to start planning an off-world trip.”

“Is it safe?” She asked. “For you?”

Luke nodded. “We will be careful. Besides, I sense that I am not sought after right now. Those eyes have turned on another.”

Rey frowned. Did he mean that Ren was too busy focusing on her to find Luke?

Luke got up, his stiff knees cracking.

“Going to bed. Full moon tonight. Makes me antsy.”

“The Force is strong, then,” Rey said sagely, and Luke scoffed.

“Just a shift in the tides,” he grumbled. “Nothing more.”

Rey went to bed shortly after. There was little to do alone in the dark. She closed her eyes and snuggled under the thick fur on her little pallet. The corner room was barely big enough for her bed, but it was cozy.

A full moon, she thought. Idly through a dazed mind she started counting how long it had been since she had seen Ren. But then a thought came to her, and frozen, she began to count again. And again.

She sat up in her bed and used her fingers until they were stiff with cold.

Surely something had been messed up. It was impossible. She stuck her fingers down the front of her hips and touched her center. When she brought her hand out, there was nothing on her hand.

She had been regular since she was sixteen. She had only missed a period from near starvation. And she was far from that now.

Somehow, she had skipped one. It had been over two months. She hadn’t noticed. Panic set in and she clutched her messy head, trying to remember. Had Ren put the shot in right? Had she grabbed the right package? What color had it been? She had been in such a rush to leave the resistance base. Had she taken the wrong one by accident?

 _No,_ she prayed. _Please._ She couldn’t be, she couldn’t. She was twenty years old and in love with a man who killed people for a living. She was learning to become a Jedi. She was to make her own lightsaber!

Tears slipped down her cheeks. It was early, she realized. But something had shifted. She had been more tired, which she thought had been from her training. She had eaten a bit more, but figured it was her body still adjusting to a better diet. She had felt strong in the Force. Maybe…Maybe it was because there was a new force inside her.

She wiped away her tears and touched her stomach. She hadn’t the faintest idea what to do, except to go to a medic as soon as possible. She needed to know. Then, only then, she would figure out what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter so you guys know I'm still alive. School's killing me. A lot happens in this chapter, but I've been leading up to this for a while. Anybody catch the foreshadowing? Hope you like it~


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another shortish chapter, but I wanted to get it out in times for Valentine's Day! Happy Valentines to you and your loved ones. You guys overwhelm me with love for this fic, and it makes me write! You guys are the best. Now that my schoolwork has gotten easier I'll be writing more. Cheers to that!

**Rey**

The next morning she made excuses to Luke about needing to pick up supplies in town. He could obviously sense that something was off, but made no comment.

She pulled into the dusty, dry cluster of huts and left her speeder. She had a handful of credits Luke had given her for whatever she needed. She had them tucked within her bag at her hip, where the warm leather nestled into her so no one could take it without notice. She purchased a crisp, meat filled pastry that was still warm from the oven. Even though she had eaten breakfast with Luke, it was her greatest pleasure to be able to buy food, whatever she liked best. It was a luxury she had never had before and she loved it. She tried something new almost every time.

She scattered the crumbs to the small rodents that hid underneath the lip of the stalls. Their small squeals stole a smile from her, but it quickly faded as she remembered what she was here for.

The medic took her blood from a prick of her finger and placed small pads on her bare abdomen. Rey laid on the crisp paper that covered the table, trying not to shudder from the medic’s hands on her.

“Well,” the medic said once she was done. “It does seem like you are almost two months pregnant.”

Rey swallowed and stared at the pale mud ceiling above her.

“You’re sure?”

“Oh yes,” the medic replied.

Rey took a breath and then sat up. The medic, an older woman with wide but kind eyes, watched her carefully.

“I can give you a shot that will provide you with the necessary nutrients the child will need in addition to an increased diet during this early stage of development.” After a pause, she hurriedly added, “Free of charge.”

Rey looked up, cheeks coloring when she realized that the woman thought her hesitation was from lack of credits.

“No, no, I have enough credits, truly.”

The woman nodded and gave her the shot carefully, and the brush of her fingers on Rey’s hip reminded her of Ren. Throat thick, she paid quickly and left.

She didn’t go directly to the hut. Instead she climbed to the top of a few rocks and watched the horizon. She threw a few rocks across the dunes and sat with her knees to her chest.

She had no idea what to do. She felt like she was truly lost, a simple grain drowning among the millions of others. Oh if only, if only Ren were here.

On Jakku, a pregnancy was a death sentence. The children that scoured the desert for metal scraps all came from prostitutes whose bodies could provide for them as well as carry a child. Rey had never thought of having children, never. When she had thought of finding another scavenger who she could share a home with, a child was still absent. And with Ren…how could she have this child with him light years away in both mind and body?

She needed his arms around her, rocking her to comfort. His deep murmur in her ear, telling her it would be alright. She felt weak for it, but she didn’t care. She squeezed her knees in tighter and closed her eyes. She tried to feel the child within her.

She wasn’t on Jakku anymore. She had to remember that. She was alright, she had plenty of food and people to help her. She wasn’t alone. In fact, she’d never be alone again, she realized.

With that thought she began to imagine a child of her and Ren’s. Dark hair, or maybe brown. Dark eyes, surely. Maybe it would be a little boy, the spitting image of Ren who would dig in the dirt and have a sweet, sweet smile.

Something warm grew in her chest. A child she could love with all that she was never given.

She stood and returned to the hut. When she opened the door, Luke was not out meditating or training like he usually was, instead he waiting for her.  

Luke’s light eyes stared at her without words. She swallowed, unable to lay down her cloak and pretend she did not feel his scrutiny.

Finally, he spoke.

“I had a vision,” he said gravely. “A vision of a child.”

Rey swallowed and looked down. He knew.

Luke stood, and for the first time, his voice wavered.

“Is it true? Tell me, Rey.”

She looked up, but the thickness of her throat made her unable to reply, so she slowly nodded.

Luke gripped the back of his chair and looked down, and Rey realized that he might be disappointed with her.

He shook his head. “A child of two incredibly powerful Force users…”

Rey bit her lip, her frown creasing her forehead. For once, she felt a flash of irritation.

“Just because it’s his doesn’t mean it will be dark,” she said hotly. “There is good in him. He loves me.”

Luke stood up straighter, and Rey realized that this was perhaps one of the first times they had ever spoken about Rey’s visits.

“Does he?” Luke asked. “How do you know he did not create this child for his master? How do you know that the passion you see will not erupt into flames?”

Rey remembered the violence she had felt from Ren and inhaled sharply. What if…what if that did happen? What if he gave her the wrong shot? Or gave it to her wrong?

No. No. She bobbed her head up and met Luke’s eyes.

“No. He wouldn’t.”

She felt shaky, but something in her had steeled. “This child was made from love. I swear it. And I…I want it.”

Their gazes did not falter from each other’s until Luke gave a great sigh.

“You are so much like Leia,” he said quietly. “It would kill me to see what happened between her and Ben happen to you.”

Rey was shocked. She hadn’t realized that Luke was thinking of that, and before she knew it she found herself moving towards him. Then her arms were around the grizzled man who smelt of smoke and wind.

“I promise this will be different,” she swore. “I won’t let him, or anyone, hurt this child. There is a way to live through the Force in balance, and I have found it. I will teach it to my child.”

Luke’s hand patted her back and they parted. His eyes weren’t clear.

“If anyone can break the cycle, it’d be you,” he said. “You can learn from our mistakes.”

She nodded. “So you will not turn me out?”

Luke’s features twisted into sorrow before relaxing back into his normal, placid expression.

“It is dangerous to manipulate the Force while pregnant. You cannot continue your training. Not now,” he said. When he broke his gaze with her, she felt her gut go heavy. “You must go to Leia. This is no place for you right now. You need protection, support. She will be happy to have you.”

Rey swallowed hard. “No, Luke. Please. You know that I can still learn just by listening. Or at least help you around here. I don’t—“ _I don’t want to leave you._

She had thought Han Solo was a man she’d want for a father. He still was the father of her dreams; adventurous, gutsy, swashbuckling and charming. But it was Luke who had taught her so much, who she had joked with by countless fires. Who had seen her first steps towards becoming a Jedi. He had praised and encouraged her, chided but watched over her like a father. She loved him. And she couldn’t bear think of leaving. Of being cast out again.

“Calm yourself, Rey,” Luke said gently. “When you have delivered the child and it is fit to travel, return here, and I will teach you what else you need to know.”

She shook her head. “I want you to come with me.”

Luke was silent, but she could feel his rejection. She jumped up, grabbed his hand and begged, “please Luke. Leia—she misses you. You’d be safe there, surely—“

“No,” Luke interrupted. “Even if I am tempted, I cannot. I must do what is best for my family. You are my family now, and so is Leia. I must be apart from you, for if I am not you will be caught in the crossfire of my capture.”

“But Luke—“

“No, Rey,” He said, gentler this time. “I must stay here. And tomorrow—you must go.”

She felt a tear, traitorous and unwanted, slip down her cheek. He turned from her but she still felt his feelings. Sadness. Longing. Loneliness. Caring.

“I will go,” she whispered. “But please reconsider. Just to see me once, before the baby is born. I will need your strength.”

The barest of nods came, and she felt a small flame of hope. Luke turned back and rested his hand on her shoulder.

“Be careful, Rey,” he said, eyes serious and clear now. “You have a hard road ahead.”

She knew.

~

Leia did greet her with open arms. And when she found out Rey was pregnant, she was even happier.

“Oh my god,” she murmured, staring directly at Rey’s stomach. “I never thought it would happen.”

Rey shrugged. She hadn’t either. But day by day, she felt more and more protective of her little baby. It was silent, but it’s present was like a little ripple in the Force. Rey spoke to it at night in her little room at the resistance base, imagining the little ripples growing bigger and bigger. So what if it looked like a soybean? It was still hers.

Immediately she was given a job working on ships, which she enjoyed immensely. Finn and Poe, whom she was getting to know better now, were both very displeased with all of it. Finn didn’t like that she was pregnant, didn’t like that she was working while pregnant, and didn’t like that she was away from Luke.

“Don’t get me wrong, peanut,” he tried to explain after she snapped at him for being rude about the baby. “I’m glad you’re here. But Luke could protect you from Ren—I mean, the First Order. Why come here?”

“Because it’s where I need to be. I can’t use the Force a lot while I’m pregnant. It will mess up the baby’s Force balance,” she grumbled as she adjusted some tubing. “Hand me a socket wrench.”

Eventually he got used to the idea of her being pregnant, and Rey suspected Poe had a hand in it. The man was like a young Han Solo, but without the gruffness. He was a charmer, and his jokes and easy going nature made the tension between Rey and Finn ease. Soon enough, they were feeling her stomach, trying to feel the little ball of warmth Rey swore was there despite her flat stomach. She still was barely showing, although now that she entered her third month her breasts were more swollen than normal.

Despite the lack of transformation, Leia still checked up on Rey almost daily. Was there anything she needed? How was she feeling today? Was her morning sickness bad? Sometimes she’d look so wistfully at Rey that Rey was tempted to look into her mind. What did she want so badly?

Most surprisingly, Rey was included in important war meetings. She rarely contributed, mostly feeling out of her element. Most didn’t seem to know why she was there either. A few gave her and her stomach dirty looks, so she suspected they knew. Finn and Poe were there from time to time as well, which was good. But Poe stuck to the pilots a lot, and Finn had met a few deserter troopers. Sometimes, Rey wished she had someone too. No, she always wished that. And not just someone; Ren. She wanted Ren.

She wanted him to feel her stomach too, and tell her again what their future was going to be like. She wanted him to hold back her hair when she threw up and rub her tired muscles. She wanted his laugh, and she wanted him to help her satisfy the crazy urges she got, like an insatiable itch.

So it shouldn’t have been such a surprise to her when she blurted out a plan during one of the war meetings.

It had been the usual bemoaning of how strong the Order was, how they would never break through the defenses to this or that planet. How Snoke was impossible to locate, and the Knights of Ren almost as invisible. Rey remembered Ren mentioning them, but he had been unwilling to discuss them at length.

“We need to find a chink in the armor,” one senator complained. “Or make one. We need another big blow to really shake them.”

“I agree,” Leia said. “But their other weapons remain undetected or surrounded by civilians. We can’t risk it.”

“Then just capture Hux or something,” Rey interjected offhandedly, tapping a stylus against the metal table. This meeting had gone on too long, but she never could figure out how to leave gracefully.

“Hux is hard to pin down,” Leia said slowly. “He’s heavily guarded.”

“Yeah,” Rey agreed, sitting up a bit more now that all eyes were on her. “But find another high ranking general. If this is a seven headed snake, cut off one of its heads.”

“Indeed,” said a pilot. Joph Seastriker, Rey thought. “She’s right. We need someone who can be cornered on the battlefield.”

Leia’s brow furrowed, and Rey was a little taken back.

“Joph,” Leia warned. “It’s not possible. You know that.”

The man shrugged. “Perhaps not before now. But now we have _her._ ” He said, nodding to Rey.

She suddenly realized what he was referring to. Or rather, who.

“You want to capture Kylo Ren?”

“Who else better?” a Togruta woman said, and a few others nodded. Rey’s mind spun.

“I can’t fight him,” she sputtered. “I’m pregnant.”

There were many knowing looks passed around, and with a flood of embarrassment Rey realized they all knew and had spoken about it to each other.

“Well, he wouldn’t fight you,” Joph said. “Right?”

Rey shook her head. “He wouldn’t, I don’t think.” Even if he didn’t know that she was pregnant.

She hadn’t sent him a message. She wanted to _tell_ him. She wanted it to be normal. She wanted him to be happy and rejoice. But he was far away, and she didn’t want to be disappointed. So Ren remained in the dark.

But a plan began to form in her brain. Ren, trapped here on base with her. Ren, there when she delivered their child. Ren, away from the First Order, finally finding some peace.

“I’ll be the bait, then,” she said suddenly. All eyes were on her again, and Leia gaped.

“No,” The older woman argued. “It’s dangerous. Too dangerous.”

“I could be protected,” Rey replied. “And as soon as he sees me, he won’t let anyone touch me.”

Admiral Ackbar nodded his red head thoughtfully. “Yes, yes! If he’s distracted, he can be stunned…”

“No,” Leia dismissed. “I refuse to consider it. Rey is not a pawn. She’s carrying a child too.”

Rey frowned and tried to push her feelings to Leia, to make her understand. But Leia’s frown only grew deeper.

“Let’s put it to a vote,” Rey suggested lightly, and Leia’s eyes were dangerous. Rey felt bad for angering the only woman she was close to, but if only Leia understood…

“Rey,” Leia interrupted her thoughts. “I know how it is to long for someone. But they will only leave you again. You cannot allow yourself to be dependent on someone else.”

“I’m not,” Rey snapped. “I have plenty of support here. But I want him here. Wanting is different than needing.”

Leia’s eyes pitied her and Rey gripped the metal armrests of her chair. “Let’s just vote.”

And they did. Only three people voted no, Leia being one of them.

“Sorry Leia,” Joph said after it was over. “But this is our chance. We need to use our resources.”

Stiffly, Leia sat erect and beautiful in her chair, her chin lifted high. “If that girl or my grandchild gets hurt, I will withdraw my support,” Leia threatened. There were gasps. “I’m serious. She’s my daughter, and if she is harmed, my son will do nothing else but use his power to destroy us one by one anyways.”

Compassion and regret surged through Rey. Leia cared about her so much, even more than Rey could imagine. And she was hurting the woman, scaring her.

She laid her hand on Leia’s arm. “I promise to be careful,” she promised. “I will not risk my child’s life.”

Leia shook her head, but took a breath before raising her pen to sign the order. “So we must gamble now,” she muttered, signing the plan with a flourish.

Rey smiled.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter! Hope you guys enjoy. i wish I had more time to edit and rewrite parts, but I'd rather get the chapter out then try and make it as perfect as I want it to be, lol. Sorry for the lack of Ren POV, he'll be back soon. Leave me comments, tell me what you're thinking. You guys wow me with your thoughts And don't forget to say hi to me on tumblr at Alicecantescape

**Rey**

The day was marked—they would stage an attack on the First Order base on Corellia in less than a week. When Rey thought of it, she would draw her hand across her middle. She was almost three months now, and her stomach was finally showing a little rounded bump. If she stood up straight, you probably wouldn’t notice. But she kind of liked it, liked running her hand over it to feel the difference.

Leia liked it too. The two women had grown closer somehow. Rey confided in her of her fears, and Leia would listen, cheer her up, and give her advice. And every once and a while, they would talk of Ren. She showed Rey holos of him and they laughed until they couldn’t avoid reality anymore. But Leia never cried—unlike Rey, whose hormones were all over the place.

“Have you always worn your hair like this?” Leia asked the afternoon before the attack. Rey hadn’t been sleeping well—as soon as they had decided to try and take Ren, she had felt incredibly guilty. She had done it in a rush of selfish adrenaline, and now she was doubting her decision. She had been imprisoned before and had hated it. And it had been worse that it had been Ren.

But maybe it was ok. It wasn’t really her—it was the resistance. And gods, maybe she’d stop feeling so angry about that time he had kept her imprisoned on the _Finalizer._ Maybe.

But the truth was that she was ashamed of her selfishness. Yes, she had wanted to help the resistance. Yes, she thought it wasn’t a bad strategy. But she hadn’t suggested it to help. She had suggested it because she wanted him here with her. She wanted him near, so that when she woke up from dreams of a child crying he would be there. So when she threw up for the third time that morning, he would be there to hold back her hair. So that when she cried over a silly fight with Finn he would be there to tell her that no, she wasn’t crazy. She was scared and tired of doing this alone when she knew, _she knew_ that this was possibly the first time she really really needed him. She had Leia, and Finn, and Poe and even Han and Chewie when they were here. But it wasn’t the same. She couldn’t ask them for what she needed, and they couldn’t give it to her.

“Rey?”

Thrust back into the present, Rey’s hand went up to her trio of buns and nodded.

“I’ve worn it like this as long as I can remember,” she admitted.

Leia’s brown eyes watched her carefully for a moment. “Perhaps your mother did it for you.”

Rey swallowed and looked down. “I thought that too.”

There was a bit of a silence before Leia beckoned Rey to her.

“Would you let me do your hair?”

Something in Rey rose and swelled in her throat. But it wasn’t morning sickness.

Stupid hormones.

“Yes,” she murmured, moving to sit in front of Leia. “But I’ve never done this before.”

Leia chuckled. “Luckily, all you have to do is sit there.” With a wave of her hand, a brush suddenly flew out of Leia’s bedroom right into the woman’s hand.

“Oh!” Rey said, turning to stare at the brush in her hand. Leia chuckled.

“I like to use the Force from time to time like this. Make sure I’m not too rusty.”

She turned Rey’s head around and took out Rey’s hairbands. Silently, Rey prayed that her hair—now growing twice as fast thanks to the vitamins she took—wasn’t too greasy.

“I used to be able to plait Ren’s hair a little,” Leia mused. “Just enough to keep it out of his eyes.”

“It’s always in his eyes now.”

Rey could feel the longing in the older woman.

“It’s nice to have a bit more to work with,” Leia remarked. “I’m warning you though, braids have always been my speciality.”

Rey frowned a little. Even with the extra inch she had recently sprouted, her hair wasn’t very long. “Well, you’d be magic to do that to my hair.”

Leia’s hands twisted and Rey felt a familiar knot of hair on her neck.

“Done. Not too different.”

Rey went to mirror and tried to see it, but couldn’t until Leia brought her a smaller, second mirror. She looked at the back and was surprised to see a clever interwoven start of a braid covering the back of her head, ending in one of her signature knots.

“I love it,” she said, surprising herself. She really did. “Would you teach me how to do it?”

Leia smiled behind her. “Of course.”

Rey drew her finger lightly across the prettily braided hair. Maybe it was time for a change.

~

Finally, the day was here. Rey hadn’t slept well—again—and every nervous thought she had in her head kept running on repeat. It was so bad that as they began their descent to Corellia, Rey let Finn hold her hand.

“What if he’s not here?” She asked.

Finn squeezed her hand. “He’s on planet. All the reports said so.”

“I can’t feel him. I can’t.”

“Stop searching,” Finn scolded. “Didn’t Luke say—“

“Yes,” she snapped. “Yes, I’m not supposed to use the Force a lot.” But it scared her that his presence hadn’t stood out to her. This whole thing would be for naught, and her baby would be in danger for nothing if he wasn’t here.

“I’m scared that I won’t be able to protect myself as well as I usually do since the Force is a little muddled for me. What if I get hurt and the baby—“

“Don’t,” Finn said sharply. “I’ll be on top of you and so will everyone else. You won’t be hurt.”

She nodded and gripped his hand tighter. “I’m sorry. I just feel like something isn’t right.”

“You’re in your head too much,” Finn said, his jaw setting too tight. “But this better be worth it, Rey.”

She knew what he meant. _He_ better be worth it. Finn wasn’t happy about this at all. But he promised to support her, even though he lost his mind when she had told him. They had never had such a bad fight, and only Rey’s traitorous hormone tears had calmed him.

“It’ll be worth it,” she said quietly. “I just…I just need this.”

“Him.” Finn said quietly, and suddenly his hand felt uncomfortably sweaty in hers. “You mean him.”

She refused to discuss this further. She had to focus.

~

They were the second to last fleet to arrive, so the battle was already in full swing by the time they arrived. Rey was outfitted in extra safety wear and felt almost woozy from the amount of adrenaline pumping through her veins. Her saber was lit and clutched tightly in her hand.

“Ready?” Finn asked.

“Ready,” she agreed.

They charged out onto the field, and with great relief Rey felt Ren’s angry Force present.

“He’s here,” she murmured, and Finn frowned at her. Maybe he couldn’t hear her over the sound of fire. She began to run, finding the comfortable old pattern of sensing the blasts before they hit her. Finn followed close behind until he was overcome by a group of troopers.

“Go!” He shouted as more resistance fighters began backing him up. Rey nodded and continued. He’d be right with her as soon as he could.

She ran closer until she felt Ren’s Force change. He noticed her.

A sudden blast whizzed by her, too close for her comfort. She whirled around to gaze at a trooper who was pursuing her, and then hurried to try and outrun him, scrambling up a hill and down again.

White caught her eye and she spun to block the blast from his gun. But he was fast, already firing another before she could block. But then suddenly there was the crackling sound of a lightsaber, and the bright blast froze right before it hit her shoulder. Rey’s eyes went straight for the trooper, and she watched as he was split in half by a familiar red saber.

Ren flipped through the air as he cut through the trooper, landing directly in front of her. She had felt him before her mind had registered his presence, but still she was inwardly startled.

“What are you doing here,” he hissed robotically. Her eyes narrowed and she held her lightsaber out defensively.

“Why do you think?” She snapped as she ducked away from the frozen blast just before he released it.

“He was going to hit you,” Ren argued, dispelling a few rebels that charged at him.

She rolled her eyes and blocked a few trooper blasts. “I had it all under control. I don’t need you to protect me.”

“Hold fire around here!” Ren growled at the troopers, and Rey took the opportunity to point her saber at him.

“Why protect me if you’ve only come to fight me?” She asked as he kept guarding himself from the resistance’s attacks.

“Because I haven’t,” he answered, his gravelly voice echoing across the field. “You’re not supposed to be here.” Out of the corner of her eye, Rey saw Finn’s head snap up and see the two. Her throat went dry. _Please Finn. Trust me._

“Why wouldn’t I fight?” She asked.

“Because you were supposed to be training, with Luke. Not in the middle of the battlefield.”

She shook her head and recklessly ran towards the action, but predictably, he followed and managed to get in front of her again.

“Ren, this is the reality!’ She shouted, finding some of her faked exasperation to be real. “We are on opposite sides!” God, would he ever learn? She was not going to sit on the sidelines and watch him slowly conquer the galaxy. Like she’d fall into his arms once he’d ripped any semblance of freedom from each planet.

Even if she was faking, she still felt like it was real.

“You will still fight against me?” He asked, seemingly stunned by this. Behind him, she saw a group of rebels, most overcoming the troopers. She swallowed and forced herself to look straight at Ren’s lifeless mask.

“I’ll do anything to eliminate the darkness from our world.” She held her stance, unwilling to falter now. She wouldn’t betray the resistance. “And from you.”

“A hopeless fight,” he remarked, and she glanced up. Suddenly she felt the force of him claw at her mind, and realized the opportunity. Gritting her teeth, she let her wall give ever so slightly, only to push back full force into his mind. Like she had accidentally done before.

Screams and fear, and so much rage. But so different than before. There was a different tone to his thoughts. He was protective of her, she realized, more so than she’d even want. But he loved her, truly. Still afraid of never measuring up to Vader. But also afraid of losing her, in death and in life. It was pulling him in two different directions. Tearing him apart. And there was something else—a voice? Snoke--

She felt the sudden peak in him, and realized he was ready to fight back. But it was too late. The rebels were upon him. He managed to fling them all back with the Force, and Rey realized what must be done. She ran straight for the rebel’s electric volter.

“Rey!”

Ren jumped in front of her, taking the volts of electricity himself before crumpling to the ground. He was in restraints within moments.

Rey gasped and stumbled back at the brutality which she should have expected. Finn jogged up to her, blaster still in hand and laid a hand on her shoulder. She knew she should have anticipated this sight. But watching Ren shout and struggle and be stabbed with a drug to subdue him—making it harder to use the force—hurt her. But what was worst was the betrayal in his eyes.

“Traitor!” He screamed, dark eyes wild as the resistance quickly dragged him to the designated ship. She shook her head and turned away from both Finn and Ren, not wanting anyone to see her tears.

Surviving troopers were retreating, but still a few ran to try and stop the arrest of their master. But they weren’t fast enough; they had stayed away from Ren since he had been near Rey and he had given them the order to hold back fire from her.

“They won’t hurt him, Rey,” Finn told her, tension evident in his voice at her unhappiness. “They know he’s…different.”

“I know,” She said brusquely, and began to walk off to the waiting ship.

~

“Thank gods,” Leia said as they arrived. Rey let herself be embraced, but her heart was gripped with a different kind of fear now that could not be ignored. It burned her.

“Is he here?” She asked, and Leia frowned, the lines of her face growing deeper.

“Yes, and the drugs are starting to wear off. But I don’t think you should see him now.”

“No!” Rey said, a little more forcefully than she had meant to. “I mean, please. I need to see him. I need to tell him.”

Leia gripped Rey’s arms. “Is now really a good time? Perhaps you should wait until he calms down—“

Rey shook her head. “He won’t. Betrayal—he can’t handle it. I need him to understand as soon as possible or else I fear that he will spiral.”

Leia looked disturbed. “You would know better than me,” she said softly, and it almost broke Rey’s heart. “But we need to set a few ground rules.”

“What?” Rey said, her dark brows drawing together. “What rules?”

Leia shifted. “Those of the committee who know the background of your pregnancy agreed that you mustn’t be in there for too long. An hour at a time. No sleeping, no whispering. There’s cameras in the cell to make sure there’s not a moment you are in danger.”

Rey pressed her lips together and closed her eyes. She hated the stupid rules, but she could deal with them later. “Fine. Just let me see him.”

Leia took a deep breath and Rey found herself holding her own until the woman spoke.

“Alright. Follow me.”

~

“Come to see your prisoner?”

His voice was bitter and mocking. She felt his anger, like tiny stabbing needles. Instantly she wanted to shout at him, because he was being ridiculous. His constant rage was aggravating and pointless. He was doubting her, assuming she sought to hurt him. Had she not assured him again and again of her love?

What a child.

“I did not ask for you to be captured. It was in the best interest of the Rebellion,” she bit back, leaning against the door.

He sat in the shadow of the cell, his dark clothes and coloring making him blend in. Only his eyes, lifting to lock onto hers, shone in the shadows.

“Is that so?” He asked, unmoving. “I’m sure you didn’t object. But that just means that it was mother dearest who ordered my arrest.”

Rey swallowed, trying to stay calm. What a reunion.

“I didn’t think it would help us,” she answered lowly. “I thought it would only push you farther from the light.”

He laughed bitterly. “Well then I thank you, _darling._ ”

The bite in his words ignited something in her. “If you detest me so, then I won’t stick around. I don’t have time for your shit.” Damn it, she needed to calm down.

“Rey.”

She turned to see him, eyes dark as a starless night.

“Why?”

She licked her lips, biting and worrying one between her teeth.

“I—“ She paused. “I’m pregnant, Ren.”

His entire face changed, first slipping to shock and then, surprisingly, joy.

“Rey,” he breathed, coming to envelope her in his robed arms. She let him, tears fighting against her eyes as he pressed gentle kisses to her head.

“Gods,” he murmured. “A child. Our child.”

He smelled so good, just like her dreams. A tear spilt, and then another as she pressed her face into his shoulder.

“How are you so happy?” Rey asked. When she first had known, she had been so worried and distraught. Didn’t he care?

He pulled back to cradle her face in his hands, his expression incredibly serious. His soft lip quivered.

“Are you unhappy that you are pregnant?”

She shook her head. “But how are you not worried? We are not even in the same place or anything—“

“We managed to make a child, did we not?”

“Ren,” she snapped. “We cannot raise a child like how it’s been.”

She swallowed. “I don’t even know how I got pregnant,” she began carefully. “Could you have put the shot in wrong?”

He frowned. “No.”

She worried her lip between her teeth. “Then how?”

He said nothing, only narrowing his eyes at her.

“Rey,” he said. “I did not give you the shot wrong.”

Her eyes flashed up to his, and his frown deepened.

“You think I would get you pregnant on purpose?

“I never said that!” She snapped.

He held out his hand. “Look,” he growled. “I will prove it to you.”

She hesitated then took his hand. She was deep inside his mind in an instant, and he pulled the memory up for her. She watched and felt what he felt as he carefully deposited the shot into her flesh.

“Wait,” she said. “Let me see it again.”

She watched and caught sight of the package containing the needle. It was clearly a blue-green. Rey cursed and pulled herself from his mind.

“What?” Ren said sharply. Rey scowled.

“The package is supposed to be a light blue. I grabbed the wrong one. It was turquoise.”

There was a silence, then Ren chuckled and pulled her back to him.

“It’s alright, Rey.”

She closed her eyes. “I’m sorry that I doubted you.”

She felt him relax underneath her arms. “Thank you.”

They had a moment of peace before Rey felt worry flare. What were they going to do? She began again, words fast and scared, but he stopped them with a kiss.

“Hush,” he said firmly. “Can we not have a moment to simply enjoy the fact that we have made something beautiful? That we are now linked for always through the product of our love?” His eyes were shining, and Rey’s stomach flipped. “We are to have a child. What could be more wonderful?”

They held each other’s gazes for a while before she buried her face back into his shoulder. “Ren,” she murmured, overcome. “I’m happy, I am. I’m just scared.”

“You?” He said, a little surprised. “I didn’t think anything could scare you.”

“Well I am,” she said. “I’ve got no idea how to raise a child. Especially like this.”

“It’s alright,” he said softly, hands moving over her to comfort. “I’m here.”

Rey pulled back in embarrassment and swiped at her eyes. “Stupid hormones,” she mumbled, but he pulled her back into an embrace.

“Hush,” Ren said. “There’s nothing wrong with you being scared.”

Rey frowned into his robes. Hypocrite. She pulled away and wrapped her arms around herself.

“I’m fine,” she said. “I just…”

She turned away but he got up, and the noise made her pause. Soon his hand was on her shoulder, and she was turned back to look into his piercing eyes.

“The tides have turned,” he said quietly, but the anger seeped through. “I am your prisoner now. Are you happy?”

Her lips pressed together, but the words fought her and won. “No! I hated it, and I wouldn’t want to do that to you. Because I actually care about you. Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten.”

They held onto their tense stares for a while, but soon his expression changed ever so slightly, and she took advantage.

“I wanted you here with me, but not like this. Still, the Resistance wants to deal a blow to the First Order, and this is it. And I…I need you with me now. Who was I to refuse?”

Seemingly looking for sincerity, he searched her eyes for a moment before crushing her to his chest.

“I want to be with you too. Especially now. But not like this,” he murmured. She nodded, and for a moment there was only silence and yearning.

“Rey.” He whispered. She clutched him and pressed her eyes to his cloak, letting the dark fabric soak up the few tears she shed.

“You’re fighting a losing battle , Ren,” she murmured angrily, unhappy with the emotion that was overcoming her. His fingers tightened.

“I wish you would have left me in the dark.”

She pulled back to look at him. “So you could ignore this? So you wouldn’t be a part of this?”       

He shook his head, his dark hair falling to hide his face in the shadows. “So I wouldn’t feel this pain. How am I to help you when I am no good for you?”

“Will you ever stop brooding?” The words burst out of her. “Everyone has light and dark in them. If you immerse yourself so fully in the darkness, you will kill us all, and you will become as withered and hopeless as Snoke.”

He was shocked into silence by her words, but soon his head shook. “I will never be like you. I’ll never be even close to good. I’m chaos, Rey. The closer you get, the more I’ll hurt you.”

She shook her head slowly and sighed before leaning against him again. “There’s more good in you than you know.”

“I come from a line of darkness. Our child…if it is influenced by me…”

She laughed. “You’re full of shit!” He finally looked up, eyes widened as she continued. “You’re the son of Leia Organa and Han Solo. Leia said your grandmother was one of the most just, pure, and determined person that ever lived. Even Anakin turned to the light.”

Ren stared at her, and then looked away slowly, his long jawline catching the light of the prison. She touched his arm and met his serious eyes. Suddenly, she felt his line of thinking. _I’m lucky._

She smiled.

Ren’s face lost its tenderness quickly. “If I am to be here, why can’t I be with you?” He asked.

Rey swallowed and drew back. “It’s not wise.”

His brow furrowed. “What are you afraid of?”

Her cheeks flushed. “I’m not. It’s just…not a good idea. Safety issues, and all that.”

Dark eyes narrowed, his grip became a little tighter. “They won’t let it happen. They think you’ll let me go.”

She frowned and shook him off. “They trust me. They don’t trust you. I think they are afraid you will…take advantage of the lighter security.”

His breathing was more labored and she looked up, already knowing the anger she’d see there.

“I’m on the same goddamn base as you, and I am refused the right to see you?” He shouted.

She sighed with irritation. “Just accept it. This isn’t your little dictatorship. I don’t make all the decisions, and you most certainly don’t.”

He was lucky they hadn’t tied him up and beaten him. It was only Rey and Leia who opposed it. Luke hadn’t shared his thoughts, but Rey knew he struggled with the anger and resentment he felt against his nephew.

Ren was currently trying to control himself, but it didn’t seem to be working. Rey went to lay a calming hand on his arm.

His mouth tightened, teeth obviously grinding, but after a moment he asked, “Will you stay here with me?”

She shook her head slowly. “I can’t,” she admitted.

A snarl escaped Ren, but she wasn’t afraid. Instead she leaned against him.

“I’ll come see you,” she promised. “I have many other things to do here anyways. I work on the ships here.”

He ran a hand through his hair, dark eyes closing to try and limit his anger.

“I want to sleep with you. Touch you. Talk with you,” he glowered.

“Reconsider the side you’re on and we’ll talk,” she said unsympathetically. He shook his head but didn’t reply.

She turned around to face him and pressed herself into his front. “Hold me now while we are together. Show me that your feelings haven’t changed.”

“Ridiculous.” He murmured, wrapping his arms around her again and resting his head on hers. She sighed out as a buried tension relaxed. Finally, Ren was in her arms again. Safe, real, loving. Nothing like her nightmares, and not just a lovely dream as well.

They had missed each other, it seemed. For that brief moment there wasn’t anything else other than two people who had missed each other greatly, basking in their reunion.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluffy stuff ahead. Hope y'all like! Been hard to write lately because of school and stuff. Leave comments to motivate me! and don't forget to check me out on tumblr at alicecantescape!

**Ren**

They had been able to talk for a while, fingers wandering over each other’s most of the time. She told him of her training, which he commented on with interest. He described the planets he had seen, enjoying the way her eyes had grown in wonder. She traced the dark circles under his eyes and questioned him on silly things like sleep and eating. Nothing mattered but getting stronger and restoring the galaxy to its rightful state; then he and Rey could truly be together.

He was angry that Luke had refused to train her. Yes, it was dangerous to use the Force while pregnant. But She was obviously hurt by Luke’s rejection—Couldn’t the old man have taught her some forms or something? She had a strange attachment to Ren’s hated uncle. But damn it, Ren did care if Luke hurt Rey because he hated Ren. Which is what Ren suspected.

She had to leave, which was fortunate, for Ren’s thoughts were drifting to a much darker subject. With a single kiss, she left him alone in the cell.

It was all white, with a simple cot, table, and two chairs. There was a slot to the side of the steel door that Ren suspected was for food, clothes, or whatever he needed. A crude refresher was built into a corner of the room with only a curtain for privacy.

His thoughts returned to the only subject of importance now: the child.

He had felt such _joy_ , such happiness. But it was eclipsed now at the thought of his master.

His master, who Ren now suspected had been using him, twisting his mind through projection telepathy. It worried Ren, for it showed truly how powerful Snoke was, to be able to project his whispers into Ren’s head without a biological or emotional connection.

It scared him.

For the first time, he had something to truly protect. Rey could always protect herself—and told him so—but a child, a sweet, vulnerable _child_ would be putty in Snoke’s hands. Just like Ren had been.

It was strange, these feelings of anger and rebellion against his master. He had been so faithful, and his master had never led him astray—unless…

Surely it could not have been him. Maybe it had been his grandfather. Ren was confused. How could he know? How?

Either way he knew Snoke would want his child. And as much as Ren wished he could simply whisk Rey away to some planet the First Order controlled where she and their child could be protected, he was uneasy. And he would not put their child in any situation that they could be separated from it. Ren would never leave his child, never abandon it. For now, he had no other choice but to be here, where Rey was safe and happy. He could most likely break out of this stupid cell, but he would not. He needed to be here with her.

Unfortunately, she didn’t come even a portion of what he wanted her to. Sometimes a whole day would pass without seeing her. Those were the worst times.

The days dragged. Rey brought him gifts occasionally, holos and food but mostly he paced. And paced. And paced. Trying to keep his rage contained. Trained obsessively even though they had sliced him open and implanted him with a small, Force-dampening implant. So his muscles grew thicker, and his mind buzzed as he tried again and again and again to push past the influence of the implant.

He thought too much. He realized that this was what Rey had to endure and more when she had been his prisoner. The long hours passed so slowly; even with her work room the time must have passed at the speed of a snail. He understood now why she had been going crazy, stuck in his apartment on the ship. How she had yearned to simply walk around and see something new. How lonely she must have been. He experienced it all firsthand now, and he swore to himself that he would never subject her to something even remotely similar ever again. It was twice now that he had done it, and he felt guilt for that.

Ren valued her presence much more. Before, she was always at his disposal, waiting for him. Or gone. Now it was he who waited. She was busy and happy here, always breezing in smelling of grass and fuel. He always took her in his arms immediately, cherishing the simple intimacy they could share, even so temporarily. She truly was his sun; his world now revolved around her completely. That, and the child.

The small bump was growing, slowly but surely.

“What shall we name it?” She asked as he rested his hand on her stomach one day. Ren beckoned to her, wanting her closer. He was always asking for more. More touch, more time. She bit her lip and her eyes darted to the door before she slid onto his lap.

Her presence was heady and dizzying. So warm, like a burst of color in his grey world. She had become more affectionate, somehow, more willing and wanting to cuddle and be held. He wasn’t sure why—was it him? The pregnancy?—but he was not about to ask and spoil it. He ached to hold her at night, it was pure torture to have her so near.

A slow smile came to his face. “If it’s a boy—“

“No,” She cut him off. “Not Anakin.”

Ren frowned. How did she know?

She forced him to look at her and then kissed him quickly.

“What about Jyn? Or Tassia?”

Ren’s spine straightened. “If I can’t have Anakin, you can’t have Jyn.”

Rey’s cheeks colored. “So you know that story?”

“Very well,” Ren said dryly. “It’s only one of the most ridiculous tall tales of the Resistance. They turned those people into martyrs.”

Rey’s color deepened. “Is not!” Ren sensed that he was in trouble. Rey stood up and pushed herself away from Ren, but he caught her wrist and pulled her back.

“I’m sorry,” Ren said. Rey was extra sensitive now that she was pregnant. He had to be more thoughtful and stop putting his own lightsaber in his back.

She stood over him and looked unsure until he slid her a smile and said, “How about we name it Rey?”

She laughed and let him pull her back into his lap. “Only if it’s middle name can be Hux.”

She laughed at his face and laid her head down on his shoulder, where she stayed for a while until she had to leave. It was these moments that were the only things that kept him sane.

His mother came to visit him as well, but he did not greet her with any of the emotion he showed Rey.

“Leia Organa,” he said coldly, watching her from his slumped seat in a corner. “I wondered when you’d come visit me.”

“Ben,” she whispered, and then recovered quickly, becoming the stone cold general she always had been. “You’re lucky to be here.”

“Am I?” He hissed. “Am I so lucky to be seized and held by the rabble you call a resistance?”

“That rabble captured you,” she remarked dryly. “And I meant that you are lucky we have treated you better than you have treated our soldiers. Is it so terrible to see your mother and your…friend?”

She meant Rey. His “friend.” Ha. She was pregnant with his child. Rey was his, and he was hers in the most intimate of ways. “Lover” implied only a physical relationship, and she wouldn’t become his fiancé. Yet. Unable to think of a better term, he let it slide.

“If I had my way, I wouldn’t see you ever again.”

She gave a harsh laugh, but there was sadness behind it. “Poor, tortured Ben. You are only being treated how you have treated so many others. Including Rey.”

She always knew where to hit; she spotted weakness like a hawk.

“You have no place to comment on the procedures of the First Order. And if you have a point, you better make it. It won’t be long until the Knights come for me.”

Her head tilted back, dark eyes glittering as she appraised him. “Yes, the Knights of Ren. Would you be so kind to share about them?”

He did not dignify the request with his breath. After a long moment of tension, she shook her head. “I assumed you would tell us nothing, but do not think that makes your presence here not valuable. Every moment you stay here is another moment Snoke is distracted and the Order is without one of its leaders. And you of all people should know that a single weakness can destroy the mightiest of forces.”

The famous tale of Luke destroying the Death Star immediately came to mind, and inwardly he flinched. A sharp tongue and wit had always been in his mother’s repertoire, and she had hardly softened with age.

“Leave me,” he commanded, turning his dark head away to stare off at the wall. “I will not listen to your prattle any longer.”

“You don’t give the orders here,” she said softly. “I am your mother, and I will always be your mother.”

He turned his piercing glare back at her. “I have no mother, and I am not your son. That boy is dead.”

She shook her head, most likely unable to respond. For a moment his heart ached, and as the door slid shut behind her he was seized with pain.

He clutched his chest and grit his teeth, curses swarming his mind. Damn her. Damn her! She caused this pain, and he would always hate her for it.

He was still in pain when Rey came, and it was embarrassingly clear that she could feel his unrest.

“Ren, what’s wrong?” She asked, dropping to her knees. He murmured a curse out loud and turned his face away from her. His weakness, on display. Damn his mother to hell.

“You’re shaking,” she noticed and laid a hand on him. For some reason the pain increased.

“I cannot take this pain,” he muttered. “I am being torn apart.”

With that she pried one of his hands away and held it in her own. “Let go, Ren. Breathe in and let go. Look at me.”

Blindly he obeyed, and inch by inch, the pain faded. Slowly, but it was there. She stared hard into his eyes, clutching his hand, and he eventually reached up the other to bring her face close to his. Their lips met and the pain was gone, shed off like a dark skin. Their lips parted briefly and he was able to take a breath without pain that cleared his mind.

Rey’s heart shaped face and large, searching eyes gave her appearance the innocence of a child. How beautiful she was, how expressive she could be. She was guarded, but not afraid. She could be sweet and full of joy one moment, then fierce and strong the next. And this galaxy of a girl loved him.

He leaned against her, almost weak. “How I love you,” he said tiredly.

She swung her face down to meet his eyes again, surprised. She always was when he said something so saccharine.

“Lay down,” she ordered. He scoffed and sat off her, as if he was fine. But the eyes of a hawk never betrayed her.

“Come on, don’t be stupid.”

She tugged him down to his sleeping cot—one he resented for its similarity to the ones he napped on in meeting rooms as a child—and let her drape herself partially over him. Her weight was a comfort and a welcome change to the usual way he laid: alone.

Their fingers braided together—her doing, for once—and she pulled the blanket over their intertwined bodies.

“Wait, can’t you not-“

“It’s fine,” she interrupted. “No one will disturb us; maybe no one will even know.”

She wasn’t the best liar, but he appreciated her efforts. “They will know how pathetic I am,” he sighed.

Her head swiveled from its place on her chest to scowl up at him. “Hush. You’ll make me mad.”

A hum escaped his lips. “Was it not you who once described herself as nobody?”

“That was different. I…I was nobody.”

“I beg to differ, scavenger.”

She sat up shortly. “Stop. You don’t understand. You’ve always _been_ somebody. A general’s son, a knight of Ren, Snoke’s apprentice. I never even knew my last name. I was a dot in the sand, just another bag of bones groveling for portions. There was never anything special about me or significant. I was just another mouth and mind. On Jakku, all you do is fight and struggle, like a bag full of sand crabs. You just claw and fight to stand on each other, reaching for the top, but no one ever gets there because they all keep pulling each other down. How could I imagine a life so drastically different? Everything other than Jakku was just rumors and legends. I never thought I’d leave there. Why would I ever be anything more than no one?”

He’d upset her. She curled her knees up and laid her head on her knees. He sat up and began rubbing her back, the ache in his chest swiftly returning.

“Rey, love…I’m sorry. I never imagined you as anything but exceptional,” he said quietly. “Are you alright?”

She nodded her head, wiping her eyes quickly. “Just a hard day.” She pushed him back down and buried her face in his chest. Ren waited, silent and tracing patterns on her smooth back.

“Will you tell me about it?” He asked. She was quiet for a moment, but then nodded, turning her head sideways to speak.

“I had a call with Luke. He told me that he's not sure he can train me after the baby is born. Before I left I was struggling in my training. I have too many…emotions. Fears and attachments. My family, fighting to live on Jakku, you…I can’t just let go and feel the Force fully. I can manipulate it, but it’s hard to sense it and harness it purposefully.”

A low chuckle came from deep in Ren’s chest. “I had a similar problem.”

She raised her head and looked at him, but he didn’t look at her, knowing what she’d ask.

“What did you do?”

His dark eyes flashed to her hazel ones briefly. “I learned the ways of the dark side, where your emotions only serve as gateways for accessing the Force.”

She frowned. “But then you are unbalanced, and you’d have to have such extreme emotions to harness the Force through that.”

“It is more powerful than any other way.”

“That’s arguable.”

They fell into silence, but soon enough Rey brushed her lips against his neck. “Thank you for asking.”

He shrugged, not knowing how to put what he felt into words. But maybe she’d feel it.

He was ready to simply drift off into thought, but she was suddenly distracting him with her lips. They had touched his neck affectionately, but then continued their ministrations. This wasn’t unfamiliar territory, but her actions suggested something that he thought was off limits.

Still, he wasn’t one to turn her away. He craved her. Her touch, her love. Affection, attention. Memories haunted his dreams, and he drank in every embrace like fresh air. But he couldn’t push it too hard—she would pull away too soon.

He pulled her a little closer, slipping his hand around her waist. His lips have disappeared into her hair, and surprisingly she responds by nuzzling into his neck. It was so tender, so sweet. Gods, he loved her.

Ren couldn’t control himself then, turning on his side and leaning down to kiss her. It started firm and short, his tongue tight against the back of his teeth in need. Firm, but brief. But they both met each other halfway, beginning a more passionate kiss. There was a moment of tension in her before she let go and responded fully to him.

“Come here,” she murmured to him, her firm, strong thighs beginning to curve around him. He moved quickly over her, but her hand on his chest made him pause as she tugged the blanket over them.

He quirked an eyebrow at her. “Daring, or modest?” He asked, wondering if she really meant to do what he so badly wanted. She rolled her eyes a bit and tugged him roughly to her. She seized control despite his body hovering over hers, lips kissing him forcefully. Her hands clutched him close and his head was both silent and loud, a constant scream of want.

His hand began a hurried search, hopeful and ready to touch. Under her shirt he ran his hand up her tan skin, reveling in its softness until he reached the soft peak of her breast. Her fingers tightened in his hair and dug into his skin.

“Let me,” he breathed, finally voicing his desire. “God damn it Rey, let me.”

She swallowed, features conflicted for a moment. But then she nodded, determined.

“Just keep the blanket over us, for God’s sake. My hormones have been driving me crazy for you.”

He smiled a little at that and quickly went to discreetly ripping off his clothes. He got his shirt off and began on his pants before he noticed her beneath him, shirt shimmied off and trousers pushed away. Almost completely bare.

His hardness pressed into the soft material of her underwear, and within a moment his fingers were pushing it aside to touch her. She squirmed but quickly shoved down his undergarments much faster than he’d expected, and she was so impatient that she began tugging down her own afterward.

But he was much faster, ripping the material from her hips until it tore away.

“Ren!” She protested, but he silenced her with a kiss. His fingers pressed into her hips and ground against her. Rey groaned a bit into his lips, already irritated from the time he had made her wait.

“Now?” He asked, checking again to see if she was sure.

“Now,” she answered, locking her legs around his hips, trying not to jostle their covering.

He carefully pushed into her, enthralled and overcome by the familiar stretch of her, warm and tight. Even better was her quiet gasp and then sigh of satisfaction when he finally reached deep inside her. They held each other for a moment, and Ren suddenly noticed that she was trembling. With pleasure? Anticipation? Emotion?

She nudged her hips against his to urge him on and he snapped out of his thoughts. He began moving, unsteady at first. But soon they fell into an old, familiar rhythm of back and forth, in and out. The harder he went, the faster she raised her hips to meet him, unwilling to let him fully withdraw. But their usual rhythm wasn’t enough, not even close. She gripped him and he was already slick with sweat as their skin rubbed together deliciously. He didn’t want to hurt her, didn’t want their first joining after so long to be short and unpleasant for her. He counted the strokes in his head, trying to focus and hold himself back. But she only let him wait so long until her hands grabbed his face and forced their eyes to meet.

“More. Don’t hold back.” She panted. Whatever expression he wore made her soften, and she said, “I love you.”

Startled by her ready admission, he kissed her more tenderly than before, no longer paying his entire mind to the desire within him. Warmth bloomed in his empty chest and he felt her slim, calloused fingers caress his cheeks and jaw. They parted for breath and after a moment of locked eyes, he complied to her order.

Hard, fast, and erratic. Almost complete desire drove him, only the sight of her compelling enough to evoke echoes of tenderness within him. She closed her eyes in pleasure as if, like him, she was relieved of some of the tension and pressure that had been felt. Finally, relief with every deep stroke.

His hands pushed her hips forward more, forcing her legs to hitch higher on his back. She held onto him and bared her teeth, head tipped back and breasts heaving with their movements and her breath. Like cutting a row of string, Ren was beginning to unravel.

“Love,” he gasped, and her eyes snapped open. “I can’t.”

She nodded the slightest bit as he finally he began to feel the clench of her, pulsing around him, a sure signal of her climax. Harder and harder he went, rocking them again and again into the thin mat that had never known such passion. Suddenly everything tightened: her arms, her innermost walls, even her legs as if to pull him closer. She was racked with her orgasm, and he finally was able to let go, his muscles tensing against convulsions, creating thin tremors all over his body. It had been so long since anything had felt so good, so pure. Like his soul was soothed. He stared deeply at her as he tried to focus his vision and catch his breath, trying to memorize her face like this. When her eyes finally met his she smiled.

“Not too rusty,” she exhaled. He felt a real, true smile spread across his face. Delighted by this, she planted a kiss on his damp cheek.

Suddenly remembering their situation, he carefully removed himself from her while struggling to keep her covered. Placing his hand under the small of her back, he lifted her up against him as he sat up to ensure that she was not to be seen by any camera. Or anyone else but him.

He held her close and reached for her shirt, which she hastily put on. He sat her down and spread the blanket between their two laps so he could tug on his pants. She was a bit slower now, and he realized why when he saw that her scowl was directed a torn piece of white fabric.

“I have a limited number of these, you know,” she remarked. Pompously, he shrugged.

“Go without. Faster that way.”

Her mouth formed an O and her eyes narrowed. But he leaned forward and brushed his fingers against her cheek as a sort of apology.

She slid on her pants under the blanket, and suddenly there was an awkward moment of hesitation. They were separated, and neither wanted to be the first to go to the other. But finally Ren reached out his hand, extending his fingertips to her.

Rey slid into his grasp and they laid down together, entertaining completely. There was such a peace, a lull in stress and tension. Sated, relaxed and content, both fell asleep fast, her hand disappearing into his.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short one, but an important one. Thanks for all the comments!

**Rey**

Rey’s eyes flashed open.

She was warm and her body relaxed, as if there was no danger. As if she hadn’t just slept with Ren in his cell, half naked, for anyone to see.

“Oh shit,” she whispered. Ren stirred as she froze, his arm tightening around her waist. His warm breath was on the nape of her neck.

“Oh shit!” Rey repeated, sliding out from Ren’s arm and tugging on her pants. Where was her ruined underwear?

Ren didn’t like to be woken up, ever. He liked it even less when he woke up and she wasn’t there. So she picked the lesser of two evils and shook him awake.

“Ren,” she tried. His eyelids twitched and he groaned. “Ren!”

Finally his eyes slit open to reveal dark pupils. “What?”

Rey had a flash of memory. The last time she had woken him up this panicked, she had thought she was going to get pregnant. Now she was.

“I slept here all night,” she babbled. “I must have missed the start of work. There’s no way no one noticed—“

Ren sat up, white chest flexing as he placed his hand on her cheek. “Easy. Do you even know what time it is?”

“No,” She said, fighting back the stupid tears that accompanied her hormone encouraged fear. “I just haven’t been sleeping well and I always sleep better with you so I must have just—“

“Rey, Rey, Rey,” Ren hushed. “Take a breath.” He was starting to look alarmed, his mouth a little too thin.

She did take a breath and he pulled back the covers to grab her boots. Taking her foot, he swung it into his lap and began lacing up her boots for her.

“Relax. You’re going to go to work. Tell them you felt sick. Then go see my—I mean, Leia Organa. See if she knows. And while you’re there, tell her I need to see her.”

Rey had calmed herself down and nodded. She put her head in her hands and groaned. “Damn it. I feel so stupid.”

Ren kissed her shoulder. “I think it was well worth it,” he murmured slyly, and inwardly Rey couldn’t help but agree. The baby was nothing but a speck, but her body was definitely different. She had never felt more horny in her whole life. And to be around Ren day after day, it was hard. It was so irritating. She had never felt desire like this on Jakku, except maybe for a meal.

Speaking of, she was starving. It had to be past ten, because Ren’s first meal had been delivered.

“Eat something before you go,” he ordered.

“I’m fine,” she said.

“Don’t lie,” He growled, staring her down until she stuffed some bread in her mouth and used her thumbprint to breeze out the door.

Rey hurried to her room and put on her mechanic’s overalls. They were bulky and big enough to house her even when her belly got bigger. And hide it. She jogged then to her hangar, ignoring the stares until she saw, to her surprise, Finn. He was talking to her boss, and when he spotted her his shoulders sagged with relief.

“Rey! There you are.”

She tried so hard not to flush red. “Hey. What are you doing here?” Finn worked in the kitchen—he was actually really good at it.

“Looking for you since you didn’t show to breakfast.” He gave her a meaningful look. “And I know you would _never_ miss breakfast.”

She caught his meaning and frowned at him. “Well, I felt sick.”

Finn stared at her. He knew that her morning sickness had started to taper off now that she was almost three months. And he knew that Rey never let that stop her from anything. Her whole pregnancy she had just puked, rinsed out her mouth and kept going. Her policy was to keep moving and avoid focusing on the naseua.

“Well I’m glad you’re feeling better,” said her boss. She was a short, blond woman. “We need your help on A-27.”

“I’ll get on it,” Rey said gratefully. “See ya Finn.”

She strode off quite purposefully, but Finn’s longer legs caught up with her.

“Rey! Stop, I wanna talk to you.”

“C’mon, Finn,” she said lowly. “You know where I was.”

Finn grabbed her arm and forced her to stop. “No, I didn’t. I didn’t think you were that dumb, Rey. How much longer do you think you can keep this up?”

By this, he meant her charade. Almost no one knew about her pregnancy, and even fewer knew about her relationship with Ren. Leia and her had agreed that it was best to keep it all quiet—Leia didn’t want Rey to suffer any backlash, and Rey didn’t want any questions about her pregnancy. So far she had kept her secret well, but she knew it all wouldn’t keep forever. Especially if the guards had noticed that she had stayed all night with Ren.

“I just need to keep it up a little longer, until his trial,” Rey said softly. “Then he’ll be gone.”

She fully expected Ren to be exiled to another, more secure prison. At least, until a bargain was made. Ren was too strong a political piece to be killed. Rumor was that the First Order had another major weapon in the works—and Rey suspected that the Resistance was trying to avoid another Starkiller.

Finn stared at her reproachfully. “You don’t know that,” he said. “You should be prepared if he’s sentenced—“

“No,” Rey interrupted firmly. “He won’t be.”

That was something she refused to think about. Her hand rested on her stomach automatically.

Finn followed her hand and sighed. “Just be careful, peanut.”

She nodded, and set her mouth into a line. “I’m fine. Don’t worry.”

~

She worked until finish and then had dinner. She knew Ren was waiting for her, but she needed to talk to Leia.

The older woman answered the door in simple clothes, clearly having changed from her more official garb.

“Rey! Come in,” she said warmly. Rey stepped into the more spacious apartment and went to sit down. Her feet were killing her.

“How are things?” Leia asked, sitting down across from her. The general’s long hair was done in a simple twist in the back of her head, making her look elegant somehow even in the normal clothes.

“Fine,” Rey said, tracing the thread on the couch. Leia took out her tablet and began flipping through messages. She was a multitasker.

“And how is my son?”

Rey felt her ears warm. “Restless,” she said. “But fine.”

She caught a trace of sadness on Leia’s face. Usually Ren wouldn’t talk to her anymore. But now…

“He wants to see you,” Rey said.

Leia’s dark eyes caught hers in an impenetrable gaze, as if she was testing to see if Rey was joking.

“Why?” She said carefully.

Rey worried her lip between her teeth. “I don’t know. He just asked me to tell you.”

Leia raised an eyebrow and began scrolling through her datapad again. “Could it possibly be about last night?”

Rey’s entire face felt like it went up in flames. “What do you mean?” she tried.

Leia gave Rey a look. “I know you spent the night there. Among other things. It was all over my messages this morning from the guards.”

Surely her face was bright red. “I’m sorry,” she blurted out. “I just—my hormones have been driving me crazy—and I haven’t been sleeping well—and Ren, I just, it’s easier to sleep with him there—“

“Alright, alright. I understand.” Leia said firmly, and Rey examined her face. She realized she really did understand, for there was sympathy in her eyes.

“This is hard on you,” Leia said kindly and Rey swallowed through her thick throat.

“Yes,” she mumbled. “But at least he’s here.”

Leia’s eyes were sad. “Yes,” she agreed. “At least he’s here.”

For a moment there was silence, and then Leia began tapping at the datapad.

“I’m going to clear you for nights,” she said. “Because I trust you. But please remember there are cameras.”

Rey was filled with embarrassment and gratitude. “Thank you. Trust me, I know.”

Leia gave her a funny little smile. “My son is more like his father than he knows,” she muttered.

For a moment, Rey was confused. But then understanding swelled and she was embarrassed again.

“Well, I better get going. Will you see him?”

Leia nodded absently. “Tomorrow.”

Rey beamed. Deep, deep down she hoped Ren would come around. She felt like his relationship with Leia was much stronger than his with Han. Maybe something would come out of it. Maybe.

~

**Ren**

Rey was allowed to stay the night with him. Although the bed was too small, they managed by having her draped across his chest. He slept even better than the night before, knowing she could be here with him. But he refused to be grateful to his mother. This was how it should have been from the beginning.

When Rey kissed him goodbye the next morning, she seemed more relaxed. He was glad, for she was growing bigger now, and the stress of being pregnant seemed to wear on her a bit. She slept so deeply now that she snored, and complained about her back and breasts and feet hurting.

Almost as soon as she was gone, his mother arrived. Ren cursed her internally as soon as she got there, for he was eating and did not want her to see him like that. He wanted to always appear like a pillar of strength.

She sat down at the table across from him as he pushed the bowl of gruel to the side and crossed his arms. He noticed she took care in sitting, as if her joints or back were hurting her. With a strange stab, he realized his mother, once so vibrant and beautiful, had gotten much older.

Neither of his parents had aged too badly. But in the careful movements, Ren truly saw how long it had been. The last time he had truly saw her before he had left, she had a long dark plait of hair and her skin was barely marked.

“Rey said you wanted to see me,” Leia said. She gazed at him almost with disinterest, and that too hurt.

“I needed to speak with you about her,” he said lowly, biting his tongue in an effort to keep himself calm.

Leia raised an elegant brow at him. “Does she know that?”

He shook his head, and she looked at him thoughtfully.

He began tapping his fingers against the metal table. “I know I won’t be here for long. I know you plan to have me traded back for the cease of work on the Eviscerater.”

Leia leaned forward. “That may be in the works.”

Ren waved his hand. “I know this. And I’m willing to do it. But I must ask two things of you.” He paused. “I’m willing to exchange information for it.”

The General was alive then, eyes lighting up. Greedy woman, he thought with disgust.

“What do you want?” She asked.

He licked his lips, pausing for a moment so his voice was calm. “First, I want to be here when the baby is born. I will arrive when she begins going into labor, and leave after I see her safe and meet my child.”

Leia looked a little surprised, but quickly wiped the expression from her face. “And the second?”

Ren curled his hands into fists, the nails digging into his palms. “I want them both kept safe. Highest priority. I want you to find somewhere they can live where no one can find them.”

Now, Leia could not keep the shock from her features. “Why don’t you find them a place?” She asked.

He shook his head. “I cannot know,” he said softly. “It will be revealed to…to others if I know.”

Understanding bloomed and Leia reached for his hand. For a moment, he waited, wondering if her hands were still soft. But then he pulled them away before she could touch him.

Hurt spread all over her face and Ren looked away. Finally, she cleared her throat.

“Are you sure you want this, Ben?”

He hesitated, then nodded. “Yes. And she cannot know.”

“And you expect her to just do this blindly?”

Unwillingly a smile played on his lips. “Of course not. But she will see. She would do anything to keep our child safe.”

Leia nodded, eyes rapt until he tucked away his smile.

“You really love her,” Leia stated.

For a moment, there was silence. Ren didn’t want to answer her, expose his weakness. But somehow, the words left his mouth.

“Yes, I do.”

They gazed at each other; him, a challenge, her, with concern.

“Will you do it?” He asked. Anything to break the silence.

“I will,” Leia said quietly. “And I will need no information from you to do it.”

She stood and for some reason, he felt like reaching out to her, pressing his dark head against her soft middle. Closing his eyes and letting go of everything.

_Weak._

He stiffened and inwardly cursed. Brow furrowed, he ground out, “Good,” and she left.

He laid back down on his bed and tried to relax. Rey was safe. His child was safe. But they would not be his any longer.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, an update! I hit major roadblock with this chapter and went on spring break, but finally was able to crank this out today. Hope it's worth the wait. Anyways, we are headed for a bit of a time skip after this, so keep that in mind for the next chapter! Please please please leave comments, they fuel my fickle writing fire.

**Ren**

She grew bigger, and even more lovely. Like a beautiful tiger lily, her nose sprinkled with the freckles he loved, she was irresistible. Somehow her hair was more lustreous, her skin more radient. And the smell of her, _gods._ She was intoxicating. He slept during the day so he could be awake with her when she laid with him at night. She slept—soundly—but he would stay awake, holding her, stroking her back. Basking in her scent.

He knew he was a fool. But he was hers, unreluctantly. He rubbed her sore, swollen feet. He pleasured her beneath his thin blanket when she became overwhelmed with need. He did everything he could, because she was so perfect, so lovely, and she was carrying a child— _their_ child—inside her.

“I’m so huge,” she sighed one night as they barely squeezed onto his small bunk. He kissed her jaw.

“You are beautiful. It pleases me to see you like this.”

She rolled her eyes at him. “That’s because you’re the father.”

“No,” he disagreed. “Because you look healthy. Beautiful. Although it does please me to see you round with my child.”

She let out an exaggerated disgusted sound, but he knew she didn’t mean it. Her fingers laced with his, and he felt her fear grow, dimming the others.

“Promise me again,” she said quietly. “Please.”

He swallowed hard, but worked to keep his emotions calm and steady.

“I promise I’ll be there,” he murmured. “I promise I won’t leave you alone.”

A long sigh fell from her lips, and he watched her hazel eyes close. He did not mean to lie to her. But he loved her too much not to.

Leia Organa and him had reached a sort of truce with their last conversation, and he did not see her often now. But Rey had told him, in a surprised tone, that Leia had been working hard for him to be released back to the First Order.

“Then I will be free of tis cell,” he told her. Her face had crumpled a little, and he had hurried to reassure her. He had to be more careful with his words.

Within a few weeks of Rey’s fifth month, a meeting was set up. Ren was led, in handcuffs, to the place. A first order correspondent had arrived with Hux’s final offer.

A tall woman with stark white hair, cut short, stood before him, the council, Rey, and his mother. Ren was confident as she read out the long, layered conditions. Finally, she came to what they all were holding their breath for.

“The First Order will cease work immediately on the _Eviscerator_ upon the arrival of Commander Kylo Ren.”

A small cheer went up, but Leia, Rey, and Ren all stayed silent. Ren fought down his feeling of relief, while Rey was awash with it. Leia too seemed relieved but more subdued, her brow creased. Ren suspected that she was already planning on how to turn this into an even bigger victory for the Resistance. She loved an opportunity, just couldn’t leave it alone.

He held back a scoff as he turned his gaze away from his mother.

She didn’t feel any relief for him, surely. What he sensed was merely the sweetness of victory for the general.

Only his Rey looked to him, felt for him. She was across the room, silent but buzzing with energy. He could feel her gaze, but did not turn to her. He must not reveal her child’s patronage to anyone who did not know. She needed to be kept safe.

He was led back to his cell for a discussion of exactly when this was all to happen was about to take place. Rey was also excused, and he sensed her teeming urgency and knew she would come to him.

Surprisingly, she did not until late. She opened the door and went straight for his arms, burying her face into his shoulder.

“Two days. Only two days,” she whispered. She let down her guard purposefully, and he felt her great sorrow and fear. He didn’t like it. His normally fearless love was trembling in his arms.

“Why are you so afraid?” He finally asked, sitting down and drawing her into his lap. Her large belly settled in between them. Night after night of promises and restless nights had worried him.

She worried her lip between her teeth. “I keep having these dreams,” she confessed.

Immediately his hands came to rest on her stomach. “About the baby?”

She shook her head and he relaxed. Thank the gods.

“About you,” she whispered. “You are leaving, forever. And you’re so dark, and there’s blood and I can feel myself screaming…”

“Shh,” he murmured, pressing her head back to his shoulder, for her breath had began to hitch. He was confused. What she had forseen was not his plan. She was not to know until he left, and the blood…”

“Were you still pregnant?”

“No,” she replied. “I’m almost positive. But there was something wrong with me, I felt weak.”

Ren tried not to let frustration at his fear rise. “I wouldn’t leave you, especially if you were hurt.”

“I know, but this is a premonition. Luke told me so.”

Ren drew back, nudging her from his shoulder so he could look at her. “You told Luke about the dreams, but not me?”

Her brow drew together and she frowned. “I just…I didn’t want you to know.”

“Why?”

She wouldn’t tell him.

“Rey.”

She shook her head.

Anger rose. “Rey…My love,” he ground out. “You would keep something so important from me? And now you won’t tell me why? You tell the man whom you know I—“

“Stop,” she inturruted, and slid off his lap to stand before him. “I’m not going to play by your silly rules and ignore everyone you hate. And I have a right to keep things to myself.”

He stood too. “This is our future!” He growled. “How am I supposed to protect you if you refuse to tell me what’s going on!”

Her eyes snapped green as she leaned forward. “Like you have been so honest? You hide your feelings from me all the time, and I know, _I know_ you and Leia talked yet you never told me what it was about.”

Ren ran a hand through his dark, wild hair. “So this is just revenge then?”

She looked mad enough to slap him, but her hand only clenched. “You know I am not so petty. Why would I do that? I love you.”

He shrugged, too mad to reply. She made too much sense.

“Then why, Rey? Why not tell me?”

She was silent for a moment, her head ducked down. Tendrils of loose hair hid bits of her face while her lids shadowed her eyes. Finally, she swallowed and said; “I didn’t want to repeat history.”

He tilted his head, confused. The fight left him in one smooth slip.

“What do you mean?”

She fixed her mouth and dared to look at him straightly. “I didn’t want what happened to your grandparents to happen to us.”

Ren stared at her, the thought forming in his mind. Then he stumbled back and sat down on the bed.

Of course. She believed what Luke had told her of Darth Vader’s turn to the darkside. That he had been driven by dreams of Padme dying to seek out the ways of the dark side in order to save her. Which had, of course, only worked to fulfill his own dreams when she died of a broken heart when she realized he had turned to the darkside. Rey thought the dreams would push Ren farther into the darkside. Possibly causing them to be fulfilled.

“Rey,” he said gently, “Those are just stories. Grandfather did not go down the path of the dark because of a bad dream.”

Rey frowned at him. “A prophetic dream.”

Ren shook his head. “Besides, I am already part of the dark side.”

Rey bit her lip and shifted, one hand curving to the round of her belly.

“Fine, Ren,” she said stiffly. “I told you now, and you have your answer. Are you happy?”

He knew something was off—was she angry?—But he was clueless to what it could be.

“Rey—“

“No.” She said shortly. “Go back to the _Finalizer_ or wherever your knights hide out and have fun killing people and being a part of the dark side. When you decide that you want to be a real man who has a child, come back to me.”

Ah, the old you-have-light-in-you fight. It never got old.

“Sweetheart,” Ren baited. Perhaps he could charm her out being angry. “You know there is nothing more important to me than you and our child.”

Rey marched over to him and placed his hand on her stomach. “Prove it. Don’t leave me.”

He sighed and tried to kiss her, but she jerked her chin away. “I have to return to the First Order. Then you all will get your little deal. I promise I will return. When have I lied to you about that?”

She shrugged. “I just feel like you are leaving me,” she said. “I don’t know why, but I _feel_ it.”

Damn it. Damn it, damn her, and damn his mother most of all. Didn’t she know how to guard her feelings? Or maybe he and Rey were just too close…

“Rey, I love you. I will always protect you, love you. Don’t you know that?”

She didn’t argue with him anymore that she didn’t need to be protected—she knew that his desire would never be tampered. She took his hand that lay on her stomach and held it to her warm cheek, so much softer and warmer than his hand.

“I know,” she replied softly. “I know.”

Calm threaded through the air between them, and suddenly Ren had a wicked idea.

“Let me prove it,” he murmured. Her eyes, half closed, opened just to meet his with curiosity.

“What?” She said.

He bent down to kiss her neck and she gave a little laugh.

“Ren, come on.”

He had pleasured her beneath the covers, in the darkness with his hands and mouth whenever she had a craving for his touch, and she sometimes reciprocated if he let her. But they had not made love for months now, not since they first had in this cell.

“I’m serious,” he whispered. “Break the cameras. We can block the door. What are they going to do? I leave in two days.”

He wanted her one last time. He wouldn’t be able to ever again. The thought made his heart ache for their closeness, their bodies tightly bonded and connected with their minds.

She looked hesitant, running her hands over her thick shoulders and arms as she considered it.

“Make it worth the trouble I’m going to get in,” she said, and he grinned manically. They kissed, long and hard.

“That’s my girl,” he murmured before she reached her hand out. He wished he could use the Force, watching and listening as each corner camera broke with a shatter of glass within the wall. The door thunked with a loud click as Rey locked the door and broke its inner mechanisms.

Finally she turned to him.

“Love me,” she said simply, and he swept her into his arms.

They undressed, and played with each other until they both panted with desire, which didn’t take long. Soon enough, he was inside her.

He loved to see her on top of him. Her expressions, her body moving in connection to his, it was all so lovely. Almost graceful. She’d hold his hands for balance and for connection then, her small breathy sounds echoed by the light squeezes of her hands. She liked to be in charge, liked to be able to control exactly where he hit. Gravity worked it’s wonders in that position, forcing him as deep inside as he could get. She’d sway her hips experimentally, locking eyes with him to see if he liked it; she seemed ignorant to the fact that she felt incredible every which way. He liked to watch her get close, face almost concentrating yet barely containable. How she lightly tipped her head back and closed her eyes in bliss. It was that that he waited for, pushing him over the edge as well.

But today they both seemed to want more. His muscles ached and twitched with want. She seemed faintly irate, pushing against him with unspeakable need. Grabbing her waist, now swelled with their child, he kept her close and sat up while still inside her to give her more stability and so he could kiss her. When they lost their breath he attacked her neck, a sensitive place for her. She tightened upon feeling his caresses and wrapped her arms around him even more. When he ran his hands down her slim back she squirmed.

“Ren,” She breathed. “More.”

God, yes. He wanted to give her more. He wanted to make her explode, basking in his adoration. But how? He was desperate to satisfy her.

“Wrap your legs around me,” he murmured in her ear. Once she complied, he lifted them both up, struggling to his feet. He almost slipped out of her warmth, and she whimpered. Glancing at her face, she looked horribly embarrassed at the vulnerable sound. Kissing her cheek assuredly, he pressed her back up against the wall and adjusted them both to the right angle around her stomach. Her eyes were wide, surprised and curious, but soon clouded with his first thrust.

“Shit,” he swore, unable to hold back his voice. He began to go harder, deeper, finally relieving some of the ache in his groin. “Tell me…if I’m too…rough.”

She shook her head, breathing in sharply with each thrust. “No…it feels good…harder…”

They kissed ferociously, both finally beginning to express the want they felt. Ren did as she asked, moving and angling her to try and find the best spot. When she cried out, he grinned, proud of that sound.

“There…Ren, there!” She said and he soothed her with a few kisses to her throat. She felt amazing, and with one hand he squeezed the soft flesh of her behind where he held her. She buried her face in his neck as her nails scratched up and down his back. The small irritation was nothing, only adding fuel to the fire as he pounded into her.

He tried to pull her back as he felt her tighten around him. She was close, and he wanted to see her. She looked into his eyes and her lips moved soundlessly until he kissed the edge of her mouth.

“Ren…Oh, Ren…”

“I love you,” he whispered before kissing her fully. It didn’t laugh long as she inhaled sharply and arched her back, making a strangled sound and gripping him tightly. He followed her quickly, groaning loudly. He had been holding back for some time.

After they both climbed down, he made sure to hold her close as he shifted her whole weight back and then gently laid her down on the bed. She looked a bit dazed but happy, which calmed his erratic heartbeat. After they separated he flopped down next to her, drawing her close again as he missed the warmth of her skin.

“That was great,” she sighed happily. “Did you like it?”

He scoffed, a smile appearing. “It was great. Fantastic, really.”

She snuggled into him, and he turned to really hold her tight against him. She once told him that she liked to be held tightly, like he didn’t want to let her go. It felt safe and secure to her.

If only she knew how much he wanted her, there in his arms, always.

She turned her face up to him, beaming. “I don’t think it’s ever been like that before. Something felt different.”

He nodded, gazing at her devotedly. He didn’t want to tell her what was different. He began kissing her face all around, his heart full and taut as if it would burst. “You’re beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,” he murmured.

She laughed and pushed him away a bit. “Stop,” she ordered. “You’re so strange.”

“Or I just love you.”

Her large eyes glanced up, searching. She bit her lip and he wondered why she always looked at him like she was unsure if he was genuine. It would have insulted him, but he knew it was her own hesitancy. She was afraid of trusting him. He told himself again that he was lucky she trusted him enough to give him at least some of her love.

She lowered her hazel gaze and laid her head back down on his chest. “I love you too,” she murmured.

~

The day came for when he was to be brought to the neutral meeting place. Just before he was to be taken, he was allowed a moment alone with Rey. She didn’t beat around the bush, locking eyes with him immediately.

“Stay with me.”

He was startled by his own hope, something he had felt so often in Rey. It soon seeped into his mind that she had asked him to come with her. Again. Come and be with her and their child. Like a family.

At first he saw the image as pure light and desire, but it turned dark quickly as his memories of his own parents flashed in his mind. His parents, as “good” as they were, had scarred him. Created a monster. What kind of parent would he be? Unable to control himself, his emotions. Always pulled to the dark. Disliked by almost everyone. No. He couldn’t go with his love, or their child. No, he would keep himself far, where he wouldn’t hurt either. The power called to him still, the want to control and set things right.

He saw in her eyes that she could sense his pain, and hurt flashed across her sweet features. He yearned to give her what she so desired, but inside he felt the ugliness rear, the darkness screamed. Ren felt like screaming, he knew that inside the darkness was what controlled him. It had made him hit Rey, and lash out when he was angry. He craved power, and he craved what Snoke promised him: balance. He would be strong, and would have peace across the galaxy and within himself. She didn’t understand that this was the only way.

“I can’t.” He said hoarsely, briefly turning his head away. For a moment, she looked in complete despair, and a tear slid down her cheek. Then she shook her head, head bowing to hide her sorrow.

“I need you,” she whispered, and he turned to stare at her in shock. She never said that before.

“Rey…” He replied, crushing her to him. “I want to be with you. I want to give you everything. But…”

He was afraid. So was she. She didn’t want to do this on her own. She shouldn’t have to; it was unfair.

“I’ll be there,” he promised. “When it’s time. I’ll be there to help you. You know I will be.”

He felt her swallow back tears. “Do you promise?” She asked, muffled.

“I swear it,” he replied. “When it’s almost time, Leia will tell me where you are and I will be ready.”

She pushed herself away from him to stare up at him. “And after? Will you leave me alone to raise our child?”

He swallowed and it took everything in him not to let her see.

“After,” he managed. “We will figure it out. I won’t leave you alone.”

~

As he departed, he felt her push out a thought, a feeling from her.

 _Ren,_ she said. _The baby just kicked._

He had to swallow back the choking feeling in his throat. Already he was missing everything.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! We jump a bit in this chapter forward to Rey's eighth month. I hope you enjoy! I've gotten a lot of questions in the last couple chapters, so I'll answer them at the bottom. Please always feel free to ask or comment! Thank you~

**Ren**

It only took three days for his master to summon him. He did nothing of substance for those days after he was returned to the _Finalizer._ Even Hux did not bother him—a miracle.

He did not train. He did not enjoy his freedom in the world he had almost forgotten. He sat in his rooms, and when things got bad, he thought of Rey.

Her hands were quick and skilled, only clumsy when she deeply unsure. She was direct and genuine. She could be embarrassed if he spoke too intensely about his love for her, but he did not care. She had a lack of tenderness-not from character, but because the only love she had ever experienced was the want of it.

There was nothing more intimate than holding her hand. She didn't let him do it often, sometimes only when they slept. When he had bowed with weakness and fear, she put her hands in his, not even flinching when his knuckles went white holding hers.

But it was all gone now.

It comforted him the littlest bit that he would see her again. But his arms were empty at night. He woke up again and again, his pale arms stretched out, reaching. For nothing. There was nothing.

When his master called for him, Ren realized that he needed to put on his mask. It would be the first time in months.

It smelled strangely, like disinfectant. His breath felt too warm and he was grasped by the desire to pull it _off_. He didn't have enough energy to damn himself for his newest weakness.

"Master," he said once he was inside the large, dark chamber. His voice echoed off the walls and he closed his eyes briefly. _Please. Don't let him know._

"I sense an awakening in the Force," Snoke said, and Ren's skin prickled. He said nothing, only focused on his breathing. But his master's lips turned cruel.

"Did you think I wouldn't notice? Did you think that I, the Supreme Leader of the Galaxy, wouldn't feel the great stir of a child born of two great Force users?"

Ren's heart sank. "Master," he began. "I did not—"

"Do not lie to me, Kylo Ren!" Snoke boomed, leaning forward in his chair. The light lit up the good side of his master's twisted face, the warped skin softly shining. The dark, glittering eye peered out at him.

"You have failed me by forsaking your training."

Maybe Snoke wouldn't do anything. "I'm sorry, Master. I have been weak."

"Yes." Snoke leaned back, and his hand reached out. For a moment, there was nothing. And then, there was only pain.

Blinding, stabbing, twisting, burning. Ren fell to his knees, but did not cry out. He knew better. His back bent into a C, and he bit back a howl.

Over it all Snoke's voice rang among the hallowed hall.

"You are nothing! You try and hide things from me, but I know your mind. I made you, and I know everything that you are. You are _mine."_

"Yes master," Ren gasped out, his hands curling into fists.

The pain began to ebb away, and soon there was only his own heavy breathing.

"You intend to return to the girl," Snoke said.

Damn it. Damn it all. Ren had never felt so worthless; he couldn't protect his mind at all. He couldn't protect Rey.

"Yes, master," he admitted. His eyes sank closed and his head bowed.

"Good…good."

Ren looked up at the creature before him, and waited with a held breath.

"When the child is born, you will bring it to me."

It was as if he was suddenly at the top of a cliff, and then pushed off. Falling, falling, falling down into the deep, dark, pain. A pain greater than anything he had ever felt before.

A storm stole his breath, a saber cut into his brain. "No, master!" He cried out.

Snoke sat up straight, his eye shimmering and glaring down at his apprentice.

"No?" He asked. " _NO?"_

"Please, master," Ren begged. "My child…it must stay with it's mother. Please."

He could barely get the words out. He could barely contain himself. He was vibrating, ready to howl and beat against the ground. He could see it in his mind, Rey sobbing, holding onto their small, precious child as Snoke stood before them.

_No._

Ren looked up at his master, and for the first time, he hated him.

Snoke scoffed and waved his gaunt claw. "You may bring her along. You want her; fine. If she cannot be turned, then she is no longer of any use to me."

No, no, NO.

Ren hesitated, then stood on shaking legs. He clenched his fists and swallowed.

"Please, master. I'll do anything. Anything but that."

Snoke hummed. "You make me question your loyalty, Kylo Ren." For a moment, he was silent. But then, his crooked lips lifted.

"Anything, you say?"

**Rey**

She ran a small, toy speeder over the mound of her stomach. She imagined driving fast with a child tightly wrapped and pressed against her chest. Small and safe, her child would learn the feeling of flying over the dunes.

A knock at her door startled her, and she sat up. "Come in," she called, the little toy falling into the blanket.

The door slid open to reveal Leia, accompanied by yet another bag.

"Rey," Leia greeted with a smile."

"Tell me you haven't bought more stuff for the baby," Rey said with a smile. Leia was already an indulgent grandmother, having procured toys and clothes for the unborn child. They lay in piles in Rey's small room.

"No, no. This isn't from me this time." Leia gingerly placed the bag on Rey's bed. Rey reached for it.

"Who from, then?" Rey asked with the bag in her lap.

Leia smiled. "Han."

Rey beamed. "He's here?"

Leia nodded. "He and Chewie stopped by. I finally got a hold of Han the other day to tell him you were pregnant. He had been in the Outer Rim for months."

Rey cocked her head. "Stopped by? You mean they already left?"

Leia nodded, sadness in her smile. "He said he would be back soon, though. He has to do one last run before he takes a break. He wants to be here when the baby is born."

Rey smiled again and ducked her head to look at her stomach. She was eight months pregnant now, and huge. She thought she had felt big before on Ren's small prison cot, but now she was so wide that she filled her own empty bed.

She had been filled with sadness and fear at Ren's release. Something, maybe her dreams, made her feel unsettled. Ren, just his force signature, had felt unsettled. But when she felt concerned about it, she remembered the feeling she felt when he had last held her in his arms. It was safety, it was love. He had made love to her with both tenderness and passion, and it had filled her with peace. She knew he loved her. She knew he loved their child. He had spoke and caressed her belly every day, laughed and dreamed with her. It was a side of him she didn't think could exist, but there it was. Sometimes she wondered if he was more ready to be a father than she was to be a mother.

She knew nothing about mothers. She couldn't remember her own. All she knew was the longing for what she saw; braided hair, forehead kisses, protective gazes. She craved that—but could she give it? She wanted to be the best mother she could be.

Thank god she had Leia. She was a mother, and she was kind. A crib had been acquired and nestled into the sunniest corner of the room and lined with soft blankets Rey didn't think existed in the crude base. Bottles were handed down to her from other mothers who noticed her growing stomach, along with packs of diapers. After Ren left, Rey focused on the baby and on her mechanic work. She was settled. She was ready.

Now, two weeks into her eighth month, she wasn't allowed to do much. She was only to supervise mechanical work a few hours a week, and to stay in bed for more time than not. So she took walks outside and visited with Finn, Poe, and Leia. But she still got lonely. And she still missed Ren.

"I wish he would've said hello," Rey said absently, stroking her belly. "It's been too long."

Leia's hand snuck onto Rey's, pausing it where it lay. "I feel that way too," she said gently. "But he'll come back. They always come back, no matter where you go or what you do."

They locked eyes, and Rey felt warm admiration radiate from her chest. Leia wasn't a woman who waited. Just because she loved Han didn't mean she pined for him. But somehow, she still let him back into her heart every time he came back.

Leia smiled and patted her hand before standing back up. "I've got to go to a meeting, but if you need me just give me a buzz."

Rey reached out and caught the woman's wrist. "Wait. Do you think…Do you think it'll be the same for Ren and I? That he will go and come back…after the baby is born?"

Leia's eyes softened with something Rey didn't understand. Leia held Rey's hand in her own and squeezed. "No matter what he does, you will always have a home here."

Rey ran her tongue among her teeth. "But he never spoke to me about what we were to do. I just want to know!"

Leia's eyes were understanding, but a little sad. "I don't know much about my son, but I do know that he loves you."

Rey shook her head and pursed her lips, looking down at her swollen middle. "Is it enough?" She asked.

She felt a soothing hand run over her hair, and she looked up, her throat thick at the gesture.

"You'll find your way," Leia murmured with a small smile. "You are strong."

Rey smiled back at the older, elegant woman. It wasn't much, but she still felt better. As she looked up into the wide, warm brown eyes, Rey quietly hoped her child would get those eyes.

That night, she dreamt of a child with brown eyes and dark hair. A jutting pout, like Ren's. She dreamt of calling out to this floating child, trying to wade into the sea of water in order to make the waves push her child back to her. A shrill cry echoed in her ears, but the child was drifting farther and farther…

She dreamt of an ocean.

And when she woke, there was water all around her legs and middle. For a moment, she was shocked. Then a rolling pain hit her, almost like a wave. And she realized her water had broken.

She jammed the button beside her until Leia's voice came through. "Rey? What's wrong?"

Shit! The pain hit her for a few seconds and then faded. "My water broke. The baby is coming!"

"Oh gods. Hold on, I'm coming."

She jammed the button again. "Call Han and Ren. Do it before anything else. Now!"

"I will, I will."

Rey laid back and began to count, just like one of the mothers taught her. Her contractions were far apart and light, which meant there was still time. But she was worried. The baby was early. Would Han and Chewie be able to come back?

She needed to focus. She groaned and sat up, her soft sleep pants embarrassingly wet. She threw her legs over the side of the bed and waited for the stabbing pain. It came and went. She had time now, time to find Finn—he lived just down the hall.

"Dami it, baby, damn it," she cussed as she waddled to the drawers in her wall. The lights flickered on when she moved across the room, and she hurriedly tried to find a pair of pants. But this was quickly abandoned—it would be too hard and take too long to put on pants. So she shuffled over to her door and out into the quiet hallway.

She was out of breath by the time she got to Finn's room and banged on his door. She heard murmurs from other rooms and knocked again, more quietly this time.

Finn answered the door, a dumb, sleepy look on his face. He took in Rey, panting, wet pants, and all. Then his eyes about jumped out of his head.

"Oh my gods. Is that—did you—Are you-?"

"My water broke," Rey interrupted.

"Oh shit! Oh SHIT!" Finn screeched. Rey hushed him.

"C'mon, help me get back to my room," she scolded. "Please."

Suddenly a contraction hit her and she braced herself on the wall.

"Ow, ow ow!" She said, trying to whisper. It faded out, and she grabbed onto Finn's arm.

"Was that a contraction?" He asked, and she nodded.

"They're still far apart," she said. "But this baby is coming. I can feel it's force, it's strong."

It felt like the baby was no longer sleeping. Now it felt awake, like it knew it was about to leave. Rey just prayed it was in the right position. The baby kicked her stomach, and she tapped the place it kicks.

 _I'm here,_ she thought soothingly. _I love you. Just wait a little longer, please._

As Finn got her back into her wet bed, he asked, "Do you think he'll make it?"

They both knew who he was.

"He better," Rey said darkly, groaning as she hit the pillow. Finn hurried to the fresher she shared with her neighbor and wet a washcloth for her forehead.

"Don't worry, peanut," he said. "Everything will work out. You just do your…thing."

Rey laughed. "Oh…hand please."

Finn grasped her hand with his warm one and let her squeeze it. Just as the contraction was ending, Leia burst in, with a medic and a rolling cot right behind her.

"Oh good, Finn you're here," she sighed. She took in the scene quickly. "Rey, let's get you into a gown and out of those wet pants. Finn, you wait outside until we're done."

They helped Rey into her gown and laughed at her when she went for a pair of underwear.

"Honey, you won't need those," the medic said kindly. Rey blushed.

"Habit," she muttered.

They all helped her onto the cot and Finn took her hand as they rolled her down the hallway to the medical center. The contractions were a little faster and harder now. She squeezed Finn's hand and grit her teeth, doing her best not to cry out. As they set her up and placed monitors on her, the medic confirmed that she was in labor.

"Did you send the message out to Ren?" she asked. "And Han?"

"Yes. Han will be here within an hour or so. I got a confirmation that Ren received the message, but that's all."

Rey nodded; this was expected. She was happy to hear that Chewie and Han would be here so soon. She closed her eyes between contractions and reached out with the Force.

_Please, Ren…hurry._

**Ren**

He was in his training room when the message came. He had been training constantly, unable to stop himself from pacing during meetings and being useless with holowork. He had been expecting and waiting. Something in the Force had awakened, and he was fine tuned to it. He felt the stir before the message came.

"Get me a ship, and a pilot. NOW!" He roared, racing to the deck. He had already been cleared. His blood was racing, he could feel his mind pulsing. He was strapped in with shaking hands before the pilot was. Ren knew he'd be too nervous to pilot; he wasn't like Rey. He didn't do well under pressure. And he wasn't even as expert as his beloved despite the fact that he had flown at least three times as much as her.

Somehow he could taste the sweat on her brow, could feel the pressure of her hand. She was waiting, wanting him. He could feel it.

The pilot was ready for take off. They were far, too far. But there was a chance. He pushed it up to the hyperdrive and Ren unstrapped and began to pace once they were safely riding through space.

Damn it, he was going to make it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so questions/clarifications:
> 
> Why is Ren so bad?  
> It's just my interpretation of how I see him, especially at the beginning. He is a man who could have murdered his father--he's very twisted, broken, and prone to his rages. I personally understand being so emotionally tumultuous, so that really comes out in my Kylo Ren.
> 
> Is this fic ending?  
> No. I actually have more in store, at least one more twist. Either way, it's not going to end in a few more chapters. Wait and see what i've got ;)
> 
> Is there a Force Bond?  
> No. Because it was never established in the movie, I just went without it. So they have a connection, obviously, and it is a strong one. So with it, their connection in the Force is stronger than most. But there is no "bond."
> 
> Is Han dead?  
> Nope. He's alive. He was in a chapter a bit back, and he survived Ren's attempt on his life because Rey intervened earlier on in the story. 
> 
> Why is Rey still with him?  
> Love is very strong, and underneath the turmoil of Ren's temper, he is actually a tender, loving man. He has never learned how to control himself, for his master has done nothing but encourage him to feed into his rages. He has also been very manipulated, but he is coming out of it now, it seems. And Rey sees the man beyond the manipulation.
> 
> Is this story going to be sad?  
> Yes, but I always have a happy ending in my stories. Don't worry. Love wins.


	32. Chapter 32

**Rey**

The contractions were coming fast now.

“I need Ren,” she gasped as another wave hit her. Leia took hold of her hand and Rey squeezed it hard, but the older woman didn’t flinch.

“You’re fine. You’re strong,” Leia assured her. But Rey shook her head.

“I want him here. He promised!”

Leia lips disappeared as she pressed them together. “If he can, he will be.”

Rey swallowed and then leaned back as the pain subsided. Finn shifted nervously from side to side and she glared at him. She was in terrible, horrible pain and was extremely irritable.

“Is it supposed to be this bad?” He whispered to Leia. “Can’t you do anything?”

Leia shook her head. “It’s this way with all women.”

“It sucks,” Rey snapped.

“It’s scary,” Finn replied.

Rey breathed for a while, letting herself rest for the moment. Finn gave her some water and went in and out, and from outside the room Rey heard a distinctive roar and the low grumble of Han’s voice.

Leia sighed and adjusted the blanket over Rey’s knees. “Han,” she called.

After a moment Han came in, followed by Chewie and Poe.

“Hey kid,” Han said, his gruffness only accentuated by his concern. He shifted and stood a bit away from her, and Leia scoffed at him.

“You haven’t changed a bit since Ben was born,” she commented dryly. Han scowled.

 _“A child being born is beautiful.”_ Chewie rumbled. _“Even if human babies are so strange and hairless.”_

Rey laughed, breathless. For the moment, she was distracted from the pain. “If every baby was as hairy as you, I think we’d have to shave it just to see its face.”

“Dumb hairball,” Han grumbled.

Rey flinched as a contraction began and Chewie roared.

 _“Little sunshine is hurting,”_ he said unhappily. Leia sighed and let Rey hold her hand again.

“There’s nothing we can do. She will have to endure it like everyone else.”

Han ran a hand through his hair. “God, there’s nothing in the galaxy to help this sort of thing?”

Leia shot him a look. “Men,” she mocked. “Always looking for an easy way out.”

Rey was suddenly tired of this bickering. She wanted Ren. She wanted his hand on her, tucking back her hair, holding her hand. She wanted to hear the deep, soothing sound of his voice. He didn’t crackle with nerves and unease like Finn and Han did. Only Leia was strong and solid, a true rock. But she wasn’t her son.

“Check again,” Rey panted as the pain finally began to release her. Leia gave Han a nod and he went to the screen to check for any incoming spacecrafts.

“Nothing yet,” he replied.

“Damn him,” Rey said, sweat beginning to slide off her forehead from the exertion. They were coming a little faster. She knew within the hour they would be coming much more frequently.

She closed her eyes and screamed into the void of the Force, sharing her pain and fear. Please, she thought. Please let it reach him.

Half an hour passed with more contractions. Unable to take the presence of her pain, the three men moved outside to wait. Leia and the two healers remained.

“Check. Again.” Rey demanded as the pain began to build. Where was Ren? He wasn’t going to be here. He wasn’t going to make it!

Leia looked at the screen of the camera for a second. “Nothing.”

“Rot it!” Rey yelled, seized by the ripping, stabbing pain below. It was worse every time. She was being torn apart!

“You can do this without him,” Leia told her sternly. “You are strong and capable.”

“I want him,” Rey hissed. “He promised.”

~

**Ren**

“Go faster!” Ren screamed. He had been pacing the cabin for two hours now, and they weren’t making enough time.

The pilot’s hands shook. “But sir, if we overpass the hyperdrive, the calibrator will—“

“I know that,” Ren growled. “But there’s always another way.”

He pushed the auto pilot button and shoved the pilot out of the seat. “Get out,” he snapped, gaining the controls.

_Rey, Rey, Rey. What would she do?_

He pushed the extra hyperdrive into position and restrung the rebillitators like he had seen Rey do before. Like his father had taught him, long ago. Then he activated it. He held his breath, and then the ship jumped into the faster speed. Finally, the estimated time sped up.

_Hold on. I’m coming._

~

**Rey**

Suddenly a loud beeping noise came from the screen. Leia got up to look, and Rey sat up only to feel another twist of pain come on.

“A ship is coming in for landing,” Leia yelled over Rey’s groans, her voiced tense with apprehension.

“Thank god,” Rey panted.

Leia sent the orders to clear security so Ren would be able to come straight to them. Finn was sent to oversee Ren’s arrival.

It was only about ten minutes, but it felt like forever. Now that she was sure he was coming, the less patient she was. Every noise was the sound of his boots.

“Deep breaths, Rey. Focus,” Leia urged, her face more drawn than before. It suddenly occurred to Rey that Leia was anxious to see her son.

“Ren,” Rey tried to say. “He’s-“

Suddenly the door burst open and a dark figure rushed in. Rey cried out with relief as it flew to her.

“Rey,” Ren said, voice filled with concern. He took her hand and gazed down at her intensely, scouring her face for pain.

“Finally,” She managed.

He brushed away her sweaty hair and kissed her forehead. Her eyes closed briefly in elation. He tore off his gloves and slipped her hand into his.

“I came as fast as I could,” he assured her. “Are you alright?”

Rey glared at him. “I’m having a baby,” she retorted. “Of course I’m not alright.”

Ren’s brow furrowed, and his lips parted for a reply but her groans interrupted him as another contraction gripped her.

“Breathe, Rey,” Leia reminded her, speaking for the first time since Ren had entered the room. Rey’s eyes opened in small slits to look at the woman, who was staring only at her son with tangible longing.

Ren gripped her hand back as Rey squeezed him. “It’s ok,” he soothed. “You can do this.”

Rey nodded wordlessly. “It’s fast now,” she told Leia.

“It’s almost time. You just made it,” She added towards Ren.

He finally glanced at her, but his eyes didn’t change into the angry ones Rey had seen before. Was it because of the situation, or had his feelings changed now that he and his mother were face to face again?

She couldn’t worry about it for long as the worst feeling yet hit her. She screamed for a short moment before resorting to breathing heavily.

An aide rushed forward to check between her legs, and said, “It’s about time.” She helped Rey push her legs into position as the other healer hurried around to prepare for the delivery.

“Help her breathe, Ben,” Leia ordered. “A few more contractions before she begins to push.”

Rey caught Ren’s angry glare at his mother for the use of his old name, but soon his dark eyes were back on hers.

“In and out, just like this,” he directed. Rey tried to follow.

“Hurts,” she panted, hands tightening.

“I know,” he whispered. “I love you.”

She nodded a bit. “Me too.” Suddenly her whole face contorted as another contraction ripped through her.

“Alright, get ready!” Leia shouted to Ren as she moved down by Rey’s feet to see. “Rey, push!”

Rey screamed and lifted herself off the back of the bed as she tried hard to bear down. Ren was right there with her, his voice calming and soothing despite her ragged yell.

“Keep going, love. You can do this.”

Leia’s head popped up again as Rey tried to catch her breath. “Again, Rey, the head is coming.”

Rey tried again, her body folding like a jackknife. She squeezed and squeezed Ren’s hand, but he didn’t pull away.

“Ren!” She cried, and his free hand rubbed her back.

“I’m here. I’m here, Rey.”

“Again, the baby’s crowning!”

Rey screamed, shriller this time as pain tore her in half, but something gave this time. Over the sound of her own voice, Ren’s came through.

“One more, last one,” he told her.

Last one, last one, she thought. Her eyes met his and she pushed, hard. He wouldn’t lie to her. Something finally slipped and she was released from the majority of the pain.

Rey fell back, gasping for breath. Was it over? Surely it was. Where was the baby? Where was her little one? Was it all right?

A tiny cry broke her thoughts and her head rolled in an attempt to see it. Ren moved to stand, but kept his hand in Rey’s. An aide, holding a tiny pink thing in a white cloth, came towards them.

“A girl,” she told the two, smiling.

Rey looked carefully at the baby that was theirs, scanning it for any imperfections. But there were none. She was perfect.

“Perfect,” Ren breathed, and she looked up at him, smiling at his echo of her thoughts.

“Let me hold her,” Rey said, and released Ren’s fingers to reach for the bundle, which had again begun to cry and flail. Leia moved closer and laid the baby in the crook of Rey’s arm. Immediately Ren crowded closer to touch the baby’s soft cheek.

The baby had a swatch of fine, dark hair on the top of her head, but was small and sweet in her face and features. Although she was red and splotchy from birth, her skin looked light underneath.

Rey looked at the little red face closely, drinking in every little movement. Rey’s chest was tight as she stared, like she would explode with joy. Or sobs. She felt overwhelmed but elated. This little girl was hers and Ren’s, completely real and healthy.

 “Shh, it’s ok,” Rey whispered to soothe her daughter, clutching her a little closer. Ren’s fingers kept stroking the little cheek and tiny fingers, and Rey looked up at him smiling brightly.

“Isn’t she beautiful? She has your hair.”

Ren chuckled, a deep, warm sound. His expression was completely tender. “Look.”

Rey glanced back, surprised to see that the baby’s eyes had slit open, blinking now that she had calmed. Looking closer, her eyes weren’t dark as Rey expected, but a familiar light hazel.

Ren pressed a kiss to the soft, downy head and smiled at Rey. “She has your eyes.”

Rey beamed at the little girl, thrilled. “The best of both of us,” she remarked.

Ren leaned forward and caught Rey’s lips gently, an expression of pure devotion and joy that they both felt. The air between them hummed with emotion, and Rey found herself holding back tears. Damn the stupid hormones.

“Hold her,” Rey ordered although she didn’t want to let the baby go. But she wanted to see Ren hold her, wanted him to have a moment just with their daughter. After a moment of hesitation, Ren awkwardly reached out and carefully took the baby into his arms.

His face looked a little apprehensive, but soon changed to rapt wonder. Rey reached out with the force and felt the incredible swell of emotion that ran through Ren.

A cool washcloth touched her face, and Rey looked up to find Leia wiping off her sweaty brow. Rey smiled at the content expression Leia wore, her dark eyes continuously flicking over to her son.

The two exchanged a look of understanding: it was unbelievable to see Ren like this, so gentle, so loving. Rey had seen it much more recently than Leia, but it clearly had renewed her hope in him.

From the door, there was a shuffling sound. Rey and Leia both glanced towards the door, but Leia had a knowing smile on her face.

“Is it over? Can we come in?” Finn called. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Ren stiffen. She held her hand out to him, and he came to her, face impassive and staring hard at the door.

“Yes, come in,” Leia replied, and in shuffled Finn, Poe, Chewie and Han. A low rumble came from Chewie when he saw Ren, and Rey watched with uneasiness as Ren and Han locked eyes.

“Ben,” Han said, his eyes boring into his son’s. Rey’s heart fluttered as Ren clutched the baby a little closer.

“Han Solo,” he replied, voice cold. “You know that boy is dead.”

Finn shifted uneasily, and Poe ran a hand through his hair. Rey reached up to place a hand on Ren’s arm and he glanced at her. He must have seen her worry, because some of the anger left his eyes. She searched his expression and he pressed his lips together.

Suddenly the baby let out a small cry, and Ren’s face changed to panic as he hurriedly sought to soothe his daughter. Rey let out a small laugh, which seemed to ease the tension in the room a little.

“Come and hold your granddaughter,” she told Han, who shifted for a moment before coming closer to Ren.

The two locked eyes again, and stood in silence. Irritatedly, Rey sighed.

“Ren,” she said forcefully, and he inhaled sharply, snapping out of it to grudgingly hand the baby over to Han. Han handled her as carefully as Ren did, like the small bundle was glass.

Chewie, Poe and Finn all gathered around Han, and began to coo at the little girl.

“She’s beautiful,” Poe told Rey, and Finn smiled a huge grin.

“So small. Are all babies so small?” he remarked.

“Of course they are, Big Deal,” Han retorted. “She’s fine.”

Chewie cooed a sweet sound at the baby, stroking the soft head delicately.

 _“May she always walk in the light,”_ he said. _“Her eyes are filled with only brightness.”_

Ren bristled a bit, and Rey slipped her hand into his, giving him a look. She leaned back against the pillow Leia put behind her, exhausted. Ren looked over her, impassive but with worry in his eyes. He stroked her hand with his thumb, and then lifted it to kiss her fingers.

Rey smiled at him, and when he eyes flicked over to the small group, she saw Han staring, disbelief on his face. It was only for a moment, but his eyes met Leia’s, and she nodded.

“What’s her name?” Finn asked, looking at Rey. Leia’s lips quirked, her eyes curious as well. Rey raised her eyebrows at Ren, who shrugged.

“Whatever you want,” he told her, voice low as if he didn’t want the others to hear.

Rey smiled a little. “I wanted her to have a family name. So I thought maybe Leila. Like Leia, and Amidala.”

Poe tilted his head. “Wasn’t her first name Padme?”

Rey nodded and rolled her eyes. “Leime sounded weird,” she replied.

“I like it,” Ren said, his features softened. She grinned at him, and then looked to Leia, who wore a similar expression. She came to Rey and cupped the girl’s cheek and chin softly.

“I’m honored. Mother would have been as well,” Leia told her. The women shared smiles, and Han cleared his throat.

“Leila, huh?” He held the baby up gently. “Leila Solo.”

Ren made a small sound of disapproval, but Rey squeezed his hand. “Leila Skywalker Solo,” she corrected. Han hmed a bit, but smiled.

 _“My turn,”_ Chewbacca interjected, not letting Han object as he took Leila.

He looked closer and began to hum a soft little melody, and the baby seemed to nestle into the warm fur, her hands stilling and unfurling to that the small fingers fanned out on the folds of the blanket. Within moments, she had fallen asleep.

“She didn’t nurse,” Leia objected, but Han gave her a look.

“Let the poor thing sleep. She’s probably exhausted.”

“So am I,” Rey added, and everyone looked to her. An aide came to her and helped lay the bed down flat.

“Everyone out!” Leia ordered, taking the baby from Chewie to place it in a nearby bassinet. “Mother and daughter need rest.”

They all said their goodbyes and left, Han lingering for a last look at his granddaughter. Leia adjusted everything for Rey, dimming the lights and putting water near the bed. She stared at Ren, but Rey shook her head. She wanted him with her.

“I won’t be far,” Leia told her, both an assurance and a warning. “Press the button if you need anything.”

Rey nodded and waited until Leia left to painfully shift over to the side of the bed. Ren, face expressionless, merely stared.

“Come here, stupid,” Rey said, and after a moment, he took off his cloak and boots before gingerly laying down next to her.

Rey pulled him closer, and he finally drew her into his hold. Her head rested on his chest, the familiar scent of him comforting.

“I’m so happy you’re here,” she murmured.

“I promised I would be.”

“I was still afraid.”

His fingers stroked her hair. “I’ll always be here if you need me.”

She nodded sleepily. “I love you. I love our daughter.”

He hummed his approval. “I love you and her too. Two more perfect creatures have never existed.”

After a moment, he added, “Anakin and Padme are surely looking on with pride.”

Rey tilted her head up. “You think?”

Ren nodded. “I feel it,” he said mysteriously. Rey didn’t feel anything, but she decided she was too tired to try harder. Ren must have sensed it, for he stroked her back and told her to sleep. With the baby close and his arms around her, it didn’t take long for her to fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the wonderful comments. Y'all fill my heart with joy. Writing this gives me joy! I poured my soul into this chapter, and I wanted to post it for Daisy Ridley's Birthday! She's my idol. I hope y'all like. Have a great day~


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Big chapter for the Star Wars Celebration going on! (and Easter). But this next chapter is what we've been leading up to this entire fic, so ready yourself. There's a storm coming--I only pray y'all won't hate me. I'll be posting a preview of this upcoming chapter this week on my tumblr, Alicecantescape. Follow if you want to see that preview! It won't give too much away though :) Thanks for the conitnued support, especially to my friend Perrydowning and Jinga for their amazing comments that lift my spirits!

**Rey**

Ren insisted on taking care of her himself. When Leia suggested that she help Rey take a sanisteam, he objected in favor of doing it himself. When she needed anything, he wanted to get it for her. When she had visitors, he stood in the corner and stared at them darkly.

When they slept, he held her close in his arms. He touched her gently, as if she was delicate, and didn’t protest against anything Rey wanted. His eyes were somehow lighter when he held his daughter and fussed over her in his silent way; and his lips often murmured into Leila’s ear when she was cradled on his shoulder. Han noted that the baby rarely fell asleep somewhere else than someone’s arms. Rey loved to see everyone dote on her daughter, who was surely the most precious, perfect thing in the galaxy.

But Ren brooded, and stared at Rey for long periods of time, which meant he was upset and in pain. His steady gaze was the only sign of his need, and she knew that the part of him that was still young and good cried out to her.

But he wouldn’t talk about it. She sensed his pain, but his only preoccupation was taking care of her. She scolded him on his sharp words to his mother and others who tried to help her, but he didn’t seem to care at all for what they thought or felt.

“Why are you so stubborn?” Rey asked him as he washed her hair for her in the sanisteam.

“Because we don’t need their help.”

She rolled her eyes and brushed his hands away so she could rinse her hair herself. “I want them around. I want Leila to have a real family.”

“She has one,” Ren growled. “She has us.”

Rey turned to face him, both of them dripping wet and tense. “You know you won’t be with us all the time.”

A strange look passed over Ren’s face, and something desperate settled there. “Then come with me.”

“No!” Rey snapped. “I don’t want her to ever be on board a First Order ship.”

“Not there. Somewhere else.” Ren sighed and grabbed her head, gently pushing their foreheads together. Looking into her eyes, he said, “I will protect you, and her. Don’t do anything stupid, and you won’t be bothered by the First Order.”

She gazed into his eyes, but her lips twisted. “Define stupid.”

“As in staying here, on a resistance base, where the First Order will attack.”

She twisted away from him. “And be tucked away in a little corner of the universe where no one can find us.”

“Exactly.” He sounded proud, like he could see everything fall into place.

“Yes, let me abandon my morals and our family so you can carry on trying to take over the world.”

“Goddamn it Rey!” He swung her around to face her. “We have a child. You can’t risk yourself being killed or captured. Just listen to me!”

She grabbed his hand and placed it over her heart, which beat fast under his palm, from his touch and their argument.

“I love you. But you know what you can do to keep us safe. To keep everyone in the galaxy safe. Abandon the First Order. Work with us, no one has more knowledge than you. Stay with us, with your family who loves you. Ren, please.”

His face contorted and Rey felt his emotions spike, the conflict like a strong wind blowing in two directions, creating a storm within him. A roar ripped out of him and he tore his hand away from her to land it on the sanisteam wall. It cracked and dented, small piece of tile and metal falling. Rey jumped away from it instinctively, right into Ren, who caught her into his arms. She found herself pressed against his slick chest, his breathing erratic.

“Don’t ask me that,” he told her, chest heaving and head dipped down so his lips were close to her ear. “Don’t ever ask me that. You have no idea what hell would be unleashed if that came even close to happening. It’s already a risk to be here.”

Rey felt her throat constrict and she buried her face into his shoulder, his wet hair tickling her skin. “It’s how it should be,” she said, tears stinging her eyes. His arms tightened around her and he held her close as she started to sob in his embrace.

“I’m sorry,” he said simply, voice tense and dark. He let her cry it out, the tears mixing with the warm water from the sanisteam. When she was finished, they finished the sanisteam in silence, and didn’t speak again until he handed her Leila to nurse.

“When I’m away, I’ll remember you two just like this,” he said all of a sudden. She looked up at him at his intense gaze moving from her to their daughter. As if a chill passed over her, Rey’s fingers protectively curled delicately around Leila’s downy head.

“Why would you say that?” She asked, trying not to let her emotions edge into her voice and scare the baby.

He just stared at her, which he was always want to do, but it just irritated her.

“Stop acting like…like you’ll never see us again.”

His lips pressed together, and she realized that he was keeping a secret. Of course, it had been all over him since the beginning. She had been too preoccupied to notice.

“Ren,” she said sharply. “Tell me you’re not leaving us like that.”

He looked startled, and Leila began to fuss as if sensing the tension.

“I promise, Rey. I wouldn’t do that.” He came close and she glared up at him, her hands making soothing motions on their daughter.

“Then why are you acting like this?”

He shifted and turned his head to stare out the window. “I don’t like the uncertainty.”

She bit her lip and looked down at Leila, whose sweet mouth had begun to relax, and her unfocused eyes drifting closed. Standing, Ren looked down at her as she held the baby close and looked him straight in the face.

“I don’t like it either. But this is the path we’re both walking.”

Something flashed in his eyes and he drew even closer, his arm sliding up to rest on the top of her arm.

“Do you think you’d be able to love me even if I did something even more horrible than before? Do you think you’d be able to stomach being with me still?”

Her eyes widened as she felt the high peak of his emotion. He was truly scaring her.

“What are you going to do, Ren?” She asked, voice calm despite her fear.

His face darkened, but smoothed out. “Nothing. It was hypothetical.”

This did not calm her. “Are you lying?”

He turned his eyes back to her. “You didn’t answer.”

She licked her lips. “I’ll always love you, even if I didn’t want to. Even when I’ve hated you, I’ve loved you.”

Something relaxed in him, and he breathed easy. He went to kiss her, but she moved away before his lips touched her skin.

“Tell me you aren’t going to do anything.”

His face clouded. “I’m trying not to. I don’t…”

Suddenly Rey truly did feel a chill, she clutched the baby to her as it the room seemed paler, bleached almost. Ren bent over slightly, his hand on his chest like it was hurting him.

“Ren!” She put a hand on him trying to see into his face, her hazel eyes scanning him wildly. “What—“

She felt his darkness, but it was different. She tasted metal, her skin crawled with invisible, cold, steel pinpricks.

She sought out his hand with her one free one and gripped it tightly. “Listen to me. Don’t leave. Concentrate hard. Fight this!”

It had to be Snoke. Or the dark side. Was that coming from Ren?

There was no response, but suddenly Laila began to wail. Rey desperately tried to calm her, but to no avail. A sudden feeling of panic crossed Rey’s mind as she realized that Leila’s reaction could be evidence to how force sensitive she was.

Suddenly, it all began to fade. Leila’s cries were still just as loud, but Rey no longer felt the phantom pain or chill, and the sound of Ren’s rasped breathing and the pressure of his hand holding hers came to her senses.

“Give her to me,” his voice said from his stooped figure. After a moment, she handed him the squirming bundle.

He took the baby carefully and straightened up, his eyes only on his daughter.

“Calm, darling,” he whispered to the baby. “I’m sorry, let me make it better.”

He stroked the baby’s cheek, and Rey watched, enraptured, as Leila slowly calmed, her pink face no longer scrunched. Her kitten cry eased away, and after a few minutes she was asleep again.

“Ren,” Rey said, “What--?”

“Shh,” he hushed her. “Let me put her down.” He carried the baby to the bassinet and placed her in it, fussing a little, which Rey had rarely seen. There was no sound but small huffs of breath that were the soundtrack to Rey’s life now.

Ren finally met her eyes with his, dark circles suddenly standing out in his pale face. He held out an arm, and Rey went to him and slipped her arms around him. They held each other tightly until something in Rey loosened.

“What happened?” She finally asked. His hands, stroking her back, stilled.

“It happens sometimes, but have only been so strong lately,” he admitted.

She pulled back a little to frown at his casuality. “What is it? How long? Why?”

He shrugged. “A while. I don’t know.”

Her fingers tightened. “It is the dark side, Ren.  It hurt you.”

A bitter chuckle escaped him. “Perhaps it is the light that plagues me so. The dark has only ever given me power.”

Her eyes, narrowed, sharpened her gaze. “You lie to yourself! Why are you so stupid?”

“Am I? Am I stupid in being here as well? They have worsened since I have come.”

That stung, and she had an angry surge fill her. “Leave then. Clearly Snoke holds your future and your wellbeing in his hand,” she bit back. “I wouldn’t be surprised if he was doing it.”

Ren stepped back, his entire expression closed. “Even if he was, it would be my fault.”

“You’re deranged,” Rey snapped. “He wants to control you because you’re strong and talented.”

“He is the only one who can help me!” Ren shouted back.

“I can’t talk to you when you’re like this,” Rey said, turning away. “I hate it when you talk about this. Him.”

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw how Ren was shaking.

“Don’t say anything more,” he warned in his cruel, icy voice. “You have no idea what you’re dealing with.”

She laughed a little at the ridiculousness. “What? A monster? Ren. I know what you’ve done.”

He turned his head so his dark, gleaming eye stared her down.

“You do,” he said terribly. “But you don’t know what I could do.”

She sucked in a breath. He was Kylo once again. Her fear returned, and she felt a strange sense of foreboding. She thrust herself against his mind, but only caught a glimpse of black and blood red before she was thrust back again.

“Watch me, Rey,” Ren said. “Watch me show you which side is the right one. Let me help you understand.”

~

**Ren**

His head was full of darkness, and his greedy heart swelled with raw emotion. Rey, Rey, Rey. He wanted her to understand, to love him, see him as his grandfather was revered. He heard the whispers once more, the surge of cold that hurt so badly but then made him blissfully numb. Sometimes he wanted nothing more than to just stop feeling.

“Stop it,” Rey said, her voice surprisingly angry. “You are nothing like this.”

“Nothing?” He asked, voice incredulous. “This is me. I am everything like this. You knew this is who I am.”

“You bastard,” she snarled. “Don’t lie to me.” Her teeth were bare, her eyes full of hate.

“I’m not lying,” Ren growled. She never understood. No one did.

“Yes, you are.”

Rey stepped closer, almost toe to toe. “You are the man who loved riding on Chewie’s back. Who loved his Mooka and hurt to watch children suffer. Who watched over me when I was hurt. You’re the man who was gentle and patient when I was scared, and the one who made our daughter with me. You love me, and I love you. You would do anything to protect our daughter. You aren’t full of hate and anger. You have something else in there too.”

Her words tore at his mind, made him scream internally. Made him angry and sorrowed. He wanted to weep, he wanted to kiss her, but he also wanted to destroy, to show her that he was not so weak as she thought. He wasn’t a child, he wasn’t a soft little boy who loved and hurt like any other. He had power, he was his grandfather’s legacy.

But he was also hers.

And it made him so, so weak.

“No!” He tried not to shout, tried to control himself as to not wake his precious, precious daughter, but he could barely restrain himself from striking out. Instead, he ran. He turned on his heel and went through the door, freezing every guard who tried to stop him until he no longer felt Rey or anyone behind him. Outside, into the swamp. Where there wasn’t any voices and he couldn’t feel anyone else’s emotions. He kneeled in the dirt and clutched his head, biting his lip to stop himself from moaning in pain. He tried to block out the pain, but like waves, he was forced to stand and do nothing but try and brace himself for them until it was over and he was nothing but an empty void.

Ren struggled to sit up and ended up resting his head on his knees. What could he say to Rey? What could he do to make this all stop, to put the world back into balance? She threw it off its axis again and again, and fooled him into thinking that being upside down was right. The darkness in him settled a bit, made him empty. He was breathing much easier when annoyingly, he felt his damn mother approach.

“You’re lucky, you know.”

Ren turned at the familiar voice of his mother, his eyes already narrowed. She sensed the conflict within him and wondered why. She was worried, he could feel it. But even she could not suspect what lay under his skin, in his mind.

“Am I?” He asked darkly, the perfect numbness slipping away so that his body was burning with anger already.

Leia, always regal, always strong, lifted her chin so her dark eyes—the ones he got from her—met his directly. From the top of her braided hair to the soles of her boots, she was always his mother. He could hate her, could leave her and ignore her, but he couldn’t resist that initial recognition. It was almost primal. Ren could almost cut himself completely from Han Solo, never labeled him as his father. But with Leia, it could never be fully suppressed. And it irritated the hell out of him.

“You know,” she began, crossing her arms across her simple vest and taking a step forward. “Not everyone would stick with someone who’s not ready to be loved.”

He blinked, trying to interpret. All his mind flashed to was his parents fighting, always fighting. His father, leaving. Was she talking about herself? No, Leia was just as stubborn as Han, and had scooped Ren up and taken off many a time during his childhood as well. Begrudgingly, Ren thought there were hardly anyone more alike than them. But that only made them more equal in his distaste for them.

“Rey won’t stop loving you,” Leia continued, perhaps because his confusion snuck onto his face.

Ah, so it was Rey she was speaking of. And of him, the unlovable. Or as she put, one “not ready to be loved.” Yes, Rey was one in a million. A million that Ren hated. But she never told him she’d wait, never promised him she would be faithful. It was something unsaid and unwritten that they would be, but Rey wouldn’t tie herself to him. Wouldn’t bound herself because of his darkness, of his anger and inadequacy. Their child, their beautiful, beautiful child was the only real thing that signified their bond, however tremulous it was.

“I never asked her to wait for me. It would be pointless, for she would wait for eternity,” he shot back, trying to turn away from his mother and suppress the conflict inside him.

“You wouldn’t have to. She loves you. That is all she needs to keep hope.”

Damn his mother, damn her. He wanted to scream at her, curse her for her lies, but even his dark mind knew it was true. He swallowed, his feet unmovable. For the first time in a long time, he truly wanted to cry.

“It’s almost cruel, Ben. It’s hard to watch her hope, day after day that you will change. She knows she can’t change you; only you can do that. Yet she won’t turn her back on you, won’t try and forget. It pains her, I know it. But even you couldn’t release her from this. The only thing that could-“

“I know,” he interrupted, not wanting to hear it. He couldn’t bear it. He knew his precious girl felt this way, he knew, deep down, that she wouldn’t sway. Damn Jakku for making her patient in this way, that she’d keep her hope close to sustain her.

“She’s waited for so long for a family,” Leia said quietly. “Why would you, if you could, make her wait any longer?”

He turned to her quickly, enraged and ready to release it, but the look on his mother’s face killed him. Soft, pitying, and full of love and yearning. For him. For her son.

He inhaled deeply, shocked again by the incredible pain he felt, how he ached to simply fall at her feet, and Rey’s, and sob. What did he want? Why did he feel this way? People, women especially like his mother and Rey, just snuck up without warning, the warmth of their light coming off them in waves. Even if he didn’t give in, crawling back to the darkness was like injecting ice cold mercury into his veins.

So he ran again, deeper into the swamp again in hopes of finding that numb peace again. He could not deal with this pain, with his body being shredded into pieces like this. If he kept on like this, he would be torn into nothing.

~

**Rey**

“Leia?” Rey asked as she glanced up from Leila’s sweet face, still beaming as she always did. But it faded when she saw the expression on her face.

“What is it?”

Leia came and carefully sat down next to Rey’s bed. “I spoke to Ben.”

Rey’s face dropped as she searched Leia’s eyes. “He’s in pain,” she replied. Leia nodded.

Rey held her baby a little closer out of instinct. “What’s wrong?”

The older woman shook her head. “He didn’t say. All I know is that he’s unstable.”

Rey nodded. “I know. I felt it too,” she replied softly. She glanced down at Leila’s puckered, pink face and worried. She swallowed and said, “Ren needs to figure things out. There’s nothing…there’s nothing we can do.”

Leia nodded. “We both have tried.”

Both of them stared down at the baby, lost in thought.

“I won’t let him put you two in danger,” Leia finally said firmly. Rey’s face snapped up.

“I can protect Leila and I, and Ren…I don’t think…” She looked away. She couldn’t say it truthfully. Ren was unstable, unpredictable.

“If there’s any chance at all, then he can’t be here,” Leia said, her voice a little thick. Rey looked down and closed her eyes, trying not to cry.

“You’re going to make him leave?”

The older woman sighed. “I have to. For us, and for the resistance as well. It’s too risky. Whatever he holds inside, it eats away at his sanity.”

Away. Away from her, and away from their child. She didn’t expect him to be able to stay. It was unreasonable to expect him to turn to the light. But…she had hoped. With Leila, and being back with his family, maybe then…

Something lurked inside him, surely Snoke was manipulating him. But Rey had Leila now, and she couldn’t fight him now. When would he stop fighting with himself and realize the life he could have?

Grandmother, mother, and daughter. Together, three different generations of women. Rey felt strange, like she was in the middle of something strong but fragile. They were all tied together with invisible strings.

~

**Ren**

When he had enough control over himself, he intended to return to Rey’s room, but was quickly apprehended by a few soldiers when he tried to return to base. They were obviously uneasy, but aside from a few comments he let them escort them to Leia. Luckily, they met the pilot before they reached his mother.

“Hey, where are you taking him?” Poe asked irately,

The main guard shifted and nodded at the pilot. “He left the permitted areas without escort or permission.”

Poe ran a hand through his hair. “Look, the General knew it. He just needed some, uh, some air. I’ll escort him back.”

“It’s protocol-“

“I know, I know,” the pilot placed his hand on the soldier’s shoulder. “I got this, I mean it. I can take any heat for this if there’s trouble.”

Ren eyed the man suspiciously, smirking ever so slightly as he basked in the overall nervousness of the group. What were this man’s motives? He may have excellent piloting skills, but he was no match for Ren. He was a friend of Rey’s, but that was no reason for this.

The soldiers conceded and Poe gestured him over with a move of his head. After a moment, Ren walked over to him and then past him, back to his original destination.

“Hey, wait!”

Ren didn’t stop, but Poe caught up to him without too much difficulty. Then he only matched the other man’s strides.

“You’re going to Rey’s?”

“No, I’d just like to explore more and take advantage of this valuable opportunity,” Ren replied dryly. He thought this would surely go right past the pilot, but after a moment he barked out a laugh.

“Right. I would have gone for that when you broke out, not going back though.”

“Lucky for me, I’m not a swaggering, self-righteous half rate pilot who crawled out from the vines of Yavin,” Ren replied. He didn’t like how Rey’s friends got under his skin. They were threats. This Poe was the exact kind of man Rey had surely imagined herself with. Quick, undaunted, moral, never losing his cool.

Poe laughed.

Startled, Ren looked up from beneath the dark fringe of his hair.

“You aren’t very friendly, huh?”

Ren bristled. Who did this man think he was? Ren had tortured him, ripped information from his mind. Now he was laughing at him. Did he have a death wish?

Ren didn’t know how else to respond but to walk faster, trying to lose the man.

“Hey!” Poe caught up and even surpassed him, blocking his way and forcing him to pause.

“I’m not afraid of you, you know,” he said seriously. Ren was incredulous. What?

“Rey gets all moony whenever she thinks about you. Serious, but happy. Unless she’s worried about you.”

Ren was lost for a moment, imagining this. Warmth bloomed in his chest as he thought of this man realizing she was thinking of _Ren._ Happy about _him._ She was his.

“Anyways, anyone she loves can’t be all bad.”

Ren still disliked this casual conversation. “Back off, pilot. I can easily do what I did before.” He pushed past the man.

“I don’t think so!” Poe called to his retreating back.

Ren hated that man. He wondered if he was right. All he could think about was how upset Rey would be. How disappointed his mother woul—

_NO._

He clenched his fists and stalked back to the medical bay. He would not fall into this trap again. He would not let himself be weak. He would not…

He found Rey nursing their daughter, the creamy swell of her breast disappearing beneath the dark down of Leila’s head. She had a very tender, loving expression as she looked down at the little bundle. And it dissolved all the emotions Ren had been feeling.

He sighed and she looked up, her expression hardening. But he drew near like a sad shadow and she looked up at him.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “I don’t want to argue.”

“I know,” she replied. Ren kissed the head of his child, careful not to interrupt her nursing, then up to Rey’s lips.

“I love you,” she murmured against his lips. He felt her longing and her hope—just as Leia had said.

He did not answer, just brushed his knuckles against her cheek. This was why he had to leave. This was why he had to do what he needed to do. He had never felt this love, this fierce need to _protect._ There was nothing stronger in the universe.


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol, don't hate me.

****

**Rey**

They slept together in the medical bed with their daughter nearby once more before Leia came. She drew Ren away and spoke to him; and to Rey’s surprise he merely nodded. No argument. He rocked Leila for a long time afterward until Rey called to him. She couldn’t wait any longer.

“What did Leia say?” She asked nervously.

Ren sighed, brushing the pads of his fingers across their daughter’s forehead. “She said I needed to leave soon. I agreed.”

Rey’s heart fell. In the smallest corner of herself, she had hoped, maybe, that he’d stay…

“I see,” she said.

She felt his fingers brush against her cheek, and she turned her head to look up at him. He sighed.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he said.

“I will,” she said firmly, and a ghost of a smile passed over his plush lips. Rey felt herself reaching out to him with the Force, curious to understand the sadness behind his eyes.

But the door opened, and Han appeared. “Hey kid,” he said to Rey, “Ten minutes.”

She nodded and he came in, approaching the end of the bed. His eyes were all for his granddaughter.

“Do you want to feed her?” Rey asked, and she Ren frown.

“I can-“ Ren started, but then fell silent. Rey and Han both stared at him, and then Han shrugged.

“I guess I can, if you need me to,” he said gruffly, but went to the small bassinet without waiting for a response. He grabbed a bottle Rey had already filled with her milk and scooped up Leila.

The room was filled with the smacks of the baby’s lips, and Rey smiled to see Han so invested with her daughter. Leila had the family Rey never had.

Ren looked only at Rey, his fingers smoothing back her hair. He usually wasn’t so tender with her in front of others, but he seemed unsettled, so she didn’t question it. She reached for his hand instead, letting him intertwine their fingers together.

“She’s a good girl,” Han said quietly as the smacked slowed into sleeping silence. He smiled at Rey and Ren. “You two made the prettiest baby I’ve ever seen.”

Rey beamed and Ren took the sleeping baby from his father. He looked intently into the little face for a long moment until Han cleared his throat. Then he laid her in the bassinet by the bed.

“You better head to the loading dock,” Han said. Ren nodded. He strode over to Rey, kissed her long and hard, and then followed his father to the door.

His shadowed eyes glanced back at Rey, flitting over to Leila, then back again.

“I love you,” he said, so quietly that Rey could barely hear the sweet words. And then he was gone.

The silence was too quiet.

Rey cast a longing look at the child in the bassinet by her bed. She was so small, so perfect. But still Rey felt a little emptiness. And unsettled, like she had forgotten something. Still, she told herself sternly that Ren’s departure couldn’t affect her like this. She had a child to look over now, and she must be the most important thing in Rey’s world now.

Rey laid down to sleep, but just as she was drifting off, something crept into her head, something dark. A moment too late, Rey realized it was not from her imagination.

Ren, on their dock. Striking out with his lightsaber. Leia, crying out, her tears lost in the rain outside. And Han eyes wide and pained. Ren’s eyes were wild, and all Rey felt was pain.

She awoke, gasping. A vision, clearly happening soon. She had to stop it, she had to get to the loading dock! She hit the buzzer with her hand to call a droid, and when one appeared she left it with the baby. Just as she swung out the door, she reached out and summoned her idle lightsaber to her hand. And then she ran faster than she had before, her heart racing for no reason other than fear. It beat in her ears like the tick of a chrono.

She arrived at the dock, lungs burning. Without explanation to Finn, who was waiting for Han to return, she ran out the door into the rain. She heard him follow her, but gave no return to his call of her name.

She was only a few feet out the door when she spotted the three of them: mother, father, and son by Ren’s plane. Her lips opened to call out his name, but the flash of the red lightsaber ignited. She was too late.

“No!” She screamed, the sound echoing Leia’s own cry. Still unable to stop, Rey raggedly ran to Han’s already sagging body. Just as it hit the ground did she touch his arm.

“No!” She screamed, looking at Han’s ashen face, crimson from the lightsaber’s glow.

Leia sank to the ground and cradled her husband’s head in her lap. Rey saw Han’s lips move briefly before his eyes slipped close and his body went completely lax. A sob came deep from Leia’s throat.

Ren looked shocked and devastated, something Rey hadn’t expected. She saw his lips form her name but no sound came out. She looked up at Ren, tears streaming down her face. “How could you? How could you?”

Rey struggled to her feet and put her hand on her lightsaber, which she had grabbed in her departure. “How could you? He loved you!”

Ren swallowed and looked at her through the dark, wet strands of his hair. “I can’t control myself…Snoke said…one less attachment…you’re not even supposed to be here!” Rage suddenly contorted his features. “He said you’d be strong enough!”

Rey’s lightsaber activated and despite the shaking of her hands she held it, ready to strike. “You are a monster!” She yelled, voice hoarse and trembling. “This is unforgivable! You’ve killed your own father, who loved you…who loved me. Will you kill Leia next? Then me?” She tensed, ready to strike.

Leia lurched over and tore Rey away and held her in her arms. The saber dropped to the ground. Rey sobbed and struggled.

“Not in your condition,” Leia said, her voice choked with tears. Finn, who had been stunned at the sight, raced over to the two women.

“Take her inside. I’ll handle my son. This is my fight.”

“No!” Rey protested, tears streaming down her cheeks without abandon. Rey felt Finn’s arms envelope her and she stared into Leia’s face. Her expression was steel, her breathing heavy. Even in the rain her tears were evident. Her braided hair made a dark crown around her striking but worn features. Her dark eyes, like her son’s, were filled with pain and determination.

“Leia!” Rey called out, struggling as she was dragged away. She watched the older woman lean over and pick up the saber and take a familiar stance that Rey had never seen her take before. “Leia!” She screamed, a guttural sound ringing out as she realized that she may never see the woman alive again if she failed. Then the door shut, and they were gone.

**Ren**

Ren had never felt such pain. It replaced every other emotion in his body. He could barely even see.

Part of him screamed in fury. Rey hated him for this, she hated him! He knew she would, but he hadn’t been prepared for the pain. It was his worst fear come true. Rey wasn’t even supposed to be here!

His mother looked devastated and suddenly aged. Old, tired. Burdened. But when she picked up Rey’s lightsaber, Ren took a step back from his father’s dead body reflexively. He had never seen Leia look the way she did.

“You have destroyed that girl’s life,” she said. “She gave her love to you and you have betrayed it. She loved Han almost just as much as I do.”

Ren gritted his teeth. “I had to do it,” he yelled. “She doesn’t need to understand!”

She would never understand. Ren had seen to that.

_“You must kill Han Solo if you are to prove your loyalty to me. Sever your bonds. Prove to me you are a worthy apprentice.”_

_“And the baby? And Rey?”_

_“Let them play with the Resistance for now…we will discuss this in the future, Kylo Ren. But first, let me remind you of my strength.”_

The pain had been nothing compared to this.

“No!” Leia’s voice rang out and she stepped closer to him. “You have truly turned your back now. I saw you with her, and I thought…I thought you had a chance, Ben. But I will not let you do further harm. You are my son, and I will not let you go any farther with this.”

“You abandoned me, you never loved me!” Ren said, her words ringing in his ears. His mouth tasted like metal. But he had to follow this to the very end. Regardless of what he felt. “Neither of you did! Han Solo never even wanted me! You do not control me!”

Leia’s eyes narrowed. “You are lost, Ben. And you will soon learn the pain I have endured. If you continue, I will do everything in my power to ensure that you will never see your daughter again. You’ve killed her grandfather before her life has truly begun, and you will not taint her life.”

Ren’s eyes widened. His perfect daughter, the symbol of everything he and Rey had together. Leia would take it all away from him!

No, no. _He_ had done this. He couldn’t forget that! The darkness waited to eat him whole.

_Give in._

He swung his lightsaber and it connected almost instantly. He fought with aggression and pure, ragged power. All he could was strike against his mother again and again and again. Not even to try and underhand or disarm or even cleverly injure. If any of his blows had landed, his mother would have been sliced in half.

But somehow, Leia held up perfectly against his angry strikes. Although she was older now, he could see how light on her feet she must have been when she was younger, for her moves were elegant and precise. She seemed a little rusty, a little unpracticed, but still skillful.

“Join him, Mother,” Ren hissed. “Let me be free from you both.”

“You are letting yourself be influenced,” Leia shouted above the rain pelting their numb skin. Ren could tell she was solely focused on disarming him. She wouldn’t hurt him. “Even my father had good in him! There’s always a chance to turn back.”

“I hate you! I don’t want you! All you’ve ever done is cause me pain!” Ren yelled, danger beating in every cell. His moves were less and less refined, and his wound was marring him. The more his mother provoked him, the less control he had. The darkness called.

“I love you, Ben! Han and I both did! You’ve always been loved!” She told him, her voice shaking.

Ren’s eyes were narrowed as he focused a strike right at his mother’s face, where he could stop her lies.

_No, not lies._

“I’ve never loved you!” He screamed, and their blades met. The light shone in both of their eyes, and he saw the tears and tenderness in hers. His heart skipped a beat as he remembered her rocking him to sleep, protecting him from the whispers of those who were suspicious of him, touching his cheek gently before she left him that last time.

_“I’ll see you again, Benny. Listen to Luke, and when you’re as strong and as skilled as I know you can be, we’ll go home again.”_

Was it the rain, or was the stinging in his eye a tear?

The blue and red light moved, and with a deep inhale and a careful roll of her wrist, Leia quickly swung her blade back and then forward to catch him off guard. He faltered, and with a move so fast that he didn’t realize it until it was too late, she sliced right through his wrist, effectively disarming him.

The pain that shot through his arm and throughout his body was indescribable. He howled with this new pain and fell to his knees, clutching his severed limb. He could barely think, all he could see was Luke’s skeletal, robotic hand. Just like Anakin’s.

And now his.

The glow of Leia’s saber blinded him, and he looked up, startled. Would his mother kill him? He had underestimated her. He thought that she wouldn’t be able to physically injure him, her son, but she was stronger than he had thought. Hadn’t he done the same to Rey?

He was just a fool. All he had wanted to do was protect them. But all he could do was destroy. He knew that now. There was no good in him. He had left it behind with Rey and his daughter.

“Leave!” Leia ordered. Her crown of braids, dark from the rain, had become undone and now lay down her shoulder. She looked both old and young, worn by the agony he felt from her, but young from her stance and fire. Yes, he had underestimated his mother. She had made a different choice than Luke, but she was just as powerful.

Ren scrabbled back and glanced towards his lightsaber, which his hand still lay curled around. But his mother pointed the saber at him.

“Leave now!” She repeated. “And don’t—don’t you ever come back!”

He swallowed thickly, nodding his head. With his only arm left, he dragged himself to the pilot’s seat. He slammed on the auto-pilot, kicked the ship into take-off, and watched grief overtake his mother as she crumpled to her knees over his father’s body.

It was done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short and...sad. Sorry guys! Hoped you will stay the course of this angst train. Stay strong! Our lovebirds are fated...


	35. Chapter 35

**Rey**

_She was floating._

_“Ren!” She called out, desperation curling in her chest. “Ren!”_

_Warm arms curled around her. “I’m here, Rey.”_

_She jolted at his touch, but then turned and melted into his firm chest._

_“Shit,” she breathed, tears welling up as she clutched him. “Was it real, Ren?”_

_“Was what real?”_

_“Did you kill Han?” she asked, tilting her head up to look up at him. His large hands covered her back._

_“No,” he said, looking confused. “What are you talking about?”_

_She let out a small sob and buried her face into his shoulder. “Gods, I had this dream that you killed Han and I had just had Leila and—“ She suddenly remembered her baby, her sweet baby. Where was she?_

_“Where’s Leila?” She asked, pulling back, her hands running down her flat, toned stomach. That wasn’t right. Her stomach had been loose and soft, because she had just had Leila._

_“Oh no,” she choked out, sinking into Ren’s arms again. “Oh gods.”_

_“What is it, love? What’s wrong?”_

_She sobbed in his arms, harder than if she was a baby._

_“This…is just a dream…” she managed. “You did do it, you did…”_

She awoke with tears on her face.

The baby was stirring in her arms; some of the tears had fallen on her.

“Sorry, sorry,” Rey murmured, dabbing away the water with the edge of her tunic. Leila opened her eyes and cooed, and Rey gave her a small smile.

For a while, she folded into herself with grief. She and Leia moved silently within their sphere of grief to take care of the baby, but beyond that, there was little reason to move.

She felt like a horrible mother. She hadn’t protected Han, and she had chosen the wrong man to be father of her child. Now her daughter had no father, no grandfather. Worst of all was the realization that Ren had known, he had _known._ He had planned it. She hadn’t understood his feelings then, but now she did.

She felt betrayed. She felt foolish. She bit her nails down to the quick and cursed the man she loved every night.

Only her love for Leila kept her from dissolving. She cried too many tears on her sleeping daughter. At night Leila slept in the nook of Rey’s arms, a hot little coal of life, keeping the grief at bay for a little while. She’d wake, thinking the warmth on her cheek was Ren’s hand, when it was just Leila’s little flailing palm.

How could she still yearn for him? What kind of person was she?

Underneath it all, she was angry. No, furious.

She hated him.

He had lied to her, he had betrayed her. But above all that, he had wounded Leia more than anyone thought possible.

Leia had withdrew from leading the resistance. The sweet hope that Rey had seen in Leia’s eyes the day Leila was born was gone. Dead. The only time Rey saw any life in Leia’s eyes was when she held her granddaughter. Rey wondered if she looked the same when others looked at her.

They didn’t speak much about what had happened after.

Han was buried, and when Rey saw the body she didn’t like it. It didn’t look like Han; it was too somber. Like as if the whole room was on edge, waiting for Han Solo to swagger in. It wasn’t right.

As Leia was about to light the funeral pyre, sobs overtook her. She shuddered with them, and Rey found herself frozen in horror. Was this all really happening? Was Leia really breaking down? Was Han really dead? Was Ren really his killer? Rey’s cheeks became streaked with tears, and suddenly a hooded figure stepped forward and pushed down the hood.

“Let me, Leia,” he said.

Leia gasped when she saw the lined face of her brother, and so did Rey. Luke stood before them, his feet touching soil unknown to him for at least twenty years. Rey clutched the baby to herself, unbelieving.

Luke slid his hand onto Leia’s back and placed his hand over hers that held the fire. Leia leaned back into her twin, and together they lit the funeral pyre.

Luke led Leia back as the flames began to lick at the sides. Rey moved without thinking to the pair, and Luke smiled sadly at her.

“Hello, Rey.”

She nodded at her master and Leia turned to cry on her brother’s shoulder. Chewie, who had been standing silently to the side, let out an agonized howl that made Leila start to cry. Rey rubbed her newborn’s back as Leia went to Chewbacca, whose long, furried arms wrapped around her. Luke looked to Rey once more, and she asked, “Are you really here?”

He nodded, and then looked at Leia. “Yes. And I shall stay. She did not call out to me personally, but I felt Leia’s anguish in the Force. She needs me.”

Rey shook her head. “I don’t know what can be done. Everything…everything is wrong. I should have listened to you.”

“No,” Luke said. “Things always happen the way they were mean to. Besides, do you really regret this beautiful child?”

“No,” Rey said fervently. “Never.”

Luke’s expression were sad as his fingers ghosted over Leila’s forehead. “You still love him.”

Rey bit her lip as tears pricked at her eyes again. In the firelight, Luke’s blue eyes shone.

“He’s a monster,” she said.

“But yet, you do not deny it.”

She tipped her head back, trying to contain the tears. “I don’t know what I feel. All there is is darkness.”

“Yes,” Luke agreed, his eyes on his sister. “You must be careful.”

“Yes,” Rey whispered. “Maybe this time I will be.”

Was it all her fault?

She had asked this of Leia, who had dismissed it quickly. But Rey felt, deep inside, that she was to blame. She had brought Ren here, and she had been too late to stop him. Damn the Force. Damn everything.

When Leila was three months old, Rey felt something change. She was still sad, but overall, she was angry. She tried going back to work, her cooing child swaddled close to her body. But she was still frustrated. She felt the darkness beckoning. She talked to Luke about it, but he just kept telling her to let go of her anger. Finally, Rey had had enough.

“You’re such a hypocrite,” Rey snapped, throwing away her meditative stance. She had been trying to meditate with Luke since Leila was with her grandmother, but she had only grown angrier and angrier, unable to focus or control her emotions.

 Luke’s expression did not change, but his focus was narrowed onto her.

Rey swallowed. “You say I should let go of my anger, my resentment, because it leads to the dark side. What about you? You cannot let go of your anger towards Ren for what he did to your academy. You should know it is impossible to let go of something like that, but you dare to tell me to just _let it go!”_

Luke stood, and Rey set her shoulders back. Something in his expression was dangerous.

“Maybe I wanted more for you, Rey. Maybe I didn’t want you to rot on your island with regret and bitterness like I did.”

“Then why try to suppress your anger?” Rey burst out. “Why not let yourself grieve and be angry?”

“And fall to the dark side like my father?” Luke snapped, his teeth bared. “Never.”

Rey shook her head. “There has to be another way. There has to be.”

Luke stared at her, hard, but then his expression softened. “If there is another way, I don’t know it. I never had enough time to learn—“ he cut himself off, his face faraway. “The way of the Jedi is the only one I know. The rich history of them is otherwise lost.”

Rey worried her lip between her teeth. “That doesn’t mean we have to follow it. I don’t…I don’t think that path is right for me. Or—“

She almost said Ren. But no, there was no light in him. Not hardly enough. She had been wrong.

Luke pressed his palm to her shoulder. “You may be right. It might be time for the ways of the Jedi to end.”

Rey looked at him, looked at how old he was. Grey beard, lined eyes and weathered skin.

“I must bring balance to the Force,” Rey said softly. “I must remove the darkness from the universe to help balance the small amount of light there is left.” After Ren had killed so many Force sensitive people, the Force was dark and dangerous. There could be no balance in the force-sensitive people who were left while dark reigned around them.

Luke scanned her face. “Do you know what that means?”

Rey swallowed, then slowly nodded. “I must be the one,” she said woodenly. “I must be the one to kill Kylo Ren.”

~

**Ren**

Agony.

There was nothing left inside but pain. He was a shell. Even the thought of her face, or the sweet smell of his daughter did not spark anything inside. He knew that it was gone, all gone.

If he concentrated, he could ignore his own anguish long enough to lie. To swear his loyalty to Snoke, to continue walking the halls of the finalizer, to agree on reports. They were continuing on the weapon they had sworn to stop construction on. Ren did not care.

He found he could not interrogate prisoners anymore without crying. Luckily, his mask hid the deceptive tears from his victims and personnel.

Everything reminded him of her.

Yet there was nothing he could do.

In the beginning, he tried to remember their last kiss, the last time she told him that she loved him. But it hurt too much. It was like drawing a knife across raw, seething flesh. So he tried to forget.

Snoke, for the most part, left him alone. He had proved his loyalty. And even though he no longer did much of anything—he would no longer seek out the force sensitive—he was still given Snoke’s approval to do so. Free reign. If only…

But there were stirrings in the Force. Whether she was aware of it or not, a thin thread connected the two of them. And one day, something changed. It was barely a connection—more like a movement out of the corner of his eye than anything. But there was…something.

Had Rey turned dark? Was Leila alright? Or perhaps his mother had…no, he couldn’t go down that rode. It was just a stir, nothing more. Surely, if something had happened to his family, he would feel it.

If only he could be there, protecting them…

He had dreams, so many dreams.

_Hold me, Ren. Take my hand._

_Please, Ren. Don’t go._

He knew he had abandoned her like she had always feared. He had stabbed her where she ached most. And their daughter… No, he could not think of her.

As they approached the planet being used for their weapon, Ren stood on the bridge and looked over the bright orange orb before them. He felt Hux approach.

“Do we have permission to land?” Ren asked hollowly.

“Yes, we will board in one hour.”

“Then why are you here?” Ren asked turning to Hux.

Hux was looking at him intently. “Snoke wants to see you before we board.”

Ren nodded.

As he turned to leave, Hux stopped him.

“Ren, what happened to the girl?”

He paused, shocked. Hux was curious. He turned away again, refusing to answer. Hux could wonder all he wanted.

~

**Rey**

She worked hard. With her baby on her back she practiced meditation and forms. Luke taught her more, and with her new purpose, she found new life.

Dreams still haunted her, but that was at night. More often than not she wake up from a bad dream—or a good one, any dreams were dangerous—and bring Leila to sleep with her. The smell of her sweet little baby was comforting, and lulled her into a dreamless sleep.

Most of the time.

So she trained, and trained, and trained. Leia warned her against it, so did Luke. Finn and Poe were worried. Even Chewie shook his head. They didn’t understand her drive, her need. She wanted to make things right within the Force and within herself. This was the only way she knew how to do it.

But one day, everything changed.

Rey was sitting beneath a tree all alone with Leila, feeding her her afternoon meal. As Leila sucked eagerly at her breast, Rey sighed and leaned her head back against the tree’s rough bark. She closed her eyes and focused on the warm, solid feeling of her baby in her arms, the sweet suckling at her chest that relieved the pressure of fullness.

But suddenly Leila stopped sucking, her rosebud mouth releasing Rey’s rosy nipple. She gave a sweet coo, which was unusual. Leila was an uncommonly quiet and stoic baby. She looked down, puzzled, and then she herself felt it. It was like a wave of the Force hit them, warm and playful like the sea on a sunny day. Rey felt as if the weight of something dark had been lifted from her shoulders. Everything looked a little brighter. And the dark bitterness that resided deep within Rey shrank a little in size.

Something had changed.

Rey was frozen, in shock, until Leila cooed again, the sweetest sound a baby could make. Rey snapped into action, covering herself and rushing back into the barracks. Everything seemed normal. But Rey _knew_ something was different. She _knew._ So she went straight to Luke’s quarters.

As she entered the clean, grey apartment, both Leia and Luke looked up at her. Leia’s face was streaked with tears, and Luke looked gravely serious.

“What is it?” Rey cried. “What’s happened? I felt—“

Leia sat down, and Luke placed a hand on her shoulder, comfortingly. Leia’s ornate hair and damask gown suddenly seemed to dwarf her. Rey was terrified, and all she could think about was Ren. Was he dead? What was that feeling? Why, why, why did she still fear for him?

But Luke gave Rey a small, reassuring smile.

“Somehow, some way, Snoke has fallen. He’s dead.” Luke gave a great big breath and met Rey’s frightened eyes. “And we think Ren had something to do with it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so it's been a while. But I'm not a quitter. I love this stroy, and I'm going to finish it, strong. There's still lots in store I have to write. After some negative comments last time, I just felt let down, but I'm back with a vengeance! Thanks for everyone whose supported me and this story!


	36. Chapter 36

**Ren**

It had been something Ren had been dreaming about ever since he killed his father. Slitting open Snoke’s throat, crushing his skull, choking him until the air left every pore of his lungs. It filled his nights, the these dreams. His only reprieve was dreams about Rey.

He hadn’t planned it at all, not really. He never once thought about doing it sooner or later. He fantasized about how—there were so many different ways!—but they weren’t solid. All he knew was the sweet taste of it, how it would feel when he was done. Like he could finally relax. His child, his love, they would both be safe. Even his mother, and Chewie, and sometimes Luke would be included in this fantasy. For the first time in a long time, Kylo Ren did not feel anger towards his family. There were only two people in the galaxy he could be angry at. Himself, and Snoke.

So when he found himself traveling to Snoke’s castle—well, really his grandfather’s castle—in Mustafar, he was shocked when he realized what he was about to do. The reality of it hit him. He was going to remove the voice that had been in his head, by his side, since he was small.

And finally, there would be safety.

He had gripped the steering panel hard, making the leather protest. When he landed, he had closed his eyes and thought of Rey, picturing her and their daughter in his mind. He had seen them in his dreams, but he focused on the way they had looked when he had last seen them. Where his robotic arm began ached every time he thought of his family. It ached the entire time he was on Mustafar.

Snoke rarely let anyone see him in person. Hux had rarely seen him, Phasma only twice. The knights had met Snoke several times, but it was Ren who was the one who saw him most. He was the most trusted—he was the one who had been groomed since he was a child to be loyal. And had he not proved it? He had thought he had given his soul to Snoke, but it was his heart that had truly been the core of him. And it was given to the one _he_ trusted most.

Snoke was about seven feet tall in person, and very frail. Skin like translucent paper and flesh like marred clay. His skin was purple and grey, his eyes two glittering black marbles set deep in his skull. Dark robes draped around him, but he wore his twisted flesh proudly, not hiding like the old Emperor had. It had intimidated and fascinated those who knew him. But now, Ren only saw an old, calculating creature whose power was waning. Why else had he needed Ren, a powerful hand? Snoke’s greatest power was his ability to infiltrate minds—and he had taught Ren well.

But Snoke had always held him back. Never teaching him everything. That had been the Emperor’s mistake.

So when he stepped forward, seeing this man, he realized he really was going to kill him.

He bowed to his master, as was the courtesy he had always done. But Snoke’s eyes were cold.

“You have blocked me out these last few months, Kylo Ren. Why do you not trust your master?”

Ren took a deep breath, the sound reverberating through the mask. “I was not as strong in the dark side as I thought I was, Master.”

Snoke lifted his deformed chin. “As I suspected.”

There was a pause, where Ren bowed his head, and Snoke lifted a hand. “Let me see your suffering,” Snoke rasped. “Let me feel your pain, your dedication.”

There was a hard nudge, almost like a tear of the Force inside his mind as Snoke entered. Ren could feel his gleeful enjoyment of the horrors Ren had done. He swam like a fish throughout his suffering.

_Think of Rey. Think of Rey._

He took a breath, closed his eyes, and felt along the connection that he and Snoke had. And then gently, he _pushed._

Just as Rey had once done, Ren slipped into his Master’s mind for the first time.

It was grey and shadowy. There was a pulsing beat, like a heartbeat. Ren knew he didn’t have much time. So he searched in every corner, no matter how shadowed, looking for a weakness, any weakness. And finally, there!

In a flash he was back in his own mind, in his own body.

He looked Snoke in the eye, and saw anger, shock, and _fear._

Ren raised his hand, and he knew. He knew how to take down Snoke.

**Rey**

“What? You think…you think Ren killed Snoke?”

Rey clutched Leila closer, her mind flying. Why? Was this Ren’s final turn to the dark side?

Luke stroked his beard, sighing, and Leia quickly wiped away her tears.

“Yes. Luke and I both felt him, and it was like a cry out in the Force. I think he killed Snoke,” Leia said, sitting up straight.

“What does it mean?” Rey asked. Luke met her gaze with his steely blue one.

“It means that there has been a shift in the Force. Whether or not Ben has killed Snoke for good or bad, the Force has been put back in balance.”

Rey swallowed. “You don’t think I need to kill him.”

Luke said nothing, but Leia raised her chin. “No, Rey. I don’t think you do. Unless, in your heart, you were doing it for another reason.”

Rey felt ashamed as she stood before the twins. Had she wanted to kill Ren for another reason other than to bring balance to the Force? She had assumed it was her desire to find that inner balance, but had she been giving into the dark side?

Luke laid his hand on Rey’s shoulder, and Leia took her grandchild from Rey’s arms.

“Don’t trouble yourself, Rey. We have all fallen victim to the allure of the dark side.”

Rey nodded, numbly, trying to process. The three sat in silence, and finally Leia voiced what had been on the edge of Rey’s mind.

“Perhaps he has turned,” she said quietly. “Perhaps he has finally trying to do what’s right.”

Rey frowned, immediately her stomach began to turn from remembering.

“You really are a good mother, Leia,” Rey said quietly, taking Leila back from Leia. “I never met anyone else who has such unconditional love.”

She did not feel that at this moment. Her heart felt small and cold as the look in Leia’s eyes became heartbreaking.

“Rey,” she said. “There is good in him.”

Rey shook her head and met Luke’s eyes, which were sympathetic. He understood.

“I can’t believe that anymore,” she said quietly, turning to leave. “I just can’t.”

As she left, she heard Leia ask her brother, “What do we do now?”

Luke sighed. “We wait.”

**Ren**

Snoke stood before him, a creature not unlike the snakes of old lore. They were ridiculous looking, lacking limbs, appearing quite inferior. But the power was all inside, in its poisonous bite. Snoke, although possessing good telekinesis and exemplary mind control skills, could not wield a lightsaber. He obsessed one—it was clipped to his side. But he was not skilled in using it. He simply did not possess the real strength or agility to wield it. Snoke had given Ren instructions on forms for years, but had never demonstrated or sparred with him. His master had seemed above it. Besides, he had his knights for that.

And in all his loyalty and awe of his master’s mind prowess, he had been blind to his only weakness.

In a flash, his lightsaber was in his hand, lit and ready. And in Snoke’s eyes, there was doubt.

But his master still smiled. “You think you can beat me with your cracked crystal?” he asked. “There was a reason I never wanted you to seek a new crystal, my dear apprentice.”

Damn him. Damn him to hell.

No! He couldn’t let Snoke manipulate him any longer. He could do this. He had to.

Snoke’s first swing was too wide, and it made Ren confident. They went back and forth, and unlike his fight with Finn and Rey, he did not spin nor leap hardly at all. He was not furious, nor injured, nor seeking to impress. He was simply trying to win.

Snoke jabbed at his hip, and Ren took advantage. Off went Snoke’s left arm. But strangely, the man did not really cry out. He only let out a rattling gasp before swinging wildly with his last arm. His swipe was unexpected, and forced Ren to stumble back and go on defense. Snoke took this opportunity to drive him back again and again. Ren spun quickly to avoid and recounter. Quickly he gained the upper hand.

But he needed to make this count. He couldn’t carry this on forever. And Snoke knew this.

Ren felt Snoke prying against his mind. It hurt, and he felt electric stabs of pain up and down his spine. Snoke was truly gifted.

It distracted and angered Ren. He felt himself slipping, his swings become choppier and less focused. Snoke’s blade met his, and although he was not strong, Ren felt a new barrage on his mind that he could not guard against. He pushed his blade, trying to use his raw strength, but he was in too much pain.

_Focus._

A rich, deep voice filled his mind. One that Ren had never heard before.

_Focus. Reach for the light. Think of them._

Ren’s mind was filled with images of Rey and his tiny daughter. He heard the voice tell him to reach, reach for the light. He felt it begin to surround him, just like as if he was with Rey. It formed a hard wall, pushing Snoke out of his mind.

With new focus, he pushed his blade back against Snoke’s, watching as the older man faltered. His red blade fell to the ground, deactivating, and Ren’s blade slid right into the other’s chest.

Again, Snoke did not cry out. He hung on the blade, his empty eyes hollow and glaring. His remaining arm swung from its socket limply.

Ren pulled his blade out, watching as the man swayed, eyes still locked on Ren’s.

“You…will…fail…” Snoke rasped, and then fell to the floor.

Ren panted, then fell to his knees. The warmth did not leave him, but he thought he felt a firm hand on his curls, patting him gently.

_Good, Ben._

**Rey**

It took only two days for Ren to contact them. The entire base went into a frenzy as an unidentified craft approached. Leia immediately commed Rey, who left 3-PO, a surprisingly competent baby sitter, with Leila. Luke, Finn, and Poe were already there when she arrived.

“It’s him.”

Rey immediately began shaking her head. “You can’t let him land here. You have no idea what’s going on in his head.” No one did. If he could have killed Han, then Rey really didn’t know him. What if he was coming for Leia? Or Luke again?

“Rey, he’s coming for you and Leila,” Finn said. “It’s always been you.”

“Now, hold on. We should have a message back from him anytime now. We can’t argue over his motivation right now,” Leia said, and Luke nodded his agreement.

Rey clenched his fist over her now flat stomach and closed her eyes. She felt sick, all she could think about was watching Ren plunge his saber through Han—it ran through her head again and again.

“Rey? Rey?!” She opened her eyes to Finn’s voice. He was looking down at her worriedly.

“I’m fine,” she assured. “I just…”

“I know,” Finn said, squeezing her shoulder.

A short, blond girl with two buns ran in. “General! We have correspondence.”

Leia approached the computer, scanning over the words quickly.

“He says he surrenders to the resistance. He wants to land.”

“No!” Rey cried out. “He’s too dangerous!” He could try and take Leila, kill Luke, kidnap Rey—again.

“Rey, we don’t have a choice. If we refuse him, the First Order will capture him. Is that what you want?”

Rey didn’t know what she wanted. All she wanted was Ren to be who he used to be.

Or at least, who she thought he was.

“We need your help subduing him,” Leia said. “With the three of us, we can take him down with the Force so he can be sedated.”

Rey shook her head. “I can’t. I can’t. I want to leave this place. I should take Leila and—“

“No,” Luke said. “You can’t run from this.”

Rey set her jaw. “No, but I can protect my daughter. Do what you want with him.”

She turned around and left, going to relieve 3-PO. She took her daughter, now six months old, and held her close. She had been upgraded to a two room apartment now that Leila was growing bigger, so she had her own little room with a crib and rocking chair where Rey fed and rocked her to sleep. Leila, who had been sleeping, awoke only briefly before nuzzling back into her mother’s chest and falling back asleep.

Rey stayed awake, rocking back and forth for at least an hour before there was a knock at her door.

Clutching the sleeping baby to her chest like a shield, she crept to the door and watched it slide open to reveal Finn.

“Hey peanut.”

“Hey peanut,” she sighed.

“Did you think it was Leia?”

“Maybe. Or Luke come to convince me to help them get Ren sedated.”

“Nah, they managed that on their own. He’s in a cell now.”

She wanted to ask how he looked, if he had that dangerous, wild look in his eye.

“He’s asking for you, you know.”

She frowned as her throat got thick and turned away to try and compose herself. Why did she feel so emotional?

“Hey, you don’t have to go, Rey.”

She nodded, taking a deep breath. “I know. But it feels like everyone wants me to.”

Finn shrugged and leaned against the door. “Only because he will only open up to you, and because you’re the only person who he probably won’t try and kill.”

“Gods,” she snapped. “He killed his own father. He’s liable to kill us all.”

Finn blinked at her slowly, waiting for her anger to cool. “Rey, he had more than a chance to kill you. But he didn’t.”

“I don’t care. I won’t let him hurt me, or Leila, or any of us again.”

Finn’s eyes were sympathetic. “C’mere, nut.” He opened his arms and she walked into them, the baby stuck between them. A few tears escaped, and she let out a long, shuddering breath. Leila began to squirm, and Rey stepped back.

“Will you watch her?” Finn gave her a dashing smile. “You know it.”

As she grabbed her saber and handed the baby over to Finn, he grasped her arm.

“Hey. Be careful.”

She nodded.

**Ren**

Through his thoughts came a sense sharper than any other. She was here, close. He knew the feel of her better than anything. And it was coming closer, coming to him. The gods had answered him.

For a moment there was a pause, a hesitation. She must not want to see him. Why would she? But then the door slid open, and there she was.

She was beautiful, even better in flesh than in memory. But there was something different about her, something cold in her gaze. Even in anger the rage burned hot in her eyes. But not now.

She was as slim as before her pregnancy, outfitted in a belted short sleeved tunic that stopped mid thigh. Her pants, as always, cut off at the knee. Her hair was slightly changed, braided down to the nape of her neck before being gathered in one of her signature looped buns. She had nothing but a small pouch on her belt and curiously, a single piece of cord with a wooden charm attached. Her eyes were still hazel, her skin still freckled, and if he could get close enough he would bet her nails were still stained grey from oil.

He stood, trying to take her all in. She stood straight in the doorway before entering, the white door sliding shut with a hiss. Ren ached with want, the pain so acute with her so damn near. But the look on her face was as hard as stone, and he knew better.

“Rey,” he finally said, and for a moment there was pain in her eyes.

“Kylo,” she finally replied.

He didn’t flinch. He deserved her spite.

“How is she? Leila? Is she—“ He wanted to ask if she was alright, if she was healthy and happy. But this would be an insult to Rey—of course she would ensure that for their daughter.

Anger darkened Rey’s features. “Do you think you deserve to know?” She asked. “You threw away the chance to know her when you killed her grandfather.”

Ren nodded blankly, understanding her anger but still upset by it. Control, control. She had every right to be angry. He couldn’t stop her from being angry.

“I didn’t want to see you,” Rey said tremulously. “I don’t believe you have truly deserted the First Order. I don’t think you could ever deny that murderous need for blood.”

Ren sat down again, hands clasped together tightly to hide his shaking. It was hard not to argue with her, not to try and convince her and sway her. He looked down even though all he desired was to see her face.

“I just want you to answer something for me,” Rey finally got out. She took a step forward and his eyes met hers.

“Why weren’t we enough?” She asked quietly. “Me, Leila, Leia, Han—“ She shook her head, unable to continue.

Maker, she couldn’t have thought that all this time. That there was some kind of scale that was tipped in favor of the First Order.

“It wasn’t the matter of which meant more,” he replied carefully, eyes casting back down to his hands. “You were more than enough. All of you. In fact, you were my reason.”

Rey threw her arms around her body as if to hold herself. How Ren ached to go to her, to comfort her as he had before.

“Why?” She whispered. “Just tell me why.”

He shook his hands and stood again and took a few steps towards her. Her body went rigid and he stopped a few feet from her.

“You have to understand something,” he begged. “I know you don’t trust me, but this is the truth.”

He took a deep breath as her eyes searched his, sharp and anxious.

“I did it to stop Snoke from taking Leila. She wanted me to bring her to him, with you in tow. He doubted my loyalty…because in truth, I was on the verge of breaking. You, Leila…you were all that mattered to me. Power still beckoned, but only because I wanted to be strong enough to protect you two from everything…including Snoke. I needed to be stronger, and I believed he could show me the way. So we made a deal. I would prove my loyalty by killing Han, and severing my ties with you.”

Rey was still, perfectly still, and she could not contain the agony she felt. He felt it too. It crawled across his skin and settled in his lungs, with each breath he took. Her pain was the worst of all.

She looked down and he worked hard to keep his burning hands from touching her.

“He loved you,” Rey said softly, the same phrase she had said to Ren moments after Han’s death. “He loved you and you killed him.”

“I loved him,” Ren replied. “I didn’t really understand it then, but I regretted killing him before I even drew my saber.”

Rey looked up, eyes fierce. “It won’t ever bring him back.”

Ren nodded. “I know. But I will feel this, always. It is a small part of my penance for what I’ve done.”

She stepped closer, too close, he realized. Too close for his hands not to resume shaking, when he wanted so much to touch her.

“Do you think that I will believe you? That I will fall into your arms as you beg forgiveness and how you’ve repented? You could try and repay everyone for all the pain you’ve ever caused for the rest of your life, and it would still not be enough.” She blinked away tears, clearly trying hard not to cry. “I begged you to stay with me. _You made me beg you,_ and still you turned around and abandoned us, for power.”

“To protect you!”

“You’ve already cut too deeply, Ren! I’ve hurt more these past months than I ever have! Our daughter will mourn the loss of her grandfather all her life!”

Holding his breath, he stepped back once, then twice. He buried his head in his hands as something in him broke.

“What would you have me do, Rey?” He asked between clenched teeth. “I am trying, gods, I am. I don’t know what to do.” He sat back down and tightened his grip on his dark, thick, unruly hair.

“Dying, is that what is needed?” he asked. “I thought—I thought this would be better. If I did something, If I tried to give something back rather than take…” he trailed off, unable to speak coherently anymore. If he opened his mouth again, he’d scream.

“I can’t tell you what to do. There’s nothing you can ever do.” Rey was crying, he could hear it. Even now, he hurt her.

“Please,” he begged once more. “Tell me if there’s any chance for me. Any kind of redemption.” He wanted to hold his baby girl. See Rey smile. Comfort his mother. Be someone he didn’t hate so much. Someone worthy of the love he had rejected.

Rey only cried, and he couldn’t even look at her. She sank to her knees and he could not move. She buried her head in her hands and sobbed.

“Do you know how many nights I’ve dreamed of seeing you again? Do you know how much fear I felt for our daughter every time we left a planet? I wanted you, but I’ve hated you…it’s torn me apart.” She shuddered and her breath caught. “Is that what you wanted?”

“Rey,” he choked out. “Gods, Rey. I never wanted to hurt you, I swear it.”

She shook her head. “I hate you, Ren. I hate you.”

A groan of agony tore from his chest, ripping him open. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I know there is no chance of you loving me, for it would be impossible for you if you hate me even a fraction as much as I hate myself.”

She uncovered her head with a small gasp, rage transforming her. “Oh maker, I do hate you. I hate you for what you’ve done, and I hate you for not trusting me!”

He blinked at her, panicked. “What do you mean?”

She stood slowly, and he was afraid of the hatred she exuded.

“You must take me for a liar. Or you must have never listened or believed me.”

He shook his head. “No, love.”

“Shut up,” she snarled. “I told you, I _told_ you, Ren.” She wiped her hand across her cheek and tyhen pointed it towards him. “I told you that no matter what happened I would love you.”

Something indescribable swept through him, numbing his every cell. “Rey,” he gasped.

“How dare you, after everything you’ve done, forget that?”

“Rey...” he shook his head and stood once more on trembling legs. “I thought there was no hope. I thought, surely, there was no way. It was unforgivable.”

Her arms went around her again. “It was. And I still hate you. I wanted to stop loving you. It would hurt so much less,” she sobbed. “But I can’t. No matter what, I can’t.”

“Rey,” he repeated, arms held out cautiously. “I love you, so much. I’m so sorry.”

 “I’ll never forgive you,” Rey said. “I don’t think I can ever trust you again.” She did not move forward, into his arms.

He nodded, but her words did not make him feel like exploding. The realization that she really did love him helped him more than anything else. “Let me try,” he asked.

She was silent. “It’s not my decision of what happens to you,” she said, pulling back even though he had not touched her. The dark circles under her eyes made her eyes even bigger.

“I know,” he replied. “I will accept whatever the verdict is.”

“Even death?”

He swallowed. “I will try.”

She shook her head. “Don’t. Not death.”

He let out a shaky breath. She did care. Regardless of what happened to him, she _cared._ She was his redemption.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gossshhh the support you guys gave me last update was amazing. Simply amazing. Made me so motivated, so here's a chapter early for you <3 You guys are awesome. Love.


	37. Chapter 37

******Ren**

She visited him every day. There were many short, terse visits in which she could not be able to stand it, when she could not look at him and not be filled with anger. But there were some days when she could sit across from him and once even let him hold her hand. She seemed doubtful that he wouldn’t get fed up and explode one day. But he vowed not to. He would keep trying.

“What does she like?” He asked Rey on a good day, desperate to know something, anything about his daughter. But Rey was very protective of Leila, and he was trying hard to respect that.

“She loves any animal. Flowers. Things she can fit in her mouth. She likes the color yellow and cries when I put socks on her.”

“Socks?”

“Hates them. Loves to walk around with bare feet. Likes her toes to be free.”

The tenderness on Rey’s face made Ren’s chest ache. He had never seen such a look before.

“Any signs of a future pilot?”

Rey laughed. “Maybe. She likes to ride with me on my speeder.”

Ren inhaled sharply. “You take her on your speeder??” He said, trying to keep calm. Rey glared at him.

“Just recently. She loves it. I designed a special seat for her.”

Deep breaths. Rey wouldn’t endanger their child. But without parents raising her, the only parent she must model herself after was Leia…Leia, who strapped Ren to her back and infiltrated Empire ships. Leia, who let Ren wander around the base when he was three, sure he would keep himself out of trouble.

But he was no kind of father right now, so he had no right to protest.

“Rey,” he pleaded quietly. “When can I see her?”

Her hand slipped back and her walls went up. “Not yet.”

What could he do to a baby? The dark side wasn’t contagious. He could be gentle; Rey knew that.

“A hologram then,” he finally asked. “I just want to know what she looks like.”

She held his gaze for a long time before she sighed and then drew open her pack. Ren held his breath in anticipation as she opened the small disk.

The blue light lit up to the image of a chubby little girl who was busy playing with some kind of cloth.

“ _Leila!”_ Rey said on the hologram. _“Come to mommy!”_

The little girl looked up and smiled almost shyly, her dark curls framing her round face. From the holo Kylo recognized the familiar shape of her eyes, just like Rey’s. And the nose too, thank goodness.

She rolled herself over onto her stomach and began to creep forward, sliding on her belly.

_“Come here, darling. You can do it.”_

The child didn’t speak or make much sound, but her eyes sparkled enough that anyone could tell she was daring enough to do it.  She gained a little speed and then crawled right into Rey’s arms.

_“What a big girl! Oh, grandma’s going to be so proud of you…”_

Ren caught one more look at the sweet face and even caught the sight of her ear, which unfortunately she seemed to take from him. But she was beautiful.

The hologram shut off and Ren felt himself smiling. Rey, after a moment, smiled back.

“She’s perfect,” Ren said.

“I know,” Rey beamed. “She wakes me up every morning with a kiss.”

“She sleeps with you?” He liked the picture of that, her snuggled in the crook of Rey’s arm as they both fell asleep.

Rey nodded. “Mostly. Since she was born.”

Ren nodded slowly, his elation fading. How he wished to be part of that picture, cradling their sleeping daughter between them.

“Does she speak much?”

Rey’s smile dimmed. “No…hardly at all. She is intelligent, and points to things she wants rather than ask for them. But she doesn’t talk much.”

Ren was quiet, feeding off of the worry seeping from Rey.

“I’m sure she’s fine,” he said awkwardly. Rey’s eyes flicked to his.

“She’s just a serious little girl,” Rey said dismissably. “That’s all.”

Ren nodded. From what he could tell, Leila was not just a combination of him and Rey. She was her own little personality.

“Will Leia see you yet?” Rey asked, changing the subject. Ren winced.

“No. Not yet.”

She said nothing, keeping her expression blank. Ren knew her opinion simply from knowing her: she thought Leia had every right not to talk to Ren. And sadly, he agreed with her.

“You told her…why…?” He asked for possibly the seventh time.

Rey nodded. “I told her. She cried. But it seemed to make sense to her.”

“And Luke?”

“He didn’t have anything to say.”

Ren nodded. “I know he thinks that—“

“Stop,” Rey interrupted. “We’ve talked about this. You _don’t_ know what he thinks.”

Ren took a deep breath, leaned back in his seat and ran a hand through his unruly hair. “Right. I just…”

He paused, trying to rephrase. Rey waited with patient eyes.

“I’m afraid he doubts the legitimacy of my motives.”

Rey shrugged. “He probably does.”

Ren sighed and dug his hands into his hair. “I’m sorry, Rey,” he ground out, anger surging through him. “This is very frustrating.”

“Hey,” Rey said. “I know. But I see you trying.”

She reached out and touched his arm and he sighed, lowering his arms down in case she would take his hand. She didn’t, but her gesture was soothing none the less.

She pushed the holo towards him with a little smile. “Focus on something else. Keep this and look at your daughter. She gets bigger every day.”

A strange thickness coated his throat, squeezing it tight. “You’re right,” he agreed.

~

**Rey**

His trial began, and it was long. Ren was present for all of it, and Rey was for most. She testified, he testified, Finn, Leia, even Luke testified. Every day, after the trial events, Rey would hold his hand in his cell for about thirty minutes as he tried to calm down from what he had heard that day.

“It’s all true,” he told her angrily. “Why does it upset me so?”

She let him squeeze her hand. “Because you want to live. Because you care now.”

“I was numb or angry for so long that everything else just feels like pain,” he complained. Rey nodded.

It was hard for her to do this for many reasons. She couldn’t always be this calm, this sympathetic. Sometimes she got so angry at him, the hurt from old wounds still searing. But always he was more than sorry—he was patient, and she could see how hard he worked to be different. He no longer gave into his rages, opting to do push ups or holding Rey’s hand to try and work through his anger. He was careful not to take too much—he was always asking about her life outside his four walls, even inquiring about his mother, uncle, and Chewie.

They were together during one of Rey’s visits when Chewie came. It was just before Rey had to leave to go pick up Leila after the day’s trial when the door slid open. Chewie filled the entire frame and had to duck to enter the room.

Ren stood as he entered, mouth wide and eyes huge.

“Chewie!” Rey said, shocked as well. “What are you doing here?”

_“Came to see Kylo Ren. Came to see if there was any Ben left.”_

Rey took in a sharp breath, and looked quickly to Ren to find him glassy eyed with almost a fearful expression.

“Ren?” Rey said, prodding him gently. He closed his mouth.

“Chewie…I…”

There was silence as Ren clearly tried to manage his emotions.

_“I’ve seen you at your trial. Clenching your hands together until they’re red. Holding your tongue. Listening, not arguing. Not the man I’ve seen before.”_

Rey folded her hands and looked to Ren, whose curls hid his eyes as he looked down.

 _“I see the longing in your eyes when you see the princess. Reminds me of the pup I knew.”_ Chewie paused, the whine dying in his throat as he too, seemed taken by his emotion. _“Is what Rey said true? Did Snoke tell you to kill Han or give him the baby?”_

“Yes,” Ren said, without hesitation. “Rey—Rey has seen it. In my mind. It’s true.”

Chewie nodded, clearly overtaken with sadness. _“Wanted to kill you. Made me want to murder the pup I rocked to sleep in my own arms,”_ he growled. _“Still want to.”_

Ren’s lips moved, but nothing came out. Rey reached out to him, brushed her fingers against the length of his arm.

Chewie strode up to Ren, who didn’t flinch or back away, instead standing and looking up to the Wookie. Chewie grabbed him by the neck of his plain shirt, lifting him into the air with a growl.

 _“I could kill ya. I should,”_ he howled. But Ren did not say anything.

“Chewie, don’t,” Rey said quietly, her heart in her throat. Chewie’s liquid eyes looked at her, then at Ren.

Ren suddenly looked to her, dark eyes almost begging. Then he looked back at Chewie, took a breath and said, “I understand. And I’m very, very sorry.”

Rey didn’t realize Chewie could move so fast. She also didn’t realize he was so forgiving. But either way, Ren was caught up by two large, furry arms, being squeezed tightly to the equally hairy body. Ren hadn’t expected it either, so his arms stood out at his sides awkwardly. But then, he relaxed and put his arms around the Wookie.

_“Kylo Ren would never admit that he was wrong. Must be my Ben.”_

Ren nodded into the fur, and Rey’s heart was gripped and squeezed.

“Yes,” Ren said. “Your Ben.”

~

It was the last day of the trial. The evidence was all laid out on the table, from all the testimonies to Snoke’s head. But Rey still wondered if it was enough. Ren had done such terrible, horrible things. The resistance knew he was dangerous. Why would they vote to keep him alive?

Leia, who had not come to the trial except for her testimony, was again absent. Rey’s throat was thick, and her stomach was uneasy. She felt ill, hot and clammy and nauseous. She tried to imagine going back to living without Ren, without hope. She needed him.

She wished Leila was here, in her arms, but she’d left her with C-3PO. She wanted the soft, sweet weight of her baby against her to keep her steady. But all she could do was twist her own fingers and wait.

She had to speak for him, once more. They asked who would speak on his behalf, and she was the only one who stood in front of the rows and rows of metal desks, filled with leaders of the Resistance.

The large Togruta man who presided over them all gave Rey a harsh once-over.

“Why should Kylo Ren, formerly known as Ben Solo-Organa, be given mercy?”

Rey took a deep breath as the entire court turned to look at her. All she could see was Ren’s dark, wavy head, his piercing eyes on hers.

“Kylo Ren is not-“ She faltered, and Ren bit his lip. She recovered, and started again. “Kylo Ren is not a man who exists anymore. Kylo Ren was not a father, had no one he loved. What he has done was done because of Snoke’s manipulation and treachery. Although this man has done horrible things, things that cannot be forgiven for, he has seen them for what they are and regrets it wholly. He is needed, not only by myself and my child, but by the resistance as a whole. General Hux still heads the working First Order. And you need this man take him down. Give him another chance to do right, and he will. You have my word.”

The entire room was silent. But then, the Togruta man gave a sigh.

“A moving speech, but there is little chance for trust here. He was given a chance when he was allowed into the resistance for the birth of his child, because of the pleadings from you and General Organa, but he still used the opportunity to wound us by killing his own father, Han Solo. Little has changed since then, and he is liable to do it again.”

Ren hung his head, his hands still tied behind his back. Rey’s heart sunk.

“But that is all he did—he did not attack the base, or steal information. It was personal, and he did that under pressure from Snoke—“

“Hush,” the judge said. “Your time to speak is over.”

Rey wanted to protest, but even she knew her efforts sounded half hearted. She was still deeply wounded by Han’s death, and could not well justify it. She ached, being torn in wanting to save the man she loved.

Suddenly, one of the doors burst open and in flew a figure all in white. She strode in, the dull metal of the fastenings gleaming, dark brown and grey hair piled high on her head.

“Leia,” Rey breathed, and the entire court began murmuring.

She looked every bit as regal as she did in the holos Rey had seen of her when she was younger. She was beautiful, commanding. And she knew it.

She strode right up to the Togruta judge and placed her small hand on the desk.

“General,” said the Togruta. “What—“

“I prefer Princess today, thank you,” Leia said, a little breathlessly. But she betrayed no smile despite the mirth in her voice. “I intend to speak on the behalf of my son.”

Rey stood in her seat, and the murmurs began again. The judge frowned.

“Now, Princess, I don’t think—“

“You don’t think a mother can’t speak for her own son?”

The judge was silenced. His frown grew deeper. But then he gestured to a podium in front of the room.

“Speak your piece then.”

Leia carefully stepped up to the podium, and out of the corner of her eye, Rey saw Ren’s fists tighten. His eyes were big and dark within his sharp, pale face. The contrast was so much like his mother that it made Rey’s heart clench.

Leia did not clear her throat or stumble, like Rey did. She simple glanced up, her clear, poignant gaze level with the many eyes on her. A small breath, and then she spoke.

“The man you see before you is a man who has made many bad choices. Who has made terrible, horrible choices. He took my husband from me, my own son. What has been done to the resistance has been done doubly to me. But the man you see today is not one we have seen before. Gone is Ben Solo, an uncontrollable child. Gone is Kylo Ren, the cruel, raging man in a mask. From the day he was born, this man was judged. As Ben Solo, he was judged because of me, because of his father and uncle and what we had done. As Kylo Ren, he was judged for his actions, yes, but also for his grandfather and what he had done. So we meet this man, and we have a chance, now, to start fresh. The resistance is known for its second chances, something that does not exist in the First Order. So shall we take a step in the direction of our values, shall we look at this man unjudged for not his past, but his intentions? Or shall we walk the road of cowardice and eradicate what could be our strongest weapon because of fear? When we have never, ever let fear stop us? So I plead to you, here, not only as his mother, but as a member of the resistance. And to ensure that I am not going to use my power or status to ensure my son’s life, I must announce that I intend to step down from my position as general and vow only to serve the resistance on a citizen’s level.”

Gasps filled the room at Leia’s revelation. One woman began to cry. But still Leia held strong.

Ren bolted out of his seat, only to be thrust back down by his guards. Rey covered her mouth with one hand and gripped the seat’s arm with her other. She couldn’t believe it. The resistance was Leia’s life. It had been for more than at least thirty years. But here she was, willing to give it all—For Ren. With a pang in her heart, she wondered if anyone had ever loved her so much.

Leia gave a brisk nod to the solemn head judge, who gave her a nod of respect back.

“This shall conclude this final portion of evidence in this trial. Judges, prepare to deliberate.”

With that, he stepped down, and the rest of the head council followed him out the door. Everyone else murmured, and a crowd of people made to approach Leia. But Leia only had eyes for her son.

**Ren**

“Mother,” he murmured, but did not try to stand again. He did not want the guards hands on him, especially when he felt so volatile, so full of emotion and thoughts that swirled around his head like winds.

“Ben,” Leia began, but then her face softened. “I don’t know what else to call you.”

“Ben’s fine,” he said quickly, and a small smile passed her lips briefly.

“What I said, I meant,” Leia said. “I love you. I always have, and I always will. So did…So did your father.” Her eyes roamed over his robotic hand, and her brown gaze steeled.

“I’m not ready yet,” she said. “I’m not ready to forgive. Or to begin to start again. But I know in my heart that I will be someday. And I want you to be there when I am. If you have enough patience—“

“I do, mother,” he interrupted, his heart aching. “I do.”

She gave him a look, one he had seen whenever he was about to do something naughty. “If you have enough patience, then we shall greet that day together, I think.”

He only nodded now, trying to keep his words inside. But a few spilled out.

“Mother,” he began, “I’m sorry—“

“No Ben,” she said sternly. “Not yet. Not yet.”

So he clenched his jaw, bit his tongue, and nodded. He would not hurt his mother anymore.

He felt Rey approach.

“Leia,” she breathed. “That was incredible.”

Leia gave a shrewd smile. “Han always told me I had the tongue of a viper and a saint. I wonder which I used today?”

Rey went up to her and kissed her before whispering something in Leia’s ear. Both smiled at each other, and Ren’s heart panged. It was so beautiful.

Leia left, and Rey did too, to check on the baby. But when the deliberations were up, both returned to stand by his side.

The head judge stood, his head-tails long and swaying. Ben stood as well, ready to receive his sentencing. His heart pounded in his ears, his thoughts raced. He wanted to cower and just try to breath, but instead he stood tall and held his breath. He couldn’t break now.

“It is this court’s decision to grant mercy to Ben Solo-Organa, otherwise known as Kylo Ren, as long as he is strictly monitored on base and that he cooperates in the arrest of Armitage Hux and Captain Phasma as well as the dissembling of the organization known as the First Order. Any unauthorized attempts to leave the base, venture into prohibited areas, or commit prohibited acts against the resistance will result in immediate execution. Is this understood?”

Ren gaped, throat dry. Only Rey’s hand on his made his mouth automatically answer, “Yes, your honor.”

“You will wear a monitored anklet from this day forward, and as a member of this court, I suggest you behave yourself. Dismissed.”

Rey’s arms were around him, squeezing him. He found his legs buckling, no feeling in them at all. He fell to the floor, where the guards caught him. He could barely breathe, but his mind sang out with relief.

He would hold his baby girl again. He would have the chance to reconcile with his mother. He would sleep by Rey once more.

Freedom. He tasted pure freedom. Answering to the resistance was nothing compared to Snoke. For the first time in a long time, Ren felt free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, so many nice comments. I am starting to wrap things up a little, but expect at least a few more chapters from me.


	38. Chapter 38

**Ren**

She gave him her hand when he was released.

His jaw tightened and he looked straight ahead. "I don't need that," he said gruffly. He was not a frightened child being led.

Rey grasped his hand anyways, reminding him of how infrequently they did hold hands. She was giving him a gift.

"I don't care," She replied. "I am not ashamed. Are you?"

A chortle stuck in his throat, and he gave her a sidelong glance. "It is you who have refused my hand again and again."

Her eyes burned a little brighter. "So why don't you shut up and thank your lucky stars I'm offering?"

He had once answered to only one man, but now it was to her that he obliged.

There was scarce personnel in the hallways for some reason or another, but all met Ren's dark gaze with firey suspicion and anger. He kept his gaze scornfully indifferent, his strides never faltering. A glance at Rey gave him a russet brown head and serious brow. Somehow, she was assuring to him.

Finally they approached a door and when she released his hand he found both his palms sweaty. Somehow this was more nerve wracking than the glaring rebels. His child. Finally, to hold his daughter again.

It was not as he imagined. She had made a plain and simple room a home for her and their daughter. A small bed had a blanket that was obviously not resistance issued; there were a few clothes here and there. Two plants sat next to a near window, and on the highest ledge laid a few carefully arranged rocks. Some soft toys, clearly their daughter's, were strewn around the room. Holo chips were stacked on the table, the clutter endearing. Or at least to him.

"Ah, Master Solo, welcome home!"

Ren turned to the familiar voice of C3PO to see him holding Leila, coming from a door he had not previously noticed. It led to a soft lit room full of color, most definitely his daughter's room. Strangely, he had not even thought to wonder if she had a room.

Rey's firm hand pushed on the small of his back. "Go on."

He stiffened and stepped inside the room, watching as Rey took their daughter from the droid.

"Thank you for watching her, 3PO. You can go back now," Rey said kindly.

"You left her with the droid?" Ren asked darkly before shifting ever so slightly away from Rey's sharp gaze.

"Yes," She said hotly, shifting Leila against her hip. "I left her with _the droid_ who took care of you when _you_ were a child."

He wished to retort on how many times he had snuck away from C3PO, or how angry he was whenever he had been left with him.

"I must assure you that I am quite capable of taking care of Miss Leila. I am well educated in the various forms of childcare and developmental research. In fact, just today--"

"Alright, I misspoke. Go on," Ren muttered, and Rey placed Leila into his arms to shoo away the concerned droid. He could argue with Rey about it later.

When the door shut, he let out a small breath. Leila placed her hot little palm on his cheek, grabbing his attention.

She was, like she was at birth, absolutely beautiful. Dark black hair that curled around her scalp, and bright hazel eyes that were intelligent.

"Dadadada," she said solemnly, and Ren couldn't help but smile.

"Yes," he replied. "Dad's here. Home."

Rey, her face full of tenderness, leaned into his free arm and buried her face into his shoulder for a moment.

Ren carefully held them both, still scared he would drop his child. But it was Leila who grabbed his hair and tugged, the mysterious stickiness of her hand still keeping the strands after she let go.

“No,” he said, letting Rey go and trying to remove the hair from Leila’s grasp. She said nothing, just smiled.

Rey laughed. “Here.”

She helped him untangle himself but wouldn’t take the child back. Leaning against the wall, she smirked impishly. “You’ll have to learn to tie back your hair, like me.”

“Hmph.”

Leila had grabbed onto his collar instead, and was staring at him with big eyes. Silently, she tugged on his collar and pointed down to a small stuffed bantha. He bent down, picked it up and gave it to her. She smiled again, but made no sound. He looked to Rey, who was looking at their daughter with worried eyes.

“She’s so quiet,” he noted. Rey gave a small, forced smile.

“She’s such a good baby,” she said, as if he had praised her. Ren opened his mouth to speak, but Leila was pointing again, this time to a small white and grey suspended chair that rocked back and forth on an invisible axis. He sat down in it, carefully, and watched in awe as his daughter stuck her thumb in her mouth and settled against him. He looked to Rey, whose smile had deepened.

“Looks like she knows you already,” she said. Ren found himself smiling back and rocking back and forth.

“Am I doing it right?” He asked quietly.

“You’re a natural,” Rey replied, but she seemed hesitant to leave them alone. So she leaned against the crib as Ren rocked Leila back and forth. Her eyelashes fluttered, fighting sleep. She turned and fussed a little bit, her free hand clutching her bantha toy.

When she was asleep, Ren laid her down in the crib reluctantly. Her stubbly little eyelashes were dark, fanned across her chubby cheeks. Her small pink lips were parted, her breaths puffing out quietly.

Rey led him out back into the other room, closing the door partly. She sat on the bed and he hesistated at the doorway.

“The fresher is just over there,” she whispered. “Two doors over.”

He stared at her for a moment, watching her in the dim light. She was beautiful, and he was never so grateful to be alive.

He stripped off his shirt and watched as she slowly got up and went to the drawers in the walls. She changed clothes, and he caught her sidelong glances. He sat down on the narrow bed, looking it up and down. It was long enough for him, and just wide enough for the both of them. She finally came and sat down next to him, and he followed her lead in laying down.

She gave a breathless little laugh as they laid there, sitting up a little to move his arms around her. “It’s ok,” she said. “I’m not made of glass.”

“No” he said quietly, pressing a kiss to her temple. “You’re not. You’re made of steel.”

She laughed again, and then turned into his chest a little. He shifted so he could look down at her, finally connecting their lips for one of the first kisses they had shared since they had reunited.

It was slow, it was sweet, and satisfied an ache deep, deep inside him. But it was also short, for she pulled away soon after it began.

“Wait,” she said. “I’m not—I’m not ready yet. To…make love.”

He was silent, stung but also saddened. She stiffened, and he quickly snapped out of it.

“No, it’s fine, Rey. I understand.”

“Do you?” She challenged, her eyes dark.

“Yes. I do.” He said, and for a moment they gazed at each other.

“Ok,” she mouthed and snuggled back into his chest. They were quiet, but then Ren sat up.

“Can the baby sleep with us?” He asked.

Rey looked a little surprised, but then she smiled. “I’ll get her.”

They laid down together again, this time with the baby snug between them. Leila slept on, happy and content. Ren felt warm, with his child and Rey so close and near. There was nothing better than that.

~

The next morning Leila woke, hungry and squalling. Ren wasn’t irritated, which seemed to surprise Rey. He was not a morning person. He offered to hold the baby while she used the ‘fresher, which she seemed pleasantly surprised at. But his good attitude disappeared as soon as C3-PO showed up.

“I can watch the baby,” he argued. “She’s mine, I can take care of her better than the droid.”

“The droid has never let her get hurt and knows how to change a diaper,” Rey hissed back.

Ren’s brow furrowed, and he scowled.

“If you showed me, I’d know how to do it.”

Rey sighed. “I don’t have time. Just live with it for today, ok?”

Ren said nothing, and C3-PO nervously peeked his head out of the nursery.

“Shall I change her, Master Ren? Or did you want to attempt?”

Rey smirked, and Ren snapped, “Ben. It’s Ben now.”

“What?” Rey said, and he turned to her. Her eyes were wide and her lips parted. His heart skipped a beat.

“I…I thought I’d go back to Ben,” he said. “After talking to Chewie, I thought…why not?”

“Why not?” She said, a funny look crossing her face. But then she smiled and pecked his cheek.

“Have a good day,” she said.

“You too,” he mumbled. He wasn’t sure what she thought of the name change, and felt uncertain. But she had smiled, so it couldn’t be bad. Right?

~

**Rey**

Time passed. The war barely made any progress, for the First Order had lost two of its heads. But it was still alive—Hux made sure of that.

As Leila grew, her personality flourished. She was still quiet, but she spoke more and more. Her wide hazel eyes were expressive, and her dark hair began to curl—just like her father’s. And he adored her more and more every day.

Rey loved how much Ren loved their daughter. She was the apple of his eye. He played with her all day, and Rey often came home to them napping together, snuggled in the little bed. Both curled up the same way, looking like big and mini versions of each other.

But Rey still just couldn’t let C3-PO go. She loved her daughter more than anything, and something inside just wouldn’t let her trust Ren that way. They fought about it almost daily.

“I’m just not ready,” she said, turning away

“Will you ever be ready?” he asked angrily, running a hand through his hair. “Or am I just stuck with the babysitter forever?”

“He’s not here to watch you,” Rey snapped.

“Well he’s not here for the baby!” He exploded. “I play with her, I watch her, I feed her, change her. 3-PO sits in the corner and remind me to powder my daughter’s ass!”

Rey had another retort in her—maybe a few—but a shrill cry came through the thin wall.

“You woke her up!” Rey growled, but Ren pushed past her into the nursery. She stayed back, pressing her hand to her temple, trying to calm down when she heard Ren call out to her in a tense, almost frightened voice.

“Rey!”

She rushed into the room and found their toddler still in her crib, crying, and her stuffed Mooka hanging in the air.

Rey sucked in a breath. “Please tell me you’re doing that,” she pled to Ren, who stood by the crib with a horrified look on his face.

The look dropped off his face, and he picked Leila up.

“Daddy,” she sobbed, reaching out to wrap her little arms around his neck, burying her face in his neck. He patted her back, and the Mooka fell to the ground.

“Ren,” Rey said as fear washed over her. She had been strong in the Force, but she had never levitated things by accident. And as far as she knew, neither had Ren.

His face matched her voice, and with a forlorn look, he opened his other arm. It wrapped around her as she mimicked their daughter and pressed her face into his shoulder.

“We need to go see Luke,” Ren said quietly. Rey nodded.

“I didn’t think she’d be so strong…how haven’t we noticed? Why can’t we sense it in the Force?”

“I don’t know…maybe we’ve just become accustomed to it.”

His voice was tentative, and Rey sensed there was something more.

“What is it?”

She felt him swallow and sigh.

“My grandfather…Anakin did the same thing.”

Rey drew back, eyes anxious and breath baited. “But he had no father. Wasn’t legend that he was created by—“

“That’s the legend.”

Rey took Leila from Ren and cuddled her close to her. Ren began to pace.

“Promise me something,” he said suddenly.

“Mamama?” Leila said, and Rey hushed her.

“It’s ok,” she murmured, rubbing the baby’s back. She turned her eyes back to Ren. “What?”

He came closer, placing his hands over hers. “Promise me we won’t send her away. No matter what. She stays with us.”

Rey exhaled. “Of course, Ren. We would never…No. Never.”

His shoulders drooped. “Okay. Okay.”

She let one hand cup his cheek. “We won’t make the same mistakes they did. She’s our daughter, and no matter what, we will teach her ourselves.”

“But what if I’m not…what If I do something wrong?” He said.

“You can’t. You won’t. You’re so careful with her, and you…you’d never hurt her.” Rey said slowly, and then laughed. “You’d never hurt her. What have I been so worried about?”

Ren gave a funny, choked laugh. “That’s what I’ve been trying to _tell_ you.”

Rey kissed him until Leila pulled on her hair, forcing them apart.

“Ok, no more 3-PO,” she sighed. “I’m sorry.”

Ren kissed her again, pushing their daughter’s hand out of Rey’s hair. “Don’t be. You just wanted to keep her safe.”

“Not just her,” Rey said. “Me too.”

“What do you mean?”

Rey bit her lip, shifting the baby to her hip and looking up at him.

“I haven’t let you in. I haven’t trusted you because I’m so afraid of getting hurt again.”

Ren’s smile was a little bitter, but he said, “It’s ok. You have reason to be afraid. I have hurt you.”

She laid her head back against his shoulder. “I want to try. I can be afraid without having any reason to be.”

“Well, I can assure you, I’m not going anywhere.”

She wanted to believe. She wanted to be with him. Fully.

“Let’s use C-3PO one more time,” she said. He looked at her quizzically.

“Why?”

She smiled. “Because I want to be alone with you.” She raised her eyebrow suggestively.

He looked at her, surprised, and then his face slowly crinkled into a smile. He had never been so handsome, his features warm and almost shy. He plucked the baby from her arms and kissed Leila on her forehead.

“I’ll be back in twenty minutes,” he promised.

She beamed at him. “I’ll be the one on the bed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...it's been a while. My bad, guys. I just haven't felt like writing. But I promise to finish this fic. Thanks for all your comments and support!


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first time since the last time ensues, and the parents find out what exactly is going on with their baby.

**Ben**

She was gloriously naked, swaying above him with her breath held. One hand was tangled in her dark waves, the other on her waist in an attempt to push her down. But she, as always, would do things at her own pace. But the gleam in her eyes gave him the reassurance that she wouldn’t tease him, she wanted him just as much as he wanted her.

“Drok it-!” Ben cussed as she enveloped him, her warmth squeezing him and making a painful pleasure shoot through his body. She rocked slowly back and forth on him, inhaling sharply at a certain angle.

“Ren..!” She said, her voice yearning. He reached up for her hips, wanting to satisfy that longing in her voice. But she grabbed his hands instead, lacing their fingers together. Using their grasp for balance, she raised her body and moved carefully at first, but becoming more and more reckless.

His head thrust back against the pillow as he moved inside of her. Or rather, when she moved around him. He wanted more and more and more, but the ache, the waiting, and the hunger felt good. They shared it and suffered together in the bliss.

But soon he couldn’t stand it, and by the way she was clutching his hands, he knew she couldn’t either. He pushed up, holding onto her as to not break their connection, until he was sitting up against the bed frame. There their mouths could meet and breaths could linger as he pushed up into her. He tugged her hips down as he moved and she groaned.

“Rey,” he breathed. “I love you.” He pushed up and said it again. “I love you.  I love you.”

“Ren,” she replied, her arms around his neck and lips on his neck. “Oh, Ren.”

He loved the way her eyelashes fluttered when he hit just the right spot. He loved how she clung to him tightly, as if she was afraid of letting him go. The taste of her skin and the sound of her breath was heaven, a secret he would never share with another soul. She was just for him, and he the same for her. Only she could bring out this part of him.

“Don’t let go,” she panted. “Oh god, don’t let me go.”

He paused his thrusts, reaching up to cup her cheek. “Never, love. Never again.”

“Oh!” She shouted, writhing on top of him, around him. She came like that, and he held her hips down so he could thrust, thrust, thrust into her just a few more times until he exploded inside her.

“Rey!”

It was indescribable. She was everything. It was home, it was truly home. She collapsed onto him, laying down on his sweaty chest. He held her there, happy for once that their bunk made it hard to lie side by side. He liked her so close, like a warm blanket.

“I love you,” she whispered, and he kissed her sweaty brow.

He slipped from her, but it was ok. She was still close, her heart still beating against his.

“I love you too.”

“More than all the planets’ moons?”

He chuckled. “More than all the planets’ moons. In the whole galaxy.”

They laid there, naked. Blissfully at peace. They loved each other. Trusted each other. They had a daughter together.

“Rey?” he asked.

“Hm?”

He paused, wanting to ask the question he had asked before. The one he wanted to ask now because it was right. But he didn’t. Because he knew it was still tender for her. Still too new, this trust.

“Let’s go get our girl.”

~

Luke’s apartments were separated from the rest; his were the run down ones that hadn’t been updated. So although he was on the base with everyone else, he was still isolated from the rest of the people. The pipes leaked, the walls were rusted. Which was good enough for him, it seemed, because he was used to damp conditions and isolation.

Rey didn’t blink an eye at the conditions of Luke’s apartments. Ben did.

“We should have asked him to meet us at our apartment,” Ben hissed, clutching Leila closer to his chest as they made their way into Luke’s main room.

“Why?” Rey said cluelessly, and Ben quickly remembered that she too had lived with Luke for a long time.

“Nevermind,” he grumbled as they sat down on a worn couch.

“I’m surprised you’ve come to see me, Ben,” Luke said. At first, Ben flinched at the use of his name before remembering what he had chosen.

With a clear gaze, he replied, “We need your help…uncle.”

Luke did not look surprised or shocked, merely thoughtful.

“It’s Leila,” Rey burst out. “She’s strong in the Force. She was levitating a toy.”

Luke stroked his beard. “I see.”

Ben was irritated by Luke’s laisser-faire attitude, as he always was. When he was younger and had a problem or an issue, everything was met with Luke’s calm gaze, as if it didn’t matter. Ben had been sensitive, he supposed, but Luke’s lack of concern over the things that mattered to Ben drove him deeper into loneliness and eventually, the dark side.

“It’s serious. She’s so young, not even two yet, and already she has these uncontrollable abilities. She’s so quiet all the time, and we…we don’t know what to do.”

Luke held his hands out for his niece, and carefully, Ben placed her into his gnarled hands. Luke held her gently, and to Ben’s surprise a smile crept onto the old man’s lips.

“She’s beautiful,” he remarked, and Ben’s chest swelled with pride. Leila _was_ beautiful. Her expressive eyes, her dark curls, all of it made her an extraordinarily pretty baby. Their baby.

Rey rubbed the back of her neck. “I guess it’s been a while since you’ve seen her. You don’t venture out of here much, Luke.”

He shrugged, choosing not to answer. Instead, he took the soft, white mooka toy from Leila’s hands. He held it out of reach from her and she started to fuss, grabbing in the air. After a while her fussing turned into cries, but neither parent rushed to soothe her.

Finally, there was a visible tug. Then another. Then the mooka shot into Leila’s hands.

There was a silence, and Ben swallowed dryly. Luke made Leila face him, looking into her hazel eyes.

“You said she doesn’t talk?”

“Hardly at all,” Rey said, taking Ben’s hand. He realized she was scared, and squeezed her hand.

“May I look inside her mind…?” He asked.

“No!” Ben snapped. “No.”

Both Rey and Luke stared at Ben. “I would be gentle…it is possible to be gentle, doing such things.”

This was clearly a jab, at him, and only irritated him further. But Rey clutched at his arms, her eyes narrowed.

“We have to, Ren,” she said lowly. “I want to know what…”

_What’s wrong._

Ben swallowed. “There’s nothing wrong with her.” He said, arguing with no one. “She’s fine.”

He stood and took Leila from Luke, and she clutched onto him instantly.

“Ren!”

He strode out of the apartments with his daughter and Rey following close behind.

“Ren, stop,” Rey begged, and he did. Her voice forced his legs to stop, the soft, yearning tone too tender to defy.

“Ren, we can’t go on like this. If we don’t learn out the situation, we won’t know how to control it.”

“There’s nothing wrong with her.”

Slender fingers grasped his arm. “Ren, this isn’t about you.”

“I know that,” he snapped. “I know.”

“Ren…”

He pressed Leila’s head into his shoulder. “She is our daughter.”

“I know. But we can’t bury our heads in the sand and pretend there’s nothing to worry about here. We have to be responsible. We have to figure this out.”

Rey looked at him with the same hazel stare their daughter had, and he felt himself relenting.

“We won’t let her go?”

Rey nodded, and leaned her head against his arm.

“Alright.”

They reentered Luke’s apartment and after a moment, Ben gave Leila to his uncle.

“Thank you, Ben,” Luke said. But Ben did not reply. All he could do was stare at his daughter as Rey wrapped a hand in his.

Luke gently brushed the dark, wispy curls off Leila’s forehead as she chewed enthusiastically on her toy. The old man closed his eyes and placed his hand on her forehead, and Ben felt the Force begin to move around the pair. With his heart in his throat, he watched as Luke frowned, and as his daughter slowly closed her eyes, almost as if she were sleeping.

Rey’s hand clutched Ben’s, and he tried to comfort her in turn by squeezing her hand. But she too, was quiet and unresponsive.

Finally, after many minutes, both Leila and Luke opened their eyes. Leila reached out her arms to her mother, who took her and cradled her in her arms.

“Well,” Luke began. “I can tell you why she is so quiet and content.”

“Why?” Ben asked. He didn’t want this drawn out, he wanted to know right now.

Luke looked grave. “She has visions. Many of them. She doesn’t cry for her bottle because she’s seen it coming to her in her mind. For now, the visions are very light, normal. She saw Ben coming to see her, she saw you bringing her to me today. She has very little fear regarding these things.”

Rey breathed out a funny little laugh. “But, visions…they can be so…” her eyes took a faraway look and Ben examined her expression. What was she thinking of?

“They can be frightening.” Rey said.

“And they will be, when she is older. For now, her life is small and safe. Nothing that could cause her pain has happened in the near future, or the past.”

“But what about when she’s older?” Ben asked. “The fear…it could lead to the dark side. I know that, and didn’t a vision lead to Anakin’s turn—“

“We mustn’t speak of that to her.” Luke interrupted. “If she learns to fear the future, she could turn to the dark side. You must guide her to accept whatever is coming, good or bad. She has a gift—one that she can use for good. Acceptance, inner peace—these are what she must learn, more than anything else.”

Ben let out a shaky sigh, and Rey pressed her lips to her child’s dark head.

“Well, we can’t ever give her a surprise party,” She quipped, and Ben bit his tongue in irritation. But Luke smiled at Rey’s joke.

“You know, Ben, you too need to find peace with this—“

“Unfortunately, I’m not here for your tutelage,” Ben snapped. Rey grabbed his hand again, but this time her nails dug in as a warning. He took a few deep breaths and reached for his daughter. Her small presence was comforting, and the sweet smell of her focused his mind.

Luke was silent then, grave and reflective again. Rey cleared her throat.

“Thank you Luke, for giving us answers. Now we can…make adjustments. Know what to expect.”

“As she does,” Luke said sagely, nodding to their child, and Rey attempted a smile as Ben and her stood.

“We’ll come back soon,” she promised, which Ben silently protested at.

After they left and reentered their apartment, Rey leaned against the door, closed her eyes and ran her hands of the top of her head, smoothing the hair that was drawn back into her braided bun.

Ben stared at his daughter, sitting on the bed. She did seem content. But what were they to do when she was still too small to understand that the visions she was having—perhaps of the war, or some other gruesome image—weren’t really real and that they had to be accepted?

“What are we going to do?” He asked Rey. Her eyes opened and she raised her brows.

“I wish I knew,” she said. “Maybe we should ask Leia.”

“She doesn’t have many visions,” Ben said, his voice on edge. Yes of course, let’s bring his mother into this. That would make everything _so much better._

“Well?” Rey said, coming to sit next to him on the bed. Leila laughed as he tickled her, oblivious to her parents’ worry.

“Well,” Ben began. “We need to surround her with peace. She can’t have visions of things that don’t happen.”

Rey looked at him like he was crazy.

“You mean just avoid any bad things that could happen? That’s not realistic, Ren.”

He could see it. Away from the war, they could live in a house somewhere living off of all of Ben’s money from the First Order—which was still squirrelled away somewhere, unbeknownst to Rey, who would see it as blood money. He gave her his most convincing look.

“Is it really such a terrible idea?” he wheedled, and she sighed.

“You’re bound into helping them find Hux and to stay on the base. We don’t really have a choice here.”

So they couldn’t run away from their problems, as promising as it was. “Then I will. I will find Hux and end the war, and then we will go somewhere.”

She leaned against him. “Why are you so…you can’t say it like that, as if it would be so simple.”

He wound his arm around her and kept his other around his daughter.

“I would do anything for her. And for you. I will make it that simple.”

Rey rolled her eyes and sighed, but nuzzled her head into his arm.

“I wish it was,” she said quietly.

Ben bit his lip. He would find Hux, and strangle him himself. He’d do anything to stop this war if it meant keeping their daughter safe. He cursed himself for not killing Hux during one of his tempers, or at least after he’d killed Snoke. If only he’d been that perceptive.

“Ren?”

“Hm?”

“Do you think we’ll be able to teach her right?”

He didn’t want to answer, because all his fears screamed at him. But the vulnerability in Rey’s voice steadied his whirling mind.

“We can do it. We will be careful,” he found himself saying.

There was a silence. Then Leila let out a sleepy yawn, so Ben took her and put her to bed. When he returned, Rey was laying down on the bed, curled up and thinking hard. Too hard.

“Rey,” Ren began, wrapping his arms around her waist. “Why don’t you call me Ben…like the others?”

She swallowed, throat dry as she clearly tried to think of an answer.

“You told me not to, remember?” She said lightly, shifting slightly as if testing the circle of his arms.

“Don’t you think that’s changed, now?”

She licked her lips. “I don’t know. Habit.”

He turned her around and looked at her face closely. “Tell me.”

 “I just…don’t know if you’ll be Ben forever.”

Ren’s voice was cold and detached. “You think I will give into the dark and become Kylo Ren again.”

Rey looked up at him, her clear, hazel eyes silent. Ren inhaled deeply and lowly added, “That fear is not unfounded.” His eyes darted to the side, and Rey knew that he was remembering Han, the regret surely washing over him like a wave of pain.

“Hey,” She said, turning his face back firmly to make him look at her. “There was a time when we didn’t love each other. When I hated you.” She watched the pain be made so evident in his eyes and said, “Things change. People change. Nothing is as it was then. It just takes time.”

Ren looked down at her, expression hard before it softened and he pulled her flush against him, pressing his lips to her hair. “You’re right, love.”

“Aren’t I always?” She asked, her smile pressed into his neck.

Her smile was reward enough for him, but then she pressed her lips to his ear.

“I love you, Ben Solo,” she whispered, and a thrill went through him. He rolled her over, eyes locking her into place beneath him.

“Say that again,” he murmured, and she laughed as he kissed her.


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 40th chapter! Hope y'all like, thanks for all the support, it means the world!

**Rey**

In the conference room, things were tense. Leia, having officially retired from her duties after Ben’s trial, was watching Leila as her parents battled it out with the remaining generals.

“He’s on Mustafar, where else would he go?” said one general forcefully. “It’s one of the only planets left with First Order occupation.”

“No!” Ben said, slamming his hand down on the table. “He’ll go back to Arkanis. His family has all kinds of connections there.”

One genal rolled his eyes, and Rey sighed. They’d been at it for hours, trying to figure out where Hux was without any sort of real lead. He had practically disappeared.

“He’d be found by force sensitives left on Arkanis. Surely you couldn’t have killed them all?”

Ben almost snarled, but pulled himself back, his entire posture straightening. “You don’t understand. The Hux family has all kinds of resources, including those that can limit the ability to use the Force. If he wanted to disappear, he’d go to where he’d have the most available resources.”

Rey interrupted the flow of the conversation, which she hadn’t really been participating in. “Fine. Say he’s on Arkanis. What do we do next?”

Ben looked as if he were trying not to smile. “We send in me. I’ll take care of him.”

Luke, who had been sitting silently in the corner, objected. “With no back up? That’s insane. If he does have said resources, you’ll need more than just yourself.”

“We’re not sending him in regardless,” said the head commander.

“Now now,” Luke said. “Let’s not close ourselves to obvious options.”

Rey rolled her eyes. “This is all hypothetical, but why wouldn’t I go?”

Ben looked stiff. “Because we can’t both go. Leila—“

“Has her grandmother,” Rey objected. He glared at her, and for a moment she thought she saw the old, controlling Kylo shimmer in his dark, cold eyes.

But he closed his eyes and opened them again, and she saw that he had regained his sense.

“We have other weapons other than us Force-users,” he said calmly, and everyone in the room relaxed. “What are they?”

~

Later that night, Rey laid in Ben’s arms, thinking about earlier.

“Do you really think he’s in Arkanis?” She asked.

“Yes,” he said, trailing his fingers up and down her bare arm. “I’m almost positive. I can almost feel it.”

She knew he meant by hunch, not by the Force, because she didn’t feel anything.

“We’d have to both go,” she said. “Or neither of us goes.”

She felt the frown against her skin, his normally plush lips pouting.

“Why’s that?”

She sighed and rolled onto her stomach as he laid on his side, looking at her. “Because. You won’t let me go without you, and I won’t let you go without me.”

“But we have Leila to think about,” Ben warned. “We can’t be careless.”

Irritation bubbled in Rey’s stomach. “You think I want to leave my child behind? Like I was left?” She asked angrily.

Ben’s hand cupped her head, his fingers smoothing her hair. “Of course not. I know you feel it’s different because my mother would be with her.”

Rey buried her head in the pillow to try and calm herself. As if she would leave Leila alone, without care or love. Never.

“We don’t have much time,” she said.

Ben’s fingers stopped. “Why do you say that?”

She shrugged. “I just have this feeling of urgency, and I know you. I know you’ve got it in your head that stopping Hux will stop the war—“

“It will.”

“And that it will keep Leila safe and prove to the resistance that you should have your freedom. Therefore granting you all your dreams of finding us some remote hut on some outerworld planet that will never be attacked.”

He laughed a little and grabbed her, cupping her bottom to pull her flush against him.

“So you’ve got me all figured out, hm?”

She frowned against his neck but snuggled into it. “Yes,” she said stubbornly. “You’re actually a simple man.”

“So simple. All I want is you and Leila.”

There was an aching amount of truth in his words. Despite all her misgivings about his motives and his attitude, she knew all he wanted was to keep them safe. He loved them. And she loved that they were the most important thing to him. She had never felt that way before, except with him.

“I want that too,” she said, but he hummed objectingly.

“You want more. You need more. I know that.”

She pulled back to look into his face. “I do not.”

“Yes, you do. You want to work and fly and explore. You need a little adventure. That’s why you keep making fun of my hut idea.”

“Well if you wait around in the same spot for long enough, trouble finds you anyways,” she said.

“You’re right,” he said, sitting up, jostling Rey. “And if we stay here debating about Hux, he’ll eventually strike. And he’ll go straight for us. We are one of the resistance’s best weapons.”

Rey leaned back against the pillow and shrugged. “What do we do? We can’t move without the resistance.”

Dark eyes glittered in Ben’s pale face. “Why can’t we?”

Rey sucked in a breath. “And go against your parole?”

“Rey,” Ben soothed. “You said yourself that we need to move fast.”

“But—“

“Sweetheart,” Ben interrupted. “For Leila.”

She pushed his arm. “Don’t guilt me with her.”

Ben leaned forward and mouthed at her neck. “I don’t need to,” he mumbled.

But she managed to push him off. “Seriously, Ren—I mean, Ben. I need to think about this.”

He leaned back, examining her face. “So think about it. We could tell my mother, leave Leila with her, maybe even tell Luke…”

“And go against everything the resistance worked for.” Rey interjected. She sighed, looking up at the handsome man beside her and brushed her fingers against his cheek.

“You are so much like your father,” she whispered.

He recoiled, shocked and scared. She sat up.

“Ben, wait.”

“No, no, it’s alright,” he assured her. “It’s fine.”

But he wasn’t fine. Hurt echoed in his sensitive features. Rey reached for him and slid her arms around him.

“He’d be so proud of you,” she told him. “Leia would tell you the same if you talked to her.”

“I can’t face her,” he said bitterly. “I’ve taken away everything from her. She’s had to give up everything for me. The resistance, my father, her son. How she must despise me.”

“Ben,” Rey said, startled. “You don’t really think that.”

He looked at her, tortured. “Of course I do.”

She cupped his face with tender fingertips. “She gave up the resistance because she loved you. And she sees this as you returning to her. You’ve got to talk to her.”

“I can’t,” he said. “What if she turns me away?”

“Then we will deal with it,” Rey said. “You can handle it.”

Ren looked as if he’d much rather stay in their warm bed, so Rey gave him a soft, encouraging kiss.

“Go,” she said. “Don’t make her wait any longer.”

**Ben**

He didn’t want to do this. He’d even forgotten to put on a shirt, so as he walked through the halls to his mother’s remote apartments, resistance guards gave him looks. His hands were shaking as he put his fist out to knock.

Leia answered the door with wide eyes. She’d clearly been in bed, dressed in an old-fashioned soft cream bedrobe, hastily tied. Her long brown and grey hair was in one single braid that trailed to her waist.

“Ben,” she said. “What are you doing here? Is Leila alright?”

He swallowed, his mouth and throat dry. He could smell the scent of her perfume, the same one she’d used since he was a child. Notes of something warm, like cinnamon. It took him back to long ago, when she would hold him close and he’d be wrapped up in her safe warmth. Now she was so small before him.

“Mother,” he croaked, ducking his head down, hiding beneath his bangs like a child. Stupid, stupid. He was a man now.

“You’re scaring me, Ben,” she said, and he almost laughed. Nothing seemed to scare his mother. But she had worry in her dark brown eyes.

“Everything’s fine,” he managed. “I just…came to talk.”

Leia did not invite him in immediately. She looked him up and down, her eyes resting on his artificial arm. Then, meeting his eyes, she nodded, and stepped aside to let him in.

Her apartments were just the same. Practical but somehow lavish, they were comfortable and spacious. She had a wall of windows that looked out on the entire base.

She led him in and then sat on the couch, pulling her feet up beneath her like a girl. Ben was distracted by this. Rey never sat like that, preferring to stretch out her legs. It was somehow feminine, and very much like his mother had always been.

He sat across from her awkwardly, clasping his hands on his knees and looking anywhere but at her. He wondered if she would speak, but she didn’t.

For a long while, they sat in silence. Leia didn’t push, and he struggled with what words to say. She did not sigh or tap her fingernails, or yawn. She merely waited. Just as she had been, all this time.

“Mother,” Ben started, then failed. He cleared his throat. Then finally, he met the eyes that were so much like his.

“I came here to say thank you,” he said quietly. “For what you did. And to say…I’m sorry.”

She nodded, those dark brown eyes inscrutable. Ben felt the silence draw out like a string, and suddenly the words came tumbling out of him.

“I’m sorry for everything. Especially…especially dad. I loved him, just like I love you. But I made the wrong choice, even after you gave me another chance and trusted me…even after he trusted me. He tried to save me, to convince me to stay, but I…I killed him. I knew it was wrong, but I still listened to Snoke and did it. I should have never listened to Snoke, but I was so lost, so lonely…I thought you didn’t love me when you sent me away. I thought you thought that I was going to turn out like grandfather which is why you never told me…maybe you did think that. But I see now, that you never stopped loving me…I think.” He paused, looking up at her. “You should despise me. But if Rey is right, then you never did stop. Like I’ll never stop loving Leila.”

It had finally clicked for him. He loved Leila more than anything, and nothing she could ever do would change that. So perhaps…perhaps it was the same with his mother. He felt it, that warm gaze on him, and he locked eyes with her.

She stood, tears in her eyes. Then slowly, she opened her arms.

“Finally,” she breathed. “Finally, you understand.”

He went to her, and even though she was several inches shorter than him, he still felt like it was her wrapping him up in the embrace. He felt accepted, and loved. It washed over him and brought tears to his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he cried into her shoulder. “I’m sorry, Mom. I didn’t want to kill him. I didn’t want to.”

“Shh,” she said. “It can’t be changed now. Your father understands.”

Ben shook his head. “How can he?”

“He just did. He and I never gave up hope, you know. And here you are.”

“Can you forgive me?”

Leia drew back, expression serious. “Of course I can. In time, the pain will fade. But this, this is a good first step.”

They embraced again, and this time he felt Leila sigh against him.

“My Ben, finally come home.” Leia said softly. “Now, everything is right.”

“Almost,” he said, thinking of Hux. “Almost.”

~

Leila reached her first birthday with great fanfare. She smeared cake all over herself with an audience that cooed at her. Chewie bought her her first ship; a small, wheeled thing she could push and go in with her sturdy little legs that had just began walking. Ben watched her with pride as Rey beamed.

“She’ll be a great pilot,” she bragged. Silently, Ben prayed he’d never have to watch his daughter fly away.

She grew prettier, if that were possible. Her hazel eyes sparkled, and her cherubic face began to take on a rounded heart shape—much like her grandmother’s. And to their great relief, she began talking.

She turned out to have a rather good vocabulary. As soon as she began, she used several words rather than just one. She knew mama, daddy, look, yes, no, please, bye. Her voice, like a little bell, was almost always sweet and unhurried.

Yet it wasn’t all she could do.

One night, as Ben was wrestling with their one-year-old, Leila looked up at her and grinned before saying, “Daddy, look!” She screwed her eyes shut and concentrated hard. As soon as she did, Ben’s heart began pound, almost as if he knew what would happen. With his heart in his throat, he watched as a small, discarded sock began to tremble like it was alive. After a few moments, it began to float a few inches from the ground.

Leila opened her eyes and after seeing her father’s expression, let the sock drop. Realizing that he was upsetting his daughter, Ben smiled.

“You’re so clever, love. I didn’t know you could do that!” Leila’s lips broke into a wide smile and she clapped her hand together as Ben leaned forward and kissed the plump cheek.

He swallowed hard and turned out another smile for the toddler. “Can you do it for Mommy?” He asked. When Leila nodded, Ben called, “Rey…come here!”

He had tried to keep the stress from her voice, but Rey’s eyes were narrowed and full of worry when she came into the room. Rey kneeled slowly, with Ben avoiding her eyes. Rey reached out and stroked the little girl’s cheek, asking “What is it?”

Ben bit his lip. “Show Mommy what you can do,” he said, trying to sound encouraging. Again, Leila scrunched up her face, and the sock began to rise. Rey’s mood immediately flipped like a switch, but her face remained composed. Leila’s face was expectant, and Ben touched Rey’s leg to snap her out of her thoughts.

“Look at you,” Rey began, “What a smart girl.” She picked up her daughter and kissed her, making the toddler let out a squeal.

Ben looked at Rey, lips thin. “Isn’t it bedtime?”

She nodded, and she began to hum and head towards her crib. Ben watched them for a moment, the woman and their child, and felt his heart ache. Leila was still so small. What could they do to stop her from frightening other children, or from hurting someone?

What was worse, the First Order was on the rise again. There were rumors. Leila was beginning to have nightmares. She would cry in the middle of the night, inconsolable from the prophetic dreams. Luke watched them and shook his head. They were too piecey, but it was always people running and screaming, in danger.

So, one night, it was decided. They would go take down Hux themselves.


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, school has been absolutely crazy and Ive been struggling with depression. But Ive been feeling better enough to write, and I want to thank you all for being so patient!

**Rey**

“We can’t do this alone,” Rey hissed outside Luke’s door. They had been arguing for about twenty minutes.

“We are not asking him to come along; I don’t even like the idea of you coming.” Ben ran a hand through his hair.

“You just have to be Mr. Hero, don’t you?”

“Well you didn’t like me as the villain,” Ben shot back.

Rey covered her mouth to hide her smile. She couldn’t help it sometimes; Ben was too clever with words. She quickly recovered her frown and took her hand away.

“Well, I’m not going to let you go if Luke doesn’t come,” she said, and Ben snorted.

“Like you could make me stay,” He replied, and she cocked an eyebrow at him.

“Why don’t you let Luke decide?” Came a voice behind the door.

Both Rey and Ben jumped back a bit from the door, and to Rey’s satisfaction, Ben’s face began to color. She gave him a snarky look before pulling the door open to reveal Luke on the other side of the door.

“These walls are as thin as a flimsy,” Luke said lightly, gesturing them inside. Rey wasn’t really embarrassed, she rarely was. But Ben was, the tips of his ears red.

“Well?” Rey asked. “Will you come with us?”

Luke didn’t really answer, instead going to his hot plate to pour himself a cup of tea.

“Would you like a drink?” He said politely.

“No,” Ben growled, and Rey reached for his hand. _Patience._

Luke came back and stroked his unruly beard after he sat down. “So you think you can take down Hux?”

“Yes,” Ben said, but less gruff.

“Alone?”

“We have each other,” Rey said. “And hopefully you.”

Luke turned his blue gaze onto his nephew. “Why don’t you want me to come along?”

Ben shrugged.

Rey sighed. “He just wants you here with Leila, I bet.”

Luke stared at Ben, hard, then drifted his gaze down to Ben’s mechanical arm.

“I think my sister can handle herself,” He said dryly. Ben’s artificial hand clenched into a fist.

“I agree,” Rey said quickly. “We could use you more.”

“Are you nervous, Rey?” Luke asked.

Now it was Rey’s turn to shrug. Truth was that she was nervous. She wanted backup because she didn’t want to get in a situation where they were trapped. But unless they wanted to bring the entire resistance and start a full out battle, Luke was their only option.

“Leia’s on board,” Rey offered, and Ben looked down. They had left Leila with her grandmother only just minutes before, and it had been so hard to let their daughter go. Especially, it seemed, for Ben. His ache was almost tangible through the Force.

“If she’s on board, then I am too.” Luke finally said.

Ben sighed and Rey smiled and clasped Luke’s hand.

“Thank you,” she said, relieved.

Ben stood and walked to the door and then turned around. His eyes were troubled.

“This is a good thing, Ben.” She said. “We need him.”

“We don’t need him.”

“Yes. We do.”

They were locked in a heated gaze for a moment before Luke interrupted them.

“Needed or not, I’m going,” Luke said. “Now, I hope we are taking the Falcon.”

~

Rey was the pilot, although both Luke and Ben were capable. With Leia and Chewie’s blessing, the Falcon was her ship to drive.

Ben came to sit next to her while she drove. He took her hand as soon as they were in hyperspeed.

“I miss her already,” Rey said quietly.

Ben was silent. Rey thought of how resentful he felt, and she couldn’t handle it.

She shook off his hand. “Don’t act like you don’t resent me,” she snapped. He looked surprised, and she felt a little bad.

“I’m not.”

“Ben,” she argued. “I can feel you.”

He sighed and took her hand again, kissing it. “I wish you had stayed behind. This is my mess.”

“What’s yours is mine,” she said, and he frowned. She looked at him, asking, “What?”

“That would be true,” he said lowly. “If we were married.”

She threw her free hand in the air. “You’re bringing this up now?”

“When should I have?” He said mulishly. Gods, he was stubborn. She glared at him openly, but he looked at her out the corner of his eye.

“Not now,” she snapped. “Not when we are about to go on a dangerous mission.”

“I wanted us married before this,” he said dourly. “If we die, I wanted us to be bonded.”

“We have a CHILD!” She said. “We are bonded!”

He rolled his eyes. “It’s unconventional.”

She shut her eyes and leaned against the seat. “Well there’s nothing we can do now.”

There was a moment of silence, and she felt a surprising spark from him. A dangerous spark of…hope? She opened her eyes and looked at him.

He looked guilty. She was immediately suspicious.

“What is it?”

He gave her a sidelong glance. Then he mumbled: “Luke could marry us.”

She went rigid. “What?”

He cleared his throat. “Luke could marry us.”

She began laughing. His brow furrowed and a scowl snared his lips.

“You mean, right now? On this ship?”

He ran a hand through his hair. “It’s where my parents were married.”

“It’s probably where you were conceived, too,” she murmured, and he glared at her.

For a moment, they simply stared at each other before Ben’s face turned pleading.

“Rey,” he began. “Do you want me to get on one knee? Show you the rings? What will it take for you to marry me?”

“I don’t know,” she replied. “I just…rings?”

He blinked, then fumbled with his robes. “I made them ages ago. I thought…I thought I’d do this before now. Properly. But we’ve run out of time.”

He revealed a small metal box. Inside, perched on black velvet, were two golden bands. Rey picked one up, shocked at how light it was. It was made of a material she’d never seen in a piece of jewelry. It was silky soft and practically glowed in the light.

“Is that…?”

“They’re carved from wood. I did it myself.”

It was intricately carved with flowers and vines, and inside it two letters were etched: R.S.

She looked up, and he quickly explained. “For Rey Solo. I thought you’d take my last name, since you don’t have one.”

She said nothing, only handing the ring back. Ben looked crushed.

“Do you dislike them?” He asked. “I can-“

She took the box from him and shifted the Falcon into auto-pilot. Then she took a breath.

“Ben,” she interrupted. “Let’s go get married.”

**Ben**

If he could only remember two days of his entire life, this would be one of them. Obviously, the other was Leila’s birth, but this was a close second.

She wore plain slacks and knee-high boots. A blue undershirt and those same gauzy wraps that she wore the first time he saw her. Leather belt, lightsaber. Her hair was half up, in her classic little bun, and the other half down, waving around her shoulders. She looked perfectly ordinary. Yet she was radiant.

Not a flower or jewel adorned her—nor him—but still, it felt sacred as they took each others hands. Luke, his hood down and beard smoothed down for the occasion, was solemn as they stood before him.

“Are you two sure about this?” Luke asked carefully. “I mean, without witnesses, it technically isn’t legal until we return—”

“I’m sure,” Rey interrupted, and Ben found himself smiling. Luke nodded, looking to Ben for a moment before drawing forth their rings.

“Ben, place this ring on Rey’s finger, and tell her your vows.”

With a slight tremble, Ben took the golden-tan ring from his uncle and slid it onto Rey’s slim, flexible finger.

“Rey, I vow to love you always. To put you and our child first. To be your family. To never abandon or leave you, even when I am angry. I vow to give you everything and anything you need. Or want. I just—” He paused, overcome. “I just want to give you the world.”

Rey was beaming, her wide smile all the light in the room. The hazel in her eyes was bright.

“Now Rey, place this ring on Ben’s finger, and tell him your vows.”

Rey, without hesitation, took the ring and carefully slipped it onto Ben’s hand. Her touch was warm.

“Ben,” she began. “I vow to always love you. To put you and our child first. To be strong when you need me, to be your light when you feel dark. To give you all of myself, even when I am afraid. To ask you for help when I need it. I vow to be with you in the good and the bad.”

He was smiling a large, ridiculous smile. The tips of his ears burned even though it was just them and Luke. It was perfect, somehow. If his mother and Leila would have been there, it would have been better. But still, it was perfect.

“By the power of the Force and that of it invested in me, I pronounce you two husband and wife,” Luke said.

They looked at each other, basking in the moment for a second before their lips crashed together. They kissed and laughed, and held each other for so long that Luke had to clear his throat three times before they separated.

“We’ll be there soon,” Luke said with a small smile. “You two better enjoy the moment.”

Rey and Ben both nodded, and as they walked back to the pilot’s seats, Rey pulled him down to whisper in his ear.

“We’ll have to consummate this when we get back,” she said with a little laugh, and Ben gave her a smirk.

They hurtled through space, holding hands the entire way.

~

It was raining when they landed. This was not uncommon for Arkanis, where sunshine was a rarity. It was nice cover for the Falcon as it landed among the trees, a few miles from Arkansis’ biggest city, Laren. Home to the Hux family and fortune. They began hiking into the city immediately.

It took hours, but finally they reached the heart of the city. They went to a bar near the Hux tower to listen to the gossip.

They had a couple of drinks and found that the word was that there were hidden tunnels beneath the city that were used for black market dealings back in the times of the old Republic that may be used now for hiding. Ben suspected that if the tunnels were real, Hux would be in them.

They finally found an entrance thanks to Rey’s mind tricks and a susceptible Hutt. The tunnels were damp, musky, and quiet. As they crept through the tunnels, their lightsabers out for light, Ben found Rey lingering closer to him than normal.

He found her eyes in the dark and found fear, which was unusual. He probed her mind gently, and found a fear of small, dark places. Rey was used to the wide, open desert, not the damp, dark tunnels. He reached for her hand and took it in his, squeezing lightly. She breathed out and Luke fidgeted behind them, eager for them to continue. Ben inwardly scoffed at the old man’s enthusiasm. Where was it when Kylo Ren ruled the galaxy?

A pang hit him in the chest with that thought. But he wasn’t that man anymore. When this was over, he could hold Rey and Leila in his arms without fear. His hand tightened on his saber. He could smell his daughter’s sweet scent in his mind, feel her laughter shake her body. He reached out, past the tunnels, out into space where Leila was. Was she safe?

He hoped so. He couldn’t feel her, it was too far.

But he could feel Rey, and Luke. And he felt the hard band around Rey’s finger as he held her hand. His wife. Finally, something in him was silenced, some fear that she would leave. He was stronger now. Stronger, with her.

They were ushered forward by a wet wind and light towards the right. Suddenly, there were footsteps, running.

“There’s someone here,” Rey whispered, but the sound echoed through the tunnel. Ben gestured towards the sound and they all began following it.

Soon they became surrounded by crates and crates of supplies. There was bacta, food, water, oxygen tanks, blankets. They paused, looking around and behind the crates.

“Looks like a bunker,” Luke said. “Someone was prepared to be here for a while.”

“Hux,” Ben growled. “I can feel him.”

Luke’s eyes closed. “I feel…something. Are you sure it’s him?”

Ben would know that weasel anywhere. He was close, but he was slipping away.

Suddenly the wind picked up, blowing out from the other side of the tunnel, where they haven’t gone before. Rey sucked in a breath then threw her arm over her mouth.

“Fuel exhaust!” She coughed. “He’s taking off!”

They ran towards the source, only to find a small hangar and an open mouth of a cave leading out into the rain. There were more than a few ships, all encased in rust and filth. Only one had its engine running.

“We can’t let him go into space!” Rey cried. “I’ll disengage the boosters, you two go on inside!”

Ben hesistated. “I won’t leave you!” he yelled, and her eyes narrowed.

“Go!” She said.

Luke touched Ben’s shoulder, and he turned away from him for a moment to take one last look at Rey, who slipped beneath the ship, before turning back to follow him.

They sliced through the locked door and there was a commotion inside the large ship. They found the pilot’s seat empty. Suddenly blaster fire flew through the air. Ben stopped two of the three shots, but Luke groaned and fell to the floor before he could sense the other one.

“Luke!” He breathed, but Luke waved him away.

“It’s just my leg,” he gasped. “Get him. He’s getting away.”

He didn’t hesistate this time. The bastard’s footsteps were running away, towards the gaping hole in the door.

“Coward!” Ben screamed, feeling the dark side lick at him like cold flames. Anger was threatening to overcome him. He had to stay in control, he had to remember Leila. The soft swoosh of her hair, the gentle wrinkles of her palm. Rey’s laugh, and the way she looked at him as they said their vows. He couldn’t give in. Not again.

The boosters cut off the moment Ben jumped from the edge of the ship into the hangar. He ran into the darkness, back into the tunnels. He saw a shape of a man—a coward, not a man—ahead and caught a sheen of copper hair.

Hux was gasping, running fast and turning down different tunnels. But Ren was faster, with longer legs. Hux finally glanced behind him, shooting the blaster sporadically. It was easy to avoid.

“Hux!” Ben yelled. He didn’t stop. He tried to use the force to freeze him, but he was too strung out and unbalanced. He was close enough now to slice him up with his saber, but the temptation to was culled by his need to bring him back alive.

Finally he lunged forward, dropping his saber and tackling Hux to the dirty ground.

Hux gave an animalistic scream as he was forced to the floor, and the blaster shot off a few bolts that went straight into Ben’s robotic arm. For once, Ben was thankful for the metal thing. With his free hand, he took Hux by the neck.

Hux was streaked in filth, barely resembling the dapper general he used to be. But the copper hair, although greasy, was slicked back. Just like before. And he sneered at Ben, just like before.

“You’ve finally found me,” he said. “Did your bitch and baby get boring?”

Before he knew it, he was banging Hux’s head into the dirt floor.  Hux coughed, and blood spit out his mouth.

“Bastard,” Hux managed. “And you call me a coward. If you’re not, then you’ll kill me.”

Ben’s hand tightened around his throat. Hux’s pale lips sneered still, and Ben was dying to smash his brains into the dirt, to spatter his blood all over the walls. Anything to stop that sneer.

“Do it,” Hux said. “Do it!”

The blood was rushing through his ears, and he couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe. He could smell the sourness of Hux’s breath and suddenly he couldn’t remember what Leila’s face looked like.

Hux’s sneer turned even uglier, into a grimace. “Do it!” He screamed.

Then, a wash of calm came over Ben. He could hear Rey’s voice in his ear even though she wasn’t there, saying his name.

_Ben_

_Ben_

_Ben_

“No,” he breathed.

Hux’s face turned to disbelief and Ren reared back, picking Hux up with him by the throat. He began dragging the man through the tunnel. Hux began fighting against him, but Ren was strong enough, calm enough to freeze him with the Force.

“Ben!”

Rey’s voice echoed through the tunnels. They had taken too many turns for Ben to know his way back, so he took a breath and tried to follow her Force signature.

“I’m here, Rey.”

“Are you alright?” Her voice was strained, and for a moment he feared her hurt.

“I’m fine. Are you alright?”

“I’m good. Do you have Hux?”

Ben squeezed the man by the neck and Hux let out a shout. “Got him.”

Finally he found his way back to the hangar. Rey was kneeling by Luke, who she had taken out of the plane. He had a makeshift bandage around his leg.

“Rey, you got cuffs?”

She nodded and grabbed them from her bag. Together, they cuffed Hux’s ankles and wrists, and loaded him onto the plane.

“Luke, can you last until we get to the Falcon?” Ben asked as he helped his uncle onto the plane. Luke nodded.

“I feel like a damn fool,” he said gruffly. “I was no help at all.”

“You needed to be here,” Ben said. “It was the way of the Force.”

Luke looked up at him, his face shocked. “The way of the Force?”

Ben nodded.

Luke looked confused. “What happened to you in that tunnel?”

Ben shrugged, placing Luke on the rickety bench in the old ship. “Something happened. But I don’t know what.”

Rey came onto the ship with her bag. “Boosters reattached. All set to go.”

“Can you fly this thing?” Ben asked.

Rey raised an eyebrow. “My husband should know me better.”


	42. Chapter 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I've posted a deleted scene from this fic on my new Reylo blog, reylover.tumblr.com ! Go check it out and follow me if you have tumblr! Thanks again for all the support, you guys are amazing and your comments really lift me up. Shout out especially to Danielle, whose comment really inspired me to keep writing this week. Thank you!!

The first thing they did when they got back was to go get their daughter. Ben got their first, lifting her out of his mother’s arms, pressing her to his chest. Rey wrapped herself around both of them, kissing her daughter’s downy head.

Leia was greeted properly after that.

“You’ll be happy to know that I smoothed things over with the authorities after you left,” Leia said coyly after Rey hugged her hello. Ben kissed his mother and handed Leila over to Rey.

“Thank you,” Ben said. “Looks like the General still has some power left.”

Leia smirked. “Just a few favors here and there. Besides, many were relieved to hear you went after Hux. They just didn’t have the balls to fight for it.”

Ben shook his head and smiled a little. His mother would never change.

He felt Leia’s wrinkled hands cup his cheeks. He looked up into her dark brown eyes and she smiled. “Something is different about you,” she said. “You feel…calmer.”

He shrugged. “I’ll tell you about it later,” he said, avoiding Rey’s curious stare.

“Dada,” Leila said. “Mama.”

“Yes darling,” Rey said, her attention shifting to their daughter. “We’re here. We promise never to leave you again.”

All Ben wanted to do was return to their little apartment and cuddle with his wife and daughter. But there was Hux. And if he knew Hux, he knew that they would need him to make him talk.

Rey offered to go with him, but he knew she was aching to keep Leila in her arms, so he refused her. He kissed her goodbye and watched her walk away, Leila in tow. Leia squeezed his arm and walked away.

~

Hux had not been given a shower, and in the light, he looked even worse. But the tilt of the chin, the thinness of his lips was all Hux. Behind the mirrored glass, Ben watched him for a few minutes, testing out the new calmness of the waters of his mind. Would it last?

“Are you ready?” Luke asked him. Ben nodded.

The generals and commanders that had gathered behind them were all set to watch behind the glass. They were nervous about letting Ben go in alone, which is why Luke was going too. They had already tried to get Hux to talk, but he was as silent as the dead.

Ben walked in the door after his uncle and Hux looked up. For a moment, there was fear. Then there was only a sneer.

“They’ve got you on a leash, Ren?” He said, but Ben didn’t respond. He didn’t need to. He still felt calm, centered.

“Where are the last troops hidden?” Luke asked. “Where are the archives of First Order information?”

Hux ignores him. He is only focused on Ben. Ben inwardly scoffs. Predictable.

“We can do this the hard way if you want, Hux,” Ben says, outstretching his hand. It’s a bluff, but Hux doesn’t know that. He doesn’t know how he recoils from the thought of invading another’s mind like that, especially Hux’s.

Hux looks nervous and lean back in his chair. “I see they let you do whatever you want then. Or is that only when dealing with your former comrades?”

Ben barks out a sort of laugh. “Comrades? We hated each other from the start, Hux. Are you so desperate that you’ll amount us to friends?”

Hux glared at Ben. “You may pretend to be some hero now, but don’t forget how many times I’ve seen you kill. How many times I had to clean up your little messes. Go ahead, peek into my mind. Will you like what you see? Or rather…will your new friends like it?”

Luke shifted and Ben felt him looking at him. There was truth in Hux’s words. The weasel was clever.

So Ben shrugged and gave Hux a cold look. “And if I don’t like what I see, I may just eradicate the source,” he said coolly.

Luke was uncomfortable now, but he clearly understood that Ben knew how to handle Hux, so he didn’t interfere. All he said was, “They may spare your life if you willingly give up information.”

Suddenly Hux paid attention to Luke, his pale eyes bright and fierce. Then Ben understood: the weasel was afraid to die.

“Give me something to stop you from killing you right now,” Ben said, leaning towards Hux. Smelling his fear. It was familiar, beckoning to him from the dark side. He sat back, but kept his gaze on Hux.

Hux swallowed. Then his eyes slid to the side. “I want a deal. I want him to promise me my life,” he said, nodding towards Luke.

“No,” Ben said shortly. He raised his hand, and Hux flinched.

“Talk.”

Hux took a breath, then raised his chin. “The last troops are on Lothal. The archives are on Ryloth. What else do you want to know?”

Ben leaned forward. “How did you know about my child?”

Hux scoffed, his eyes cold and disgusted. “We monitored the girl. Watched her grow. When you snuck off for the child’s birth, we already knew all about it. You aren’t subtle, Ren.”

He took a breath. “And then?”

Hux gave a smile. “Snoke wanted it. But you killed him before the plans could be laid. But that didn’t stop me.”

Ben’s blood went cold. “What do you mean?”

Hux’s smile grew bigger. “Your knights were so restless. They loved a suggestion from me.”

Ben stared Hux down. “Are you telling me the knights are after my baby?”

“Oh,” Hux chuckled. “I wouldn’t doubt it. They held such a grudge against their deserting master…”

Ben’s hand shot out, but it was not his Force that surrounded Hux’s throat. It was Luke’s.

Luke was out of his seat, his arm outstreatched. Hux began making choking noises until Ben grabbed at Luke’s arm, stopping his concentration.

“Luke, don’t! We need more information!”

Luke stopped and shook his head. “I don’t know what came over me. I don’t—”

Hux coughed and then looked up through a tendril of greasy hair. “You’ll never stop them. Good luck protecting your little freak when she’s hunted by the most lethal group in the galaxy!”

The door opened just as Ben felt the dark side wash over him.

Luke grabbed Ben’s arm and dragged him out. “Let’s go. He won’t talk anymore tonight.”

Once they were outside with the door shut, they were surrounded by talking generals.

“If she’s a target then they need to move-“

“Our defenses are still tenuous as it is-“

“We need people on route to Ryloth and Lothal right now-“

Luke laid his hand on Ben’s shoulder. “Go home. Be with Rey. I’ll deal with this.”

Ben locked eyes with his uncle. “Thank you,” he said, and slipped out the door.

~

When he entered their apartment Rey was taking Leila out of the fresher, straight from a bath. Ben went to her and took her immediately, relived.

“Hey,” Rey said. “How’d it go?”

Her smile faded as she read his energy.

“Later,” Ben said. “I’ll put her to bed.”

“Are you sure?” Rey asked, placing her hands over his.

“I’m sure.” He said, and somehow Rey understood.

Leila babbled a bit as Ren took her into her room. He was so glad she was beginning to talk more. She was still such a serious toddler, rarely smiling at anyone but her parents, Leia, and Chewbacca. But Ben adored her more than life itself. He didn’t care if she was quiet or solemn. She was _his._ She was the love between Rey and him. She was a whole quirky little being. She was perfect.

He cradled her close against his chest and her pudgy hand tugged at his hair. She loved his hair. Hers was like his, but softer, sweeter. It smelled like the gentle soap they used to bathe her. Sweet and clean. Innocent.

Leia reported no more nightmares while they were gone. He hoped it was the end of it, but he doubted it with what was coming. But he couldn’t think of that now.

“Sleep, sunshine,” Ben murmured, sitting down in the gliding chair they used to rock her to sleep. She nuzzled into his neck and he hummed a comforting little song. Her wet hair left a damp spot on his shirt, but he didn’t mind.

“Dada,” she said, and he looked down at her.

“What is it, sweetheart?”

She pressed her little palm to his bare neck and he felt her Force. He placed his hand over her small one and used the Force to press back. Leila’s eyes closed and he felt her relax. She was asleep in minutes.

“Don’t worry, sweetheart,” Ben murmured. “Daddy will always keep you safe. Daddy will always protect you.”

**Rey**

Ben didn’t come to bed, and Rey got worried. But all she found was him asleep with Leila in his arms and she didn’t have the heart to wake him.

She went back to bed, but she was lonely for Ben and found it hard to go back to sleep. Something was wrong with him, she knew that. He had been calm, settled, at balance when they had found Hux. But after that, after he returned, he was the opposite.

She fell asleep worrying.

~

The next morning she awoke to a soft weight being placed on her. It crawled up and cooed in her ear. Rey smiled and turned towards the weight.

“Hi Leila,” Rey said, gathering up her child in her arms. Ben stood over them, but his face was void of emotion. She held Leila close and kissed her forehead.

“Is it later yet?” Rey asked.

Ben nodded, his face grave.

He sat down on the bed and ran his hand through his hair.

“What did Hux say?” Rey asked gently.

Ben was quiet for a moment. “He sent the Knights of Ren after Leila.”

Rey was silent.

“No,” she finally said. Ben and her locked eyes. He must have felt her rage, her anguish, because he didn’t reply.

She buried her face in Leila’s hair and began to weep. She knew she needed to be strong but she was terrified, terrified.

“Oh god,” she whispered.

The Knights of Ren were feared throughout the galaxy. Rey had never heard of them before the resistance because they were only known to Force users. And they were deadly to them. They never left a Force-sensitive survivor. Only those without the Force lived to tell the tale, and to vow revenge. The Resistance was full of them. Their tales were heartbreaking.

Rey would not let them have her baby.

“What do we do?” She asked Ben, searching his eyes for answers.

“We hide,” he said. “And pick them off one by one. Only separated can we beat them.”

“Us? But what about Leila?”

Ben shrugged. “One of us will have to stay behind.”

Rey bristled. “And I suppose you think that should be me.”

Ben frowned. “This is my doing, not yours.”

“You’re too unbalanced, Ren. I should go.”

“You are still mainly untrained!”

“You would take too many risks and get yourself killed!”

Ben’s face contorted. “Well who could she live without? You, her mother, or me, her dark, brooding father?”

Rey immediately felt bad. “Oh Ben, how can you think that? She couldn’t do without either of us.”

“Then who goes?”

Rey sighed. “I don’t know.”

“Let’s talk to Luke and Leia,” he offered.

She nodded, but still felt unsettled. She got up and paced a little as Leila wiggled to be set down. But Rey was unwilling to let her go.

“Here, go take a sanisteam,” Ben said, offering to take her.

Rey gave her to him reluctantly. “How are you so…?”

“I may be unbalanced, but I am determined. No one will take our child.”

She looked at her strong, beautiful husband and went to him, wrapping her arms around him and their child both. She was so grateful for them.

~

After breakfast they went to Leia, and Luke joined them shortly after.

“Of course you’ll need to go into hiding,” Leia said somberly. “And neither of you should hunt down the knights.”

Rey frowned. “Then how—”

Luke interrupted her. “Leia and I will go after them.”

Ben stood up. “No. No way.”

“Now Ben,” Leia began.

“No. This is my issue. This is my fault.”

“Ben, you can’t take responsibility for this. This was done because of a twisted man wanting to torture you,” Luke said.

“Well maybe I deserve it.”

“Hush,” Rey snapped, and Leila looked up from the floor, a little crease in her brow.

“Mama?” she asked, and Rey felt her reach out in the Force.

“It’s fine, sweetheart,” Rey soothed.

Ben sighed. “We can’t let you do this.”

“Why?” Luke asked. “We aren’t doing anything of use. Why not protect my niece?”

“And my granddaughter,” Leia added.

“But you’re old,” Ben said bluntly, and Rey hit him on the arm.

“Ben!”

“Ben Organa Solo,” Leia said, sitting up straight. “Where is your arm?”

Ben flushed, and Rey gave a small smile.

“You chopped it off,” he mumbled, and his bangs hid his eyes.

“Then I don’t think it’ll be a problem.”

“Leia,” Rey said. “I still think it’d be too dangerous.”

Leia fixed her with a look. “It’s happening. You two need to pack your things. Let me watch Leila, and let Chewie fly you out when you’re ready.”

Rey swallowed. “We don’t want to be any trouble…” she mumbled. This kind of self-sacrifice…the amount of love she felt…it was unlike anything she had ever felt before. _Family._

Leia took her hand and looked her straight in the eye. “It will be trouble. But it’s worth doing, and that’s good enough for me.”

Rey smiled, and Leia smiled back before sitting up straight in her chair.

“Then it’s settled.”

~

They made it into their room before their lips crashed together in a bruising kiss. Clothes were thrown to the steel floor without a thought, and Rey howled the moment Ben licked a stripe up her center. She rode his face with gasp after gasp, and groaned when he withdrew from her.

“Rey,” he murmured, wiping her off his face with his wrist. She grabbed him and pulled him down for a searing kiss, not caring a lick that she could taste herself on his tongue. They fumbled for each other’s hands and then suddenly with one thrust he was inside her.

She cried out at the feeling of being filled, and he went slow but hard, drawing himself out to the very tip of his rock hard, leaking member before thrusting in again.

“Rey, Rey, Rey,” he muttered until she grabbed him by his hair and forced him to look at her, really look at her.

“Ben,” she whispered. “Oh Ben, I’m so scared.”

She saw his eyes fill and his thrusts slowed even further. He rested his forehead on hers.

“I am too, sweetheart,” he murmured. “But I won’t let anything happen to you or Leila.”

Rey nodded and squeezed his hands tight. “I know. But what if—”

“We can’t think of that now,” he interrupted, determination set in mouth. “We can’t ever think that way, or we won’t ever live.”

His thrusts increased now, and she found herself getting lost in the feeling. He opened up his mind to hers and she breathed a sigh of relief as she felt his overwhelming love and shared fear flow into her. She couldn’t feel alone when he was so closely bonded with her.

“I won’t let you think that way,” he breathed into her ear, kissing her cheek briefly before rubbing his pubic bone against her in a way that made her squeal.

“Oh, there--!”

He was going faster and harder than before, and she felt as if she was running and couldn’t catch her breath from the constant stabs of pleasure she felt. She came in huge rush of emotion, and he followed her quickly, stilling but still throbbing inside her as he came.

She closed her eyes and felt nothing but relief and love for the man inside her. The intense fear was gone; all that was left was sheer determination. No one would harm this man again, and no one would touch her baby.

Ben wrapped his arms around her and rolled her over to the side. Still inside her, they laid in a tangle of arms and legs so closely intertwined that their chests rose and fell together.

“Better?” he asked, and she nodded.

She nuzzled against his bare skin and inhaled deeply to take in the scent of him. It was intoxicating and calmly, as familiar to her as her own scent.

He sighed; they could not stay like this for long. They needed to pack and find a place to stay. They needed to say goodbye to their friends and family. But for the moment, they simply held each other.


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra long chapter for the wait y'all had to endure, and for Christmas for those who celebrate it! I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday season. I want to thank Jinga and Damian Arballo for their wonderful comments which really just fueled my fire. Thank you to everyone who reads, extra thanks for comments and kudos! I'm so happy to share this story with you. Please leave comments telling me what you think!

~

**Rey**

“I have a bad feeling about this,” Finn said.

Rey pulled him into a tight hug, ignoring the pit in her stomach. He hugged her back, just as tight, but she could tell it was not from affection. It was from fear.

“Let me come with you,” Finn pled. “I know Kylo doesn’t like me, but—”

“It’s Ben,” Rey interrupted. “And I can take care of myself.”

Finn sighed, running his hand over his close cropped hair. His dark skin shown in the light of dawn, for they were just about to leave. He was the last goodbye.

“Rey, when are you going to start letting people help you?” Finn asked.

Rey frowned, her hazel eyes narrowing. “I am. If it was up to Ben, we’d be out hunting the knights ourselves. And I always have him to lean on.”

Finn let out a groan of frustration. “Fine. When are you going to let me help you?”

Rey’s expression softened and she realized she had neglected her friend. Having a family, fighting the First Order—Finn had been standing on the sidelines.

She remembered the heat of the day when she first met Finn. She remembers the smell of sweat and the shifting sand beneath her feet. The stale taste of old water in her mouth. The thrill of meeting him, and stealing the _Falcon._ His hand in hers, pulling her to safety even though she hadn’t wanted it then, hadn’t known or felt a friend before.

“Finn, you give me strength just by existing,” She said. “I could have never done any of this without you. You were the beginning of everything. So just…stay safe. I know if I needed you, you’d be there. That gives me all the help I need.”

Finn looked at her through pained dark eyes, then wrapped her up in another large hug.

“I’ll miss you, peanut.”

“I’ll miss you too.”

**Ben**

They flew out to Devaron, a forest planet full of pine trees and large mountains. They settled in a small cabin near one of the mountain towns. Ben was nervous—he wanted to cut his hair, dye Rey’s, anything to hide them from the knights. But Rey assured him he was being ridiculous, and they stayed the way they were.

Ben was fraught with nerves. All he wanted to do was hold his daughter and wife close to him. Leila squirmed out of his grasp many times during the day. Rey said nothing when he began letting Leila into their bed at night. She said nothing when he held her in his lap while she watched holovids and played on her datapad. But when he began wrapping his arms around her while she was trying to fix up their ship, she drew the line.

“Ben, love, relax.”

“I can’t, Rey. I can’t sit inside waiting for a knight to come and ruin our lives.”

Rey’s patience was thin. “Then find something to do, you silly man! And not smothering Leila. She’s fine.”

He strode off angrily and slashed at some hardy trees for a while. But the need returned to him and he snuck back into the cabin to try and find his baby. Rey was wrong—Leila needed him close. She had been napping during their conversation, and was still doing so when he returned to the house.

Damn it. He wanted to hold her, smell that sweet scent of his child, but if she woke up Rey would kill him. Leila didn’t sleep well all the time because of the prophetic dreams she had.

He looked around the rustic room and frowned. It was not the comfortable, child friendly room she had had at the Resistance base. It only had one small window, and Rey had hung a blanket over it to dim the light for Leila’s nap.

He left that room and went into the main room and looked around. It was dark and bare. He didn’t like having his family here, and felt angry at the world for forcing him to hole away his family like this. He had once been Kylo Ren, commander of the First Order. He remembered the lush sheets, the decadent food at his disposal.

His family was living like rats, hiding out in the forest. It made his blood boil.

That day he began sawing through the logs, making more windows and fashioning more furniture out of old junk and wood. It kept his hands busy, but his mind kept spinning out frightening scenarios. Nothing could stop them.

Rey seemed content with his new hobby, and encouraged him. Leila toddled around the house, her eyes wide and wondering as she watched her father drag in a new table, a new chair.

But something was off. Ben couldn’t figure it out. Somehow, Rey was different. Quieter, almost dreamier. Softer. She smelled so sweet and enticing. Like always he wanted to touch her, love her, but lately he had the strangest urge to just be near her. Leila, with her large, serious hazel eyes too clung and snuggled into her mother’s embrace, often falling asleep in her arms like she was still an infant.

It was only when he saw her expectant face when she returned to their home from town one afternoon that he finally understood.

“I’m pregnant,” she whispered, face barely containing her joy. Ben, who had been holding their daughter on his knee, stood, his expression completely shocked. Then he embraced her with his free arm, kissing her face all over.

“How? Are you sure?” He asked, pulling back to look her in the eye. She nodded, smiling her bright smile once more and he leaned forward to kiss her. Leila began to squirm in his arm.

“Stop,” she pouted, pushing her father’s chin away from Rey. “Preg-nant?”

Rey took one of their daughter’s little hands in hers and said, “It means mama is going to have a baby. A little brother or sister.”

Unexpectedly, Leila’s face drew serious. Her eyes scanned her mother’s face.

“Baby,” the little girl said, suddenly smiling. “Babies.” Rey looked at Ren and then burst out laughing.

“I know, we love babies.” Rey said, covering her mouth as Leila looked confused. Ren patted the little girl’s back as she burrowed into him and only smiled.

“I forgot to get the shot before we left,” Rey confessed.

“It’s all right,” Ren assured her.

“Are you happy?” Rey asked Ren, shifting on her feet.

Raising his eyebrows, surprised, he replied, “Of course I am. I couldn’t be happier.” He drew Rey close again and rested his head on hers. But deep inside, he felt warning, dark premonition begin to swell. He kept his walls up, guarded so she couldn’t feel his emotions through the Force. She didn’t need his fears bleeding into her happiness.

~

**Rey**

There was nothing to see yet, but she loved rubbing her hands on her stomach. She hadn’t suspected for very long, because as soon as the thought occurred to her that she might be pregnant she hurried to get a test.

The look on Ren’s face had been just as good as before. Maybe even better, because this time there was no worry in her belly. He would be with her every step of the way this time.

Leila hadn’t displayed any jealousy yet, but she was still on her own for now. Still, the little girl never seemed to forget about the coming baby, saying good morning and goodnight to it every day. Their almost two year old never ceased to amuse them, becoming curious about the nature of babies. She had even made Ren blush when the little girl had asked him where the baby came from. Rey enjoyed seeing him stammer through that one.

One morning as they lazily laid in bed, still half asleep and waiting for the creak of the door that announced Leila’s awakening, Ben planted a kiss on Rey’s shoulder and lazily traced patterns across the flat plane of her stomach.

“Do you think it will be a girl, or a boy? You were right last time,” he asked.

Rey closed her eyes and tried to focus on how she felt, but couldn’t get a good read.

“I don’t know. Maybe it’s too early,” she replied. He hummed in response and she watched the morning sunlight stream through their light curtains that rustled with a warm breeze. It played on Ren’s hair, lighting up a few dark red highlights among the onyx. His eyes were closed and his chiseled features looked like marble in the soft morning light.

His dark eyes, a contrast to the light of his skin, opened and stared right back at her.

“You’re beautiful,” he told her. She smiled lightly at him.

“I was just thinking about how striking you looked,” she admitted.

He humphed a bit but raised himself to kiss her. His long finger sneakily began to slip the straps of her shirt down her shoulders, but when she opened her mouth to scold him he silenced her with a kiss.

Once the shirt had been pushed down to the bottom of her torso, he touched her breasts with the very tips of his fingers. She sucked in a breath between kisses and her eyelashes fluttered as he truly began to take hold and caress them gently. Her hands slid up the hard planes of his chest and grasped onto his shirt. Her eyes closed and gods, she basked in the feeling of him palming her breasts so perfectly. He pushed on her chest and she fell back amongst the pillows.

He slipped her shirt off her shoulders and down to her stomach to reveal her breasts, and small as they were, he gazed at them lovingly before placing delicate kisses on them. He took one tender nipple in his mouth and _sucked_ and gods, it felt good. So good.

“Be careful,” Rey panted. “They are a little sore.”

He lapped at each breast carefully, swirling his tongue until they were stiffly peaked. Then he worked his way down her chest to her stomach, and upon finding the annoying band of her shirt still there, ripped it off her.

“Hey!” Rey protested. “That was a good shirt!”

“I’ll buy you another,” Ben said carelessly, waving his fingers to force her back onto her back.

“Wasteful,” she grumbled, but not for long. For he was stripping off her pants and spreading her legs.

His first lick made her spine shiver. The next made her moan.

“Oh, Ben, you don’t have to,” she groaned, trying to be considerate. He raised his face from her apex, licking those soft, plush, red lips.

“Yes, I do,” he said solemnly. “I must taste you. I must pleasure you. I want to feel you coming apart on my tongue. Understand?”

She nodded breathlessly, eyes wide at his forcefulness. He smiled a little smugly, leaving her cunt to come up and kiss her passionately. She could taste herself on his lips, but she didn’t mind. All she minded is that this couldn’t last forever.

He drew back and gave her one last peck before heading down to continue what he had started. He resumed licking and teasing her with his tongue and lips and even his teeth. She felt herself building up to her climax and let her hands tangle into his black waves. Her breasts heaved as she panted for air, trying to fight the need to come right then and there.

“Ben…Ben…BEN!” She shrieked, coming apart and bursting into nothing but pleasure.

He kept teasing her until she physically pushed him away, dragging him back up her body to kiss him.

He cradled her in his arms and gave her plenty of kisses. She finally pulled away, gasping for breath.

Still, she managed a devilish smile and slid her hand down to his hard length. “Should I return the favor?” She asked.

He shook his head, his eyes serious. “It was no favor. I owed you that.”

She wanted to protest, to feel that turgid length on her tongue, in her mouth, but he distracted her with his words. “What do you mean? You don’t owe me anything.”

He rose up and placed a hand on her soft stomach. “I owe you everything. You brought me in from the dark. You gave me your love. You’re giving me children.”

She kissed him to muffle his speech. “Yes, but you gave me your love, and I couldn’t make those children without you.”

He shrugged. “I did not carry them like you did, and I was not the one who carried hope for us in your heart all that time. You are my backbone, my light in the darkness, my future.”

He said all this with his dark eyes as serious as the first time her said he loved her. With the same sincerity. She pressed her lips to his, looking up at him with a heart nearly bursting at the seams with happiness. Yes, this was right. Everything was perfect.

“I love you,” she simply replied.

“I know,” he said.

~

**Ben**

She was so excited about the baby that she insisted on telling Leia and Luke immediately. In person. They were at the Corillian base, stopping there to check in and rest while still searching for the knights. To Ben’s relief, two had been found and disposed of. Luke and Leia were the fastest, but they were powerful.

 Without speaking it, both Rey and Ben wanted to get their advice. Leila was growing older, and her power stronger. Soon they’d have a new child to raise. Secretly he was frustrated at his inability to teach their daughter anything. He saw the potential and felt the urge to help her harness it, but fear and distrust of himself made him draw back. Power was too enticing, and his skills would always be tainted with a stain of the dark. He had vowed only to use the Force to protect his family, and no more. It was too much of a slippery slope.

Rey comforted him in his quiet moments of anger and regret, her face set into the worried but determined look that she wore too often.

He wondered how many more times her words and touch would soothe them. Was there a limit?

As usual, the answers seemed to lie with his mother and uncle, his uncle especially. He himself had struggled with the dark. Ben knew his uncle would most likely never trust him again, or even warm to him like he had been when Ben was younger. But, at the very least for Rey, he would help Ben any way he could. And for that, Ben was grateful, and tried not to be grudging.

All this laid on his mind as Rey landed the ship down on the dock, the twins two figures drawing near. They looked peaceful enough upon the landing, but when the three descended down the ramp, with Rey holding Leila’s hand, their expressions changed. Ben watched as his mother’s eyes widen and Luke’s become troubled. His brow furrowed and Leia looked at her brother with an intense expression. Ben’s heart beat fast, but he only became confused when he saw that their stare was not at him, but at Rey.

Rey beamed at them at first, but it slipped right off when she saw what Ben saw.

“What’s wrong?” She asked, drawing Leila closer. She looked over at Ben as if to confirm his wellbeing. “Is everything alright?”

Luke hesitated, but Ben’s mother broke out, “You’re pregnant.”

Ben drew forward, anger building in his chest as he slipped an arm around Rey. “Yes. Is there a reason that you seem to think this is a bad thing?” It was one thing for him to brood about it; but for his mother and uncle to be upset? Something was afoot.

Leila pulled away and ran to her grandmother, who laid her hand on the girl’s dark head.

“No, no, it’s good. Wonderful. It’s just…”

“It’s very powerful,” Luke said, looking at the plane of Rey’s stomach. “In fact, it isn’t one, it’s two.”

Leia’s sharp eyes found Ben’s. “Twins.”

His lips parted, but no words manifested. Somehow, he was beginning to sense the significance of this. Leila was already force sensitive, but the child—no, children—that were just beginning to form were drawn into a line of fate. Twins, which began and grew together, were often like yin and yang if force-sensitive. No pair of twins had never had only one able to manipulate the Force while the other could not. The balance was a careful one, and as with Luke and Leia, could have been tipped by fate. But they had both been able to defy it, although Luke admitted it had been close as he had watched the Emperor manipulate his father and friends.

So, as usual, his mother and uncle were wary, concerned about the balance of the Force.

Something snapped within Ben as he felt Rey’s confusion and dismay. “Could you have not worried about the world for one second and just been happy for us? Our children don’t yet have fingers and you already are ready to foresee them turning to the dark side.”

Rey’s eyes were sharply green as she looked at him, gaping a little, but Ren refused to soften his resolve.

“Ben,” his mother began, “We are happy. But the children, who are sure to be powerful—“

“Hush,” he interrupted, striding forward to scoop up his daughter from her grip on her grandmother’s pants. “We came here to share happy news with you and to ask your advice, not for your archaic legends and dark fears. You think I would let my child be influenced by the dark side? So that history will repeat itself?”

Leia’s eyes snapped up to him and she stepped close to him, her chin held high to meet his eye.

“You think I did not think and feel the exact same thing you do? Don’t you know how much I denied what I sensed in you? You were good, but you felt the pull. We all do, but even so young it was too much for you. I tried everything I could, for my son whom I loved more than anything, but it wasn’t enough.”

“It was a mistake, and you know it,” Ben hissed, causing his daughter to whimper.

“It was, you were too young and only drove you closer to Snoke. But even if we hadn’t, do you think that you, a young and naïve child would be able to ignore the call completely? Look me in the eye and tell me that your father and I could have stopped you if things had been different.”

Ben paused, then looked away, unable to reply. His frustration clawed at him, and only Leila in his shaking arms was keeping him calm.

“Stop it,” Rey cut in. “I won’t listen to this arguing again. Their fears are valid, Ben, but it doesn’t mean that we have to devote our lives to it. Fear leads to the dark side! We should have some kind of hope!”

Luke nodded sagely and his sister drew back a bit, relaxing her shoulders. “Rey is right,” Luke added. “We cannot pay heed to the fear or anger that dwells inside us all. These children are a blessing, and it will be fate and the children themselves who will decide their path.”

Leia held out her hand to Rey, who went into the woman’s arms. “More grandchildren will always be a good thing,” she said. “I’m sorry,” she directed at Ben.

He nodded and let Leia take Leila from his arms so she could coo over her. Rey, after giving a concerned glance to Ben, began to walk towards the building with Leia. Ben however, walked behind them with his Uncle.

“You dwell on the past and the future,” Luke said quietly. “You must enjoy and concentrate on the present.”

“How can I?” Ben asked bitterly. “My children carry the blood of both the dark and the light. We are being hunted down by my own knights. Have I tainted them before their first breath?”

“Everyone has both,” Luke replied quietly. “And if your mother and I stand as any kind of example that one’s father does not determine their nature, then let it be so.”

Ren sighed, watching Rey’s slim back sway as she walked side by side with Leia. “I don’t want to toss the dice,” he said, his voice dark and heavy. “I want to lead them down the right path, not watch and hope for the best.”

“Think of it not as a game of chance,” Luke suggested. “Think of it more as stacking blocks. You cannot control the way the wind blows or how hard, but with a strong core and some luck, it will keep the stack strong.”

Ben merely shrugged as they followed the women into the large, spacious main room of the building. He wouldn’t let himself believe that things would go in their favor, but he did feel better. Just as he had vowed before, he would give his children the best of what he could give. He would show them the way of the light, even if he could not lead them himself. He would tread carefully as to not show them the dark or it’s pull on him. He would watch and shield them from any influence. Their soft, small bodies would never be scarred with the marks of anger and fear. They would grow to be just like Rey. He saw the strong, golden-skinned people his children would be, as resilient and unswayable as their mother. As Ren had never been.

Rey must have sensed his despondency, because she curled up in his arms early that night.

“Are you still happy?” She whispered.

“Yes,” he lied. “Are you?”

She nodded. He pressed a kiss to her head, eyes on the still, sleeping body of his daughter in a small bed on the other end of the room.

“Our children will be the best of both of us,” Rey murmured. “I know it.”

He didn’t tell her how little of himself that he wanted reflected back at him, just nodding instead.

“I look forward to this,” Ben told her. “I will never be able to make up for lost time, but I am eager to experience this with you. I will be able to give you whatever you need,” he said, kissing her fingertips. “I will be there for every milestone and for every dark spot.”

Rey seemed more relaxed now, for despite her reassurances to him, he had suspected the unrest within her. “Twins do need a lot of care, I think,” she said softly. “But it will be much easier with both of us.”

“We can even let my mother get some sleep,” Ben mumbled, and Rey laughed.

“You must always be grateful,” she reminded him. “I couldn’t have done it without her.”

“I know,” Ben replied quietly. “I am always in debt.”

Rey looked up from her place on his chest and kissed him. “Not to me,” she whispered. “You may have been a pain in the ass, but you give me so much.”

“Not as much as I take,” Ben argued. He leaned on her so much.

“More than you know,” Rey sighed.

He looked at her curiously, and stroked her cheek. “I love you, Rey.”

“I love you too, Ben.”

~

He awoke in the night, bare chest gleaming with sweat. “Rey!” He cried out, and she awoke with a start.

“Ben??” She said, reaching for his shaking body. He turned into her and buried his face into the crook of her neck. She smelled like all of his good memories, of love and a faint sweetness.

“What is it?” She asked, but he said nothing, hating himself for his weakness. But that dream…so much blood.

“Ben, you’re scaring me.”

She probed at him with the Force and he was caught off guard. She felt his anger, his pain, his fear. With a gasp, she recoiled from him.

“You don’t want the babies,” she said, horror creeping into her tone.

“Stop, no,” he said, grabbing her shoulders. “I want as many children as you’ll give me. But I’m scared, Rey.”

“Of what, Ben?” she asked. “Luke and Leia are hunting down the knights.”

“I’m afraid of losing my children,” Ben said quietly. “To death, and to the dark side.”

Rey’s eyes were full of emotion as she gently laid a hand on his shoulder. “Ben…”

He pulled her into his lap and closed his eyes, burying his nose in her sweet smelling hair. She held on tightly, and sighed.

“Fear leads to the dark side,” Rey said quietly. “Anakin—”

“I know.”

She was silent for a moment. “Padme knew of his premonitions. But she wasn’t afraid.”

“She didn’t have the Force,” Ben reminded her.

“Everyone has the Force,” Rey replied. “Luke taught me that. Some are just—”

“Stronger than others,” He finished. “I remember.”

She cupped his face. “Then you know Padme could have become someone like…like Hux. No Force, but still dark.”

He nodded quietly. “I understand. But I can’t stop feeling this fear, Rey.”

She looked at him with wide hazel eyes, her heart shaped face so beautiful.

“What do you need to do, Ben?”

He sighed and shook his head.

“You know what you need to do,” she said, her voice small.

He wished everyone understood him like Rey did.

“I have to go hunt down the knights,” he said quietly. “I don’t want my children hunted before they are even born.”

Rey pressed her face into his neck, and he could feel the wet tears begin to slide down his skin.

“Darling,” he murmured, but Rey just shook her head.

“I don’t want you to go,” She said. “What if you’re killed?”

“I won’t.” He said simply. “It is not an option.”

She pulled back, eyes snapping green. “You do not dictate fate.”

He soothingly rubbed her back. “I do not, but I would rather die and take the knights down with me than live and let my family live in fear.”

Rey mouthed the words “my family” as a tear rolled down her cheek. Ren kissed the place where the tear lay.

“Sweetheart,” he murmured against her skin. She began to sob, and he held her tightly against him.

“I hate watching you leave,” She cried, and he pressed his lips against her temple.

“I promise when I return, I will never leave you again.”

She nodded and pressed a hand to her belly.

“Promise me you’ll be back before they are born,” she demanded.

He nodded. “I promise.” He was there for Leila’s birth, and he would not miss the birth of his twins either.

She tightened her lithe arms around his neck and pressed her lips to his, hard. It was a bruising kiss, meant to leave his soft lips swollen and tender. So he would be marked by her, so he would have the reminder. He returned her kiss, and they slowed into something less passionate and more sweet. She tasted of sleep and he tried to remember this.

A loud cry separated them. Their sobbing toddler forced Ben to jump up and away from his first love to go to his second. Rey got to Leila first, but when she picked her up she screamed and lunged in Rey’s arms for her father.

“Daddy! Daddy!” She cried, and Rey swiftly gave her to Ben. But still, Leila was not soothed. She clutched her father’s neck and sobbed into his shoulder.

“She must have had a vision of you leaving,” Rey said nervously. “Or…”

She left the sentence open, but Ben knew what she was saying. That perhaps Leila had seen something worse happen to Ben because of it.

“There’s only one way to find out,” Ben said, looking pleadingly at Rey.

“No. We will take her to Luke,” she said stubbornly. “I don’t want to do that to her, and I know you don’t either.”

Ben sighed. “You’re right,” he said, taking her waist with his free arm and drawing her in. She leaned against him and he tried to burn this moment into his memory—the feeling of being whole, with his family, and also the sorrow they felt. Both would call him home and urge him on.


	44. Chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long! Previous Chapter Recap: After living in seclusion while Luke and Leia hunted down the knights, Rey discovers she is pregnant with twins. They return to the Coreillian Base to tell Luke and Leia the news, where Ben has a bad dream and decides he must hunt down the knights himself. Leila too has a bad dream, and Rey and Ben decide to take her to Luke to see what her vision entailed.

**Rey**

Rey felt useless and irritable. Ben was apologetic and soothing, but it did not matter. Her love was leaving her again. She couldn’t believe it. A part of her was horribly still and in shock, ready to burst at any moment. Otherwise, she was numb and frightened. She didn’t want to get left behind again. Hux was supposed to be their last trip away, and they had done it together. Damn him to Hell. She curled up with Leila as Ben went for a sanisteam, but not before he had kissed them both.

Leila looked at her with her serious eyes and played with her mother’s hair. Rey picked her up and kissed her plump cheeks, but still the little girl did not smile.

“Daddy go,” Leila said sadly, and Rey sighed.

“I know,” She told Leila. “But he will come back.”

Leila sniffed and went for Rey’s neck, squeezing her closely with a death like grip.

“It’s ok,” Rey soothed. “Mommy will be here. And Nana. And Uncle Luke.”

Leila did not respond, only wanting her mother to hold her. Rey hummed a little lullaby and rocked her baby, ignoring the dread inside of her.

They took her to Luke after Ben got out of the sanisteamer, and explained Ben’s plan to him. Rey and Leila were very quiet, and Leila would only let Luke touch her if Ben was still holding her.

Luke probed her mind and sighed softly. When he came out of it, both parents looked at him with held breaths.

“It’s unclear,” Luke said. “The leaving is very set, but after that, it’s just glimpses of pain and fear. And Rey’s voice, calling out for you, Ben.”

Rey felt herself pale and Luke reached out and touched her hand. “It could simply be you during labor,” he soothed.

Ben too was unsettled. “How do we stop this? She woke up crying.”

Luke shook his head. “You can’t. But I would begin training her now.”

“What?” Rey asked. “She’s still just a baby!”

“A toddler, more like it,” Luke replied. “And she is intelligent. I mean some light training so she can mimic you. And you must not react to her visions with anything but calmness, or she will learn that her visions are upsetting things.”

Leila sucked her thumb while watching Luke from her father’s shoulder. Her wide hazel eyes were curious. Rey placed a protective hand on the soft curve of her back.

“And when are you leaving on this chase, Ben?” Luke asked.

“Tonight,” Ben answered, and Rey looked at him, alarmed. So soon?

Ben felt her alarm and met her eyes with a look meant to soothe, although it did nothing to help Rey’s nerves. Rey reached up and took their child from his arms to cuddle Leila close in an effort to calm herself. But inside, her heart ran fast and wild.

She knew Ben was set on this. He wanted to leave now and return as fast as he could. But Rey wanted everything to slow down for just a moment, so they could breathe and achieve that sense of normalcy they had finally gained. Rey cursed herself for ever leaving their little cabin in the forest—maybe then Ben wouldn’t be leaving now.

“You will stay here with Luke and Leia, won’t you?” Ben said, and she knew him enough by now to know he wasn’t really asking her. He wanted her and Leila in the safest place possible, and even though their little cabin was secluded, and Rey was strong, Ben would feel better knowing that Rey would be with others who could protect her and Leila. Besides, Rey knew she’d be less lonely here at the base.

She nodded, and Ben pressed a kiss to her head. Luke sighed.

“Then I guess it’s settled,” he said quietly. “Unless…you’d let me go with you, Ben?”

Rey’s eyes widened in surprise, for Luke and Ben’s relationship was not a close one. For Luke to offer…it was very kind. Ben too looked surprised, thought about it, then shook his head.

“I’d feel better knowing you were here with them,” he told Luke. Rey frowned and shifted Leila to her hip.

“Well, I’d feel better if Luke was with you,” She said strongly, and Ben frowned.

“But Rey—”

“There are hundreds of people on this base,” Rey argued. “More than a few will be happy to protect me and Leila. I don’t need a guard. Don’t forget how I have fought, Ben Solo.”

Ben touched his scar, the one the leapt over his eye and across his face and then nodded. No, he would not forget. Rey would make sure of that. She was not helpless, not even while pregnant. She had served in the war while pregnant with Leila, had repaired hundreds of fighters for the resistance. She did not intend on simply laying around, waiting for Luke and Finn and Poe and Chewie and Leia to come to her aid. No, that was not the person she was. And Ben knew that.

“I will take Luke,” Ben said. “But you must be careful, Rey. No fighting, lots of rest. You are carrying twins. It will be different this time.”

Rey bit back her pride and nodded, gazing up at him with her lips firmly pressed together. “It will be different this time,” she replied. “Because you will be home before I give birth. I know it.”

“I will certainly try,” Ben said, and Luke nodded thoughtfully.

“We must speak to Leia about this before we depart,” Luke said. “She will be disappointed to be cut out of the fight.”

Ben rubbed his face and looked tired. Rey felt his trepidation at disappointing his mother and smiled a little; even as a man, he still was mother’s son. They all began walking towards Leia’s quarters.

Ben caught her smiling and looped his arm around her waist. Rey welcomed his touch, knowing she would be denied of it soon. But thinking that made her a bit teary, and she stopped mid-corridor.

“I think I’ll take Leila back to our quarters,” she said quietly. “You two can tell Leia. I’ll go pack Ben’s things.”

Ben was frowning, clearly not wanting to be parted from them, but Luke merely nodded. Rey needed a moment without Ben, for she’d fear she’d burst if she didn’t. So Ben kissed her and Leila—who was also unhappy to be parted from her father—and they went on their way.

Back at their small quarters, Rey put Leila in her play pen with a few toys and left the door open. Then slowly she began folding Ben’s clothes into a bag. She felt a choking sensation in her throat, and her hands froze when she spotted a wet spot on the shirt she was folding. Without her noticing, tears had began to slip down her face. She quietly sat down on the bed they had shared and let herself cry into her hands. She tried to be as silent as possible, as to not alarm Leila. The tears were hot and wet on her cheeks, and she was ashamed of crying like this. She didn’t want Ben to see her like this. She didn’t want anyone to see her like this, weak and vulnerable.

She finished crying and wiped the tears from her face. She felt very small and tired. She went into Leila’s nursery and checked on her little girl, who looked up at her solemnly with wide hazel eyes. Rey picked her up and snuggled Leila into her shoulder. She was grateful for her little sunbeam, not only because without her she’d be lonely, but also because Leila was the sweetest, most precious little girl in the universe.

“Mama sad?” Leila asked, and Rey wondered if Leila could read her feelings. She quickly shielded them and shook her head at her little girl.

“Mama’s ok,” she assured her. “Don’t worry.”

They cuddled for a little bit before Rey put Leila on the bed and began folding Ben’s clothes again. She included a little holo of the three of them, along with a soft toy of Leila’s in case Ben missed her.

The door to the room slid open and Ben stepped into the room. He saw Rey’s red eyes and the packed bag and drew her to him and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“Uhn!” Leila grunted. “Daddy!” She held her arms out to him and whined a little, and Ben obliged quickly, lifting her into the air and wiggling her to make her smile.

“Hi sweetheart,” Ben said to her. “Don’t grow any while I am gone.”

Rey turned away from the two, blinking back tears, but shielding her feelings from Ben. He didn’t say much, only that Luke had gone to prepare a ship. He spent a little time with Leila, playing with her and reading her a story before his comm beeped. Rey’s throat swelled again, but she said nothing when he took her hand to head towards the hangar.

Rey’s eyes flickered over Ben’s tense expression, his eyes focused ahead. Leila, safely tucked into his shoulder, was quiet as well. Rey suspected she sensed the mood. Luke was right—Leila needed trained, and Rey would have to be careful. She was powerful and clever—and just a toddler. Rey guessed they were lucky that Leila wasn’t prone to tantrums.

They reached the hangar and saw the ship. Chewie was there, checking the ship down. Leia was there, speaking to Luke quietly. Ben went to the two and kissed his mother goodbye. Luke did the same, then headed over to Rey, who was standing alone apart from it all. Luke smiled at Rey, who tried to smile back.

“I’ll take care of him,” Luke said quietly, and Rey reached out to wrap her arms around Luke.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

Luke went up the ramp after saying goodbye to Chewie. Ben looked over to Rey, and she felt her heart drop. He slowly walked over to her and kissed Leila’s dark head before handing her over to Rey. Leila clung to his shirt and began to cry.

“Daddy no go,” Leila sobbed, and Ben tenderly cupped the little girls face and kissed her chubby cheeks again.

“I’ll be back soon, sunshine,” he soothed, and Leila buried her face into Rey’s neck. Rey rubbed Leila’s back before casting her eyes up at Ben. He looked down at her, his expression unreadable. But she reached out, and she realized his feelings mirrored hers almost exactly. The fear, the sadness, the loneliness, the anger. He didn’t want to leave her.

Their eyes locked and Rey tried to stop hers from filling with tears—stupid pregnancy hormones. Ben tipped her chin up with his long fingers and kissed her softly, sweetly. A tear spilled out from Rey’s eyes and down her cheek, but Ben wiped it away when they pulled apart.

“I love you,” he said, and Rey nodded.

“I love you too,” she replied.

He kissed her once more and his lips lingered, soft and plush against hers. But then he pulled back and walked away.

Chewie came to Rey and draped his long, furry arm around her and Leila.

 _“He’ll be back. Don’t cry.”_ Chewie said, and Rey nodded.

“I know,” she said, but she was comforted by Chewie’s presence.

The ship took off, and with a blink, they were in hyperspace—and gone.

~

The first few weeks were the hardest. The cool forest of Oren did nothing but irritate Rey—it was too much like the forests of Naboo, where she and Ben had gone on so many walks together. And in the second week, it began to rain. Pour. It was endless, rarely stopping. Everything was wet and cold except for her little apartments with a bed that seemed too big. She began tucking Leila in beside her every night, partly because she missed Ben, but also because Leila kept having nightmares. Without Luke, Rey couldn’t see them, but she suspected they were of Ben. Or rather, she feared.

She spent a lot of time with Leia, who was missing both her son and her brother, and also her role in the resistance. Since she had saved Ben’s life during his trial and stepped down, she had helped Luke track down Hux and the Knights. Now, without that, Rey sensed an aimlessness about her, like there was something missing.

When she asked about it, Leia merely laughed.

“I’ve been serving the Resistance and the New Republic since I was 16,” she said. “You’d think I’d be tired of it by now, but I haven’t. Now I suspect I am feeling a little aimless.”

Leia leaned down to lift her granddaughter off the floor of her apartments and into her lap, showing Rey the intricacy of her braided hair.

“But now I just have more time to spend with my favorite girl,” she said, cuddling the pale little girl. Rey smiled at the woman across from her and reached for her hand. Leia let her take her hand and smiled at her, the women united in their love.

Meanwhile, Rey was working in the hangar on the fighters and following Hux’s trial. The hangar was full of friendly people, but it was damp and dim most of the time. Leila spent the time with her grandmother, who had begun teaching her a few Force tricks, like levitating small objects and pushing against Leia’s palm. Hux’s trial was turning out to be longer than expected—because the list of his atrocities was so long, and each one had to be discussed and then presided over. It made Rey sick to hear them, but she was determined to see the man suffer. And suffer, he was. He had grown a shaggy ginger beard and his eyes had taken on a wild, haunted look. From the holos sent out, Hux was not affected by the body counts or the descriptions of torture that he signed off on. He was affected by his loss of control. The longer he went imprisoned by the Resistance, watching the First Order crumble, the more out of his mind Hux seemed.

Rey was a bit fascinated, her heart hard as she remembered Hux’s sneer when he showed her the stormtrooper children. As she curled up in bed beside her little one, watching the holos of the trial while rain slid down the window outside, she felt a longing for Ben. She could ignore it most of the time, but at night when Leila was asleep and Rey watched the trial, she couldn’t help but think of those days aboard the _Finalizer_ , when their relationship was first blooming. It was scary for a multitude of reasons, and it wasn’t healthy at the beginning. But now they trusted each other, and there was a difference in their love. It was no longer the fiery, unstable blade of Kylo Ren’s lightsaber—it glowed steady and warm, like Rey’s.

Her stomach began to swell, much faster than it had with Leila. Leila herself was fascinated by her mother’s shrinking lap, placing her hands on Rey’s belly constantly and laying her head against it sweetly. Rey was horribly curious if Leila had had a vision of the babies—whether they were girls, boys, both, if they were healthy, what they would look like. But Leila only smiled when Rey sat her little girl down and asked if she had seen them.

So once again Rey donned her oversized jumpsuit and began leading a life similar to the one she had when she was pregnant with Leila. Working on the ships, being worried over by her friends. Only this time she had her little shadow, who, when not with her grandmother, was by her mother’s side. She toddled around the ships as Rey did her initial inspections, sat on the bench beside Rey in the cafeteria, walked hand and hand with her down the long, narrow corridors. It never felt like Rey was alone, though. She knew Ben was out there, protecting them the best way he knew how; and her friends surrounded her, creating a bubble of love and safety around mother and daughter. Rey loved to see her daughter hoisted on the shoulders of “Uncle Poe” and tucked safely in the long, furry arms of Chewbacca, who had temporarily declared the base his home. Rey watched, fascinated, as Leia demonstrated her Force abilities with an elegant wave of her fingers to teach Leila. Soon enough, everything in their apartment was levitatable to the little girl, and Rey sometimes found herself being pushed by a small, weak hand of the Force when Leila was mad at her.

“She has excellent control for her age,” Leia remarked one evening over a glass of Corellian wine while Rey sipped at some juice.

“Will she be able to gain control over her visions?” Rey asked hopefully, but Leia shook her head.

“It’s doubtful,” she said. “Anakin Skywalker never did. But it is said that Yoda saw the betrayal of Order 66 before it was issued.”

Rey nodded and sipped her juice, her feet drawn up beneath her. She often spoke with Leia in the evenings like this, dreading the emptiness of the apartment. She watched her daughter close her eyes and reach towards her sippy cup on the table. A little furrow appeared on the small, dark brow before the cup of blue milk flew into her hand. She sucked at it happily and went back to playing with her toys.

“I don’t want them to affect her,” Rey said worriedly, but Leia just sighed.

“It’s the will of the Force, dear. Best to trust in it.”

Rey nodded, but her heart wasn’t in it. She didn’t care about the Force’s will. She cared about her daughter.

She reached down and picked up the little girl, who frowned up at her mother in protest.

“Time to go home,” Rey said tiredly as Leila began to squirm. “You’ve been yawning for ten minutes.”

Leia cracked a smile at that, and they said their goodbyes. After they both had a sanisteam and were smelling sweetly of soap, Rey tucked Leila in and got up to get her datapad across the room. She paused at the window, looking up not at the three moons, but at the stars. Idly, she wondered if Ben could see the same ones she could.

~

**Ben**

It wasn’t easy at first. The killing. Of the four knights left, two were found within the first three months. Luke, who had never been good at sensing presences, bemoaned Leia’s absence, for she had a knack for it. But still, they managed to track down Halan Ren and Dartrak Ren and after a fierce battle, disposed of them.

The first found, Halan, made Ren sick to see go down. His stomach roiled and he remembered Laled, a blond boy who loved to swim and was only 16 when they joined Snoke. Dartrak was easier to kill. She had been Karea, with black braids and deep tan skin, and she had always clashed with Ben as a child at the temple. He knew following him had been hard for her. But the thought of her touching his child made slicing her in half a much smoother strike.

When they finally found Embler Ren, Ben’s hand did not tremble. He briefly remembered the face of a green-skinned, white haired male named Trelm, but it only made him angrier. How dare he think of Rey and Leila as a target? How dare he hunt them down like animals? If he wanted an animal, that’s who he would get—Ben , like a dreadanian tiger, smeared the blood of his kill with his boot over the ground and left his corpse for Luke to deal with. As he walked back into the ship, he reached up automatically, and then froze with his fingers just below his own jaw.

He had been searching for the release button of his mask.

Shame overwhelmed him. Had he become Kylo Ren again? Sweat trickled down his covered back uncomfortably, and he shivered and retreated back into the bunk room, where he sat down on one and covered his face with his hands.

Was he losing himself again? The kills had gotten easier, his anger had gotten worse. Luke had not commented on his barbs and short temper, but now, reexamining their conversations, Ben realized that Luke had been on the receiving end of a lot of Ben’s angry fits.

Ben had assumed that it was the absence of the calming Rey that had him so worked up and on edge; but no, it was never that simple. The truth was that he was a monster through and through, now retreating back into his natural state without his family. He cursed himself, then swore colorfully in a hoarse whisper.

If he could, he would contact Rey. But the last knight may be tracking his communications, which is why he had not dared to send her a message yet, even after all these months. Surely her voice, the barest bit of her voice would bring him back. He could stay Ben; he had to. Kylo Ren was a monster that needed to be locked away forever inside of Ben. Ben was a father, a lover, a husband. Kylo Ren was a killer.

What if he hadn’t reached for that latch on his helmet without thinking? What if he had let himself delve deeper into the recesses of himself, letting out the monster within? He could not return to Rey as such a creature. He could not hold his children with such bloody hands.

He hated himself. And he wept. He wept for the boy he could have been had Snoke not cultivated the roots of his blood; he wept for the man he could have been if he had not let his anger blossom. He wept for his children, surely cursed with his dirty Skywalker blood. Such a pretty name for such an ugly curse. He could dream that Rey’s balance would bring them to the light, but he already knew that it would not be so. He saw so much of himself in Leila. From her solemnity to the dark roots of her hair, she was his child. And already so powerful…was there any saving grace for them all? Or would he simply be dragging them all down to Hell with him?

No, he had to snap out of this. _Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering._

Where had he heard that before?

He didn’t want them to suffer.

He was letting his fear grasp him with it’s sharpest talons. He could not breathe in the enticing smoke of his fears—like a cancer stick, it was sweet but deadly.

There was only one thing he knew he could do. He waited until he heard Luke come up the ramp into the pilots wing, where Ben joined him.

“Set course for Coreillia,” Ben said before Luke could even strip off his singed, bloodied cloak. “We need to stop by home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An EXTRA special thanks to Spaceygracie for her amazing review, as well as Miss Tomato, for giving me that last burst of encouragement I needed to finish this chapter--and start the next-- with her reviews of the entire story. Special shoutout to ReyloRobyn2011 as well, for being sweet and an inspiration on Tumblr--although I'm too shy to approach her! Kisses to all of you who read and review. I adore y'all.
> 
> Follow me on tumblr at Alicecantescape!


	45. Chapter 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter...? Within the same month...? I can't...believe it. The muse bug has bitten me hard. If only I had more time to write! But school consumes me ;-; Thanks for the continued support! You guys are stars in my eyes. Shout out to Shadow1 for their sweet review. My heart lurches everytime I see a comment! Thanks loves <3 Follow me on tumblr at Alicecantescape, and make sure to say hi!!

**Rey**

Rey was working on a large fighter when she felt him. Her head darted up and she felt a stirring in her stomach, as if her babies noticed it too. She was in her huge coveralls, covered in grease, but it was the furthest thought in her mind. She ran towards the opening and waited, her senses sharp.

Behind her, she heard Poe calling her name.

“Rey! There’s an incoming ship! It’s—”

“I know!” She called. Then, quietly, to herself: “I know.”

His sleek ship came into view as it came out of hyperspace, then closer until it landed. The air blew fast, causing tears to rise in her eyes. She raised her arm to shield her eyes from the wind as it touched down, and her heart was beating fast. Ben hadn’t sent a message saying that it was all clear, so why was here? Had he forgotten? Was he just too eager to come home? Either way, Rey was so, so grateful just to feel his presence, know he was whole and alive.

The ramp immediately lowered and she ran up it, meeting him halfway. She threw herself into his arms, her large stomach the only thing separating them. Tears, real tears this time, rose in her eyes as she felt his presence all around her and smelled the scent of him.

“Ben. Oh Ben. Tell me it’s over, please.”

She felt him shake his head and her heart sank. Her tears spilled over—pregnancy hormones, damn them—and she pressed her eyes into his shirt.

“Darling.” He murmured into her hair. “I couldn’t wait any longer. I needed to come home. Just for a night. I was…losing myself.”

She leaned back and then their lips met, and she sighed into the kiss. So good, so comforting, so _right._ His plush lips were home to her now, but she sensed a hesitancy in him that she longed to explore. He was calm now, but he was holding something deep down inside of him.

They held each other for a long moment there on the ramp. Suddenly, there was a clearing of the throat. Luke stood above them, leaning against the side of the ship. Rey smiled and waved at her old master, who waved back. Ben drew back and took her hand.

“Where’s Leila?” He asked, his eyes grazing over her stomach, widening as they saw how big she was.

“With Leia.” Rey said, tilting her head up to steal another kiss quickly. “I’m sure she felt you, though.”

Ben looked over her head and nodded, his dark brow lifting. “I think you’re right.”

At the doors opening to the rest of the base stood Leia, their child sitting against her hip. Even with all the noise, they could hear Leila’s squeal.

“Daddy!”

Her excitement was palpable as she wiggled and struggled against Leia’s hold as the three made their way down the ramp and across the hangar.

Ben let go of Rey’s hand in order to take his little girl from his mother, who received a quick kiss on the cheek. Leila wrapped herself around her daddy, laying her head on his shoulder and closing her eyes.

“Daddy,” she whispered.

Rey accepted Luke’s hug and then went straight into Ben’s arms. He held both her and Leila together for a moment until the sound of running steps interrupted them.

Poe, beaming, ran up to them. “Ben! You’re back. Does that mean all the Knights of Ren are dead?”

Ben’s expression turned guarded as he shook his head, as though he feared rejection from Poe. But Poe merely shrugged his shoulders and shook his head. “Slippery bastards. You’ll get em.”

Ben nodded. “I will,” he vowed. “But for now, I just…” He seemed at a loss for words.

“Wanted to check on his whale wife,” Rey interjected with a smile. Everyone but Ben laughed—he frowned at her teasing.

She rubbed his back comfortingly. Poe smiled widely and tossed back his hair.

“Go on then,” Poe said. “It doesn’t sound like you have much time then.”

Ben nodded gratefully and Rey smiled hesistantly. Something was wrong with Ben—she could feel the tightness of his muscles, sense the dread in his heart. But when he turned to look at her, she saw only relief in his eyes.

**Ben**

He played with Leila for the rest of the night while Rey sat nearby and rubbed her stomach, her eyes fond as she watched them. Leila was understandably clingy, but when Ben met Rey’s eyes, he knew she understood that he needed this time with their daughter and that later they would have time together.

Leila had grown too fast in the months he had been gone. Her black curls reached her back, and her hazel eyes sparkled when she laughed, just like her mother. Although her laughter was still rare, it was every bit just as precious to Ben.

She spoke much more now. “Daddy, play babies,” she instructed, and Ben obediently moved his doll next to hers, making it dance.

“Show daddy your tricks,” Rey urged, smiling. Leila bounced excitedly and wiggled her fingers as her little doll rose in the air. Her little pink tongue stuck out as she concentrated, and the doll fell soon after it rose.

Ben’s heart thudded as Leila’s eyes met his. He swallowed and smiled, reaching out to cup her sweet cheek in his large hand. “Good job, sweetheart. You’re such a smart girl.”

Leila beamed at him, reminding him, again, of her mother. Maybe she wasn’t so much like him after all.

~

Later, after Leila was finally asleep, Ben was in the fresher brushing his teeth when he felt warm hands slip around his torso.

He leaned down and spit as he felt Rey lean her head against his back.

“Ben,” she said, quietly, like a prayer.

He turned around and held Rey against him tightly. She was softer now, even more so than she was with Leila. Ben liked it. No, he loved it.

He remembered the first time he held her. In the forest on Takodana, dressed in her desert rags. She smelled of herself back then, but also of sand and sweat—like hard desperation and fear. Now she smelled of nothing but soap and the sweetness of pine with just a hint of ship oil. It was unmistakably Rey, but it spoke volumes—she was cared for and safe now. Safe to be more than sharp eyes and angles, sweat and hard work. He loved that she felt safe. He would fight tooth and nail to keep it that way.

“You’re so beautiful,” he told her as she looked up at him with her bright, hazel eyes. Her tan cheeks turned a dusky pink as she flashed him a quick smile.

“I’m huge, Ben.” She told him. “I know I’m not—”

“Stop,” he interrupted. “Anyone could see how exquisite you are. And the fact that you are heavy with my children…just makes you more attractive.”

She sighed and looped her arms around his neck. “Maybe to you.”

He kissed her long and slow, enjoying the taste of her. The words he had spoken were true. She and Leila were all he thought about, all he wanted. When he was lonely or tired or hungry, he didn’t think about food or a bed, he thought about them.

It was a technique from his darker days. He used to think exclusively about his goals or the things that made him angry to spur him on, to push him farther. He’d go days without sleep or food easily, thinking only of his goals and anger. Now it was easy to slip back into that way of thinking, of living.

But not this second. Now, he could breathe. Leila was sleeping in just the other room, and Rey—Rey was _here._

He pressed his lips to the long column of her neck.

“Is it safe?” He mumbled as he heard her sharp intake of breath, followed by a longing sigh.

“Is what safe?”

He smiled and let his lips drift to the bottom of her neck. “For us to make love. Is it safe, with the babies?”

“Oh. I…I think so.”

Ben lifted his hand towards the bedroom, beckoning Rey’s datapad to him with the Force. Rey watched him as he quickly did a search before confirming that her hunch was correct.

He pressed his lips to hers hard enough to bruise, which seemed to surprise her. His hands on her were so gentle, but his mouth was demanding, hard and desperate. She melted into his kiss, which he thoroughly enjoyed. She was usually not so lenient—her mouth always nipping and pressing his back in a fight for dominance. But it had been too long—he was already rock hard and she, panting with desire. She pushed him back just enough to strip off the old shirt of his she wore to bed, leaving her only in underwear right there in the fresher.

But as desperate as they both were, he didn’t want this to be hard, mindless rutting. Sex with Rey was always good no matter what the mood, but he needed something more. He wanted to hold her for ages, to watch her writhe and her expression change as he pleasured her. He wanted her gasp to echo in his ears, he wanted her to look at him with that certain, love lost expression as she said his name. He needed her to say his name a million times so that every time he thought of himself, he could hear her voice caressing the syllables, making him feel so loved.

So he backed her up into the other small room up to the edge of the bed. The scratchy wool cover was not luxurious enough for her sweet skin, so he stripped it off before laying her down on the sheets. She watched him with soft eyes as he stripped himself down to nothing—he was no longer embarrassed of his prosthetic arm or of his pale scars. Not with her. He couldn’t be afraid of that with her. Rejection was not an option in her eyes—not even a thought.

He had intended to get on his knees before her and worship her properly, but she lifted her arms out as if she wanted to wrap them around him. So he settled between her thighs and knelt down over her so their eyes could meet only an inch apart, their shared breath warming both their lips as he hovered over her. They kissed briefly, but the carnal lust was no longer what this was about.

“What is, Ben?” she asked softly. “I see pain in your eyes.”

“Only because I cannot stay with you,” he promised, although that was not the whole truth. The truth was he still held much fear in his heart—fear he wanted to chase away with this. His kills had not brought him peace; it seemed only she could do that.

“I’ve longed to hear your voice,” Rey admitted quietly. “I’m so glad to hear it now.”

He was warmed from her words, the tips of his ears turning hot. He pressed his forehead to hers. “I love you Rey,” he said slowly, drawing the words out in his deep voice. “Will you let me in, sweetheart?”

She nodded, briefly closing her eyes to allow her mind to open to his. They didn’t do this often—they both valued the privacy of their own thoughts too much. But when they did, it was whole and healing.

Her mind, as always, was blinding. Her thoughts were faster than his, flickering like candles from one to the next. He chased one as she thought back to a different night, in the rain, when they had first made love. He sought out the sorrow and fear attached to it, looking to examine the memory, but she brushed him away from it.

“It is a good memory,” she whispered. “Don’t look for the bad.”

Then it was her turn to rifle through his thoughts. She was careful, although he sensed her deep curiosity. But instead he found her focusing on a calm, unremarkable morning where the sun had shone through the windows of their little cabin just a few months ago, when he had awoken her with a kiss. There was a deep sereneness to the memory, and he felt her longing to get back to that.

Outside their minds, she drew him into a deep kiss. He tried to slide away from her, just to go to pleasure her with his mouth as he had planned, but he did not move an inch before her arms tightened around him.

“Oh Ben,” she sighed. “I’m ready. I’ve been ready. Just take me, please.”

He simply looked at her, examining her eyes and feelings, trying to understand her urgency. She threaded her fingers through his dark hair and kissed him lightly.

“I want you,” she said, but it was in her mind where he found his assurance. He found the nights she lay alone while Leila slept beside her as she watched Hux’s trial, remembering his and how close she came to losing him. She had fear now, that their present would continue into the future—that she would be left to raise their children alone. She, the fearless one, the strong one, was as afraid as he was. And she needed this joining as much as he. They both needed to find themselves in each other.

So he tore her underwear in half, right down the front, in order to get it off of her. Her eyes sparkled with that same indignant fire he’d seen the first time he had done this. Their mouths clashed together and he kissed her without abandon. He could feel the darkness slipping away, enveloped by something new they were creating together. It was like the light, but warmer, and less blinding. It made him feel whole.

When he slipped into her warm, wet tightness, his mind went blank. He paused, his jutting hipbones cradling her swollen stomach. He used to be able to see the outline of his cock inside her—she was that thin. But now, there was a comfortable amount of pressure and he was less afraid of hurting her. Or maybe the urge to pound into her like an animal had ebbed away in favor of something more gentle but just as passionate.

He watched her watch him, her breasts heaving as she panted, and he too felt his breath being taken away as he reveled in her. Her warm hazel eyes regarded him with lust and love, her pink lips parted. She licked her lips a little, eager for him to move.

So he began thrusting in and out of her, slowly. Every time he pulled out of her, he would do so almost entirely and she would emit a lovely sound—not quite a whine, but a sound none the less. And it would go straight to his cock, making him shiver and push in hurriedly, not sure he would have the willpower to pull out again.

His large hands held her hips before she grabbed one to lace their fingers together. Their eyes were locked, and he was thrilled with it—he never wanted her eyes to leave him. And she felt so good, so heavenly around his cock, somehow still so tight even after having their child.

“Talk to me, Ben,” Rey pled suddenly. “I want to hear your voice.”

He bit his lip, afraid he’d moan, and waited until the urge subsided to speak.

“I love making love to you,” he finally said. “You’re so tight around my cock, Rey.”

She nodded and then her walls fluttered just a little around him as she consciously tightened them. He did moan then, unable to keep it inside.

“Fuck, Rey. I love you so goddamn much, sweetheart.”

She tilted her head back and groaned. “Call me sweetheart again.”

He picked up the pace, his thumb moving in circles around her hip to soothe. “I’ll call you whatever you want, sweetheart. Darling. Love. All I know is that you’re mine, my beautiful wife, pregnant with my children. So. Fucking. Perfect.”

He thrust his hips with every last word, hard and angled just enough to hit Rey’s special spot, that little rough patch he knew she loved. And she did. She cried out every time he hit it.

“Ben, I’m so close…so close…”

No, it was too soon. He growled and pulled out of her, eliciting her to snarl and whip her head forward to glare at him.

“Ben!” She hissed, but he crept forward over her body and soothed her with a kiss. She bit him a little, so eager was she. But he didn’t mind. In fact, he liked it.

“Patience,” he whispered back. “I just want a little more time with you.”

“Well I’m sure you could have made me come twice,” she grumbled, and he chuckled and kissed her cheek.

“I’m not as confident,” Ben replied, settling on his side beside her. He turned her to face away from him, positioning her just right to be able to slip inside her. As soon as he was inside, she sighed longingly. He was snug up against her back, holding her close. From this angle he was able to kiss her cheek and jaw, able to whisper hot things into her pink shelled ear.

“Feel my cock inside you,” he murmured as he rocked back and forth with her. Her pregnant belly swayed, her enlarged breasts heaved. “Feel how much I love you.”

“I feel it,” she said, her eyes closing. “I know it.”

“Are you going to feel me cum inside you as well?” he asked. “Or do you want me to cum somewhere else?”

“No!” She shouted, and he hushed her. “I want you inside. Always inside.”

He chuckled again and kissed her sweet cheek. “Not always—then you’d always be pregnant.”

She moaned. “I love having your children,” she breathed. “I love them so much.”

Her voice caught, and he sensed she was on edge of tears. So he snapped his hips sharply to distract her momentarily, and it worked. She bucked back into him, forcing him back inside of her.

“There!” She cried.

“I’ve got you,” Ben said, pumping his hips and holding her tightly. “I’ve got you, Rey.”

She choked out a moan and came, a flood of wetness hitting the base of his cock as she convulsed around him. It only took a few more thrusts before he was with her, coming into her as she wished.

She clutched his hand to her and wouldn’t let go, forcing him to lay with her in the same position with himself still inside her. He didn’t mind, though, content enough to lay with her like that forever. But she was soaked from both of them, and he eventually slipped from her with a sigh.

She turned over then to snuggle into his front. He positioned her almost on top of him so she could lay close without her stomach getting in the way.

He didn’t ask her if she was ok, because he already knew it. She didn’t ask him either, so the both of them laid in satisfied silence for a while.

“Do you think we’ll ever have peace?” Rey asked suddenly. Ben blinked and looked down at her dark head.

“We as in you and me?”

“Yes.”

“Of course we will,” he promised, stroking her back. “I know it’s been one thing after another, but after we find the last knight, it will all really be over.”

Rey tilted her head back and looked up at him, her eyes shining in the dim light. “I want it to be over. I want to be able to raise our children without fear.”

Be pursed his lips. “I will always have fear,” he admitted. “It’s the reason I came back. It was overcoming me. But if I have you, I know I can hold it together and not let it overrule me. It’s not about finding the way to live without fear, but finding a way to live with it.”

Rey smiled faintly. “The balance,” she said.

Ben nodded. “You’re my balance, Rey. You have been since the start. You pull me out of the darkness.”

Rey smoothed back his black hair and sighed, her sweet breath curling around him. “You pull yourself out. I’m just a bonus.”

“You’re why I do it, then. You and Leila, and our other little ones.”

Rey put a hand to her stomach and looked down. “We’ll have to decide on names soon,” she said. She glanced back up at him, eyes concerned. “You said just one knight. Does that mean you’ll be back home soon?”

Ben sighed. “I don’t know. He’s hiding extraordinarily well. He’s always been my strongest knight.”

“What was his name?”

“Weften Ren.”

“No, his real name.”

“..Leel. He was a good friend of mine. We were a lot alike.”

Rey was quiet. Ben thought of the sandy haired boy who he had known at the temple. They had sparred together often, always going harder than the others on each other because neither was afraid to feel pain. Leel had been orphaned at age 3, his parents dying in a speeder race they had been involved in for money. He was raised by an angry, abusive aunt until Luke bought his freedom and took him to the temple at age 8. Leel swore he didn’t remember his parents, but Ben always suspected he was holding back a memory. It was the pain from never being loved that drove Leel to the darkside, always feeling incompetent. So he fought his way to the top, seeing Ben as his only competition.

Rey rubbed her thumb over his cheek. Ben knew his expression had turned dark because he could see the worry in her eyes.

“What is it?” She asked, and he sat up and rubbed a hand over his face.

“I don’t know if I can do this, Rey,” he finally managed. “I haven’t felt this way since…since…”

He remembered his father, standing in the rain. _Let me help you_.

“Oh, Ben,” she sighed and wrapped her arms around his huddled frame as tears began to streak down his angular face. He covered his mouth with his hand to muffle his sobs.

“Breathe, Ben. Let it out,” she encouraged. And he couldn’t stop himself. He was so close to the darkside because of all this fear he had, and he was so afraid of being tipped over the edge again. Look at what he had did. Nothing he could ever do would ever bring his father back. Would ever make his mother smile like she used to.

He cried with Rey draped over his back like a safety blanket, keeping him warm and safe. She clung to his shaking, sobbing figure with the determination of drowning girl and a life preserver. With her heavy belly and new softness, she was still somehow the skinny, fearless girl from Jakku. She was his rock.

“I wish we’d met before the world convinced you life is hell,” she said quietly, when his sobs had subsided. “Luke taught me that the Force is a beautiful thing that exists in both life and death. Whenever I feel fear I remember the peace I had felt during his initial teaching…the balance that already exists all around us.”

Ben roughly wiped the tears off his face and chuckled a little. “We are just the ones fucking it up, then?”

Rey rested her head on his back and he felt her smile press into his skin. “I guess so.”

Ben turned and reached for Rey, pulling her into his lap. She cuddled into him, humming happily at the contact of their skin. He held her tightly, kissing her temple and cheek.

“I love you,” he told her. “You are my balance.”

She tilted her head up and kissed him. “I’d have to say the same for me. You are my balance.”

He kissed her back slowly, savoring the simple pleasure of having someone want him, love him. He never thought he’d find anyone like Rey. Anyone who could ever love him.

Yet here she was.

She smiled as she pulled away and took Ben’s hand and led it to her stomach. “Feel that?” She asked. “The babies are happy you’re here. They can feel when you are near.”

Ben felt a faint kick, then another, but more than that he felt an energy. Like they were…aware. Awake? Rey was right. They knew he was there.

He smiled down at Rey. “We make powerful children,” he said, capturing her lips once more.

“We make beautiful children,” Rey corrected him, laughing.


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it guys, the beginning of the end! I know this chapter is short, but it carries a lot of weight. And I know what you are thinking--another chapter, third week in a row?? I'm killing it! Woo woo! Thanks for all the comments and love, you guys are the best. Please leave more comments and tell me what you think is going to happen next? How do you think the story will end?

They were fast asleep in each other’s arms when he felt it. He awoke with a gasp, which woke Rey. Her hand splayed on his chest as she pushed herself up while he sat there in shock.

“Ben? What is it?”

But it was only a moment before she felt it too. The dark, malevolent presence.

“What is that?” She asked, sitting up and grabbing her clothes quickly. Ben pulled on his clothes as well, rushing through the motions automatically.

“It’s him. It’s Weften Ren.” Ben snarled as Rey dashed into the other room to grab Leila.

Damn it! Weften must have been lying in wait, tracking their ship until they landed right where he wanted to be. Ben had inadvertently led Weften straight to his family. He had forgotten how clever the other man was, and cursed his own weakness. If he had only held back from coming home, he wouldn’t be putting his family in danger!

He grabbed his saber as Rey returned, holding a sleepy Leila to her chest. Leila’s black waves stuck out every which way and she was wrapped up in a soft blue blanket. She whimpered and grabbed onto Rey’s brown hair.

“Where’s my saber?” Rey asked, looking around wildly. “Here, take Leila so I can find it.”

Ben grabbed her by the shoulders and forced his wife to look at him. “Rey! You’re pregnant.”

She looked down as if she had forgotten about the large bump she was sporting. “Well, but what if I need—”

Ben growled ferally. “You won’t,” he promised. “Go to my mother and flee underground. I’ll seek him out. Leia will be able to protect you.” He would never forget his mother’s untapped abilities, nor that night in the rain when he faced her. Leia would be able to keep Rey and Leila safe.

Rey’s large serious hazel eyes met his. “Ben,” she whispered. “What if—”

He pressed his lips to hers in one last, bruising kiss. He could feel Weften getting closer. “There’s no time,” Ben said. “Go now.”

As she turned and fled, her bare feet pounding against the durasteel floors, Ben realized he hadn’t even told her he loved her. He hadn’t kissed his daughter goodbye. So with a heavy heart, he turned away and lit up his saber, his eyes narrowing in on the dim hallway, lit red from his saber.

“Come and get me,” He whispered.

~

There was no time to get Luke. No time for anything but to intercept Weften before he found Rey. He was outside the base, but only just. Ben and Rey resided in the outermost apartments so they could have windows in both their rooms, something that Rey desired. With a fast breath and even faster heartbeat, Ben tried to concentrate and sense Weften, who was doing his best to cloak himself in the Force. But it had never been Weften’s strength to evade—he was more raw power and clever maneuvering. It was one of the things Ben had bested him at, and he was grateful for it now. So as Weften’s force signature dipped in and out of Ben’s consciousness, Ben was able to almost track his direction.

He was close. Ben was lucky he had sensed him when he could. If it had been someone unfamiliar, or someone more skilled—well, who knows what could have happened. Ben had dropped his guard, and Weften had cleverly stepped right through his defenses.

Because Weften kept dipping in and out of Ben’s ability to sense him, it was hard to tell when he changed direction. But Weften, having realized that Rey was on the move, had changed direction and was trying to find his way in.

Ben found his way to the outside of the compound, past the steel walls into a light fog. The air was warm and heavy, and Ben’s light sleeping clothes immediately felt damp.

Ben stalked through the forest, careful not to swing his saber wildly. He didn’t want to attract attention. He wanted to creep up on Weften in hopes of catching him off guard.

But that’s not what happened. As soon as Ben got close enough to see Weften, he’d disappear again both in the Force and in sight. This happened several times until Ben suddenly was aware of the crackle of a saber behind him. He turned, but almost immediately bent backwards to evade Weften’s swipe of his long saber—longer than most. It was a dark red, more stable than Ben’s and longer as well—always had been. It was the unique design that Weften—no, Leel then—had coveted for his saber, wanting something unique like Ben’s. For a brief, fleeting moment, Ben reflected on the person before him—tall, masked, all in black. It was almost like…like facing himself. Like as if he could see Kylo Ren in Weften and only that.

And he found he could not strike back.

He stumbled back, caught off guard as Weften leapt down from a tree where he’d been hiding and cloaking his signature, lying in wait just as Ben should have done. Once he landed on his feet, he stood straight, only a few inches shorter than Ben himself.

“Weften Ren,” Ben said quietly, knowing the mask’s sensors would easily pick up his voice. The fog around them glowed red from both their sabers. “You’ve come for me.”

Weften’s mask gave a strange crackle—or was it a laugh? “I have very little interest in you, _master._ I’m looking for the girl.”

Electricity ran down Ben’s spine as he imagined this man touching his baby, and it incited the dark side within him. Without further dialogue, he took his saber and ran with it, ready to fight Weften with everything he had.

It all came flooding back the moment their sabers crossed.

The power and it’s yearn. The relief there was in just destroying everything in front of him whether it be machinery, trees, or people. It felt good. It felt powerful. No one could destroy his family—except maybe himself. He would strike down anyone who dared whisper about them. He’d exterminate those who thought to try. He was the most powerful man in the galaxy now—hadn’t he killed Snoke, struck down Hux? Hadn’t he painted the ground with the blood of his own knights?

Wouldn’t he love doing it again?

He struck again and again, so forcefully that it drove Weften back a few steps. Yes, perfect. Let him see how great and powerful Kylo Ren really was.

They crossed sabers again, Weften fighting back, back, trying to get Ben on the defense. But Ben still drove him forward. Weften’s hand shot out and a tree fell, forcing Ben to jump out of it’s trajectory. It landed and Ben jumped atop it’s trembling trunk, looking down at the man before him. He dove with both hands on his saber to drill it into the other’s man’s skull, but Weften felt his approach and dove out of the way, rolling back into a ready position with his long red saber still drawn.

Weften spun and swung his saber out in an attempt to drive Ben back a few steps. But Ben instead swung his saber at just the right moment to dislodge it from Weften’s grip, sending it flying into the trees. Weften called it back to him immediately with the Force, but Ben struck, cutting off the man’s arm right at the socket. It fell to the ground with a loud thunk as Weften cried out in agony and fell to his knees. Ben reached out with the Force to lift Weften’s saber, then carefully he crushed it with a twitch of his hand, shattering the kyber crystal within.

Weften’s heavy breathing sounded mechanical since he was still wearing his mask, and it annoyed Ben. He wanted to see the glassy stare of death in the man’s eyes when he killed him. Maybe it would stop the nightmares he had at night of the knights destroying him. So with a twitch of his fingers, Ben used the Force to release the other man’s helmet and let it fall to the ground with a heavy sound.

He had not seen the other man’s face since he was young. His sandy hair had darkened slightly, but it was still messy and boyishly cut, the strands of hair sticking to the other man’s forehead with sweat. He was as pale as Ben himself had been before he had relearned the touch of the sun on his skin. But Ben could focus not on any of that—he was caught by the man’s hazel eyes. They were darker than Rey’s and Leila’s, shaped differently, but it was still so similar.

Ben hadn’t recalled the color of the man’s eyes…it was so long ago. But now, he was caught it the memory of his wife and daughter. The fat rolls of Leila’s arms, the auburn glow of Rey’s hair in the sun. And suddenly, he was at peace, and he heard a whisper in his mind. At first, he thought it was Rey, but it wasn’t her energy. No, it was something else, something older, sadder.

 _You’ve fought long enough,_ the voice said. _It’s time to let go of the past._

Let go of the past. He had heard that before, in his dreams. He always thought it meant erase it, destroy it, become something newer, better, stronger. But maybe…it meant something different. He thought about what Rey had said…about the balance. The darkness and the light. Life and death. Beginning and ending. Working in harmony for a peaceful center, like the eye of a hurricane.

“Do it,” Weften hissed. “For I have failed our old Master.”

Ben, startled, looked down at the man in front of him. Weften Ren…no, Leel. The man was angry and grimacing in pain, ready to die.

“Leel…” Ben said, and the man in front of him looked shocked for a moment. “I can’t kill you.”

Leel’s brow furrowed in anger and confusion. “You intend for me to suffer at the hands of the rebellion, like Hux.”

Ben shook his head. “No. I mean…” he looked down at the red saber in his hand and felt the energy flowing from it. Then he held it out in front of the other man, and with the Force, destroyed it.

The two pieces fell to the ground in between them, the remains of Ben’s cracked crystal dull and grey in the dim morning light. The fog was lifting as the Sun began to rise, a creamy yellow and green beginning to fade out the darkness of the sky.

“It’s over,” Ben said quietly. “I’m done fighting. I have found my peace in neither light or dark—no, I have found my peace in both. I think you can find yours too.”

Leel’s hazel eyes were wide and he looked from Ben to the broken saber.

“So you truly are no longer Kylo Ren,” he said. “Why? Why give up everything you had for what—a woman?”

Ben shook his head. “She is my guide to peace, not the road. Love…it changes you. It is more powerful than fear or anger or sadness or pain. It is how the rebellion won this war. It is how the light always manages to conquer the dark. For the light knows it’s place in it all as a balancer. The darkness is ignorant, always fighting against the light. Only in the middle are they at peace, both aware of their place in it all.”

Leel looked confused and shook his head. “I can’t believe it. I won’t believe it. The dark side will set you free!”

Ben reached down and helped the man up even though Leel shrugged away from his touch, almost as if he was frightened of it.

“I can’t let you roam free,” Ben said, “for you are a risk to my family. But I will let you live, because that is your right. I only hope you can find what I’ve found.”

“A whore?” Leel spat, but it no longer angered Ben so much. It only made him…sad. For Leel, he had never experienced love. And perhaps he never would.

“Goodbye, Leel,” Ben said quietly. “I’m sorry.” And with his hand, he drove Leel into a deep Force sleep. He lowered the man to the ground then reached out within the Force, calling out to the one person he knew would understand him the most at this moment.

And he turned away from Leel to face the rising sun.


	47. Chapter 47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't wait. This is the end, folks.

Luke came to him shortly after. Their eyes met, and Luke’s blue eyes widened when he felt the calm in Ben. He looked down at the sleeping Leel and Ben watched Luke’s face transform as he looked at his old student.

“He is alive,” Luke said quietly. His eyes drifted to Leel’s arm, still laying on the ground a few feet away. “But he has joined our little club.”

Ben flexed his own fake limb, remembering the horrible pain and darkness that had consumed him when he lost his own arm. “I almost lost control,” Ben admitted. “But I guess you already know that.”

His head dipped down, but he felt Luke staring at him.

“Ben, he is alive. You have found your peace. It is never an easy road to get there.”

Ben shrugged. “The other knights are dead. They didn’t have to be.”

Luke laid his own steel hand on Ben’s shoulder and squeezed lightly. “I’m proud of you. Don’t beat yourself up for making mistakes when they led you to where you needed to be.”

Ben shook his head. “How can you say that when…when _he’s_ dead?”

He did not say Han’s name, but the change in Luke was apparent. His shoulders dipped, his eyes seemed to fade. He looked away.

“Han loved you,” was all he would say. And Ben knew that it would be still be a while, if ever, before he was forgiven.

Ben watched his uncle bend down next to Leel, pushing his hair back as if he were still a child. In his sleep, Leel grimaced.

“I never thought I’d see any of them again,” Luke said. “But perhaps…maybe…there is still hope for Force users.”

Ben tilted his head and walked towards his uncle. “What do you mean?”

Luke fixed him with his steel blue gaze. “If you can come back from the dark, so can he. So can anyone. I had sought to make a new era of Jedi when I began my academy, but I pushed too hard for children like you to accept the light. If I had focused on teaching you how to embrace both the dark and the light, perhaps you would have been able to resist Snoke…”

Ben frowned. “What ifs, Uncle. You were only doing what you knew.”

Luke gave a dry laugh. “The Jedi order should have died with me. If I had listened to what my teachers, to what my father had taught me…things might have been different.”

Now it was Ben’s turn to lay his hand on Luke’s shoulder. “Let the past go. It’s time we created something new.”

Luke smiled beneath his greying beard and fixed Ben with a look of…respect?

“You’ve become wise, Ben.”

Ben looked back to the sun, smiling faintly as well. “I couldn’t have done it without her.”

Luke nodded. “She is a powerful being. How she fits in this story…I don’t know. Coming from nothing, yet somehow so…”

“Special.”

Ben smiled as he thought of his wife. Of his children. Yes, he could see it now; a new order that would teach the children of the Force how to protect themselves against the darkness in others but embrace it along with the light within themselves. He could see his Rey, surrounded by children. His mother and Luke, teaching alongside them. This was the future meant for them. They were not meant to be selfish and hide away. With much love and guidance, surely their children and other children would succeed…

“Ben,” Luke said, interrupting his thoughts. “Let’s move him. He is too powerful to be under for long.”

So they moved him into a cell not far away from Hux’s, who was quietly ranting to himself under his breath. As Ben passed his cell, he and Hux made eye contact. But for once, Hux had nothing to say.

As they left the cells, Ben heard his named being called and turned just in time to see Rey make her way up the stairs from the inner basement with Leia at her heels, carrying their daughter because Rey could not. Ben opened his arms and Rey rushed into them, and there was no need for words. She knew it was over, and she felt the balance inside of him.

After a long moment, Ben reached for his daughter and kissed her before locking eyes with his mother, who was crying. Luke put his arms around his twin sister, and Ben watched her smile through the tears as the twins held each other.

When they finally let go, Leia moved to Ben and hugged him close. She still smelled of peppermint, just like she had when he was a child.

“I’m so proud of you,” Leia whispered. “I dreamt this day would come, and I never gave up on you.”

Ben smiled at his mother a little and gently kissed her.

“Good parents never do,” he said.

Ben felt a yank on his hair and looked down at his daughter, who demanded his attention.

“Daddy stay?” she asked.

Rey took her daughter’s palm and kissed it before sliding underneath Ben’s arm to lean into him, her other hand resting on her large stomach.

“You bet, kid,” Rey said. “Always.”

And Ben smiled.

**10 years later**

**Rey**

The world was a different place. For the first time in Rey’s life, there was peace.

Ben was with her for her last two months of pregnancy, holding her hand, taking care of Leila, fetching Rey whatever she craved and rubbing her swollen feet. When the twins were born, a boy and then a girl, both of them cried. They named them Anakin and Alora, and Rey knew from the moment they took their first breaths that they were going to be special, just like their sister.

Anakin, who had a crop of brown hair like Rey and dark eyes like his father, was calm and collected. He was well balanced, naturally skilled in lightsaber forms and meditation. He was especially good at Force healing, which he displayed since he was little, healing his own scrapes and bruises as well as his sister’s. He was good natured and got along with everyone. Ben, who held pride in all his children, felt a special kind of pride when it came to his son for being so well balanced and easy going. And despite the two being opposite in temperament, it was common to find the two walking hand and hand while the younger chattered on about something.

His sister Alora was a different story. She had her father’s hot and cold temperament, displaying quite a temper at times. But she was a happy girl, always friendly and never meeting a stranger. She was extraordinarily beautiful with blond hair and snapping hazel eyes. She sang constantly and was quite the contrast to her stoic older sister. She cared little for formal training, disliking the forms and meditation her brother so excelled at, instead having a desire for anything nature related. Creating fire, moving rocks, directing winds, even lightning. She was wild at heart and in spirit, and loved riding on her speeder that she and her mother built together.

It was Leila who worried them the most. She had gained good control over her foresight, able to produce visions on center things if she concentrated hard enough. But she was still her father’s daughter, stoic and quiet. Although she accepted the flow of her visions, it was still difficult for her not to be affected by them. She trained often with her Uncle Luke, whose calm presence soothed her. As she grew older her relationship with her father grew a little strained, for she wouldn’t understand why he would not train her as extensively as he did with her siblings. She was a sensitive child, always in tune with her parents’ emotions. It was not unusual for her to be affected by anyone fighting in her family, whether it be her parents or the twins. What started out as temper tantrums grew into her isolating herself, trying to sort out her strong emotions before she could return to her normal self. Otherwise, she was a sweet girl who felt deeply for other people.

As for Ben, he was a different man now, but Rey still saw the past in him sometimes.

When they were toddlers, Alora, angered by her brother's refusal to hand over a toy, raised her hand to hit Anakin only to have it caught by Ren's hand.

"Alora," Ren began, voice stern and serious enough to make the small girl draw back. "You must never hurt the ones you love. It is a regret you can never erase."

In a moment, Rey recalled back the memory of the one time he had struck her, and wondered if he was thinking of that too.

Confusion and frustration brushed past their daughter's sweet features. "But he won't give it to me!"

Ren released her hand and cocked an eyebrow. "Then you must learn patience, and he, generosity."

Ren walked away with that as Anakin grudgingly offered his twin the toy, but Rey caught Leila watching her father with somber eyes. But, catching her mother's gaze, she went right back to reading.

Ben had a special connection with each of his children, but both parents saw the most of him in his oldest daughter. He had fear that he would taint her, or push her to the dark side. Rey saw their likeness as an opportunity to foster a strong connection with Leila and keep her swayed to the balance instead of veering off to one side. Out of the two of them, Ben was the most protective, always prepared to smother his children with rules and boundaries while Rey was used to children being quite independent, like herself. But one thing they agreed on was the amount of love and affection they each gave their children. They doted on them and showered them with the attention both their childhoods had lacked.

Rey felt a strong love for all of her children and raised them the best way she knew how, asking Leia and other mothers for advice quite often. She was often frustrated with her inexperience with motherhood—no one ever had comforted her when she was sick, or explained to her how periods worked. She never had long talks with a mother and did not know quite how to raise children who were dependent rather than independent. But Ben was always there, filling in the spaces for her as often as he could. They spoke often about their children and the best way to raise them, always agreeing on one route before proceeding. Whether it be using the toilet or training them in the Force, they worked hard to agree on a method and work as a team.

"Dad, I want you to train with me!" Anakin begged, tugging on Ben's arm. Ben brushed off the boy's grasp and raised an eyebrow at him.

"Why not? You are to work with your mother today."

Anakin's snub of a nose crinkled. "But you're the coolest Jedi in the galaxy!"

Rey watched as Ben's lips pressed together in a small grimace of regret.

"I am no Jedi, son. Only your mother," he gave a small smile and knelt down to be able to look his son in the eye. "And it would be a sore mistake to underestimate her. She is the strongest across every system."

Anakin looked at his father in disbelief. "More than you? And grandma? And Uncle Luke?"

Ben nodded somberly. "She pulled me from the darkness. She saved my life. Without her, you would not exist."

A small o formed on Anakin's lips, and then his serious brown creased, and he nodded. "Mom is the best." A bright smile slipped onto the boy's face as he looked up at his father. "But—you're a close second, dad!"

Ben chuckled and stood, letting his hand rest on his son's head before he walked off towards Rey, who did her best to look busy, thrusting her hands back into the engine.

"You shouldn't eavesdrop, Rey," Ben said snidely as he came close.

Rey's cheeks blushed a little. "Well, you shouldn't tell tales to our son." She scoffed and muttered, "Strongest in the galaxy, my ass."

Ben slid his hand onto said ass and squeezed lightly. "Do not taunt me, love," he said a bit darkly. "I tell no falsehoods. Your modesty blinds you to the truth."

Rey rolled her eyes and shook her head until he slipped his arm around her waist and kissed her forehead. "You are much more than what you think," he said honestly, and Rey leaned into him.

"Look in a mirror, Ben," she mocked a bit with a small smile. He was one to talk. But neither said anything more, instead leaning in for a small kiss before their son bounded over.

"Mom! I'm ready!"

Rey turned in Ben's arm and smiled at Anakin. "Grab your sister, then." She kissed Ben's cheek and said; "See you later, _Jedi._ "

He humphed at that, but she caught the quirk of his lips.

They were no Jedi, not anymore. They were something different, and the school they had begun with Luke and Leia reflected the difference. It started small, with only their children as students, but soon grew to be about twenty or so students, all ranging in shades of “lightness.” While the Jedi had taught to find peace in absence of conflict, Rey and Ben taught to find peace within it. Like the eye of a storm. To embrace the darkness that resided in everyone and accept it instead of waging war between them. The only rules there were in their new order was to refrain from harming others at all cost and to express emotion in healthy ways—through training, through love, through crying or laughter. Fear was a natural part of life, so was attachment. And so their school flourished, with each adult taking a different but essential part of training.

Peace reigned outside of them as well. Without the First Order, a new Republic rose. The troopers were all freed and a few took roles as senators in order to work against slavery in the galaxy. But politics were not a part of the Solo and Skywalker family. Or at least, it wasn’t after their last testimonies in court.

It was Ben’s testimony against Hux that sentenced him to death. He became known as “mad Hux” in the media, unable to defend himself or speak sense in or out of court. When death came, it was merciful, for the man had driven himself to the edge, truly experiencing a fraction of the torture he put his soldiers through.

Leel was Ben’s last testimony. Rey had watched proudly as Ben defended his old nemesis, fighting for the man’s freedom. When the sentence finally came, he held Rey’s hand so tightly that it hurt.

“Why are you afraid?” Rey asked him quietly. “If they let you go, why would they sentence him to death?”

“I was a special circumstance, and it took all of my mother’s political power to free me, remember?” Ben replied, his eyes on the admiral unfolding the paper before them.

“You still haven’t answered me,” Rey said.

“Because he deserves a better life than this. All of the knights did. Almost all of them came from abusive or neglectful homes when Luke found them. They never knew love, they never had a chance against Snoke. I know that can’t be changed, but the rest of his life could be different. He just needs a chance.”

Rey smiled at her husband and squeezed his hand back. “Like you were given a chance?”

“Exactly.”

The paper was unfolded and the admiral before them announced the verdict: Exile.

Ben stood, forcing Rey to do the same with their hands still clasped together. “Wait!”

Everyone turned to look at him, including Leel. Ben swallowed, his adam’s apple bobbing, and Rey looked up at her husband with wide eyes. Even she did not know what he would say.

“I will take responsibility for him. He was my knight. I will take him to the school and watch him there.”

“With the Force Sensitive children?” The crowd muttered. “It’d be unsafe.”

“My mother and Uncle also reside there. With my family, we could teach him the ways of balance. Exile would be a death sentence.”

Rey realized that was probably what the court was going for. But then one woman stood up. She was lithe and elegant, her hair a lovely lilac color.

“Do you give us your word that you can be trusted with such a task?” she asked.

Ben nodded, his dark hair dipping down over his eyes as he bent his head. “I swear it,” he promised.

And so Leel was released into their care. At first the man was resistant to change, unfeeling and unwilling to do anything but survive. He had been threatened with a Force-influencing implant if he was exiled, so he did not rebel. And it seemed as if he would not change at all, until little Alora came up to him one day during dinner.

“Will you teach me how to do lightnin’?” She asked, smiling. “Daddy won’t show me how to do it.”

The older man grunted and looked nervously to Rey. “What the hell do you need lightning for?” he asked, stirring gravy into his meat.

“To make storms,” Alora said mischievously. “And fry chicken.”

Leel barked out a strange, rusty laugh. “Well, I’m not allowed to teach anyone anything. Go bother someone else.”

But the girl was persistent. It took weeks, but finally Rey and Ben allowed Leel to teach the little girl lightning. Ben watched as Leel taught his daughter, arms crossed and stance threatening, but Leel was perfectly gentle and a good teacher. Alora was delighted by her new skill and by her teacher, and the two became fast friends. Before long, Leel requested lessons from Ben to find some balance in his life, and the two were back to being sparring partners. He became an assistant teacher and meditated often, finding his balance in the quiet calm.

So life went on. For a the next few years, everything was peaceful. But then, Leila had a vision.

She woke Rey up in the night, shaking her awake. Leila was 12 then, and becoming a young woman. But she looked like a little girl with uncertainty painted all over her features.

“Mama, wake up. I had a vision.”

Rey shook off her sleep and turned away from Ben’s chest in order to sit up. “What is it? Was it scary?”

But Leila shook her head. “No. But it was so clear…And I don’t want it.”

Rey drew her eldest child in, letting the girl rest her dark head on her shoulder. She was lanky and going to be tall, but when she curled up in Rey’s lap she still fit somehow.

“What was it? What was so bad, sweets?”

Leila lifted her head from her mother’s shoulder and Rey caught a tear slipping down the girl’s face.

“I’m going away,” Leila whispered. “You’re sending me away with Uncle Luke.”

“What?” Rey was stunned. There was no way, no way that would ever happen! First of all, to send away her little girl? And secondly, Ben would never allow the same thing that happened to him to happen to his daughter.

“It’s true,” Leila said, feeling her mother’s confusion. “I know it’s true. I’ve seen it.”

Rey shook her head. “Leila, we would never send you away. We love you, and there is no better place for you than right here at school.”

Leila frowned and nodded. “I know, but…But I think something bad is going to happen. And I think...I’ll want to go away.”

Stunned, Rey felt a little ill. “Leila, is there something telling you to be bad? Inside your head?”

The girl scowled. “Mama, no. I’ve told you that a million times,” she said crossly. “But in the vision, I felt what I felt in that moment. I wanted to go.”

Rey pressed Leila back into her shoulder.

"Hush. You're not going anywhere. Your father would drag you back himself."

Leila let out a little sob, which was strange--She rarely cried in front of anyone. Rey pressed a kiss to her daughter's head and reached behind her to shake Ben awake. He felt his daughter's fear and was immediatly awake and reaching to soothe her.

"What's wrong, sweetheart?"

Rey quickly answered for Leila. "She had a vision that she was sent away."

Ben bristled. "What?"

"She said...a bad thing happened and she wanted to go."

"No. Absolutely not."

Ben rubbed his daughter's back and Leila rubbed her eyes dry. 

"It's fine. Maybe it won't come true..."

"Sweetheart, we would never--"

"Send me away. I know. But it was more like sending myself away."

The three were quiet and Leila moved off Rey's arms, which ached with want from the loss. The skinny girl stood in front of them awkwardly, but Ben took her hands and pulled her forward til her knees met his.

"Leila. Look at me."

Large hazel eyes flicked up to look into Ben's.

"I went away younger than you to train with Luke. And it hurt so much. But it would have hurt a lot less if I had trusted my family. Do you trust us?"

She nodded solemnly.

"Promise?"

She nodded again. "I promise."

He leaned forward and kissed her forehead. "Then you know how much we love you."

Rey reached out and squeezed her daughter's hand. 

"Go back to bed, sweets," Rey said. Leila nodded and retreated back into her room, and Ben let out a great sigh.

"Rey."

"I know, Ben." Their eyes met and she reached out and stroked his back. "Maybe it won't be true."

"It can't," he snapped, but she was not deterred.

"We need to be prepared--"

"It can't happen Rey. It destroyed me."

Rey lowered her voice. "We may not have a choice if it is what the Force wants."

"Fuck the Force."

A laugh bubbles up out of Rey. "Ben!"

He reaches out for her and pulls her into his lap, burying his face in her hair. "I can't lose her."

"We won't. Even if she goes away, we will visit her, comm her, whatever it takes."

Ben shook his head. "I never imagined...I swore that I'd never send away my child. And to where?"

Rey shrugged. "I don't know."

Ben kissed her and she sighed and leaned her head against him. "I love you. And I love our children."

He nodded. "I love you too. I know you do."

They laid back down, but neither found themselves sleeping. 

~

The next morning at breakfast, when all the family was required to sit together, Leila cleared her throat.

"Uncle Luke, we are going on a trip."

Ben dropped his spoon, and Rey's eyes widened.

Luke blinked. "Oh?"

"To get my lightsaber and to go to Ach-To."

Ben’s eyes were narrowed, his skin was red. “No you are not,” he hissed, but Leila continued eating as if nothing was wrong.

“Why does Leila get to go on a trip?” Alora whined.

Leia was staring at Luke with a certain look on her face. “I never heard of such a trip.”

Luke shrugged and carefully chewed on a piece of bread thoughtfully. “Me too,” he admitted.

“Saw it in a vision,” Leila said, and Rey placed her hand on Ben’s arm to keep him from exploding.

“Leila, we talked about this last night. You aren’t going anywhere.”

Leila looked up, her eyes bright but serious. “Mama, it makes sense. I don’t want to wait until the bad thing happens to go. I went to bed last night thinking about what Dad’s always saying about embracing your fears, and I saw the vision again, but even longer. It’s time for me to get my own lightsaber and train away from the school.”

Ben shoved himself away from the table and stalked off. Leila watched him, yearningly.

Leia, meanwhile, looked sad. “He will never be able to let her go,” she muttered, and Anakin leaned against his grandmother sympathetically, sensing her regret.

Rey frowned. “Well we need to talk about this, Leila. You can’t just decide things because you’ve seen them in a dream.”

“In a vision, not a dream. And I’m trying to prevent something bad from happening. I want to go; I know no one is sending me away. Isn’t that enough for dad?”

Anakin shoveled half a citrus fruit into his mouth and then talked through it. “Dad won’t let you go away. We all need to stick together.”

Leila looked older than her years as she gazed off into the distance. “Sometimes, to grow, you need to fly away from the nest.”

But Rey sensed the fear in her daughter. “I don’t know Leila. It’s scary being alone, and you’re so young, love.”

The girl only shrugged. “It’s going to happen,” she said stubbornly. “I know it.”

~

**Ben**

He couldn’t imagine life without his child, his firstborn. She was the one who meditated with him, who was his little girl. She was so sensitive, she needed protection. She had never been without her mother, and Ben hadn’t left her since she was two years old. He remembered when she was small enough to cradle her head in his palm. He knew she still cried in her room over nightmares, and sometimes—if Rey was sleeping—would tiptoe into his daughters room to rub her back until she fell back asleep. Luke wouldn’t care for her that way, as well-intending as he was. And Luke was getting old—could he protect Leila well enough?

Ben wanted to scoop his child up into his arms and lock her away somewhere where she could never leave. He and Rey had just been discussing how they were about to have their children enter their teenage years, and how careful they’d have to be. He had dreamed of fighting with his teenager, of waiting up for her when she went on her first date. Of scaring that first date off. For god’s sake, Leila didn’t even wear makeup. She hadn’t yet gotten her period. She was practically a child.

He had dreamed of going with her to get her first crystal. The whole family would go and celebrate. But now she wanted to do it alone, with Luke of all people? Yes, she trained almost exclusively with Luke lately since Ben was too terrified and Rey too busy trying to handle the younglings. But Ben and Leila had always had a special bond—they were so alike. And now she was isolating herself, growing up too fast. She didn’t need to follow in Ben’s footsteps. She was perfect the way she was. Why was she so intent on going to Ahch-to? Rey had described the place to Ben and it sounded terrible.

Rey came up behind him as he pondered all this sitting on a rock outside the school, just within the boundaries of the forest. She laid a hand on his shoulder and when he turned to look into her eyes, he already knew what she was going to say.

“We need to let her go.”

Ben shook his head. “No. Not my child. She’s too young.”

“She’ll be thirteen in a few months. Luke will be with her.”

“I don’t care.”

Rey sighed and sat down next to him looking up at the sky filtering in between the branches and leaves.

“She’s flying the nest, but she will return,” Rey said softly. “You know where we both were at her age. We can’t protect her forever.”

“So what, we should send her scavenging on Jakku? See how she likes her freedom there and she’ll come running back.”

Rey sat up, eyes narrowed. “None of my children will ever scavenge,” she vowed. “You know that.”

“And none of mine will ever be sent away.”

“We aren’t sending her anywhere. She’s going on her own.”

“So we’ll stop her.”

“And what? Tie her down here? You won’t train her, Luke has taught her all he knows. It’s time for her to start learning from the Force itself, make her own discoveries. We’ve given her a good, solid base. We need to trust her as well.”

Ben felt his throat grow thick. “What if she’s not ready?”

“Well, seeing as the Force has given her a vision, I’d say that’s probably not true.”

“What if she gets hurt?”

“She knows where home is, and Force knows she knows that we would welcome her back in a heartbeat.”

Ben was silent for a moment. “Why not me?” He asked. “Why Luke, of all people?”

Rey slid her hand on top of her husband’s and squeezed. “You chose this. You haven’t trained her seriously since she was seven. And she knows you’re needed here.”

It was true. The twins were a handful, and Ben was needed at the school. Luke however, could be spared more easily.

“We need to give both Luke and her a chance,” Rey said. “We can’t let fear rule us.”

Ben sighed and covered his eyes. “I know, I know. But she’s just…she’s special. If anything happened to her…”

“We will be there to catch her,” Rey interjected. “Isn’t that what good parents do?”

Ben looked at her and brushed back her hair. “When did you get so wise, my love?”

Rey shrugged, and Ben put his arm around her. The birds sang all around them, and Ben found his fears deflating. Maybe Rey was right. Maybe it was time for their baby bird to fly.

"I couldn't have done this without you," he finally said. "Have I ever said thank you?"

Rey laughed. "Ben Solo, thanking me? Never."

Ben kissed her and she wrinkled her nose and laughed again. 

"Have I told you I loved you today?"

"Only this morning when we woke up, after caf, and while brushing your teeth..."

"Well I'll say it again. I love you, Rey."

"I love you too, Ben."

~

**Leila**

On the day that she left, her father gave her a gift. It was her very own datapad with a built in comm. It was stocked with books he thought she’d like and pictures of her family.

“For when you’re homesick,” He said. She gave him a long hug, feeling his quick heartbeat. He was nervous for her, and sick with worry. She could feel it.

Mama gave her a locket with a little piece of kyber crystal inside. It was not only pretty, but it was functional—it would help them find the kyber caves. Her mother also got a long hug, but it was more for Leila’s sake than for her mother. Her mother was steady, like a rock. It gave Leila courage to feel her mother’s arms around her.

Alora gave her a kiss and hug and made her promise to come home soon. Leila promised her sunny little sister she would. Anakin got a big bear hug and permission to play with her mini staff.

Grandma held her the longest, but Leila didn’t mind. She remembered the first thing she’d ever learned was from her grandmother. Leila sensed that underneath it all, Leia was as strong as steel.

Uncle Chewie was there and growled as he picked her up for a hug. Finn and Poe both gave her encouragement and promised her her own droid if she came back in one piece. It was tempting.

Finally, it was time to board the ship. Dad grasped Luke on the shoulder and whispered something in his ear that made Luke stand back and look at him before going in for a hug, the first Leila had ever seen between her uncle and father. It was brief, but it settled something inside her.

“Alright kid, let’s head out,” Luke said to her, and she nodded. Her mother blew her a kiss. Her father stepped in and knelt down.

“If you want to come home, you just say the word. I’ll be here waiting for you every time.”

“Ok.”

“Trust me?”

“I trust you.”

Leila kissed his cheek.

“I love you, Leila,” he said.

She smiled. “I know.” And then she headed on up the ramp, giving one last wave to her family.  She was ready for her journey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for those who have continued to support me and to those who actually read this long thing all the way through. Special thanks to those who posted comments, they made my day. I hope y'all continue to read my work, for I've got a new Reylo story coming out sometime next month. Follow me on tumblr at alicecantescape and come say hi! I'm lonely. And please please please pleassssseeee leave a comment telling me what you thought. Feed me.


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